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Is this lie a big deal? should I confront him or get over it? Watch

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    I was at my boyfriends last night and whilst doing the bed the morning after, i found a ticket to the aquarium poking out of an old card holder. My reaction was "aww he must have kept the ticket from when we went 3 years ago", so I took it out to have a look as I thought it was cute that he kept it as a memory.

    However, the date on it was from when he took his ex-gf there for her birthday. The only other things in there were his old student cards that haven't been used in years. I just brushed it off as I didn't want to make a big deal as its so petty, and it probably means nothing, he just never threw it away.

    Before he left he grabbed his wallet which was next to the card holder, so I said 'aren't you taking your card holder' and passed it to him. He said no I don't need it and I said ok and put it back down with the ticket in sight. I then said "oh look its the ticket!" and he was like 'oh yeah, its probably not from when we went as its so old'. I was satisfied with that as atleast he didn't pretend it was from me, so I went downstairs to head out together. He then shouted from the top of the stairs, "its from 2010 from when my mum took me hhahaahha"! (but the ticket was from 2013 as I had seen it!) I then said "oh can I see, is the design different?" and he said no. I just accepted it and changed the subject. I didn't want to catch him out lying as I didn't want to cause drama, but I did find it odd that he'd lie about something so small. Maybe he did keep it for sentimental reasons, or did he just not want to cause drama so did the right thing by lying to protect my feelings'? Should I confront him or get over it?


    Bit of context if it helps:
    He has lied previously about other girls, nothing like cheating, just gone behind my back to talk to girls that he was friends with online from his past to 'see if they were ok'. On one occasion I found a stream of texts saying "hey, hello x, hi" all from him, which the girl was ignoring (I also know he found this girl pretty). I asked him why he was trying to reach out to her and it was because when he knew her she was anorexic/depressed/suicidal (which is true). He promised me this was the only communication they had but I didn't believe him as how would he have gotten her number after all these years? I then found out from HER that he had been trying to talk to her on Skype for weeks, which she wasn't interested in but he kept on trying to chat and so she gave him her number to shut him up. She didn't need 'helping'. She said it wasn't flirtatious, but there was x's etc. I don't know what his intention was but I have forgiven him and nothing has happened since (been about 1.5 years since then)! The reason I found this such a big deal was because Im not allowed to have guys numbers. I don't control him yet I have to tell him everything, but he still felt the need to go behind my back.
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    It's entirely possible that he thought it was the ticket from the time he went with his mum in 2010 (assuming he didn't look it at prior to the yelling from the top of the stairs). It's also entirely possible that he's lying.

    If I were you I'd give him the benefit of the doubt instead of making a big deal over what could be a honest mistake.
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    Having any form of contact with exes is a reason to ghost him,
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    I don't know if this is good advise as I've never been in a romantic relationship before, but from others Ive learnt that if there is a problem it's best to talk about it with each other rather than staying quiet and leaving it in the dark as it can cause such dread? Or paranoia to the mind when in the end it's something quite small or just a misunderstanding.
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    (Original post by mcneill98)
    From my reading of this, clearly you are trying to control him. He needs your permission to talk to friends ? This sounds like a jealous 14 year old teen relationship in honesty. Why should he stop talking to girls that he is friendly with ( or at least thinks so ) or throw away a souvenir ? He lied to you to avoid an argument because most guys know that women will argue over some tiny thing that a guy doesn't feel is important in any way at all.

    About not being allowed to have guys numbers, tell him to **** off. Plain and simple, he is controlling there but you must both be willing to trust each other, and it sounds like you do not trust him nor him you.
    You have misunderstood the situation. We are both in our 20s and he can be friends with whoever he likes. The issue was with the petty lies which didn't add up- not about control.
    The girl wasn't his friend, it was some internet girl from when he was a teen who was very troubled. I am all for him supporting her and making sure she's okay, I was just disappointed that he didn't feel he could tell me the truth (i.e. he reached out to her even when she wasn't interested). I stayed with him because this is nothing to get angry/jealous about, I just wanted to give context to the fact he lies about small things.
    The number thing isn't a matter of trust, its more a respect thing. Relationships have different dynamics.
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    (Original post by Cumshot Caliph)
    Having any form of contact with exes is a reason to ghost him,
    I don't think one can consider having an old mouldy ticket in your card holder as contact?
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    (Original post by Jaffalaffa)
    I don't know if this is good advise as I've never been in a romantic relationship before, but from others Ive learnt that if there is a problem it's best to talk about it with each other rather than staying quiet and leaving it in the dark as it can cause such dread? Or paranoia to the mind when in the end it's something quite small or just a misunderstanding.
    Thank you, it would probably be best. Im not bothered at all that its connected to his ex I just wanted to him to tell the truth thats all. Maybe il wake up tomorrow and not dwell on it anymore
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was at my boyfriends last night and whilst doing the bed the morning after, i found a ticket to the aquarium poking out of an old card holder. My reaction was "aww he must have kept the ticket from when we went 3 years ago", so I took it out to have a look as I thought it was cute that he kept it as a memory.

    However, the date on it was from when he took his ex-gf there for her birthday. The only other things in there were his old student cards that haven't been used in years. I just brushed it off as I didn't want to make a big deal as its so petty, and it probably means nothing, he just never threw it away.

    Before he left he grabbed his wallet which was next to the card holder, so I said 'aren't you taking your card holder' and passed it to him. He said no I don't need it and I said ok and put it back down with the ticket in sight. I then said "oh look its the ticket!" and he was like 'oh yeah, its probably not from when we went as its so old'. I was satisfied with that as atleast he didn't pretend it was from me, so I went downstairs to head out together. He then shouted from the top of the stairs, "its from 2010 from when my mum took me hhahaahha"! (but the ticket was from 2013 as I had seen it!) I then said "oh can I see, is the design different?" and he said no. I just accepted it and changed the subject. I didn't want to catch him out lying as I didn't want to cause drama, but I did find it odd that he'd lie about something so small. Maybe he did keep it for sentimental reasons, or did he just not want to cause drama so did the right thing by lying to protect my feelings'? Should I confront him or get over it?


    Bit of context if it helps:
    He has lied previously about other girls, nothing like cheating, just gone behind my back to talk to girls that he was friends with online from his past to 'see if they were ok'. On one occasion I found a stream of texts saying "hey, hello x, hi" all from him, which the girl was ignoring (I also know he found this girl pretty). I asked him why he was trying to reach out to her and it was because when he knew her she was anorexic/depressed/suicidal (which is true). He promised me this was the only communication they had but I didn't believe him as how would he have gotten her number after all these years? I then found out from HER that he had been trying to talk to her on Skype for weeks, which she wasn't interested in but he kept on trying to chat and so she gave him her number to shut him up. She didn't need 'helping'. She said it wasn't flirtatious, but there was x's etc. I don't know what his intention was but I have forgiven him and nothing has happened since (been about 1.5 years since then)! The reason I found this such a big deal was because Im not allowed to have guys numbers. I don't control him yet I have to tell him everything, but he still felt the need to go behind my back.


    Okay, I will make this real simple. He is allowed to have girls' numbers but you are not allowed to have guys' numbers?

    This is an unequal relationship. He is controlling you.

    In terms of the other stuff, he is being real shady.

    If you don't leave the relationship now, you will leave in another few years and wonder why you didn't.
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    (Original post by ilovegoats)
    Okay, I will make this real simple. He is allowed to have girls' numbers but you are not allowed to have guys' numbers?

    This is an unequal relationship. He is controlling you.

    In terms of the other stuff, he is being real shady.

    If you don't leave the relationship now, you will leave in another few years and wonder why you didn't.
    I feel I need to make it clear that we are in a really happy/good relationship. The other incident was the only thing he's ever done, which in all honesty isn't a big deal (I don't think?). Why do you thing its real shady?

    I don't disallow him from having girls numbers, but he doesn't have any. He socialises with girls such as his friends girlfriends, their friends, he's been on holidays and spoken to girls, and I am more than happy for him to. I go to uni and I have male classmates and he leaves me to it. I also have them on social media and as long as I mention it its fine. The number thing is just something Iv accepted as a respect thing, obviously if they guy is a family friend, or someone I have to work with at uni, I can share my number. As long as he's reasonable about it it doesn't bother me, as I don't feel the need to give guys my number.

    I do have to admit that it used to be a lot worse (wasn't allowed to go on nights out, no adding on social media) but Iv made him realise that it was affecting my socially and my ability to be myself and he's sorry for what he did. He has made it clear to me that there is no need for me to feel controlled as I can do whatever I want and make my own choices, just no numbers (might be bizarre to some).We are now in a equal relationship. If that ever changed I would tell him I won't put up with it.

    I have no intention of leaving the relationship as the good far out ways the bad. What makes you think our relationship won't last because of a couple incidences which could've been a misunderstanding, and the other a mistake which he fully acknowledges and hasn't done anything since?
    • #2
    #2

    You've answered your own question. You have no intention of leaving the relationship so obviously that lie can't be a big deal to you.
    You've had to defend your relationship quite a bit in your answers which also says something but hey if you're happy with it then others opinions shouldn't matter. Personally the context and the past background you gave of him doesn't sound great, so another lie would just be the final straw, but then again I wouldn't have hung around so long if a guy was as controlling as he sounds.

    I agree with ilovegoats, you might end up looking back and thinking you should have left ages ago
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You've answered your own question. You have no intention of leaving the relationship so obviously that lie can't be a big deal to you.
    You've had to defend your relationship quite a bit in your answers which also says something but hey if you're happy with it then others opinions shouldn't matter. Personally the context and the past background you gave of him doesn't sound great, so another lie would just be the final straw, but then again I wouldn't have hung around so long if a guy was as controlling as he sounds.

    I agree with ilovegoats, you might end up looking back and thinking you should have left ages ago
    Thank you. I just want to know why people would see it as "the final straw" and why his past actions aren't great? Do you think what he did was a big deal? I thought people would laugh at me for even thinking it was an issue for him to text a girl without telling me. It was just the lying that hurt me. Nothing has happened since he is extremely faithful. And this new 'lie' could've just been an honest mistake or to protect my feelings.

    I dont intend to leave the relationship no, I am just curious why people think these 2 incidences of petty lies within a 3 year relationship isn't a good sign and means our r/s is doomed?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was at my boyfriends last night and whilst doing the bed the morning after, i found a ticket to the aquarium poking out of an old card holder. My reaction was "aww he must have kept the ticket from when we went 3 years ago", so I took it out to have a look as I thought it was cute that he kept it as a memory.

    However, the date on it was from when he took his ex-gf there for her birthday. The only other things in there were his old student cards that haven't been used in years. I just brushed it off as I didn't want to make a big deal as its so petty, and it probably means nothing, he just never threw it away.

    Before he left he grabbed his wallet which was next to the card holder, so I said 'aren't you taking your card holder' and passed it to him. He said no I don't need it and I said ok and put it back down with the ticket in sight. I then said "oh look its the ticket!" and he was like 'oh yeah, its probably not from when we went as its so old'. I was satisfied with that as atleast he didn't pretend it was from me, so I went downstairs to head out together. He then shouted from the top of the stairs, "its from 2010 from when my mum took me hhahaahha"! (but the ticket was from 2013 as I had seen it!) I then said "oh can I see, is the design different?" and he said no. I just accepted it and changed the subject. I didn't want to catch him out lying as I didn't want to cause drama, but I did find it odd that he'd lie about something so small. Maybe he did keep it for sentimental reasons, or did he just not want to cause drama so did the right thing by lying to protect my feelings'? Should I confront him or get over it?


    Bit of context if it helps:
    He has lied previously about other girls, nothing like cheating, just gone behind my back to talk to girls that he was friends with online from his past to 'see if they were ok'. On one occasion I found a stream of texts saying "hey, hello x, hi" all from him, which the girl was ignoring (I also know he found this girl pretty). I asked him why he was trying to reach out to her and it was because when he knew her she was anorexic/depressed/suicidal (which is true). He promised me this was the only communication they had but I didn't believe him as how would he have gotten her number after all these years? I then found out from HER that he had been trying to talk to her on Skype for weeks, which she wasn't interested in but he kept on trying to chat and so she gave him her number to shut him up. She didn't need 'helping'. She said it wasn't flirtatious, but there was x's etc. I don't know what his intention was but I have forgiven him and nothing has happened since (been about 1.5 years since then)! The reason I found this such a big deal was because Im not allowed to have guys numbers. I don't control him yet I have to tell him everything, but he still felt the need to go behind my back.
    just gone behind my back to talk to girls that he was friends with online from his past to 'see if they were ok'.
    Im not allowed to have guys numbers.

    These are the things that make me think that he is doing something worst behind your back. If he's faithful, then why is he scared of you cheating? I've heard the 'She's depressed, she'll kill herself if I stop talking to her' more than once and every time it's been bs. Either the girl is actually depressed and is trying to manipulative him to give her attention, or she's straight up wants him back and he likes the attention she's giving him. Someone needs to make sure to tell your bf, that it isn't he's obligation to talk anyone out of or compromise your relationship because of her thinking about suicide. In the rare situation the girl actually kills herself, it would never be his fault and he should never think that it is his fault at all. Guilt doesn't do anything positive.

    I would mention to him that you are hurt that he wasn't honest about the ticket situation and you would rather he told the truth next time. But mind you, if he's a repeat offender, then break up with him. If he can't respect the boundaries you have about other people, then do you think he respects you as a person?
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. I just want to know why people would see it as "the final straw" and why his past actions aren't great? Do you think what he did was a big deal? I thought people would laugh at me for even thinking it was an issue for him to text a girl without telling me. It was just the lying that hurt me. Nothing has happened since he is extremely faithful. And this new 'lie' could've just been an honest mistake or to protect my feelings.

    I dont intend to leave the relationship no, I am just curious why people think these 2 incidences of petty lies within a 3 year relationship isn't a good sign and means our r/s is doomed?
    If he's lying about things so trivial that you probably don't care about, then he might be keeping other more serious things from you. Combine that with the fact that he has shown some controlling tendencies in the past leads people to think he might be up to no good.
    The fact that you are questioning it yourself means you must have doubts also. I understand the position you're in, and maybe you wanted people to say its ok it probably doesn't mean anything but from outsider perspective it doesn't seem great. If you yourself are ok with being treated like this then that's alright aswell, Just make sure you're happy with your decision.
 
 
 
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