The Student Room Group

Girlfriend not making much of an effort anymore.

Im a little annoyed, ive been going out with her for about 6 months and shes quite good looking but now shes just stopped making an effort to look good i.e. shes put on weight, and also when we're together she puts her trackies on, and also when we're watching a movie she watches it silently and also the most annoying when we go clubbing she just thinks its ok for her to sit at the bar for God knows how long without making an effort to dance although she does.

I know this is really stupid but would anyone ever breaking up with someone because of something like this? (Although I personally wouldnt, but I might just be saying that so I dont smothered in here)

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Reply 1
You're with her for her looks, then?

And you realise movies are for watching, and not talking through?

And maybe she just doesn't want to dance?

You're right, it's stupid :rolleyes:
Reply 2
Do you make an effort with your appearence? In what way?

Anyhoo this sounds like a case of 'growing apart' rather than anything else.
Reply 3
Nice. Does she have to dance? Does she always have to look perfect? Hmm.
Reply 4
gracie88
Nice. Does she have to dance? Does she always have to look perfect? Hmm.

Agree, it's not always necessary to look perfect. I think maybe somethings worrying her. Just try talking to her and see what's bugging her.:smile:
Reply 5
Hmmm. That's weird. My bf only found out the other day I wear trackies (around the house!) and now he wants me to wear them all the time. He likes the fact I feel relaxed around him. Shouldn't that be how you feel?
Reply 6
gracie88
Nice. Does she have to dance? Does she always have to look perfect? Hmm.


No, im not saying that you idiota. She just doesnt seem to care anymore, with her its like 'Oh yeah whatever', and I dont care about the dancing that much either but the point is that she should be making some sort of an effort to make her partner (you can call me that I guess) happy sometimes.
Reply 7
Arghhhhhhhhh people have totally missed the point of this thread!
Reply 8
I wouldnt break up with them because that would just be superficial and immature.
So shes out on a few pounds - whats the big deal? You are coming across as quite superficial. If she has put on a ridiculous amount of weight (which you find too unattractive) then first try suggesting eating healthily and hitting the gym together or any other exercise. If this doesnt work then talk to her and put it to her politely that she has put on weight and that you are a bit worried about her. Obviously the truth that you find her less attractive would most probably get her to work out it would severly hurt her feelings and she migth dump you over it.

If you want more attention when you are watching films and feel that she is ignoring you etc then talk to her about it. (COMMUNICATE)

As for goin out and clubbing I must admit I like a dance even though my bf isnt all that keen but he makes an effort for me. I suggest that you talk to your gf and tell her this. (COMMUNICATE)

A good relationship requires good communication, if you dumped her instead of having a heart to heart chat with her, all that demonstrates is that you are not ready for a relationship, are not mature enough and should maybe just stay single or find a different girl with the emotional detachment of a pebble.

My bf loves me for me and is happy to see me looking like crap some days, it just shows how comfortable we are with each other. I am just surprised that you wouldnt want to see her being that comfortable around you.
Reply 9
So the only way to make you happy is look nice and dance for you?

How about less shallow things?
Reply 10
while i don't think the examples you've highlighted are particularly worrying, i do know what you mean OP.

i think it's worrying when people make more of an effort going out or to work or uni or whatever then they do for their partners. it's like impressing other people is more important then impressing your partner.

i've been with my man for almost two years, and while i do have times where i just lounge around in his hoodies and with no makeup (which no man is ever really going to complain about, it's just natural!) i would never slob around and make zero effort on a regular basis.

part of keeping a relationship happy is keeping a flirtatious and fun edge to it, and that involves your partner seeing you at your best and making an effort to have fun with your partner like you would with your friends.

sometimes people need to be reminded of what they have - seeing you laughing and having fun and looking well groomed is going to sustain interest a lot better than silently going about your day to day business in your grubby duds.

maybe i'm old fashioned.
Reply 11
jakeee
No, im not saying that you idiota. She just doesnt seem to care anymore, with her its like 'Oh yeah whatever', and I dont care about the dancing that much either but the point is that she should be making some sort of an effort to make her partner (you can call me that I guess) happy sometimes.


No need to call me an idiot. Jesus.
Reply 12
KarlZ
I wouldnt break up with them because that would just be superficial and immature.
So shes out on a few pounds - whats the big deal? You are coming across as quite superficial. If she has put on a ridiculous amount of weight (which you find too unattractive) then first try suggesting eating healthily and hitting the gym together or any other exercise. If this doesnt work then talk to her and put it to her politely that she has put on weight and that you are a bit worried about her. Obviously the truth that you find her less attractive would most probably get her to work out it would severly hurt her feelings and she migth dump you over it.

If you want more attention when you are watching films and feel that she is ignoring you etc then talk to her about it. (COMMUNICATE)

As for goin out and clubbing I must admit I like a dance even though my bf isnt all that keen but he makes an effort for me. I suggest that you talk to your gf and tell her this. (COMMUNICATE)

A good relationship requires good communication, if you dumped her instead of having a heart to heart chat with her, all that demonstrates is that you are not ready for a relationship, are not mature enough and should maybe just stay single or find a different girl with the emotional detachment of a pebble.

My bf loves me for me and is happy to see me looking like crap some days, it just shows how comfortable we are with each other. I am just surprised that you wouldnt want to see her being that comfortable around you.


No, my point is say for example I'll buy her chains and nice little rings every now and then you know just to make her happy or whatever. But all she does is lay around expecting me to make all the effort, all im saying is that she should put something in aswell. People have totally misunderstood.
Reply 13
gracie88
No need to call me an idiot. Jesus.


Don't use the Lord's name in vein please. There could be devout Christians reading this and they may be offended.
Reply 14
TomX
Don't use the Lord's name in vein please. There could be devout Christians reading this and they may be offended.


Uhhhhh... yeah....ok.... whatever he just said :s-smilie:
TomX
Don't use the Lord's name in vein please. There could be devout Christians reading this and they may be offended.


*Vain.

There could be devout English students reading this and they may be offended. :p:

OP perhaps you haven't explained it well. Does she do nothing at all to make an effort in your relationship? Does she not dress up when you go out places? Also, have you heard of the stone of contentment?
Reply 16
I see what the OP means as what he is trying to say is pretty easy to figure out

Even when I am with a boyfriend, I expect him to make an effort with dress sense, fitness etc

I dont want someone who is going to charm me from the start and then suddenly go downhill a shortwhile later

OP Speak to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel, I think communication is the best thing
Reply 17
bunthulhu
*Vain.

There could be devout English students reading this and they may be offended. :p:

OP perhaps you haven't explained it well. Does she do nothing at all to make an effort in your relationship? Does she not dress up when you go out places? Also, have you heard of the stone of contentment?


No, I havent heard of the stone of contentment, but its sounds so real I must say. Have you ever heard of the philosophers stone? I sooo wish I had that.
Reply 18
Have you considered that maybe your girlfriend could be suffering from mild depression? A lot of the things you've mentioned (weight gain, lack of interest appearance, not enjoying things the way she used to) are symptoms of depression, and it could be that your girlfriend needs a bit of help and support rather than criticism.

However, it could be that your relationship is not what it once was and this could be a sign that you both need to sit down and talk about it. It's very frustrating when one partner feels that they're putting more effort into the relationship than the other, but often the other partner doesn't see it that way and so you get a conflict. Better to sit down and talk things through rather than simmering with silent resentment and getting to the point where you dislike each other.
jakeee
No, I havent heard of the stone of contentment, but its sounds so real I must say. Have you ever heard of the philosophers stone? I sooo wish I had that.


What about my other questions?

I've sometimes heard other women talk about putting weight on when they get into a relationship - because they settle into their partner's eating habits and are, generally, content. Happened to me.