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My father is so controlling....Help!?
Hi there,
Well my father is a manager of somesort, and he is controlling. What he doesnt seem to relaise is at home with the famliy, isnt the same as in work with the employees.
At the moment hes out of work, his contract ended about 5 weeks ago and hes been looking for work ever since, so understandably theres some stress and tension in the air at home.
I'm 17 and I have 3 brothers, 1 older(19),2 younger(16 and 14), and he still trys to send us younger ones to bed.
What really gets to me though is when my older brother hit sixth form he was treated as a seperate entity to me and my younger brothers! He got to stay up watching tv,not being told he had to go to bed etc etc
However as soon as I hit college, I'm still treated as one of the younger ones. I'm not allowed to stay up and watch tv, I still get told to goto bed.
Another thing is my dad comes in before I go to bed, disconnects my computer, television, makes sure my mobile is turned off, lights are off and everything. Does he do this to my brothers? No...
Obviously I re-connect everything, turn my phone back on incase of emergencys in the night etc
Hes now started turning off the router at nite to prevent me from connecting to the internet which is fairly daft really.
He insured me on my mothers car too, I passed my driving test first time round and now I'm told its not a right to be able to use her car and how I have to get my own. Which in theory is cutting his nose off to spite his face, he moaned how much insurance was for it, which im grateful for, but if im not allowed to use the car, then hes not getting his moneys worth is he..
I've had enough of him controlling me and everything I do. Everything I do or say he picks up on me to find somthing negative to say, he never agrees with anything I've done or said.
The following sticks in my mind:
After him constantly on my back saying how I wasnt revising,and always had my revision books on the same page,thinking I wouldnt pass a thing.
Gcse results day, I acheived 8 C grades, 1 B and 1 D and 1 E.
It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better....so thanks for that
My first year college results:
I really had worked hard this year just to prove my father and to other people that I wasnt just some thick ******* and I managed to acheived 5 Distinctions, 3 merits and a referal in maths
Once again It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better with your maths...
I think hes driving me away from my own family, thankfully theres only one year left of college and if all goes well I'll be going to uni next year,hopefully as far away as possible. I'm not sure how long I can live like this.
Any thoughts,similar experiences,suggestions on this matter?
Many thanks
Well my father is a manager of somesort, and he is controlling. What he doesnt seem to relaise is at home with the famliy, isnt the same as in work with the employees.
At the moment hes out of work, his contract ended about 5 weeks ago and hes been looking for work ever since, so understandably theres some stress and tension in the air at home.
I'm 17 and I have 3 brothers, 1 older(19),2 younger(16 and 14), and he still trys to send us younger ones to bed.
What really gets to me though is when my older brother hit sixth form he was treated as a seperate entity to me and my younger brothers! He got to stay up watching tv,not being told he had to go to bed etc etc
However as soon as I hit college, I'm still treated as one of the younger ones. I'm not allowed to stay up and watch tv, I still get told to goto bed.
Another thing is my dad comes in before I go to bed, disconnects my computer, television, makes sure my mobile is turned off, lights are off and everything. Does he do this to my brothers? No...
Obviously I re-connect everything, turn my phone back on incase of emergencys in the night etc
Hes now started turning off the router at nite to prevent me from connecting to the internet which is fairly daft really.
He insured me on my mothers car too, I passed my driving test first time round and now I'm told its not a right to be able to use her car and how I have to get my own. Which in theory is cutting his nose off to spite his face, he moaned how much insurance was for it, which im grateful for, but if im not allowed to use the car, then hes not getting his moneys worth is he..
I've had enough of him controlling me and everything I do. Everything I do or say he picks up on me to find somthing negative to say, he never agrees with anything I've done or said.
The following sticks in my mind:
After him constantly on my back saying how I wasnt revising,and always had my revision books on the same page,thinking I wouldnt pass a thing.
Gcse results day, I acheived 8 C grades, 1 B and 1 D and 1 E.
It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better....so thanks for that
My first year college results:
I really had worked hard this year just to prove my father and to other people that I wasnt just some thick ******* and I managed to acheived 5 Distinctions, 3 merits and a referal in maths
Once again It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better with your maths...
I think hes driving me away from my own family, thankfully theres only one year left of college and if all goes well I'll be going to uni next year,hopefully as far away as possible. I'm not sure how long I can live like this.
Any thoughts,similar experiences,suggestions on this matter?
Many thanks
I have a similar problem.
My dad shows favouritism towards my older brother who got all A* and A's at GCSE and was an oxbridge candidate.
Whenever i talk about my future he just laughs and says what future.( He firmly believes that in september i will be in a cardboard box in Derby begging! )
He also complained about my revision, saying that it want efficient and telling my brother that i did 30 mins and just give up. I DID NOT.
I'm dreading results day for my GCSE's because i know it wont be the same as my brother, but i was predicted grades which will certainly give a good foundation to build on to get to university.
The thing i do is just try and not talk to much to him, if i do i get wound up. I get on really well with my brother and mum but my dad is the problem.
Like you i want to leave in and hopefully and get into a university far away from his scrutiny.
My dad shows favouritism towards my older brother who got all A* and A's at GCSE and was an oxbridge candidate.
Whenever i talk about my future he just laughs and says what future.( He firmly believes that in september i will be in a cardboard box in Derby begging! )
He also complained about my revision, saying that it want efficient and telling my brother that i did 30 mins and just give up. I DID NOT.
I'm dreading results day for my GCSE's because i know it wont be the same as my brother, but i was predicted grades which will certainly give a good foundation to build on to get to university.
The thing i do is just try and not talk to much to him, if i do i get wound up. I get on really well with my brother and mum but my dad is the problem.
Like you i want to leave in and hopefully and get into a university far away from his scrutiny.
My dad is also a manager...
I simply tell him to **** off.
We don't get along!
I simply tell him to **** off.
We don't get along!
Anonymous
The following sticks in my mind:
After him constantly on my back saying how I wasnt revising,and always had my revision books on the same page,thinking I wouldnt pass a thing.
Gcse results day, I acheived 8 C grades, 1 B and 1 D and 1 E.
It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better....so thanks for that
My first year college results:
I really had worked hard this year just to prove my father and to other people that I wasnt just some thick ******* and I managed to acheived 5 Distinctions, 3 merits and a referal in maths
Once again It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better with your maths...
After him constantly on my back saying how I wasnt revising,and always had my revision books on the same page,thinking I wouldnt pass a thing.
Gcse results day, I acheived 8 C grades, 1 B and 1 D and 1 E.
It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better....so thanks for that
My first year college results:
I really had worked hard this year just to prove my father and to other people that I wasnt just some thick ******* and I managed to acheived 5 Distinctions, 3 merits and a referal in maths
Once again It wasnt well done, it was you could have done better with your maths...
that sounds very familiar, i lived with my grandparents and those pair of old gits said the same thing about my low grades and not a single word of praise about the B's and A's. Constant put downs youl never amount to anything and all that palava.
Some aprents just dont have a damn clue
the easiest thing is to just get angry at him and do things to spite him, but that won't work and will just make the situation worse.
I'm not sure that this can be solved, but it might help you try to understand why he is controlling you more than your brothers. If you can go up to him and say:
I know you're afraid this and that will happen to me if you don't control me in such and such a way...
and let him know you are glad he cares enough to bother to impose restrictions to stop you becoming a chav or whatever (as I said, you know your dad, try thinking through things from his point of view to understand where he'd coming from).
Then he'll be more receptive than if you just have an argument. Make him feel good and relaxed first and then bring up some points that you like. E.g you are very glad that he is paying for your insurance and let him know he's doing something right...
... before you tell him what he's doing wrong.
He might listen then. You just need to try and get to him in a way that isn't going to make him take a defensive position straight away and feel like his authority and judgement is being questioned too much. I'm sure he will be receptive to some of what you have to say, but you just have to be careful not to antagonise him cause that'll put him in a bad mood. He's more likely to be nice to you and let you get away with things/come to agreements that are good for you if he's in a good mood (which as you say, he's not when he comes back from work all stressed and feeling angry too possibly).
If you really can't work out why he's being the way he is towards you... wait until he's in a good mood, help him be in a good mood (thanks for the insurance etc) and then ask him (without complaining about the situation) why he's not letting you do this or that. Practice it all in your head first. What would his answers be to what you say? If you don't expect a positive answer, then try and rephrase the question or say something else.
Hope that helps a bit!
I'm not sure that this can be solved, but it might help you try to understand why he is controlling you more than your brothers. If you can go up to him and say:
I know you're afraid this and that will happen to me if you don't control me in such and such a way...
and let him know you are glad he cares enough to bother to impose restrictions to stop you becoming a chav or whatever (as I said, you know your dad, try thinking through things from his point of view to understand where he'd coming from).
Then he'll be more receptive than if you just have an argument. Make him feel good and relaxed first and then bring up some points that you like. E.g you are very glad that he is paying for your insurance and let him know he's doing something right...
... before you tell him what he's doing wrong.
He might listen then. You just need to try and get to him in a way that isn't going to make him take a defensive position straight away and feel like his authority and judgement is being questioned too much. I'm sure he will be receptive to some of what you have to say, but you just have to be careful not to antagonise him cause that'll put him in a bad mood. He's more likely to be nice to you and let you get away with things/come to agreements that are good for you if he's in a good mood (which as you say, he's not when he comes back from work all stressed and feeling angry too possibly).
If you really can't work out why he's being the way he is towards you... wait until he's in a good mood, help him be in a good mood (thanks for the insurance etc) and then ask him (without complaining about the situation) why he's not letting you do this or that. Practice it all in your head first. What would his answers be to what you say? If you don't expect a positive answer, then try and rephrase the question or say something else.
Hope that helps a bit!
Adarah
the easiest thing is to just get angry at him and do things to spite him, but that won't work and will just make the situation worse.
I'm not sure that this can be solved, but it might help you try to understand why he is controlling you more than your brothers. If you can go up to him and say:
I know you're afraid this and that will happen to me if you don't control me in such and such a way...
and let him know you are glad he cares enough to bother to impose restrictions to stop you becoming a chav or whatever (as I said, you know your dad, try thinking through things from his point of view to understand where he'd coming from).
Then he'll be more receptive than if you just have an argument. Make him feel good and relaxed first and then bring up some points that you like. E.g you are very glad that he is paying for your insurance and let him know he's doing something right...
... before you tell him what he's doing wrong.
He might listen then. You just need to try and get to him in a way that isn't going to make him take a defensive position straight away and feel like his authority and judgement is being questioned too much. I'm sure he will be receptive to some of what you have to say, but you just have to be careful not to antagonise him cause that'll put him in a bad mood. He's more likely to be nice to you and let you get away with things/come to agreements that are good for you if he's in a good mood (which as you say, he's not when he comes back from work all stressed and feeling angry too possibly).
If you really can't work out why he's being the way he is towards you... wait until he's in a good mood, help him be in a good mood (thanks for the insurance etc) and then ask him (without complaining about the situation) why he's not letting you do this or that. Practice it all in your head first. What would his answers be to what you say? If you don't expect a positive answer, then try and rephrase the question or say something else.
Hope that helps a bit!
I'm not sure that this can be solved, but it might help you try to understand why he is controlling you more than your brothers. If you can go up to him and say:
I know you're afraid this and that will happen to me if you don't control me in such and such a way...
and let him know you are glad he cares enough to bother to impose restrictions to stop you becoming a chav or whatever (as I said, you know your dad, try thinking through things from his point of view to understand where he'd coming from).
Then he'll be more receptive than if you just have an argument. Make him feel good and relaxed first and then bring up some points that you like. E.g you are very glad that he is paying for your insurance and let him know he's doing something right...
... before you tell him what he's doing wrong.
He might listen then. You just need to try and get to him in a way that isn't going to make him take a defensive position straight away and feel like his authority and judgement is being questioned too much. I'm sure he will be receptive to some of what you have to say, but you just have to be careful not to antagonise him cause that'll put him in a bad mood. He's more likely to be nice to you and let you get away with things/come to agreements that are good for you if he's in a good mood (which as you say, he's not when he comes back from work all stressed and feeling angry too possibly).
If you really can't work out why he's being the way he is towards you... wait until he's in a good mood, help him be in a good mood (thanks for the insurance etc) and then ask him (without complaining about the situation) why he's not letting you do this or that. Practice it all in your head first. What would his answers be to what you say? If you don't expect a positive answer, then try and rephrase the question or say something else.
Hope that helps a bit!
I see what your saying. But hes very arrogant. You cant just sit down and talk things out with him. He wont listen, what ever he says goes and thats it in his books.
Even my mother trys to sit down and have a conversation with him and he does the same to her.Basically doesnt listen to what is said and rambles on and on about how what he says is right and everything/everyone else is wrong.
I've mentioned to him before why am I more controlled then my brothers? Oh thats rubbish he says, and says I've got an attitude. When really I dont, my mother even said that to me. I ask politely,im not rude to him etc etc.
One thing he said to my mum once or twice was that he was very envious of me, he didnt really explain why though and I'm not sure why he would be envious of me! I'm nothing special
Thanks for the reponses so far
Make sure you two do sit down together and have a discussion about how you both feel. That will clear the air and, although it will undoutedly take much longer for you to achieve the perfect father-son relationship that would be a start, wouldn't it?
Don't forget that your dad pays for a lot of what you enjoy in your lifestyle. My point is (and you will see it for yourself when you are older) when one has to work in a (perhaps boring) job to support one's family and pays the way of one's kids and all they 'need', one wants to see that they're pulling their weight in their field (i.e. school/college), too. It's as simple as that. And his 'controlling' behaviours, like switching off the router etc are probably his means of optimising your success at college. 'You've really no business to be going on the internet at night, when you've got college the next day', is most likely to be his reason for doing it.
He's envious of you because you have many more opportunities than him. Perhaps he thinks you're wasting them by not achieving as highly as you could. Everyone can do better.
I didn't used to get on well with my dad (from age 14-16, it seemed a long time). I didn't show much respect for him because I thought he thought he was always right, and not to be disputed etc. But it was because he felt undermined all the time. It was a vicious circle: he didn't think anyone listened to his opinion, so felt forced to voice it, I disagreed- on principle- (as one does at that age!) so he said well I am right and you are wrong and then would leave.
Now I am much more diplomatic. If I don't agree with something he says, the phrase, "I see what you mean, but...", comes in useful. That way eveyone is being listened to. Also, it's worth remembering that little family discussions are not worth getting upset over. Perhaps be more easy-going (but also receptive) and it will rub off on your dad. If he complains about your grades when they come out, just assure him that you did your utmost for the exams. Make sure you have a firm plan for what you'll do after college, in different scenarios.
Don't forget that your dad pays for a lot of what you enjoy in your lifestyle. My point is (and you will see it for yourself when you are older) when one has to work in a (perhaps boring) job to support one's family and pays the way of one's kids and all they 'need', one wants to see that they're pulling their weight in their field (i.e. school/college), too. It's as simple as that. And his 'controlling' behaviours, like switching off the router etc are probably his means of optimising your success at college. 'You've really no business to be going on the internet at night, when you've got college the next day', is most likely to be his reason for doing it.
He's envious of you because you have many more opportunities than him. Perhaps he thinks you're wasting them by not achieving as highly as you could. Everyone can do better.
I didn't used to get on well with my dad (from age 14-16, it seemed a long time). I didn't show much respect for him because I thought he thought he was always right, and not to be disputed etc. But it was because he felt undermined all the time. It was a vicious circle: he didn't think anyone listened to his opinion, so felt forced to voice it, I disagreed- on principle- (as one does at that age!) so he said well I am right and you are wrong and then would leave.
Now I am much more diplomatic. If I don't agree with something he says, the phrase, "I see what you mean, but...", comes in useful. That way eveyone is being listened to. Also, it's worth remembering that little family discussions are not worth getting upset over. Perhaps be more easy-going (but also receptive) and it will rub off on your dad. If he complains about your grades when they come out, just assure him that you did your utmost for the exams. Make sure you have a firm plan for what you'll do after college, in different scenarios.
I have a bad relationship with my father too. I unfortunately, however, don't know what would be the best thing to do as I am still trying to figure out how to resolve my situation. I hope things improve for you soon and good luck in the exams. But remember that you still have your talents, even if you don't do as well as your dad is wanting you to. Not everyone is brilliant academically.
My mum is a manager but shes ace. She isn't controlling at all. She it proactive and open to listening to people and trying new approaches to solve problems.
My advice: point out the errors in his ways in a cool and calm manner.
My advice: point out the errors in his ways in a cool and calm manner.
AverageGuyOnTheStreet I have a bad relationship with my father too. I unfortunately, however, don't know what would be the best thing to do as I am still trying to figure out how to resolve my situation. I hope things improve for you soon and good luck in the exams. But remember that you still have your talents, even if you don't do as well as your dad is wanting you to. Not everyone is brilliant academically.
I have a bad relationship with my father too. I unfortunately, however, don't know what would be the best thing to do as I am still trying to figure out how to resolve my situation. I hope things improve for you soon and good luck in the exams. But remember that you still have your talents, even if you don't do as well as your dad is wanting you to. Not everyone is brilliant academically.well in some strange circumstances, the persin is actually incapable of learning/work but im sure you are very capable to be a very bright student!
how i feel when that happens is i work god damn hard to prove them im capable. And there aint no better feeling than seeing their faces, and the self satisfaction is fenominal.
I'd say just work your ass off, and i believe your dad just needs to see what your capable of! aren't all dads the same??
good luck with that dude
A lot of teenagers don't get on very well with their parents. I'm no stranger to that. It's just a phase. You need to get through it.
Schokis
Don't forget that your dad pays for a lot of what you enjoy in your lifestyle. My point is (and you will see it for yourself when you are older) when one has to work in a (perhaps boring) job to support one's family and pays the way of one's kids and all they 'need', one wants to see that they're pulling their weight in their field (i.e. school/college), too. It's as simple as that. And his 'controlling' behaviours, like switching off the router etc are probably his means of optimising your success at college. 'You've really no business to be going on the internet at night, when you've got college the next day', is most likely to be his reason for doing it.
I do realise that he pays for a lot of things in my lifestyle, and I'm incredbily grateful for it and I can see that. I study electronics at college and most assignments require lengthy research and are very time consuming. So the internet is essential for my needs.
Because I got refered in my maths, ive been doing work over the holidays to try and get upto scratch with it. He even tells me when I should be doing it and doesnt seem to realise its not somthing that can be done when I'm told, its somthing that can be done when I feel comfitable and can work.
The_Adarshster
A lot of teenagers don't get on very well with their parents. I'm no stranger to that. It's just a phase. You need to get through it.
Its not just a "phase". I've been treated differently to my brothers all my life.
My father is alot harder on me then my brothers, even my brothers vouch for that.
Once again thanks for the advice so far
You know what, he just can't appreciate the effort you put in, really hate people like him as it seems nothing is ever good enough. Just give him the cold shoulder next time he has a go at you.
Hey, are you female? It sounds like it. If you are, that's his problem with you. I have a younger bro and there is an endless list of things that I wasn't allowed to do at his age which he can. I got a bit annoyed one day when I came back from Uni and found that he was allowed to spend the night at his girlfriend's house. I wasn't allowed to stay with my boyf at the time so I asked my parents why. They said, straight up, its coz I'm female and "boys deal with situations differently."
Turns out, Im the one who ended up at Uni while he's still at home NOT going to Uni. If we're compared I think I know who deals with situations best
Turns out, Im the one who ended up at Uni while he's still at home NOT going to Uni. If we're compared I think I know who deals with situations bestHellz85
Hey, are you female? It sounds like it. If you are, that's his problem with you. I have a younger bro and there is an endless list of things that I wasn't allowed to do at his age which he can. I got a bit annoyed one day when I came back from Uni and found that he was allowed to spend the night at his girlfriend's house. I wasn't allowed to stay with my boyf at the time so I asked my parents why. They said, straight up, its coz I'm female and "boys deal with situations differently." Turns out, Im the one who ended up at Uni while he's still at home NOT going to Uni. If we're compared I think I know who deals with situations best
Turns out, Im the one who ended up at Uni while he's still at home NOT going to Uni. If we're compared I think I know who deals with situations bestHehe I'm not female...but I can see where your coming from. I know a few girls whos fathers are controlling like that too
I guess you girls get it worse off, but I suppose its only your fathers looking out for you. And one girl I know said her father couldnt accept she wasnt daddys little girl anymore,yet was growing up.Its the same kinda at my house. I'm the only girl in my family, I've got 3 brothers too (2 older, 1 younger) ... My dad treats me differently and I think that it's mainly because he doesn't really know how to talk to me or understand me. For example, on my GCSE results day he wasn't sure what to say, I had to basically jump up and down (Got better results than I thought) before he knew how to react.
He treats all of us younger than we actually are and especially me, I am still not allowed out with friends past 10pm and I am 17!
He treats all of us younger than we actually are and especially me, I am still not allowed out with friends past 10pm and I am 17!
There's always going to be an element of favouritism in families, my younger sister is certainly favoured but there are clear reasons for this. My mother had me at 18, clearly not planned, then for years they tried for another and had several miscarriages, eventually at 27 my mother had my sister and she's had a few minor issues along the way which have been corrected surgically. She's a perfectly normal child but my mother is obviously more protective, since I have never so much as broken a bone. I came along at an inconvenient time and my sister was a child they were desperate for.
I have no real issues with this, my main issues with them are those of control. There's a definite power imbalance and my father has been running some kind of dictatorship since I was about 9/10. He came into a large sum of money after a relative died and turned into an even worse version of his irritatingly controlling former self.
So, no. You are not alone, my father is hardly abnormal nor are the dynamics of my family. Granted I don't live with them anymore and I would recommend you do the same.
The funny thing about family is that you are expected to love them no matter what, simply because you are blood related. The sooner you realise that it's normal to dislike them or not love them at all the better. Would you love them if they weren't related to you or if you met them on the street? It's not likely.
I have no real issues with this, my main issues with them are those of control. There's a definite power imbalance and my father has been running some kind of dictatorship since I was about 9/10. He came into a large sum of money after a relative died and turned into an even worse version of his irritatingly controlling former self.
So, no. You are not alone, my father is hardly abnormal nor are the dynamics of my family. Granted I don't live with them anymore and I would recommend you do the same.
The funny thing about family is that you are expected to love them no matter what, simply because you are blood related. The sooner you realise that it's normal to dislike them or not love them at all the better. Would you love them if they weren't related to you or if you met them on the street? It's not likely.
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