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why do i feel guilty talking about the abuse i experienced Watch

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    Hi,

    i was continuosly abused throughout my life by my parents, and also recently got attacked by someone.
    whenever i talk about it- even online (i created a secret blog that i think friends found) -now deleted- and i felt extremely bad at the thought that anyone would think badly about my abusers. i also felt ashamed and a little bit embarrased tbh.

    but it wasnt my fault- so why do i have these feelings?!?
    i felt ashamed to share anything that happened
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    stockholm syndrome
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    Sadly I think it is quite a common side effect of abuse, particularly when one has been abused by someone known/close to them :sadnod: Have you had any therapy to help you process what happened?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,i was continuosly abused throughout my life by my parents, and also recently got attacked by someone. whenever i talk about it- even online (i created a secret blog that i think friends found) -now deleted- and i felt extremely bad at the thought that anyone would think badly about my abusers. i also felt ashamed and a little bit embarrased tbh. but it wasnt my fault- so why do i have these feelings?!?i felt ashamed to share anything that happened
    It's what the abuser(s) condition their victims to think. It's especially bad when parents do it to their kids, as you grow up with this messed up idea that love is transactional (but you will never earn their love no matter what you do) and that everything that happens is your fault... except when it is something good, then they take credit and tell you that you are still worthless and no good to them... and so on.

    It is hard to undo a lifetime of that sort of conditioning, but you can start to heal over time. As the previous poster said, therapy might be an option. Some organisations allow you to self-refer, so definitely look into it. There are also loads of online support groups. Out of the FOG is one such online community. A bit of Googling makes you realise that you are not alone out there.

    Fear, obligation and guilt (aka F.O.G.) are what an abuser uses to hook you and keep you too fearful to break away from a toxic relationship, and when you do, you automatically blame yourself. It can and does get better, but usually it is best to break off contact with the abuser so that you can finally get on with the rest of your life.

    Been there, so I know what it is like.
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Sadly I think it is quite a common side effect of abuse, particularly when one has been abused by someone known/close to them :sadnod: Have you had any therapy to help you process what happened?
    no therapy but i think i might have to get some. it's honestly ridiculous that I feel this way but i can't help it
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    (Original post by Veet Voojagig)
    It's what the abuser(s) condition their victims to think. It's especially bad when parents do it to their kids, as you grow up with this messed up idea that love is transactional (but you will never earn their love no matter what you do) and that everything that happens is your fault... except when it is something good, then they take credit and tell you that you are still worthless and no good to them... and so on.

    It is hard to undo a lifetime of that sort of conditioning, but you can start to heal over time. As the previous poster said, therapy might be an option. Some organisations allow you to self-refer, so definitely look into it. There are also loads of online support groups. Out of the FOG is one such online community. A bit of Googling makes you realise that you are not alone out there.

    Fear, obligation and guilt (aka F.O.G.) are what an abuser uses to hook you and keep you too fearful to break away from a toxic relationship, and when you do, you automatically blame yourself. It can and does get better, but usually it is best to break off contact with the abuser so that you can finally get on with the rest of your life.

    Been there, so I know what it is like.
    Thank you- I will have a look. I'm sorry you've been through this too.
    My parents have also made it seem like I can't trust anyone in the world. They always tell me this, and then they tell me not to trust my siblings either- only them. :/
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    It's quite normal to have tribal loyalty to those close to us, even if they do us wrong; furthermore, 'ours is not to judge', applies here. Also quite common to feel a degree of shame associated with occurrences that perhaps have some stigma/victim blaming attached in the minds of some in society. We Brits have an unhelpful 'stiff upper lip' mentality of propriety and repression too

    Additionally, we may relate things clumsily, or in a one sided way, which may then lead to guilt about putting our own spin on things and painting people out to be worse than they in fact are, on balance, or making out like things are very black and white
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    It's quite normal to have tribal loyalty to those close to us, even if they do us wrong; furthermore, 'ours is not to judge', applies here. Also quite common to feel a degree of shame associated with occurrences that perhaps have some stigma/victim blaming attached in the minds of some in society. We Brits have an unhelpful 'stiff upper lip' mentality of propriety and repression too

    Additionally, we may relate things clumsily, or in a one sided way, which may then lead to guilt about putting our own spin on things and painting people out to be worse than they in fact are, on balance, or making out like things are very black and white
    I guess so
    although my dad made out with me - and i don't think there's a way of putting that clumsiliy :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    my dad made out with me - and i don't think there's a way of putting that clumsiliy :/
    Agreed, although I can't think of a way of related that without awkwardness either. It's quite common for abuse victims to perceive that there's something wrong with them that somehow invited the abuse, hence dwelling on what happened/recounting it can feel somewhat false/indulgent (particularly if the abuser has cultivated a sense of provocation/reciprocity and in cases where loyalty comes into it/the abuser was nice/decent in other respects). It's all very confusing for impressionable youngsters
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    no therapy but i think i might have to get some. it's honestly ridiculous that I feel this way but i can't help it
    Please do try and get some therapy - you can see a psychologist on the NHS. Waiting lists can be long but it would be worth it to get some expert help to process your feelings.

    It's not ridiculous at all to feel this way - it's quite common, due to the reasons people have listed above. Try and practice some self-compassion. I appreciate that's really hard though, when you've been manipulated and abused to that extent by parents/caregivers
 
 
 
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