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21st Sept: How well do you get on with your parents? Watch

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    How well do you get on with your parents?

    Join Gemma and Dr Aaron on The Surgery this week as they unpick the complexities of your relationship with your parents.

    Whether you love them or hate them, you can’t choose your parents, so how do you learn to live with them?

    Tell us what your relationship with your parents is like and join us on Wednesday 21st September at 9pm on BBC Radio 1 for some advice on what to do if you’re having parent trouble.

    Please note: You can post on this forum anonymously.
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    I have never had a relationship with my biological dad. He left my mum shortly after she gave birth and despite being given numerous opportunities, he didn't want to be a part of my life. I haven't missed out though. I had an amazing grandpa who raised me

    As for my mum, she had me quite young and was in a bad place mentally when I was born and for most of my childhood with bipolar disorder, OCD and anxiety so I was mainly raised by my grandparents. I saw her more like a sister instead of my mum. She was always out partying and told men I was her sister and not her kid, she called me names, we got into physical fights and for about 90% of the time we just didn't get on. When I was about 12 or 13, we moved into a house together a few mins away from my grandparents and things continued to get worse and I moved back in with my grandparents intermittently until I was 18 and then I moved out from my mum's and into my own flat with my current partner. Me and my mum didn't talk for 2 years after I moved out and she done some twisted things such as going to my college lecturer claiming I was on drugs (when I've never touched them), that my bf was affecting my college work (she got a laugh when the lecturer told her I was excelling) and basically **** stirred a lot of crap that had no factual bearing. She was ill at this point.

    So for 2 years we had no contact as I had given up with her. I did miss her and I did feel bad as she was ill and I too have mental health conditions so I know the struggle but I think we also needed the time apart to mature, get our health on track and just breathe a bit.

    Three years ago, we made back up and as shocking as it sounds, we haven't argued once in those three years. She is stable now with her conditions and she met my stepdad and recently got married to him and she has calmed down so much. She is like a new person. She admitted her mistakes from when I was younger and as much as she hurt me in the past, I can't hold that against her forever, especially now that she does everything for me. She also admitted she was bitter than I had someone and she didn't at that time and that is why she tried to cause trouble with me and my partner. I know she was ill and in a bad place after being abused by my dad and that caused a lot of it. Now, we text and Snapchat nearly every minute of the day, her and my partner get on like a house on fire now (you would never think there was any bad blood there at all), I see her most days, she is helping me with my wedding etc.

    My mum is proof that people can change and I'm forever grateful for that. I'd be lost without my mum now :cry2:

    As for my grandparents, I still see them as my mum and dad. I see myself as having 2 mum's and a dad :laugh: I even call my papa 'dad' and he doesn't bat an eyelid and my gran regularly calls him my dad too lol. My close family was always very small - just me, my mum, gran and papa. Me and my mum were both only children so I think that added to us being a lot like sisters too.
    • #1
    #1

    Not very well tbh
    It sucks. There are good times like Christmas and results and holidays but there are bad times. Like when my Mum lost her job, when my Dad had tons of presentations and stuff and whenever my siblings get really moody everyone just fights :argh:You learn to live with it though and I love being distracted by things like my work and TSR :lol: and my friends.
    Its just a shame there is a need for this distraction.
    I can't wait until Uni. I have lots of motivation to leave and go study somewhere as far away as possible. I just have to get the grades lol
    • #2
    #2

    Not very well. I love them both. I can't imagine life without my mother, she's my everything. But they fight a lot between them. Their relationship is toxic, and we kids suffer as a result. They had a tough life so their mental health isn't in the greatest condition. She won't leave him because she can't raise us alone, and he won't leave her because he doesn't want us to go astray. But whenever they're in one room together chaos ensues. And it isn't pretty.

    It's kind of scary, at one point I started having auditory hallucinations of my dad shouting and it would give me panic attacks. I've learned to deal with it over the years, though it still upsets me. Even though I'm an adult, I can't leave them. My father doesn't have the best temper and it scares me because I know when he is angry he completely loses all sense of control and become very dangerous - which I obviously don't want to mess with. And I don't have the heart to leave my mother. The life I want to live is also very different to the life they want for me but even though I hate the life I'm living, and struggle to get through it daily, I cannot change it. It's too big of a risk that I don't think is worth taking.

    I know I have to be grateful though. They both love me and my siblings very very much, I get told this every day and they spoil us despite having barely any money to spare they want me and my siblings to live a life of luxury and not have to worry about anything. And I am so thankful for that, I just wish they were happier. And I wish they were more open minded to new ideas and more respectful of my wishes. That's all.
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    Before my parents split, they had a decent amount of trouble. My dad used to put her down a lot, and would never help out with me and my brother. When they did split, he quickly moved in with another woman and my mum, brother and I became homeless. I don't have a lot of contact with my dad, but I've learned to forgive him. It's too painful to hold a grudge like that for so long. He doesn't often make a lot of effort with me still, but when he does he really tries. It took me years to learn how to interact with him again because I just didn't know how. I was never really alone with him, even when we lived in the same house, so if we went out to lunch together I had no clue how to be around him. Considering I only saw him a couple of times a year, which was stupid really considering he lives and works really close, it took me a long time. I still don't see my dad much, but at least I can interact with him a lot easier now.

    When my brother was very ill, it took a big toll and the relationship between my mum and I. We would fight all the time, and we just couldn't understand each other. Both of our mental health was rapidly deteriorating, but as I got older I got myself help, as did she, and things quickly got better. We still had a lot of trouble, but we weren't walking on eggshells 24/7. My brother was seriously mentally ill at the time and that was the source of about 99% or our upsets. We don't have a particularly close or lovey relationship now, a few years later, and things like love just go unmentioned, but we get on really well now that stresses have been lowered for us both. We support each other and tell each other things, and we talk like friends a lot of the time.

    When my parents split, it was quite difficult for me in particular. My mum put all of her energy into hating him, and I was left to look after the family. I was only 8, and I was dealing with the financial burdens and I was even the one who had to sort out the arrangements when our house was repossessed and we became homeless. My mum would talk to me like I was her therapist and it did take a toll on my relationship with my dad. She gave me all of the details of their conversations after the split, and I knew every single detail. She hated my dad, so I started to hate him a little bit. I don't really want to say hate, because I don't hate people, but it was very close to it. It wasn't until my brother became very seriously mentally ill a number of years ago that I managed to convince her that her and my dad needed to work together. Her focus needed to be on my brother, not picking apart my dad's decisions and thoughts on every situation. Since then, things have been a lot easier. I can put on the calendar that I'm seeing my dad without having to listen to how awful he is, and they can make decisions about my brother together rather than me doing it all. I stay away from most of the details of his mental health as they are private to him, yet I was still having to help my mum make legal decisions about his care and having to talk to his doctors and social services in her place, because she was getting so upset and distressed that she couldn't help him. This doesn't happen so much anymore, which I'm glad for. I can have a relationship with both of my parents, and while it's mainly separate they get on well enough that I can talk to them both and not have to worry about it and they can both be involved in the same parts of my life. It took a lot of work, but my relationship with my parents is the best it's ever been and I think it's only going to get better
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    My relationship with them could be better.
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    Im just reading these comments and I'm thinking my life is so ****ing boring
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    Pretty well with my mum, she's everything you want in a mum. The sort of person who automatically makes me feel better when I go to them

    The opposite with my dad. He's everything you don't want in a dad. His mental health problems have made him violent and aggressive therefore not the easiest person to live with.

    It's a struggle because they're still together so it's a catch 22 for me, feel happy at home but sad too
    • #3
    #3

    If they were locked in a burning building I would laugh and walk away
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    I love my parents, obviously we argue and what not but they're the best parents I could have had. They've tried to their best and beyond for me and my siblings, that's all you can ask for really.

    Reading other people posts, makes my life sound quite boring lol!
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    Amazingly well.*

    I never really got on with my Dad until this past year or so, but since then it has been fantastic. It seemed to be a case of us not having much to talk / constantly butting heads but that eventually changed. Especially when I started to face some mental issues and was put on medication/referred to hospital we got a hell of a lot closer.

    I've always gotten on well with my mother. But once again, we still seemed to get closer in the past year or so. Getting closer to my Dad was more to do with us spending more time together as a family, rather than just one-on-one time after all. *
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    Seeing my mum brings me similar joy to when I used to see a certain someone's dog, so I'd say pretty well, although a few improvements needed here and there.
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    Love em both but since my mum and dad separated when i was 16,ive resented them both in truth,my dad for not changing and my mum for associating every annoying trait i have with him...recently found out more about my mums family which is cool and quite a laugh tbh
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    This thread is so depressing.
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    We have yet to reach the point of equilibrium. But it's an enjoyable journey, I'm still a teenager of course the relationships going to be a lil' shaky.
    • #4
    #4

    Honestly, I don't get on well with them at all. My relationship with them is so toxic I'm counting the days until I can leave for uni.
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    I always find it kinda difficult to put a name on what I have with my parents... They're still married but unofficially separated, and I don't think they've seen each other for a good couple of years now? I can't remember off the top of my head.

    My dad is nice enough, but... distant? He sends money every term for lunch provisions while I'm at school and sometimes asks how I'm doing in my subjects, but after I failed Chem at A-Level and told him I wasn't planning on ever following in his footsteps (he's a surgeon), he sort of lost interest in me. He's a bit like the TSR elite snobs - believes STEM uni courses or Med/Vet at Oxbridge are the only degrees worth pursuing

    I also have a very hot-and-cold relationship with my ma. On a superficial level, I can laugh and have jokes with her, but I never really know where I stand; I'm kind of always afraid of accidentally crossing the line. She always tells me that I can come straight to her if I have school issues, and yet she didn't talk to me for a week after she saw my GCSE results back last year, and only broke her shunning to literally tell me how disappointed she was in me and how I had no reason to be proud of such poor results. A similar thing has happened with my uni choices - time and time again she asks me what universities I'm applying to, what course I want to study, and even what A-Level options I took - she never remembers, but whether it's because she has other things on her mind or they don't rank very highly on her list of priorities I dunno lol

    Bottom line is, I think they're fantastic people overall, but I feel like they definitely would have been better off without me :cool: This isn't meant to be depressing though! I'm honestly not bothered by it since I have a pretty good support system in my friends and other relatives, and by the time I go to uni this time next year, I won't see or hear from them very often at all
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    Sometimes I love them and sometimes I hate them. I just hope I can grow up to be a better parent than they were in the sense that I can pick up on their wrongdoings and improve them for my life.
    • #5
    #5

    I've got really religious immigrant parents. The kind who expect me to be married and heaving out babies before the age of 30.... The kind who will scream at me in public if my top is 2 inches below my collarbone. They never let me have a social life - I would have to lie and say I'm going to the library if I wanted to chill at a friend's house, and even then I'd have to get home before 5.30pm.

    Dating was completely out of the question. Up to the age of 19, I think I went on a total of 2 dates, and I couldn't even enjoy them as I was too paranoid that a family friend would see me and tell my parents. My mother was the stricter one - she was not afraid to use physical means of punishment. She regularly called me horrible names and always complained saying "I wish I never had daughters, I only wanted sons because daughters just cause trouble".

    As an atheist myself, I've had to live a double life. I managed to work my ass off and get amazing grades throughout school, with my only motivation being to get myself to a uni far away from my hometown so I could start having a life. When I was at school, that was the only place I felt I could truly be myself - my friends weren't going to judge me or scorn me for rolling my sleeves up or for talking to a male friend. The teachers loved me as I was a hard worker. And when I went home, I'd have to pretend to be religious and adhere to my parent's stupid rules, or face the consequences.

    When I was 17 and 18, I began to fall into depression - I had terrible insomnia, mood swings, crazy eating habits, I'd spend nights crying and feeling so lonely. As a consequence, when I got my A-Level results they were shockingly bad due to the amount of absences and lack of interaction with my studies as all my motivation had gone. I had gone from a straight A* student at GCSE to getting Cs. When I explained to my parents how I was feeling, they called me a liar, said I was making excuses, my dad even hit me. They made up things like "did you have a secret boyfriend who was distracting you from your studies" because they just could not comprehend the meaning of depression.

    I realised the only person to help me get away from all of this was myself. I consciously made the decision to repeat a year of A-Level in order to redeem myself and get better grades so I could finally get onto the course I wanted and escape from my parents. Managed to get myself into medical school, and 3 years on my depression is finally so much more improved and I'm actually living a lifestyle that I enjoy! I still go home occasionally to visit my parents - a few times a term - and I still have to put on a fake persona around them so they don't flip. But as the visits are few and far between, life is a lot better. I met some lovely friends in uni, I love my course and I actually have a decent social life where I can do what I like without judgement.

    My relationship with my parents has improved slightly, mostly because I'm doing a degree that they approve of. But I still don't tell them any details about my life except the names of a few female friends, and my academic work. They know nothing about my private life, because if I tell them the truth about what kind of person I am, they would most certainly disown me.

    There's a poem by Philip Larkin which particularly resonates with me... It's called This Be The Verse. It has some swearing so I don't think it's appropriate for BBC Radio 1 Surgery, but its worth looking up if you've got a bad relationship with your parents too :lol:
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    It was and is a desaster what led that I have no contacts to my parents anylonger. To be honest I am not willing to contact them.*

    It began in younger ages that my father was trying to teach my brother and me the right characters in his view. That was disgusting. Being strong in the sense of not showing weaknesses by emotions, being the proud of the father by meeting his expectations. Awful, just awful. As I was renitent in following ages, it came to struggles and a lot of issues in private life. He had the main part in parenting my brother and me. My mother was always a good person to talk, to enrourage myself, to help me to come back in normal life. However, she was too weak to get influences in parenting, to confront my father. That is a character of my mother what I always hated. Sometimes it was like a Prussian*life I had to live. I didn't like those living conditions. And on top of that - when our relationship was full of tension - he said to me that he expects to get children and thus to carry on the bloodline. WHAT???! I am still angry by thinking about this statement. A tragic event in the family has broken my relationship to my parents completely. My father raised another family with another wife. My mother? I don't know what happened to her. Since she was divorced, I had problems to get a good realationship. I have begun to do my own things and to live in my way. I am sure she worried about me. But I have not forgiven her. Not forgiving in terms of being too weak and too shy to play a role in parenting.

    And so *my life to my parents ended up so badly.*

    **
 
 
 
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