Needed to get some thoughts off of my chest

Right well where do i begin, basically I’m at the end of my tether at the moment, and i really don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
Well a little about myself now. I’m a 19 year old male, about 5 feet in height and I also have a medical condition known as Hydrocephalus. I have just finished my first year at University doing a computer games design course. I passed everything, and got good results which are great, as that is the reason i really went there so i can pass and end of with a job that i enjoy and am passionate about.
Basically i feel like an outcast, an oddball if you will at University. I’m not a very outspoken person to everyone and I’m definitely not the most confident person. I’ve never been clubbing at all in my life as i feel out of place because of my height at too be honest, i really have crap social skills compared to other people.
I was bullied very verbally during secondary school because of my height, it seemed to me that everyone made fun of me, and i just felt like a real outcast. I got into a few fights with the main culprit of this bullying and there were other instances where i would take abuse after abuse after abuse because i was afraid of being punished and something happening to me i.e. getting expelled (this is how crap the bullying policy was at the secondary school i went to) So i just took it, i didn’t fight back and i just blocked it out day after day, there were a few moments where i just snapped and attacked a person that was bullying me at the time, this usually led into a fight where i would eventually say to myself ...stop...it would only be worse if you really hurt them, this is what i truly felt, there was no middle ground i felt that if i was going to hurt them i would seriously hurt them so i stopped myself from seriously fighting back. This really caused me to go into a shell if you will, i didn’t have any friends for a whole year really but this did get better once i had done my GCSE’s and started sixth form. This is when i really got a good group of friends, i didn’t really have that much in common with them but i began to come out of my shell a bit, i really cherished some of those group activities we had whether that be various l.a.n. parties or the two camping trips we had (one for a piece of coursework and another to climb Snowdon, they were two of the happiest experiences of my life now that i think back on it.
The second camping trip was the last time i saw any of them before University, as i wanted a fresh start with everything, so i just instinctively severed all my ties really so i could start anew as i felt that this was the best thing for me to do.

So September of last year i went to University, although i was commuting from home as I felt that living away from home was really daunting and would not fit me at all, so i started my course, and got a few friends, nobody really close but people who i could at least talk to now and then which was nice, this was mostly because we had to do an assignment as a group
About a month into this University course i decided that I wanted to try living in halls, eventually they found a spare room as someone had left, so i moved into this room with a few others in the flat, it was an interesting experience, and i stayed there for a while yet i didn’t really have anything in common with the others, it didn’t exactly help that a few of them were well were basically the complete opposite of my personality, they seemed so daunting to me they really did so because of this i spent allot of my time in my room, i didn’t really get to know them or go out with them as they were just so daunting to me and tbh i was scared, i got on well with the one flatmate however as he was on the same course of me so we had something in common with one another, and we both had the same interests in computer games.

So anyway everything was going ok, i was hanging in there, but i wasn’t really myself so come Christmas i decided to move and i asked for to if i could move into an en suite room with another guy i knew from my course who seemed friendly which was great. So i moved into this hall and it was a hell of allot better than the previous one, i actually went out with them a few times (not drinking or clubbing as it was still daunting to me). They seemed far more mature and more my type of people than the people i already lived with.
So anyway so i lived here until the end of the university year, nearing the end i was approaching by the two flatmates i got on well with whether i wanted to live in a house with them. While i got on well with them, they were also had a friend of theirs that i didn’t really get along with and couldn’t envision me living another year or two with him as well so i politely declined, and i eventually decided to commute from home as the University is only an hour away on bus or about half hour or so on the train so it is practical.
After i came home from University i managed to get in touch and start talking with those friends that i had in sixth form, and we have met up once to go to the cinema and share a few jokes and memories and i genially enjoyed it and it’s another one of those things that I’m glad i went to.
Anyhow it’s only a month or two before University starts again and being my under confident self I’m extremely worried about it. I would love to meet some nice people now and make some really close friends that i have many interests and things to share. I’m not a bad/nasty or malicious person at heart, i just find myself extremely shy and under confident most of the time. But when i get to know people i can let my guard down and be a nice and happy guy.
I sometimes wonder whether if things would be different if at birth i had not had Hydrocephalus. Nobody at secondary school ever knew that i had this as i didn’t think that it was anything to make me different, but recently I’ve been reading up on it and thinking that it might actually effect me more than i think which would probably explain a great deal about myself and my personality.
There are others things on my mind as well, because of earlier experiences i never really thought of having a girlfriend, as I just thought about surviving, getting through life and just hiding in my shell. There is nothing abnormal about me in regard about the fairer sex, I’m straight and have the normal manly urges/feelings of attraction to women. However I’ve never actually had a girlfriend, as i just didn’t think that they would find me attractive at all, the really small guy who was an outcast. However now i feel that i have really come out of my shell to start looking for a girlfriend, i would love to meet someone that i can get along with, chat too, and just be happy with without having to change who i am at heart. But i wonder whether i will have to change who i am to even compete with others. There any girls on here who find small guys attractive :wink:

. Not having had one before i feel is embarrassing and i can’t see myself admitting it to anyone, and i wonder if i did get a girlfriend what they would think of this fact, I’m just really shy and well i can’t turn back time so this is something i will have to accept.

So well there you go, I can’t say that I’ve wrote everything down here, nor will it all make sense :smile:

i just felt like i really did have to get some of my thoughts off of my chest, so thanks for reading and listening.

Reply 1

Tonic

Can you sum it up please? I can't be bothered to read all that

Reply 2

Bismarck

I think you should just bite the bullet and try to spend as much time as possible with other people, including ones you don't know well. It might seem hard at first, but this is something you have to do to live a normal life. University is far more forgiving than the real world, so this is your last chance to break out of your shell before it's too late. Yes, it might lead to anxiety and other problems at first, but keep on telling yourself that this is necessary for your future well-being.

The height thing might be a bit of a problem with the ladies, but don't worry about something you can't change. If you start being confident and talk to a lot of members of the opposite sex, at least some will find you attractive. But once again, the first step is to immerse yourself in a social environment, no matter how scared you are of doing it.

Reply 3

TOD100

The jist is, he is a shy, short, but nice guy who feels incompetent in comparrison with the average joe at uni.

He would like a girlfriend but is worried as he has never had one before, and is sceptical that there is a match for him out there, with the same interests.

My advice would be to just go out and socialise more, even if you feel uncomfortable at first. You can't meet like minded people if you don't put yourself out there. They won't come and find you if you hide away in your room!

Confidence doesn't happen over night.

Reply 4

It seems like every time you get close to people you push them away and retreat (friends from school, first house-mate, now second group of housemates). Commuting from home might be a practical solution cost-wise, but it isn't from a social point of view. You should make the effort, grit your teeth and put yourself back out there, move in with the people who have offered you a place. You've got to try as hard as you can to be social with these people, if you recede into yourself you'll never get out again; University is the best place to open up socially.

The problem isn't that you're short, its that being short/bullied has made you distance yourself from people. Now that you know, make a conscious effort to stop yourself doing it. Go live with your friends and have fun, they obviously don't see you as a short-outcast-guy, so why should you?

Reply 5

King Hippo

Tonic

Can you sum it up please? I can't be bothered to read all that

That's your problem then, not his.

Reply 6

Rutter knows best!

when you get usd to just existing and getting by its a fairly apathetic in far as highs and lows in my expirience.

its only once you raise your expectations and want more from life that it become alot more of an emotional rollercoaster.

its hard to find what you truly believe to be close friends and like when you say about not having a girlfriend before , trying to get intimate with someone and find that connection can be difficult but you just have to kind of put your self out there. being open, bein yourself around other people puts you in the vulnerable position of people not liked for who you really are.(in appose to putting a front up).but the rewards of when you do over weigh that risk.

its not dr.phil but hey.

Reply 7

hannah_dru

Hey OP

I have Hydrocephalus too and I've been reading about the symptoms lately because I'm not sure if I have a shunt blockage. I've often felt like an outcast, not had many friends and wondered what life would've been like if I hadn't been born with it. If you ever need anyone to talk to about it you can always PM me.

I was talking to a social worker at my local health centre yesterday who also has Hydrocephalus. He said that it's just one of those things that you will learn to accept in time.