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Boyfriend cheated...What do you think?
Six weeks ago my boyfriend of 3 years told me he slept with another girl while I was on my gap year travels (id been in asia for 2 and a half months and he told me a few days after I got back). I was absolutely shocked and devestated, to say the least, because I'd trusted him 100% and we'd had such a fantastic relationship for so long.
Initially I was convinced that our relationship was over, that I could never look at him the same again, and for 4 days I didnt speak to him. Then it just got too hard and I was feeling so week that I had to be with him, and for the next couple of weeks we were in a sort of limbo position - spending a lot of time together but still talking it all over and working things through. As it stands right now, however, we are pretty much 'back to normal' and its virtually like nothing ever happened.
But of course it did happen, and every now and then it still comes into my head and I wonder what I'm doing. I am SO confused.
On the one hand, he should NEVER have done that to me, and im so hurt and angry about the whole thing. But on the other hand I know that it was completely out of character, he never would've done it if I hadn't left him behind for so long, this was the first thing he has ever done even slightly wrong throughout our whole relationship, and he has done everything he could to make it up to me since and prove how utterly sorry he is. And when it comes down to it I still love him and I'm not ready for him to be out of my life.
So what do people think?? Is a situation like this completely unforgivable and thats the end of it, or do people deserve a second chance? Please be completely honest with me because my friends obviously have all sorts of biases and obligations that stop them from being objective. HELP ME!
Initially I was convinced that our relationship was over, that I could never look at him the same again, and for 4 days I didnt speak to him. Then it just got too hard and I was feeling so week that I had to be with him, and for the next couple of weeks we were in a sort of limbo position - spending a lot of time together but still talking it all over and working things through. As it stands right now, however, we are pretty much 'back to normal' and its virtually like nothing ever happened.
But of course it did happen, and every now and then it still comes into my head and I wonder what I'm doing. I am SO confused.
On the one hand, he should NEVER have done that to me, and im so hurt and angry about the whole thing. But on the other hand I know that it was completely out of character, he never would've done it if I hadn't left him behind for so long, this was the first thing he has ever done even slightly wrong throughout our whole relationship, and he has done everything he could to make it up to me since and prove how utterly sorry he is. And when it comes down to it I still love him and I'm not ready for him to be out of my life.
So what do people think?? Is a situation like this completely unforgivable and thats the end of it, or do people deserve a second chance? Please be completely honest with me because my friends obviously have all sorts of biases and obligations that stop them from being objective. HELP ME!
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Personally, I think it's unforgivable. Although, saying that, if I was in your position, and my boyfriend had cheated on me and then done everything he could to make it up, then I think I would probably get back with him. I think it just depends on trust really, and if you want to be with him. Can you still trust him after this? Or are you suspicious that he may do it again? Unless you have complete faith in him, then it isn't going to work.
I think it's forgivable in this case from what you say but if you are going to be haunted by it then it's going to hang over your relationship and may eventually ruin it. I know it's a really hard thing to do but for this relationship to work you both need to put what happened behind you and if you can't do that there may be trouble
If I was being totally objective, I'd advise you to dump the scumwad and find yourself someone who respects that a three-year relationship is worth making an effort for, and he shouldn't just go off and sleep with someone as soon as you went away. I'd also theorise that the guy either has no backbone and someone came onto him while you were gone OR that he actually waited for you to go away in order to put it about a bit, hoping you wouldn't find out.
However...in a perfect world people would never cheat, or if they did their partners could switch off their feelings for them immediately, break up and never think of them again. But, given that this is (sometimes I think sadly!) impossible, there must be a bit of give and take in a relationship. You have to accept that mistakes happen, horrible though it is, and it's up to the individual how much give and take is involved, and so which mistakes are forgivable and which aren't. I'm getting from your post that you aren't able to just let this incident go, and I sympathise as I expect I would be the same.
The thing is, though, that if you can't accept that this was (hopefully) a mistake and move on from it, and that means not just forgiving but actually forgetting as well - i.e. completely letting it go and never bringing it up again, not having it lurking at the back of your mind when he cancels on you, not wondering what he's up to when he's an hour late home...if you can't do that, then you should break up with him. It's harsh, but if there's no trust in the relationship then it will slowly but surely prise you apart.
If you honestly believe this was out of character and he'd never do it again in a million years, forget it and move on, never mention it again. If you can't, I don't think you can ever have that essential closeness and trust again that you need in a relationship, and you will eventually break up anyway; in that case, it's best to get it over with now rather than go through a few more weeks or months of mistrust and missing the closeness and reliance that used to be there.
Hope this helps.
However...in a perfect world people would never cheat, or if they did their partners could switch off their feelings for them immediately, break up and never think of them again. But, given that this is (sometimes I think sadly!) impossible, there must be a bit of give and take in a relationship. You have to accept that mistakes happen, horrible though it is, and it's up to the individual how much give and take is involved, and so which mistakes are forgivable and which aren't. I'm getting from your post that you aren't able to just let this incident go, and I sympathise as I expect I would be the same.
The thing is, though, that if you can't accept that this was (hopefully) a mistake and move on from it, and that means not just forgiving but actually forgetting as well - i.e. completely letting it go and never bringing it up again, not having it lurking at the back of your mind when he cancels on you, not wondering what he's up to when he's an hour late home...if you can't do that, then you should break up with him. It's harsh, but if there's no trust in the relationship then it will slowly but surely prise you apart.
If you honestly believe this was out of character and he'd never do it again in a million years, forget it and move on, never mention it again. If you can't, I don't think you can ever have that essential closeness and trust again that you need in a relationship, and you will eventually break up anyway; in that case, it's best to get it over with now rather than go through a few more weeks or months of mistrust and missing the closeness and reliance that used to be there.
Hope this helps.
Anonymous
Six weeks ago my boyfriend of 3 years told me he slept with another girl while I was on my gap year travels (id been in asia for 2 and a half months and he told me a few days after I got back). I was absolutely shocked and devestated, to say the least, because I'd trusted him 100% and we'd had such a fantastic relationship for so long.
Initially I was convinced that our relationship was over, that I could never look at him the same again, and for 4 days I didnt speak to him. Then it just got too hard and I was feeling so week that I had to be with him, and for the next couple of weeks we were in a sort of limbo position - spending a lot of time together but still talking it all over and working things through. As it stands right now, however, we are pretty much 'back to normal' and its virtually like nothing ever happened.
But of course it did happen, and every now and then it still comes into my head and I wonder what I'm doing. I am SO confused.
On the one hand, he should NEVER have done that to me, and im so hurt and angry about the whole thing. But on the other hand I know that it was completely out of character, he never would've done it if I hadn't left him behind for so long, this was the first thing he has ever done even slightly wrong throughout our whole relationship, and he has done everything he could to make it up to me since and prove how utterly sorry he is. And when it comes down to it I still love him and I'm not ready for him to be out of my life.
So what do people think?? Is a situation like this completely unforgivable and thats the end of it, or do people deserve a second chance? Please be completely honest with me because my friends obviously have all sorts of biases and obligations that stop them from being objective. HELP ME!
Initially I was convinced that our relationship was over, that I could never look at him the same again, and for 4 days I didnt speak to him. Then it just got too hard and I was feeling so week that I had to be with him, and for the next couple of weeks we were in a sort of limbo position - spending a lot of time together but still talking it all over and working things through. As it stands right now, however, we are pretty much 'back to normal' and its virtually like nothing ever happened.
But of course it did happen, and every now and then it still comes into my head and I wonder what I'm doing. I am SO confused.
On the one hand, he should NEVER have done that to me, and im so hurt and angry about the whole thing. But on the other hand I know that it was completely out of character, he never would've done it if I hadn't left him behind for so long, this was the first thing he has ever done even slightly wrong throughout our whole relationship, and he has done everything he could to make it up to me since and prove how utterly sorry he is. And when it comes down to it I still love him and I'm not ready for him to be out of my life.
So what do people think?? Is a situation like this completely unforgivable and thats the end of it, or do people deserve a second chance? Please be completely honest with me because my friends obviously have all sorts of biases and obligations that stop them from being objective. HELP ME!
i think everyone deserves a second chance, but i mean two and a half months isnt that long if he cant keep it in his pants for that long when he loves you, then imo hes pretty useless. But you cant change your feeling and if you love him then it will hurt you not to be with him. on the other hand you may probably never trust him again which is a shame seeing as before this incident you had a good relationship. I think it depends on if you can get over it, and if you can forgive and forget, i mean everytime you have an argument are you gonna bring it up etc.. cos if so then you havent got over it.
I think he is totally in the wrong and you should probably take it one step at a time to see how you react to him in situations, cos your trust in him has probably been shot to pieces. Imsorry for you, cos you sound as though you really love him and thought you had a great relationship. Good luck for the future, anddont let him blame you for cheating cos you were on hols without him- that is totally out of order!
He couldn't stay faithful unsupervised for two and a half months? ****, I don't care how sorry he is or how in love with you he claims to be: he's clearly not the pick of the ****ing day.
You don't know that. How many times have you been apart that long? Probably just this once, right? In that case, he has a 100% failure rate for this scenario. It *might* be out of character, and it might be his big achilles' heel as a person. You need more than one data point to be able to know one way or the other.
it was completely out of character
hey i know what he did is wrong yeah, but give him credit for being honest with you.
these guys all given good advice but by the end of the day, it is your decision
these guys all given good advice but by the end of the day, it is your decision
lordcrusade9
hey i know what he did is wrong yeah, but give him credit for being honest with you.
these guys all given good advice but by the end of the day, it is your decision
these guys all given good advice but by the end of the day, it is your decision
honesty doesnt turn back the clock though, i mean he may have told her to stop the girl he cheated on her with from telling her.. there could be ulterior motives etc.. **** that sounds really paranoid
but it could be the caseyeah i know man. cheating is so wrong and feeling remorse is not enough like feeling remorse would let criminal get off free would bring the world into anarchy, but my point was it couldnt have been worse if he didnt tell you and remorse is better than just didnt tell you.
I don't think it was very nice and it certainly would have made me angry, but I think you have to respect him for telling you, even if he did cheat. It shows that he understands that he did something very wrong and realises that you may be hurt.
Did he have a relationship with this girl, or did he sleep with her once and then never again? Both are nasty but in my opinion, the latter is almost 'better' because it shows that he was doing it just for sex and he did not love the girl.
If it was me, I would probably give him a second chance because he was honest. However, it is up to you. You say that you have got on well since and your relationship is still going, so really ou have already granted him a second chance. Like someone said earlier though, this will hang over you for a long time and if it happens again, my advice would be to seriously reconsider how committed he is to your relationship.
Did he have a relationship with this girl, or did he sleep with her once and then never again? Both are nasty but in my opinion, the latter is almost 'better' because it shows that he was doing it just for sex and he did not love the girl.
If it was me, I would probably give him a second chance because he was honest. However, it is up to you. You say that you have got on well since and your relationship is still going, so really ou have already granted him a second chance. Like someone said earlier though, this will hang over you for a long time and if it happens again, my advice would be to seriously reconsider how committed he is to your relationship.
lordcrusade9
yeah i know man. cheating is so wrong and feeling remorse is not enough like feeling remorse would let criminal get off free would bring the world into anarchy, but my point was it couldnt have been worse if he didnt tell you and remorse is better than just didnt tell you.
there are worse things than cheating imo like being beaten up etc.. but anyway, being honest is good, dont get me wrong, and he should get a pat on the back for it, but it still sucks that he couldnt not have sex for two and half months, i mean ****ing hell monks and priests never have sex! being honest and saying sorry doesnt make it all better though
unfinished sympathy
i mean ****ing hell monks and priests never have sex!
some of them do, with children. they are called paedophilic catholic priests and are the most disgusting thing ever
and priests in church of England are allowed to marry. Most Protestants do not believe in clergy celibacy.
lordcrusade9
some of them do, with children. they are called paedophilic catholic priests and are the most disgusting thing ever
and priests in church of England are allowed to marry. Most Protestants do not believe in clergy celibacy.
and priests in church of England are allowed to marry. Most Protestants do not believe in clergy celibacy.
okay okay there are some exceptions, but still two and a half months!come on.. couldnt he just have a **** or something bleedin hell, i mean if his relationship was really important to him then he wouldnt have cheated would he?
Normally I'd say dump his sorry arse.
However, if you feel that you can forgive him and carry on with the relationship, that's up to you.
You'll probably find that the fact he cheated on you will remain at the back of your mind, always. As the saying goes, "once a cheater, always a cheater". Do you think you'd be able to forgive yourself for entering this relationship again knowing that he has the potential to cheat, and for him to do it again. Could you cope with that? If not, I don't think you should get back together. But if you think he's worth the risk, go for it.
However, if you feel that you can forgive him and carry on with the relationship, that's up to you.
You'll probably find that the fact he cheated on you will remain at the back of your mind, always. As the saying goes, "once a cheater, always a cheater". Do you think you'd be able to forgive yourself for entering this relationship again knowing that he has the potential to cheat, and for him to do it again. Could you cope with that? If not, I don't think you should get back together. But if you think he's worth the risk, go for it.
Well I guess he cared enough and felt guilty enough to tell you, but the trouble is even if you do let him have another chance, the trust has now been damaged, maybe forever. Not everyone continues to cheat but if he cheated just because you was away from him for a short time, I would seriously question his loyalty.
guys are very unforgiving...i say we should treat them as they treat us. would your boyfriend forgive you if you did that to him?
on the plus side...he did tell you very quickly though.also depends on if he was drunk when it happened etc etc
on the plus side...he did tell you very quickly though.also depends on if he was drunk when it happened etc etc
I think it really depends on your feelings for him. When my ex cheated on me, I tried to make it work but I just couldn't trust him again.
But if you really love him and you can trust him, and you're still happy with him, then maybe you should give him a second chance?
Just be sure that he's not gonna hurt you again.
xx
But if you really love him and you can trust him, and you're still happy with him, then maybe you should give him a second chance?
Just be sure that he's not gonna hurt you again.
xx
Think about incentives when making your decision. If you forget about it, move on and all that, then effectively you are giving him an incentive to do it again, on the basis that he has got away with it before. Therefore you must be very clear that if he ever does this to you again, it is definitely over, and you'll probably get a hit squad on him as well.
Of course, with that declaration, you give him a pretty strong incentive not to tell you if he does cheat! This is where trust comes into it. If you are going to wonder about whether he is goin behind your back, then end it - you won't be happy. But if you are genuinely convinced he would never do it again, then go ahead with it - people make mistakes.
Of course, with that declaration, you give him a pretty strong incentive not to tell you if he does cheat! This is where trust comes into it. If you are going to wonder about whether he is goin behind your back, then end it - you won't be happy. But if you are genuinely convinced he would never do it again, then go ahead with it - people make mistakes.
Two and a half months.
You say it's out of character, and if you hadn't 'left him behind' it wouldn't have happened. But obviously it would.
Two and a half months is not a long time. What does this mean for the future? Can you never leave his side for a period of time, else he cheat?
Ship out. Move on.
You say it's out of character, and if you hadn't 'left him behind' it wouldn't have happened. But obviously it would.
Two and a half months is not a long time. What does this mean for the future? Can you never leave his side for a period of time, else he cheat?
Ship out. Move on.
Fleece
Two and a half months.
You say it's out of character, and if you hadn't 'left him behind' it wouldn't have happened. But obviously it would.
Two and a half months is not a long time. What does this mean for the future? Can you never leave his side for a period of time, else he cheat?
Ship out. Move on.
You say it's out of character, and if you hadn't 'left him behind' it wouldn't have happened. But obviously it would.
Two and a half months is not a long time. What does this mean for the future? Can you never leave his side for a period of time, else he cheat?
Ship out. Move on.
??
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