Boyfriend has close female friend

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    Please keep anonymous or delete.*

    I have a boyfriend that is really amazing in so many ways and I have been really happy with him so far. *However I have come to realise he has a close female friend which is starting to make me really uncomfortable.

    He says nothing has ever happened with them and he has never been romantically interested in her and if something was going to happen it would have done as they been friends for many years. He reassures me I have nothing at all to worry about and he only has eyes for me. He said *i could read their messages but I feel bad accepting so I declined. If they spoke a few times a week and saw eachother occasionally I wouldn't mind but they message pretty much everyday or every other day and meet up every week. When she is upset he is the first person I think she goes to and he goes running.

    He says I am more important but if I made him choose our relationship would end. I would never ask him to ditch his friend because of my worries but it hurts all the same. What makes me feel 10x worse is that my ex betrayed me with a girl he described as his good friend. He used to reassure me aswell so now I find it so much more difficult.*

    I have no idea what to do. It is bothering me alot and I question whether I can have a future with him when this is a big issue for me. *I know I would feel alot worse if we were broken up though.*

    Does anyone have any advice? :-(*
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    Yes. If he says nothing is going on, then trust him.
    I've recently lost a very good friend of 10 years as his girlfriend made him choose. And as he's so desperate to make it work, he chose her.
    Nothing ever happened between us. Nothing ever will. We were good friends and sadly enough, if we were of the same sex, it wouldn't have been a problem.
    I understand your worries, but ultimately it's only him that can make a choice if he wants to remain friends with her or lose you etc.
    Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do but trust him.
    That's what makes a relationship work.
    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by deviant182)
    Yes. If he says nothing is going on, then trust him.
    I've recently lost a very good friend of 10 years as his girlfriend made him choose. And as he's so desperate to make it work, he chose her.
    Nothing ever happened between us. Nothing ever will. We were good friends and sadly enough, if we were of the same sex, it wouldn't have been a problem.
    I understand your worries, but ultimately it's only him that can make a choice if he wants to remain friends with her or lose you etc.
    Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do but trust him.
    That's what makes a relationship work.
    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Sorry to hear about your friend. Out of curiousity did you ever meet her? What exactly was her issue?

    I'm just not sure how to get rid of these awful feelings and thoughts I'm having. Every time they message or I know they are meeting up I feel like i have just been cheated on even though mentally and logically I don't believe he would cheat.*
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    No trust = no relationship.

    I think you need to have a word with yourself.
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    Let him have his friend - they fulfill some need in each other that is separate from your relationship - and trust him. The reason he says it would be over if you can't is because he would have to give up both those things, i.e. you would ruin what you have by jealousy or or need to control.
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    I used to be like this but I learnt not to give a **** and trust him. At the end of the day, he's your boyfriend and you should be with him because you trust him 100%. You can't be with someone you don't trust.

    I can understand you've been betrayed before but I'm sure not all guys are like tho. You will have to learn not to care and trust him. Otherwise, he will get annoyed at your accusations and you not trusting him.
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    Uh oh it's the boyfriend's close female thread again. Boys have female friends, girls have male friends, that's life
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry to hear about your friend. Out of curiousity did you ever meet her? What exactly was her issue?

    I'm just not sure how to get rid of these awful feelings and thoughts I'm having. Every time they message or I know they are meeting up I feel like i have just been cheated on even though mentally and logically I don't believe he would cheat.*
    I met her once. And she spent the entire evening on her phone and calling her friends. She then made him drop her off and kept him for 2 hours just to prove a point.
    She has no issue other than she's insecure and jealous of our relationship as I had known him longer and obviously at that point knew him better. But I pointed out to her shed know him differently and it was good he'd found someone and I was happy for him.
    Ultimately those insecurities won and he's now done anything to make her happy which includes dropping his friends.
    It's a sad state the way it's ended up but I won't be there if or when they break up as he's decided to choose her. No one should have to drop their friends because a partner says so. That's not a good person to be with.
    The same as you should trust him and accept there's times you need a friend and times you need your partner. It's why you have different friends etc in the first place, you get different things from different people.
    You can't stop someone even if they are going to cheat. You can then just walk away and get on with life. Just accept their friendship. Be happy that he has someone like that and trust him.

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    There are two options:

    1) He's telling the truth and is completely open and honest about the relationship with his friend. In which case you have no problem and can get on with your boyfriend and your life without wasting any more energy or 'avalanching' every word he say's concerning her.

    2) He's not telling the truth. In which case you will find out eventually and then that will be the end with all of the grief and anguish that brings.

    Trust is mutual and reciprocal. It means opening yourself up to the latter possibility and placing your emotional safety in your partners hands. They must understand the level of responsibility and faith you have placed with them and that they will not abuse your trust because they respect you. The same must be reciprocated.

    Without it, you do not have a true relationship and it will turn into a self-fulfilling worst nightmare.

    It sounds like you have not completely recovered from the break up with your ex. Only time will heal those wounds. The best thing you can do is stop worrying over something that may or may not happen, and simply enjoy your own friendship and intimacy with your boyfriend.
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    Truthfully, I think trusting him on the situation is the only possible thing to do. The relationship should be built on trust. Additionally, if he says he isn't going to do anything, I think 'innocent until proven guilty' applies. I think the old-fashioned view that a straight male cannot have a female best friend is absurd and needs to be reconsidered.
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    If there was something going on, then surely he wouldn't have said anything to you?
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    Sorry to hear about your situation, it definitely sucks and I'm just coming to the end of my 'jealously phase' - though I'm pretty sure I just invented the idea that my SO is with someone..

    I suppose my advice is to just keep trusting your boyfriend. I know it's difficult but I would rather trust someone and risk being hurt then keep complaining or being moody to someone I love because of a speculation and eventually pushing them away.
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    Men are men, he will probably cheat on you with her mark my words one day or the other its bound the happen, he wouldn't be comfortable if you had a straight guy friend that close.
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    (Original post by uberteknik)
    there are two options:

    1) he's telling the truth and is completely open and honest about the relationship with his friend. In which case you have no problem and can get on with your boyfriend and your life without wasting any more energy or 'avalanching' every word he say's concerning her.

    2) he's not telling the truth. In which case you will find out eventually and then that will be the end with all of the grief and anguish that brings.

    Trust is mutual and reciprocal. It means opening yourself up to the latter possibility and placing your emotional safety in your partners hands. They must understand the level of responsibility and faith you have placed with them and that they will not abuse your trust because they respect you. The same must be reciprocated.

    Without it, you do not have a true relationship and it will turn into a self-fulfilling worst nightmare.

    It sounds like you have not completely recovered from the break up with your ex. Only time will heal those wounds. The best thing you can do is stop worrying over something that may or may not happen, and simply enjoy your own friendship and intimacy with your boyfriend.
    sack her off!
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    (Original post by Kraixo)
    Men are men, he will probably cheat on you with her mark my words one day or the other its bound the happen, he wouldn't be comfortable if you had a straight guy friend that close.
    Not all men are like this.
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    Urgh, there's one of these threads like once a week. Stop being insecure, he's with you for a reason.
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    Do you know what I say, go with your instincts. I do and they are right everytime.

    Some people may say you are insecure, but they cannot say such things not knowing the complete picture.

    I have to say, me and my friends have come to realise that from our experiences almost everyone will cheat, its sadly a norm these days.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thank you for everyone for your replies.*

    To those that say to trust him.. I am trying to and I know I have no reason to believe he is lying to me as it does make sense that he wouldnt be with me if he had feelings for someone else.

    It is just really really difficult as my ex would reassure me say all the same things and he still betrayed me. I know everyone is different but it makes me question everything now as I am not sure I can trust my own judgement. I have had other exs where I have found out after the relationship ended that they started to date a mutual friend etc.*

    *Is there anything dodgy about him talking so much with and seeing her so often? To me that is what bothers me the most as I always thought platonic people wouldn't be in communication as much as that. *

    I am going to try and trust him but just need advice on how I can learnt to get over these negative thoughts and feelings I have about it?*
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    If he knows it is making you feel uncomfortable, he should have this in regard and make a decision as to what's more important.

    His partner or the friend.

    People say you can have the best of both worlds in situations like this, but in reality, most cannot help feel what you are feeling and it is normal.

    So he either helps to make you not feel like that, or feels his relationship with this friend is more valuable.

    Not immature, just realistic.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry to hear about your friend. Out of curiousity did you ever meet her? What exactly was her issue?

    I'm just not sure how to get rid of these awful feelings and thoughts I'm having. Every time they message or I know they are meeting up I feel like i have just been cheated on even though mentally and logically I don't believe he would cheat.*
    A cliche but as said without trust, no relationship. Yes many people are trusting and they trust their partner (and that's when they cheat) but you just have to decide if you can put up with his friendship or not.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
 
 
 
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