Women: will wanting to wait until marriage harm my dating prospects?

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    Hi all. I'm a guy about to head of to university. I decided a couple of years ago that I didn't want to have sex before marriage for a number of reasons, none of which are religious so please don't think of me as a zealot.

    Anyway, I was wondering how the ladies of TSR would react to a potential partner telling them they wanted to wait till marriage. Would you be happy to do it, or would it be grounds for a dumping?

    I'm concerned that my position is going to lead to rejection, and I'd like to know how valid you think that concern is.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and answer!
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    You should reconsider imo.

    If you are after a serious relationship then it will be a deal breaker in most cases.

    It may seem an honourable thing to do but on a practical level it is making life very difficult for you. Not testing out your sexual compatibility with somebody before getting married is also madness.
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    I'd personally be fine with it as long we were still affectionate and intimate in other ways as I'm not a very sexual person to begin with but I can imagine it would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

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    (Original post by stefano865)
    You should reconsider imo.

    If you are after a serious relationship then it will be a deal breaker in most cases.

    It may seem an honourable thing to do but on a practical level it is making life very difficult for you. Not testing out your sexual compatibility with somebody before getting married is also madness.
    It's not about honour so much as it's about avoiding STIs, unwanted pregnancies (not a fan of abortion) and making sure I'm losing it to the right woman, as well as respecting the woman I lose it to.

    I'm not sure what you mean about sexual compatibility. Surely already having a loving relationship not built on sex would provide the best 'arena' to improve sexually?
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    If I liked him enough and could see myself with him for the long run then, then I wouldn't mind waiting
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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    I'd personally be fine with it as long we were still affectionate and intimate in other ways as I'm not a very sexual person to begin with but I can imagine it would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

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    That's comforting to hear. Thanks for the reply.
    #1

    "I decided a couple of years ago that I didn't want to have sex before marriage for a number of reasons,"
    Mind sharing these reasons with us?
    You said none are religious thus I see no reason to want this.
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    (Original post by Jonquillion)
    I'm not sure what you mean about sexual compatibility. Surely already having a loving relationship not built on sex would provide the best 'arena' to improve sexually?
    Having a loving relationship isn't always enough. You can love each other but not be sexually compatible, and that's not something I'd want to learn after marrying someone. 21F here and for me that'd be a definite definite dealbreaker, but there are (mostly religious) women out there that won't mind.
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    (Original post by Jonquillion)
    It's not about honour so much as it's about avoiding STIs, unwanted pregnancies (not a fan of abortion) and making sure I'm losing it to the right woman, as well as respecting the woman I lose it to.

    I'm not sure what you mean about sexual compatibility. Surely already having a loving relationship not built on sex would provide the best 'arena' to improve sexually?

    Having a 'loving relationship' does not necessarily translate to sexual compatibility.

    I agree. Losing it to the right woman is something to aim for. Sadly if you are too inflexible about waiting for marriage you will most likely struggle to find her.
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    I am a female and also decided i dont want to have sex till marriage! Depends on the type of girl, some wont mind and some will .
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    I'm a man, and having had premarital sex in my life multiple times, been married and now divorced (initiated by her), another instance of premarital sex, at 27 years of age I'm now at the point where I re-thought (based on Christianity) not to have any more sex before marriage. I'm still finishing my course at university and honestly I can say that a lot of these women TEND TO ASSUME I WANT PREMARITAL SEX WITH THEM.Why? Because its so rare for a man to want to wait until marriage is my guess. But I do now. Also I am definitely in the upper-echelon of oldest postgraduate students which makes dating a 20 year old near impossible with this in mind.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    "I decided a couple of years ago that I didn't want to have sex before marriage for a number of reasons,"
    Mind sharing these reasons with us?
    You said none are religious thus I see no reason to want this.

    Sure thing. These aren't in order of importance, just how they came to mind.


    1) Risk. To me, sex seems to be quite a risky business, not just STIs and the minor risk of false rape accusations, but also unwanted pregnancy. I don't agree with abortion, so getting a woman pregnant and having no control over what she does to my child is a very scary prospect. I'd much rather wait until the point where if we accidentally conceive, we are in a strong enough relationship to deal with it.


    2) Love. Call me old school, but I don't really see why I'd want to have sex with anyone that wasn't my life-partner. I'm a bit of a sop and to me, sex is something to be enjoyed in a loving relationship. I don't think sex is something I'd intrinsically enjoy (apart from on the animal level), and I'd much rather experience it in a loving relationship.


    3) Stability. I'm interested in a stable relationship that would hopefully lead to a marriage and family, and I worry that sex is a weak foundation to build a relationship upon. If you build a loving, non-sexual relationship, then in the case that the sex goes bad (erectile dysfunction, loss of interest after a certain age and so forth), it won't destroy the relationship.


    Those are my main three reasons. I'll update it if any more spring to mind.
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    (Original post by wtfCharlie)
    Having a loving relationship isn't always enough. You can love each other but not be sexually compatible, and that's not something I'd want to learn after marrying someone. 21F here and for me that'd be a definite definite dealbreaker, but there are (mostly religious) women out there that won't mind.
    I'm still not quite sure I understand why. Surely if you truly love someone, your sex is going to feel great? If they're not into sex as often as you are, it's no big deal because your relationship is built on stronger foundations.
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    I wouldn't mind
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    Since you're a guy then no, I'm sure there will be many women who will appreciate that you're not after sex
    If you're a female then good luck even finding someone to marry to even wait to have sex with till then
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    (Original post by Zainab96)
    I am a female and also decided i dont want to have sex till marriage! Depends on the type of girl, some wont mind and some will .
    Hey, thanks for the response. I'm happy to see that there are women who either wouldn't mind or would be enthusiastic! I just need to find one that's not on the internet now.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    Since you're a guy then no, I'm sure there will be many women who will appreciate that you're not after sex
    If you're a female then good luck even finding someone to marry to even wait to have sex with till then
    Haha, yeah, I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for women wanting to wait till marriage. I suppose that's one (albeit small) dating pool that I just became slightly more attractive to.
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    There's is such a thing called sexual compatibility.

    It is a measurement of how much two people fit each other's sexual wishes and desires and how and if they work in a sexual context. This means that this is one of the most important paradigms in a relationship, seeing how, if the relationship is successful, you'll likely be having sex with that person for the rest of your life. If for whatever reason two people aren't sexually compatible, the odds of them having a harmonious relationship are slim to none. This means that any two mature, logical, intelligent people will have sex before entering any kind of permanent union, since their sexual compatibility is one of the main measurements for the longevity of their relationship.

    So in short - if you want a happy, stable, harmonious marriage/union, have sex with your partner, see how compatible you are, see what works and what doesn't and talk it all out. Don't postpone something as important as sex until after you're already married. The odds of you staying married without having sex beforehand will be greatly diminished.
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    (Original post by Jonquillion)
    It's not about honour so much as it's about avoiding STIs, unwanted pregnancies (not a fan of abortion) and making sure I'm losing it to the right woman, as well as respecting the woman I lose it to.

    I'm not sure what you mean about sexual compatibility. Surely already having a loving relationship not built on sex would provide the best 'arena' to improve sexually?
    Ah blessed naivety. no it does not. Sexual compatibility is a lot more than just "loving relationship" - hate to break it to you lad but sometimes people just want to screw.

    Sexual compatability whether you like it or not is one of the corner stones of a happy healthy relationship when two people have "regular" sex drives
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    (Original post by Withengar)
    The odds of you staying married without having sex beforehand will be greatly diminished.
    Well, that's not statistically true. Plenty of studies (albeit in the USA) have shown people who wait have more fulfilling sex lives after marriage. I still contest this point that 'sexual compatibility' can only be found through sex.

    It'll be the best part of 3-4 years from when we start going out to when we get married. Surely there's plenty of time there to, I don't know, ask about her sexual preferences?

    Even if we don't match perfectly, would that be so big a deal? Maybe she has a fetish that I don't, but so what? She's my wife, I'd do it if she was really keen (and it was relatively hygenic). Maybe I have a fetish that she doesn't? I'd like to think she'd at least give it a try. After all, she agreed to marry me.

    Even if (very unlikely), sex is physically uncomfortable due to my enormous member (/s), why can't we work together to find solutions to that?

    You seem to have a 'If it doesn't work, dump it' attitude towards sexual compatibility, whereas I think it's perfectly possible to work around the few differences you do have.

    And surely it's preferable to you getting hitched, becoming impotent and her going for a divorce because you can't put out anymore?
 
 
 
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