20, south-Asian Muslim and so many personal issues- advice?

i feel i should say it all:

when my parents split when i was 10 my mum started fading out of my life, she became unloving, neglected her kids and just lost interest in her kids. this has made me such a hidden attention seeker. i dont do things openly to get attention, i do them hiddenly to get attention from specific people. for example, talking to loads of guys and getting attention of them, and i mean flirting with them all, (im a pretty girl so i get the attention). without this i just feel depressed like getting attention of boys is my heroin. that has made me do stupid things in the past like meeting them in person and fooling around with them; although i dont do it much anymore. but even after boys are giving me attention i still feel empty deep down.

cz of this dumb attention thing being muslim my dad has caught me so many times flirting with guys/boyfriends and im just sick of the same circle. i want to be a good muslim and be normal but ive just given up, since i got my phone took off me i have no motivation in my life and it just makes me sad i feel like i have nothing to live for. i feel sick with myself becasue of who i am and no matter how much i pray i cant change the person that psychologically is me. its like i live for attention and boys. like last week i got my phone took off me bc my dad saw me flirting with guys after getting my phone back after 4 years. i cant change who i am and im just fed up with myself. my dad doesnt trust me and because of this he doesnt give me my freedom (which is understandable) and that just makes me into a depressed person. ive lost the will to sort out my appearance and not even bothered to shower in days.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

also i forgot to add, me and my family moved abroad with my dad about a year ago to Qatar so it gets really lonely there. i made a friend here and my dad doesnt even let me go see her

Reply 2

sabahshahed294

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with you. It's quite natural that when a person doesn't receive the proper attention at home, he or she will indulge into things that even he/she doesn't want to but feel they need to so that they get mental peace in them. Initially, changing yourself and to build up motivation towards life is hard under such circumstances. You may try other ways to build up interest in other stuff too. Also, what you can do is...if you plan or your friend plans to meet you, meet up in such a place and talk to her in front of your dad about normal stuff. I know it may sound awkward to get your father involved in the hangout but then if your father sees you doing normal stuff with your friend and having a normal conversation with her, maybe he may develop his trust on you again. I'm a South Asian too so, yes it's hard in general to build up the trust that we want our parents to have in us as they get too over protective or tend to freak out at our company(especially if it's a new one!). As for your condition right now, don't give up praying. Prayers take time to answer but end of the day, it's all worth it and you'll see yourself as a new person. :smile:

Don't give up! You must have a strong will. It's the hardest thing but it is also the most important thing that anyone needs.

(edited 7 years ago)

Any advice for her?

Original post by sabahshahed294

that really is sound advice, thanks for understanding and not just judging me for it. tbh meeting up with my friend isnt going to slove anything, there are more issues at home. the reason my dad doesnt want me to see her is cz he thinks i will 'corrupt her with my slutty mentality'. we also arnt speaking he isnt talking to me or even looking at me. were basicaly just living in the same house thats it.

Reply 5

h333

I am sorry you feel this way :frown:

but you realising you need to change for the better is what matters the most here.

Don't get too upset about your dad not trusting you now as he wants the best for you and is probably scared you may go down the wrong path and hurt yourself in the long term. Just think that he is more experienced with life and knows better, if he did not care for you, he would have let you do anything regardless of it being bad or good. Plus it might become like an addiction (it probably already has) to want attention from random boys and that is going to mentally exhaust you. Hence, you will feel nothing but guilt after some short term happiness/fun. It is not just about you wanting attention from boys to feel better about yourself that may be bad but the fact you are letting yourself easy to get which could be very unsafe. Boys may take advantage of you and you may not even realise. Take care of yourself and respect yourself more because you deserve better. Don't punish yourself like this. Be strong. You only need attention from one guy in your life, your future husband, insha'Allah, not just a bunch of guys who probably don't even respect you.

If you truly want to get away from trouble then pray to Allah and repent sincerely to him. Read the Qu'ran/engage in dhikr if you feel down, it will only get better after that. Remind yourself that there is a hereafter and that you are being tested just like how everyone is in different forms.

Sit down with your dad and have a proper conversation with him and let him know you regret your actions and tell him how you feel. You may get closer to your dad and form a strong bond. Focus more towards the family you have and make new friends that will benefit you islamically and who want the best for you. Little things like helping your family out when needed or like asking your dad for permission to go to certain places or letting him know what you are upto can make a big difference. Your dad will hopefully realise you are serious and will trust you again. Find other things to spend your time wisely in instead of boys, charity work, helping the community etc.

I hope the best for you insha'Allah and take care of yourself. You can PM anytime if you want to talk about it more :smile:

Reply 6

sabahshahed294

Original post by Anonymous

I'm a female too so I totally get what you mean and what you go through. That's sad. I'm sorry about it. The issue may take time to cool down. When South Asian parents catch you doing such stuff(especially when you're a female caught doing such stuff), they take a long time to cool down and would probably poke you on this continuously as well. Best is to ignore it and let things proceed slowly. I know patience is hard to maintain but it really helps. Slowly, you'll see your dad cool down and you'll also notice a change in yourself. As you said, attention seeking became your habit and you got addicted to it so when you get addicted to something, letting go of it takes time(even if you want to let go ASAP). Remember, you must keep your will power strong enough to let go of it. You'll see that things will proceed more smoothly(even if there are minor hurdles).

Reply 7

sabahshahed294

Original post by h333

I am sorry you feel this way :frown:

This. ^^

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by h333

that is really helpfull what you said, honestly its brought tears to my eyes.i just want to change but feel like i cant. ive been through periods where ive stopped and been praying, making dua and doing good but then i just return to my old self and its making me feel like i can never change and its who i am

Reply 9

sabahshahed294

Original post by Anonymous

You need to be strong. Don't give up. :smile:

Insha Allah, things will be fine. Don't stop making Dua. :smile:

Reply 10

h333

Original post by Anonymous

Aww bless you xx just keep trying you will get there insha'Allah. Some things just take more time. Trust me you can and one day you will look back and think it was all a bad phase insha'Allah. I have seen a girl go through worse than you trust me and she has overcome her weakness and has also gained back her trust with her family because she was serious about the change.

Reply 11

HAnwar

Salam
First of all make sincere tawbah for your past and present actions. Remember that Allah (SWT) is all forgiving, and once you repent before Him, you've already made the first step into becoming a better Muslim.

Whether you crave money, attention etc. remember these things will only bring you temporarily satisfaction and ask yourself, are they worth it for the ahkirah?

When you get your phone back, or if you're on some other social media sites at the mean time, cut off all contact with guys. Don't even attempt to just chit chat with them because that's how/where it all starts. Try to avoid going on them in the first place as it's really easy to get caught into haram there.

You will have to have sabr with regards to your dad. Whilst your phone has been taken (which is not the end of the world) do not give him another reason to not trust you, but rather try and work on building your trust with him. Even if he isn't talking to you now, he can't stop talking to you forever.
Get on his good side, help out more around the house and listen attentively to whatever he says.

Don't give up, redirect your focus elsewhere. If you're at college/uni then focus on that instead and try and work towards doing well there.
There are people who have done much worse than you and they have changed their ways, so don't say you can't change.

May Allah make your situation easy for you :smile:

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