Should I be abstinent for the rest of my life, or have meaningless sex?

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    Anon. I am female and I was a virgin until my 20s because I was waiting for marriage and I was a Christian. However, I started to believe that no one would ever marry me because I am not beautiful, and I felt I had no value so I ended up giving it up to a 'friend', I still cringe and regret the experience.

    He made me feel like he was going me a favour by saying 'if you don't do it with me now, you will probably never get the chance to' so I obliged. He also critised my body and my performance but I foolishly fell in love with him and he continued to sleep with him even though I hated it and he continued to put me down and be abusive, eventually escalating to physical violence. The emotional pain was the worst though and I never want to feel like that before. I hate myself for clinging on for as long I did (around 2 months) and sometimes I literally feel physically sick when I think about sex although I do still have sexual urges and attraction.

    Years later I'm abstaining from sex still and I feel unlovable and worthless I always flash back to my time with him. I want to find something meaningful and having sex within that but men just don't like me at all. I've never been asked out before and I'm way into my 20s.

    Now I'm at uni and it seems everyone is having sex but me. Sex is everywhere generally too. When socialising these things come up too people asking about my sexual history but I have very little to contribute. I feel like a a child compared to these students who are many years younger than me.

    I want to wait to for someone who actually likes me and feels something for me to have sex again. However I'm scared I will never find someone who values me as it has never happened for me. I'm now getting older and if I could not get asked out in my youth then I'm pretty sure it's over for me.

    Therefore I feel I have two choices: Remain abstinent for the rest of my life (although I think loneliness may kill me before old age) or give into having meaningless sex, at least from time to time even if it's only once every couple of years, as I know even for a women like me getting sex is as easy as getting a pizza.

    What do you think?
    #2

    You've been in a bad relationship- it's affected your judgments, that's what happenes. You don't have to have meaningless sex, just look harder for people with stuff in common- surely you can do that through your religious beliefs.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon. I am female and I was a virgin until my 20s because I was waiting for marriage and I was a Christian. However, I started to believe that no one would ever marry me because I am not beautiful, and I felt I had no value so I ended up giving it up to a 'friend', I still cringe and regret the experience.

    He made me feel like he was going me a favour by saying 'if you don't do it with me now, you will probably never get the chance to' so I obliged. He also critised my body and my performance but I foolishly fell in love with him and he continued to sleep with him even though I hated it and he continued to put me down and be abusive, eventually escalating to physical violence. The emotional pain was the worst though and I never want to feel like that before. I hate myself for clinging on for as long I did (around 2 months) and sometimes I literally feel physically sick when I think about sex although I do still have sexual urges and attraction.

    Years later I'm abstaining from sex still and I feel unlovable and worthless I always flash back to my time with him. I want to find something meaningful and having sex within that but men just don't like me at all. I've never been asked out before and I'm way into my 20s.

    Now I'm at uni and it seems everyone is having sex but me. Sex is everywhere generally too. When socialising these things come up too people asking about my sexual history but I have very little to contribute. I feel like a a child compared to these students who are many years younger than me.

    I want to wait to for someone who actually likes me and feels something for me to have sex again. However I'm scared I will never find someone who values me as it has never happened for me. I'm now getting older and if I could not get asked out in my youth then I'm pretty sure it's over for me.

    Therefore I feel I have two choices: Remain abstinent for the rest of my life (although I think loneliness may kill me before old age) or give into having meaningless sex, at least from time to time even if it's only once every couple of years, as I know even for a women like me getting sex is as easy as getting a pizza.

    What do you think?
    I really don't see why it has to be one or the other. You can save the intimacy for a future lover, when you find the one. It will mean a lot more. I think a huge issue that you need to overcome is your low self-esteem. The simple fact that you don't think your beautiful, and think that you will never be loved sends off negative energy and probably stops some guys from even approaching you. You need to realise that you are beautiful in your own way, and that there is honestly someone out there for everyone. In fact, more than just someone. Many. The quicker you learn to love yourself, the quicker others will learn to love you.

    You don't need to give in to casual sex. You don't need to ignore your self-worth. You said you cringe at the thought of how you lost your virginity, which says enough. You're not that kind of girl that would comfortably have casual sex. Most likely you'd regret it.

    Focus on loving yourself, and let everything else fall into place.
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    I don't know why you're leaving it up to a forum of students to discuss what you choose to do with your life but seeing as you've posed the question I'll save everyone their time.

    What you want to do with your body is completely up to you. If you want to have some meaningless sex then go ahead, but if not then wait. Also, having some meaningless sex now doesn't make you any worse as a person, your sexual history is nothing to do with anyone else unless you decide to involve them.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon. I am female and I was a virgin until my 20s because I was waiting for marriage and I was a Christian. However, I started to believe that no one would ever marry me because I am not beautiful, and I felt I had no value so I ended up giving it up to a 'friend', I still cringe and regret the experience.

    He made me feel like he was going me a favour by saying 'if you don't do it with me now, you will probably never get the chance to' so I obliged. He also critised my body and my performance but I foolishly fell in love with him and he continued to sleep with him even though I hated it and he continued to put me down and be abusive, eventually escalating to physical violence. The emotional pain was the worst though and I never want to feel like that before. I hate myself for clinging on for as long I did (around 2 months) and sometimes I literally feel physically sick when I think about sex although I do still have sexual urges and attraction.

    Years later I'm abstaining from sex still and I feel unlovable and worthless I always flash back to my time with him. I want to find something meaningful and having sex within that but men just don't like me at all. I've never been asked out before and I'm way into my 20s.

    Now I'm at uni and it seems everyone is having sex but me. Sex is everywhere generally too. When socialising these things come up too people asking about my sexual history but I have very little to contribute. I feel like a a child compared to these students who are many years younger than me.

    I want to wait to for someone who actually likes me and feels something for me to have sex again. However I'm scared I will never find someone who values me as it has never happened for me. I'm now getting older and if I could not get asked out in my youth then I'm pretty sure it's over for me.

    Therefore I feel I have two choices: Remain abstinent for the rest of my life (although I think loneliness may kill me before old age) or give into having meaningless sex, at least from time to time even if it's only once every couple of years, as I know even for a women like me getting sex is as easy as getting a pizza.

    What do you think?
    first of all, sorry to hear all this! it sucks, but it's not a problem, 'cause it's never too late to fix thing.

    the question shouldn't be about you remaining abstinent or having meaningless sex, but about you improving yourself and finding joy in life without thinking that there's this thing that you have to tick off your accomplishment list

    you said that no one asked you out. well, people don't just ask other people out randomly (unless you're in a film or sth), so what you gotta do is show yourself off and be more bold, without expecting people to notice you.

    now to do this, i suggest that you get a makeover... get yourself a new hairstyle, buy some clothes that give you confidence, invest in some good quality makeup (not necessarily chanel and stuff like this, there are other better and cheaper products too) and make yourself pretty. if you don't know how, watch youtube tutorials. all this will give you a new lease of life, i promise

    now my favorite cliche of all times... be yourself. not your whiny/sad/hopeless self, but your best self! don't be desperate, take things easy and if it helps, pray.. but not for sex, 'cause that's plain stupid. you know how it goes..

    best of luck!
 
 
 
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