My life is like a bleak black hole

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    I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this post but I need an outlet for everything I'm feeling and maybe some kind person will give me some words to make me feel better but here goes
    - I was diagnosed with TB in July, I don't know where I picked it up from but now my lungs aren't in great shape and I'm on antibiotics till next February at least
    - speaking of antibiotics the ones I'm on make me feel sick and nauseous all the time especially in the morning. I've already vomitted several times before but my doctor just says to wait it out until I get put on a lower dose in a months time. I feel **** all the time have no appetite or energy and want to cry all the time
    - I went on holiday to Budapest this weekend with some people from my university. I told everyone before hand I was on antibiotics and wouldn't drink but they're medical students and asked me which antibiotic I was on. But I didn't want to say I had tb because I'm so embarrassed by it so I made up another name and they were like it's fine it's fine. Anyway I ended up getting so drunk and I've felt horrible since I got back. I'm now worried about the state of my liver because taking antibiotics and drinking alcohol affects it. My parents don't know I drink so I can't tell them
    - during this weekend holiday whilst I was incredibly drunk I kissed one of the guys I went on holiday with. I don't even know him that well and had never spoken to him before the holiday but he's in one of my societies next year. It was awkward the next day and I regret doing it. He acted as if it hadn't even happened and he hadn't touched me up all night, like j didn't matter
    - I'm currently sort of seeing this guy I met online which is why I feel even worse for kissing guy number 1. I know we're not exclusive and have only been on one date, but I still feel bad because he's so lovely and j don't even know if I want to pursue a relationship with him
    - one of my housemates failed the year and is moving out of the house we rented so unless she finds a replacement tennant I'll be paying £250 a week rent. My parents don't know this is happening
    - I've never gotten anywhere with guys or kissed any guy that's meant something to me sober. The only guys I've kissed have been where I'm drunk or tipsy and the next day these guys basically act like nothing happened and don't pursue me at all
    - my mum has tested positive for TB so now I feel completely awful as I probably gave it to her and now she has to go on a long course of antibiotics. If I didn't exist she wouldn't have to go through that
    - I'm stressed all the time and have been awful and shouty to my parents and now I'm crying even more because of that because they don't deserve that and j wish I was never born and they had a nicer daughter so maybe they wouldn't go through the stress and sadness of me being their daughter
    -I've liked this guy in my year at university for a year now but nothing has come of it. I'm not his friend and he's not interested in me. I've gotten with other guys whilst drunk in an attempt to get over him but it hasn't worked. I went on a date with this guy I met online but that didn't work either. Nothing works.
    - I have to miss a bunch of university tutorials and practicals because I have so many hospital appointments (because of TB and blood tests as well)
    - I'm sad all the freaking time. This isn't even me being dramatic and feeling a bit under the weather, but there are times where I literally sit on my bed for 2 hours and can't stop crying. Everything is bleak all the time and I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to die and how much easier it would be for everyone
    - I'm going back to university tomorrow and I don't want to. My friends are nice but I just want to be alone in my room all day and only see my parents. But being at home is making me sadder and crying more so it's a catch 22. None of my friends know I have TB and I'm not intending on telling them

    Everything is just awful and bleak right now. someone please tell me something to make me feel better or offer some advice, anything. I'd really appreciate it. I'm sorry for the long rant but I really have nowhere else to turn to but here
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    I'm proud of you for letting your feelings out like this. Good move on your part. Anyway, while I'm cooking up an equally big reply to you, I hope some other people have some advice to offer in the meantime, and that you'll contemplate those piece of advice rationally and logically, perhaps adjusting them depending on your current circumstances.

    Hold on - the world needs people like you.
    :angelwings:
    Okay, I finally finished my essay - find it down below and no, you ain't going to school in that condition.
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    Take a year off university. Illness and attendant depression, anxiety will ruin your grades. No need to worry about your record with guys, it's perfectly normal.
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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    Take a year off university. Illness and attendant depression, anxiety will ruin your grades. No need to worry about your record with guys, it's perfectly normal.
    That's what I'm worried about as well, but I still have another 5 years of my degree left and I don't want to drag it out any longer. I have an appointment with occupational health in two weeks so I'll see how that goes, part of me just wants to try this year and if I fail I fail but I just want to try it at least :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's what I'm worried about as well, but I still have another 5 years of my degree left and I don't want to drag it out any longer. I have an appointment with occupational health in two weeks so I'll see how that goes, part of me just wants to try this year and if I fail I fail but I just want to try it at least :/
    these mood changes can result from the TB medication. this may help if you are on isoniazid

    http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the...de-effects.htm

    notice that there are liver risks so drinking alcohol is not advisable. *
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by the bear)
    these mood changes can result from the TB medication. this may help if you are on isoniazid

    http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the...de-effects.htm

    notice that there are liver risks so drinking alcohol is not advisable. *
    That also explains it now I guess :/
    The article says this though: Mental changes and mood swings should be reported to a doctor immediately, as these isoniazid side effects almost always require treatment with a different antibiotic.
    i want to continue the treatment even if the medication is making me feel awful because I just want this gone, also my consultant would never start prescribe me another antibiotic if i told her I'm getting mood swings from isoniazid :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That also explains it now I guess :/
    The article says this though: Mental changes and mood swings should be reported to a doctor immediately, as these isoniazid side effects almost always require treatment with a different antibiotic.
    i want to continue the treatment even if the medication is making me feel awful because I just want this gone, also my consultant would never start prescribe me another antibiotic if i told her I'm getting mood swings from isoniazid :/
    well at least you know that it is not you... it is just the meds making you feel rotten. why would your consultant not wish to help you ?*
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by the bear)
    well at least you know that it is not you... it is just the meds making you feel rotten. why would your consultant not wish to help you ?*
    It's not that she doesn't want to help me :/ she's just very much a no nonsense kind of woman and believes these antibiotics are the way forward. She'd only stop this treatment if i started getting Jaundice or something (which now I'm worried about because I consumed a lot of alcohol last weekend which I know I shouldn't have )
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's not that she doesn't want to help me :/ she's just very much a no nonsense kind of woman and believes these antibiotics are the way forward. She'd only stop this treatment if i started getting Jaundice or something (which now I'm worried about because I consumed a lot of alcohol last weekend which I know I shouldn't have )
    you should at least ask her; do not assume you can read her mind. *
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's what I'm worried about as well, but I still have another 5 years of my degree left and I don't want to drag it out any longer. I have an appointment with occupational health in two weeks so I'll see how that goes, part of me just wants to try this year and if I fail I fail but I just want to try it at least :/
    Then proactively inform the department of your mitigating circumstances. A paper trail of doctor's appointments along with referrals the various mental health, health services offered by your university will maximise the effect.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's what I'm worried about as well, but I still have another 5 years of my degree left and I don't want to drag it out any longer. I have an appointment with occupational health in two weeks so I'll see how that goes, part of me just wants to try this year and if I fail I fail but I just want to try it at least :/
    Are you studying medicine too? Maybe you picked up the infection from your friends or patients?
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    Aww
    Hugs :hugs:

    Your tb should get better but it sounds like you're on a tough, demanding course. I agree with scotgrot that you should take the year off to recover from your tb. You'll do better gradeswise once you feel better too
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Little Popcorns)
    Are you studying medicine too? Maybe you picked up the infection from your friends or patients?
    Yes I do initially I was worried I wouldn't be allowed to study the course anymore if I had it but it should be fine. I don't know which of my friends could have given it to me there's one I suspect cos she was coughing a lot all year but I'm not sure and I can't go up to her and be like do you have TB. It's bad because I live with this girl this year as well
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    I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, you get a biggg hug from me .

    I would agree with one of the earlier posters, take a year off university, you cannot pass with all of this stress.

    No need to worry about guys, it will happen in time, just focus on yourself, improving yourself and your own life. Try to do things that make you happy and be with positive people. Be strong within and have fun.

    If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this post but I need an outlet for everything I'm feeling and maybe some kind person will give me some words to make me feel better but here goes
    ...
    Everything is just awful and bleak right now. someone please tell me something to make me feel better or offer some advice, anything. I'd really appreciate it. I'm sorry for the long rant but I really have nowhere else to turn to but here
    Hello there, sorry for the wait. The position that you are in looks--no it is very serious. From relationships to education to health to isolation, I have identified various issues that must be solved if you are to dismantle this sadness away. I figure that the core problems you are experiencing are: Honesty, Isolation and Depression, Illness, and Education. Do not fear these - you must, against all odds, wage war with them and people are here to help you because in times of war, we must help one another. I'm not a doctor by the way so don't take my advice as professional advice but I did give up 2 hours of my time so at least give it a read, k?

    Make sure to read the parts in bold and summary, if nothing else!

    Illnesses
    Tuberculosis (TB)
    If you have TB disease of the lungs or throat, you are probably infectious. You need to stay home from work or school so that you don’t spread TB bacteria to other people (that means no lectures for you). TB can be treated with special antibiotics. Once treatment starts, you will begin to feel better after about two to four weeks. But the treatment has to continue for at least six months. It is vitally important to complete the whole course of antibiotics to cure the TB. If you don’t, the TB may return in a form that is resistant to the usual drugs and much more difficult to treat. And you may pass on this more serious form of the infection to your family and friends. If TB is not treated properly, it may lead to death

    Your doctor or nurse will tell you when you can return to work or school or visit with friends.

    Having TB disease should not stop you from leading a normal life. When you are no longer infectious or feeling sick, you can do the same things you did before you had TB disease. The medicines that you are taking should not affect your strength, sexual function, or ability to work. If you take your medicines as directed by your doctor or nurse, they should kill all the TB bacteria. This will keep you from becoming sick again.

    If you are taking medicines for TB disease, you should take it as directed by your doctor or nurse. The medicines may cause side effects. Some side effects are minor problems. Others are more serious. If you have a serious side effect, call your doctor or nurse immediately. You may be told to stop taking your medicine or to return to the clinic for tests.

    Given that you already have vomited several times and have a lost sense of appetite, you should have already immediately informed your doctor about these side effects.

    The side effects listed below are serious. If you have any of these symptoms, call your doctor or nurse immediately:
    • No appetite
    • Nausea
    • Vomiting
    • Yellowish skin or eyes
    • Fever for 3 or more days
    • Abdominal pain
    • Tingling in the fingers or toes
    • Pain in the lower chest or heart burn
    • Feeling itchy
    • Skin rash
    • Easy bruising
    • Bleeding from gums
    • Nose bleeding
    • Urine becomes dark or brown in color
    • Aching joints
    • Dizziness
    • Tingling or numbness around the mouth
    • Blurred or changed vision
    • Ringing in the ears
    • Hearing loss

    The side effects listed below are minor problems. If you have any of these side effects, you can continue taking your medicine.
    • Rifampin can turn urine, saliva, or tears orange. The doctor or nurse may advise you not to wear soft contact lenses because they may get stained.
    • Rifampin can make you more sensitive to the sun. This means you should use a good sunscreen and cover exposed areas so you don’t burn.
    • Rifampin makes birth control pills and implants less effective. Women who take rifampin should use another form of birth control.
    • If you are taking rifampin as well as methadone (used to treat drug addiction), you may have withdrawal symptoms. Your doctor or nurse may need to adjust your methadone dosage.

    If a child in school were found to have TB then screening will be organised to make sure no one else is infected and to identify the source of infection. The source is usually a close family member or someone from the same household. If an adult member of staff were found to have infectious TB then the children would be screened following local public health advice. Therefore it may be wise for you to tell one of the health nurses or professionals at your place about it, and also to keep your condition confidential!

    What you should be doing is taking your medicine everyday as required, sleep properly, have enough light exercise, eat healthily only.

    Isolation and Depression
    We all go through spells of feeling down, but when you're depressed you feel persistently sad for weeks or months, rather than just a few days. (At the rate you're going, it's hard to deny that you are depressed to some extent.) Some people still think that depression is trivial and not a genuine health condition. They're wrong. Depression is a real illness with real symptoms, and it's not a sign of weakness or something you can "snap out of" by "pulling yourself together". The good news is that with the right treatment and support, most people can make a full recovery.

    Treatments for you in your situation:
    • Light exercise 150 mins per day (Light exercises include things like walking and stretching or doing light chores)
    • Consider taking antidepressants prescribed by your doctor - I don't think it would be very hard to convince them that you're not depressed. This could help you.
    • Make sure to go on a healthy diet. If you really want to get better, consider quitting all sugar, (by that I mean sugary snacks and stuff, not things like fruits) bread and Junk food. Eat healthy foods only. Trust me on this one
    • Sleep 8-9 hours, not 7-8 hours. Trust me on this too.
    I know that you are facing isolation, whether that's as a combiniation of factors for example your relationships or not being able to see anyone or your parents not knowing what's going on in your life.

    Social isolation may be indicated when a person’s avoidance of social interaction:
    • Persists for an extended period of time
    • Is a result of depression, shame, or low self-worth • Is associated with abandonment fears or social anxiety
    • Proves detrimental to important social or professional relationships

    What Is Emotional Isolation?
    Emotional isolation can occur as a result of social isolation, or when a person lacks any close confidant or intimate partner. Even though relationships are necessary for our well-being, they can trigger negative feelings and thoughts, and emotional isolation can act as a defense mechanism to protect a person from emotional distress. When people are emotionally isolated, they keep their feelings completely to themselves, are unable to receive emotional support from others, feel “shut down” or numb, and are reluctant or unwilling to communicate with others, except perhaps for the most superficial matters.

    Emotional isolation can occur within an intimate relationship, particularly as a result of infidelity, abuse, or other trust issues. One or both partners may feel alone within the relationship, rather than supported and fulfilled. Identifying the source of the distress and working with a therapist to improve communication and rebuild trust can help couples re-establish their emotional bond. Develop empathy for yourself.

    In addition, loneliness raises levels of the circulating stress hormone cortisol and blood pressure, with one study showing that social isolation can push blood pressure up into the danger zone for heart attacks and strokes. It undermines regulation of the circulatory system so that the heart muscle works harder and the blood vessels are subject to damage by blood flow turbulence. Loneliness can destroy the quality of sleep, so that a person's sleep is less restorative, both physically and psychologically. Socially isolated people wake up more at night and spend less time in bed actually sleeping, according to Cole and Cacioppo's research.

    The cycle created by loneliness can be a downward spiral. Studies by Cacioppo and others before him have found that lonely people tend to rate their own social interactions more negatively and form worse impressions of people they meet.

    "Much like the threat of physical pain, loneliness protects your social body. It lets you know when social connections start to fray, and causesthe brain to go on alert for social threats," Cacioppo told LiveScience. "Being lonely can produce hyper-reactivity to negative behaviors in other people, so lonely people see those maltreatments as heavier. That makes it possible to fall more deeply into loneliness."

    Reach out to your friends or family members even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. Research shows that spending time talking with family or friends improves your mood and has a positive effect on health.

    NOW THIS LAST PROBLEM IS GOING TO BE YOUR DOWNFALL IF YOU DON'T CONTROL YOURSELF. MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS SELF-CONTROL.

    Drinking and Alcohol

    I don't know if you've ever read "No Longer Human" but the MC develops a huge drinking problem that, undoubtedly causes him huge grief, although he seems reluctant to admit that. It affects every aspect of his life.

    Your alcohol problem is causing you much grief and you don't even know about it. The greatest trick of the devil is to convince you that he doesn't exist. You have no idea how ANGRY I am because those "medical" students said "it's fine, it's fine" for you to drink when you told them you had a health problem, regardless of if you did not tell them you had TB. Not only that, but I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but it is so irresponsible of you to have gotten drunk when you knew you had TB and then to be kissing people, potentially passing it on. This "drunk act" has caused you to feel bad about other people that you like such as the online guy or the guy you like who seems not to have an interest in you.

    Face it. Drinking is ruining your life - big time. It's an easy escape-route, for a lot of people to simply abandon reality because of a weak-mind, and I mean no offense seriously

    But if you're struggling to quit, don't despair.
    Read this to help you stop - http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/P...ttingdown.aspx

    Now especially since you've acquired an illness, you must not drink for your and a lot of other people's good.

    Right now, it seems unfeasible for you to pursue any real relationship and I would personally hold off that online guy for now. The people that kissed you when you were drunk who are acting as if nothing had happened disgust me - they aren't taking any responsibility either - that's because ignorance is bliss and most people want to pin the blame on someone else - so I would forget the whole situation with them.

    This does NOT mean you stop socialising because you should not be isolated. If I remember correctly, you think you passed TB onto your mom. Then why not stay with her and explain the situation - you can both stay together and support each other - your mother won't be angry and even if she does it won't last long; at least you two will have bonded further. It seems really sad when you mentioned twice that your parents don't know about the things you've been doing. I would recommend NOT telling them about your drinking problem but you must stop it yourself through the advice on the link and will-power if you are to overcome this ordeal.

    If you don't get a hold of yourself, this insecurity and embarrassment that you face will certainly come and bite your artery in your neck and thus you will never find your true self, will always be in denial and miss out on the best things life has to offer. This is sure to make your relationships doomed to fail.

    Trust me in this one thing:

    "You can't reset life. But you can reset relationships"

    With that said, another VERY IMPORTANT THING to mention is that you're crying all the time. Taking a break from school, following the treatment from the depression section, solving your drinking problem (now you can't drink anyway cause you're ill), and staying with your mom if you can to socialise will stop you feeling so helpless and ashamed and if you share your feelings you won't be as stressed and shout at them anymore.

    Crying contributes more to depression and illness - proven scientifically - and DON'T EVER SAY YOU "WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN AND THEY HAD A NICER DAUGHTER". That kind of thinking proves you need to say something - often people don't understand things without telling them it to their face. And honestly, I completely disagree with that statement because everyone has problems, everyone becomes ill, a lot of people have gone through similar things to you, so there's no use saying something like that. Your mother definitely doesn't think that way about you.

    "If I didn't exist she wouldn't have to go through that" - that’s life. It’s not appropriate to blame yourself or anyone else in this case. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that illnesses are always occurring and they’re one of the biggest things in the history of mankind. I have a big illness that hardly anyone has and I can't really talk to anyone about it unless it's a senior doctor or someone who really cares but you shouldn't be too embarrassed about talking about your condition.

    Lastly about your tennant problem I don't know the whole situation but you and that other person went in with it together. You need to talk to someone about this because I don't think in your condition you can work to pay that off, nor can you just ignore it. I don't know much about this, all I know is that you need to ask for help.

    Summary
    My advice is:
    • Take meds as required. Ask for antidepressants. Light exercise daily. Water. 8-9 hours Sleep. Healthy foods only. Vitamins possibly. Sleep with light clothes so you don't sweat to death. Regularly make sure air in your room is exchanged. Don't go to uni until you feel better and find a way to stay updated about what's going on in lectures - don't fall too much behind; your teachers will usually be sympathetic if you explain the situation. Inform a school nurse or someone about your illness just in case.
    • Talk about this with your mother or parents and/or close friends
    • Stop your drinking. It's never going to help you in life. Absolutely no benefit.
    • Solve your tenant problems by asking for help from your parents and your friends and advisors
    • Try not to cry as much and smile more
    Don't say you have nowhere left to turn to. You always have your parents to turn to and maybe these below can help:

    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...FQ06Gwod-sMGIA

    http://www.depressionalliance.org/?g...FRCNGwod_6kLrA
    http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression.php

    Let me end with saying that people love you, don't worry if you make mistakes. Here are three quotes for some comfort:

    "Your mind is a powerful thing. When you fill it with positive thoughts, your life will start to change."
    "Mistakes are proof that you are trying."
    "What you do today can improve all your tomorrows."

    :angelwings:
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thank you so so so much for your lovely and kind words. I know I need to stop drinking. I hadn't drunk anything since July then this weekend things just happened and I wish I hadn't. There's just one thing I want to add though, I'm not having a go but I want to clarify because maybe it'll help reduce some stigma around TB. Someone with TB is no longer contagious once they've taken their antibiotics for 2 weeks and TB can't be spread via kissing. It is spread through sneezing and coughing mainly
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so so so much for your lovely and kind words. I know I need to stop drinking. I hadn't drunk anything since July then this weekend things just happened and I wish I hadn't. There's just one thing I want to add though, I'm not having a go but I want to clarify because maybe it'll help reduce some stigma around TB. Someone with TB is no longer contagious once they've taken their antibiotics for 2 weeks and TB can't be spread via kissing. It is spread through sneezing and coughing mainly
    Oh it's my pleasure

    I'm glad to hear that it can't be spread after 2 weeks of Antibiotics and via kissing - cool stuff!

    Trust me, I've been in that kind of situation where "things just happened" too many times so I kind of know what madness might be going on haha.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Kiritsugu)
    Oh it's my pleasure

    I'm glad to hear that it can't be spread after 2 weeks of Antibiotics and via kissing - cool stuff!

    Trust me, I've been in that kind of situation where "things just happened" too many times so I kind of know what madness might be going on haha.
    i just end up drinking a bit because I think i csnt get that drunk the next end up drinking loads not or it all hits me at once, it's so bad and the guy ive liked for a year, well I made a fool of myself in front of him whilst drunk back in June
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes I do initially I was worried I wouldn't be allowed to study the course anymore if I had it but it should be fine. I don't know which of my friends could have given it to me there's one I suspect cos she was coughing a lot all year but I'm not sure and I can't go up to her and be like do you have TB. It's bad because I live with this girl this year as well
    This is a really difficult situation for you I can see that but you also have to be aware that if you're not careful you may put your patients at risk... are you at the point where you aren't infectious anymore?

    I guess it doesn't really matter where you caught it from now really does it... :/
 
 
 
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