Please help - feeling terrible

Hi, I'm not quite sure where to start because my head is full of ****, but I will try to keep this as concise as possible.

Basically, I feel absolutely terrible. About 4 months ago my boyfriend of nearly 2 years ended our relationship. The relationship had not been going right for a long time, and he was treating me like a complete jerk, where I eventually dumped him, only for him to come back and apologise for being such a b****** towards me (I stuck by him because I had reason to believe he was depressed) - I saw a glimpse of the man that I had first met, which I hadn't seen in a long time and I actually fet loved again. After a month I took him back but we split up soon after when it materialised how little I trusted him now - he was prepared to work very hard to make us work and knew my trust was low, but basically didn't realise how little I trusted him and said he needs some trust to build on and that he just can't make us work right now and can't deal with being under constant suspicion (I won't go into details but I made a huge accusation that could potentially have really hurt him). It feels like he has given up on me just like that, when I stuck by him for months when I thought he was suffering with depression. He said that he hadn't given up on us and that he didn't want to move on, but can't say for sure whether he will ever want to give it a go again and thus says it isn't fair to keep me under lock and key when he doesn't know the outcome (hence his reason for letting me go). The thing that hurts the most is that he feels that if after working so hard to make us work (I haven't seen evidence of this) I ultimately don't believe a word he has ever said, than it has been a complete waste of time, and he isn't going to put himself through more. The thing is, I know things he doesn't know that I know...and to be honest, he has a nerve saying he can't stand being under constant suspicion...I'd accept that if he'd never lied or done anything wrong.

Anyway, over the last few months I've been in denial but just recently am slowly accepting that I don't think we will ever work out, he has hurt me too many times, and although he says he will always love me, I haven't felt loved by him for a long long time (other than in the short time we were back together). He hasn't been there for me...he is just so wrapped up in his own life and how much he doesn't like it. He has let me go so easily, I don't understand how he can let me go just like that after telling me how he couldn't bare to lose me a few weeks previous. I also got on really well with his mum (she was more of a mum to me than my biological mum) and I miss her so much.

The problem is this - I still love him and miss him (I think I miss the man I fell in love with, not who he is now). He wants to stay friends but we are more like aquaintances at the moment. I don't contact him but he still contacts me on MSN everyday (we have never really spoken on the phone much, even through our relationship). He really doesn't seem to be taking this too badly (I know he would tell me if he was) and it just seems so unfair that I'm taking this so hard and he isn't. It just confirms to me that he don't love me like he says he does. I know that his daily contact with me is doing me no good - it's just added pain hearing what he is up to without me and how little he seems to need me now....but I'm in an awkward spot - he is returning to University after a year out in October and we will be in every lecture together, so it's not like I can avoid him. I should hate him for what he has done (I haven't gone into details) but I just don't :frown:

I'm just worried I'm going to feel like this forever...it's been 4 months and I feel worse not better. I don't understand why I want to keep in contact with him when I don't like who he is anymore really.

To make things worse I made a mistake in deciding to work up in my University town over summer as opposed to going home. The reasons for this are complicated, but I have nobody to keep me company now I've done this. I'm stuck in a full time job that I dread because of fear/a supervisor that puts me on edge, and I come home to an empty room. My friends have all gone home for the summer, and I guess it just perpetuates the sadness I feel now that my ex boyfriend no longer wants me in his life. I wish we could work but I know we can't, so why can't I move on? I wish I didn't miss him, I wish I could cut him out, I'm seriously on the edge. The pain is just so intense, I just wish he felt the same, that would be some comfort to me at least. I thought I'd be fine living on my own once I had found a job but I'm not at all.

I hate waking up in the morning only to remember everything, and be taunted by all the things he has done/the fact that it's over (I'm gradually starting to accept that, but it's taking time), and then realise I've got to endure another shift at work. I'm tired of wondering what he is doing, whether he misses me, and basically just feeling so so low in other areas of my life. I wish I would die, although I have no desire to act on it. I just don't see this getting any better, I don't know how I'm going to cope with him being around everyday from September, I just feel like I'm losing it. I hate my life and can see no light at the end of the tunnel. All my efforts to remain positive and try enjoy my job are failing. I just want to go home, all I do is cry (it's a struggle sometimes not to at work) but can't quit my job after only 2 weeks after fighting so hard to get it :frown:

This post is really long, I'm sorry. I just needed to vent, this is a snippit of what I'm thinking/feeling believe it or not. The bottom line is he don't want to be with me anymore, he can't love me enough/at all if he can just walk away just like that, and after everything I have given to him and the relationship, I just don't know how to let go and feel a fool for not kicking him to the kerb for good before. I know I have to move on, but I really don't know how. My attempts to keep busy are not working. Please help :frown: