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    I'm in a semi LDR with my boyfriend who is just over three and a half hours away on the train.

    I'm in the year below, and he's just started university.

    I think he'll be coming back in his reading week during October, but since it's his birthday in November, I was hoping to go up that weekend and celebrate with him also.

    The problem is my mother. She is point blank refusing to accept that I want to go. She says she's not stopping me, but I don't have her blessing. Meaning that I'd need to find my own way to the station (keeping in mind I can't drive yet since I've only been 17 for a couple of months now). She doesn't want me to be getting trains late at night, which I said I didn't have to. I have frees after my third lesson on Fridays, meaning I could catch at train a 2, and be there at just after 5. My boyfriend says he would meet me at the station. And then, coming back on Sundays, I suggested I could get a 12 o'clock train, meaning that getting there and back would be in the daylight. Despite this, she still won't listen.

    The train journey there involves 1 change, I haven't taken many train journeys, so I can understand why she's concerned, but she's so over the top. She described herself as 'livid' and 'not condoning it'. And then one thing in particular that really annoyed me was 'you've got all these universities and the thing at the top of your head is a bloke'.

    I've been working on UCAS application everyday since I've been back at the sixth form, and I'll probably be sending it off next week, I've told my mum this, but she just doesn't seem to care.

    I don't mean to come off as whiney, but only being able to see him in holidays is going to be so hard, when telling my mum this, she just mocked me.

    I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

    Thanks.
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    Moved to friends, family and work
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    (Original post by Tiger Rag)
    Moved to friends, family and work
    Thank you!
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    Has your mother explained why she's livid about this? it's not as if you've decided to swan off to another country for a week.
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    (Original post by Tiger Rag)
    Has your mother explained why she's livid about this? it's not as if you've decided to swan off to another country for a week.
    Not particularly. For the things she's said she's concerned about, I've tried giving a solution i.e late train times. But she just keeps saying that I don't have enough experience to do it yet. But if she doesn't support me doing these things, then how am I going to ever get any experience you know?
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    tbh it sounds like she is just not liking the fact you're growing up and the obvious implications of staying over at his house

    getting trains is really not difficult, there's plenty of people to ask for help if you need it... getting trains at night isn't dangerous, I've done it plenty of times (including alone) so there's no need to be worried about you doing that

    likewise there's no need to worry about your priorities, sounds like you're on top of your own university plans, you're not skipping lessons at 6th form and you're not suggesting you spend every weekend together or change any of your own plans - you literally want to spend two days with him on his birthday

    I would try and sit her down and have a calm discussion, explain that you are happy to get a daytime train if it helps, that you understand you will need to find the right platform and you'll check with someone else when you get on that it's the right train and you have a plan to ask someone working at the station if you get mixed up... explain that your priority is university and you'd never miss your studies to see him but it's reasonable to take a trip for his birthday and then ask her what exactly she is worried about... repeat that you've found a solution to the problems she's mentioned, stay calm and see if you can talk her round

    you may have to accept that you're either not going or you're going with it being against her wishes (she can't exactly stop you)
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    I understand about the train changes. I think your mother is probably wondering if you'll remember where to get off and what train to catch. If I were you, I would just go. Souly focussing on Uni applications is too stressful, so I find it easier to mix it with something I like doing, or seeing. Anything I enjoy that will ease the stress, basically. If your mother still doesn't want you to go, maybe he could come down to see you? It's just an idea.
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    (Original post by ellavanderbilt)
    I'm in a semi LDR with my boyfriend who is just over three and a half hours away on the train.

    I'm in the year below, and he's just started university.

    I think he'll be coming back in his reading week during October, but since it's his birthday in November, I was hoping to go up that weekend and celebrate with him also.

    The problem is my mother. She is point blank refusing to accept that I want to go. She says she's not stopping me, but I don't have her blessing. Meaning that I'd need to find my own way to the station (keeping in mind I can't drive yet since I've only been 17 for a couple of months now). She doesn't want me to be getting trains late at night, which I said I didn't have to. I have frees after my third lesson on Fridays, meaning I could catch at train a 2, and be there at just after 5. My boyfriend says he would meet me at the station. And then, coming back on Sundays, I suggested I could get a 12 o'clock train, meaning that getting there and back would be in the daylight. Despite this, she still won't listen.

    The train journey there involves 1 change, I haven't taken many train journeys, so I can understand why she's concerned, but she's so over the top. She described herself as 'livid' and 'not condoning it'. And then one thing in particular that really annoyed me was 'you've got all these universities and the thing at the top of your head is a bloke'.

    I've been working on UCAS application everyday since I've been back at the sixth form, and I'll probably be sending it off next week, I've told my mum this, but she just doesn't seem to care.

    I don't mean to come off as whiney, but only being able to see him in holidays is going to be so hard, when telling my mum this, she just mocked me.

    I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

    Thanks.
    Her point of view is that you're only just 17 and she doesn't like you being in a sexual relationship.

    Second, she probably thinks LDRs are complete nonsense and that you're wasting your time and effort in one with a guy who has gone off to university.
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    (Original post by Mvine001)
    I understand about the train changes. I think your mother is probably wondering if you'll remember where to get off and what train to catch. If I were you, I would just go. Souly focussing on Uni applications is too stressful, so I find it easier to mix it with something I like doing, or seeing. Anything I enjoy that will ease the stress, basically. If your mother still doesn't want you to go, maybe he could come down to see you? It's just an idea.
    Yeah, the changes is what she's the most worried about I think.

    He said he can come down whenever I wanted him to, we both saved a fund for train journeys, but just I don't want him to be the one always making the effort, you know? But yes, focussing on something other than UCAS would be really great for a few days, I might just go.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    tbh it sounds like she is just not liking the fact you're growing up and the obvious implications of staying over at his house

    getting trains is really not difficult, there's plenty of people to ask for help if you need it... getting trains at night isn't dangerous, I've done it plenty of times (including alone) so there's no need to be worried about you doing that

    likewise there's no need to worry about your priorities, sounds like you're on top of your own university plans, you're not skipping lessons at 6th form and you're not suggesting you spend every weekend together or change any of your own plans - you literally want to spend two days with him on his birthday

    I would try and sit her down and have a calm discussion, explain that you are happy to get a daytime train if it helps, that you understand you will need to find the right platform and you'll check with someone else when you get on that it's the right train and you have a plan to ask someone working at the station if you get mixed up... explain that your priority is university and you'd never miss your studies to see him but it's reasonable to take a trip for his birthday and then ask her what exactly she is worried about... repeat that you've found a solution to the problems she's mentioned, stay calm and see if you can talk her round

    you may have to accept that you're either not going or you're going with it being against her wishes (she can't exactly stop you)
    You're right. I just thought she'd be a bit more lenient since she seems to like him.

    I've tried sitting down and talking to her about it, but it always ends up with her getting angry and shouting because I'm going 'on and on' at her to let me see him, when in fact since he left a week ago, I only just brought it up yesterday. I'm really trying to find ways to not make her worried, but there's absolutely nothing that's helped so far.

    But thank you for your reply, it was super helpful.
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    (Original post by Trinculo)
    Her point of view is that you're only just 17 and she doesn't like you being in a sexual relationship.

    Second, she probably thinks LDRs are complete nonsense and that you're wasting your time and effort in one with a guy who has gone off to university.
    I know most LDRs don't work out at university, but right now we're both really happy with the relationship and want to make it work.

    I'm nearly an adult...
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    (Original post by ellavanderbilt)
    Yeah, the changes is what she's the most worried about I think.

    He said he can come down whenever I wanted him to, we both saved a fund for train journeys, but just I don't want him to be the one always making the effort, you know? But yes, focussing on something other than UCAS would be really great for a few days, I might just go.
    How confiednt are you about the changes?
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    (Original post by Mvine001)
    How confiednt are you about the changes?
    Well the last time I got a train was with my boyfriend to Birmingham, so I've never caught one on my own.

    I'm sure I'd be okay as I'm quite good with buses. It's not as if there's no one at the station that I can't ask.
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    (Original post by ellavanderbilt)
    Well the last time I got a train was with my boyfriend to Birmingham, so I've never caught one on my own.

    I'm sure I'd be okay as I'm quite good with buses. It's not as if there's no one at the station that I can't ask.
    Off you go to see your BF.
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    (Original post by Mvine001)
    Off you go to see your BF.

    You think so? Maybe going and showing her that I can do it is the way.

    I really do want to visit him, but I don't want to do something to ruin my relationship with my mum, we barely get along as it is.
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    (Original post by ellavanderbilt)
    You think so? Maybe going and showing her that I can do it is the way.

    I really do want to visit him, but I don't want to do something to ruin my relationship with my mum, we barely get along as it is.
    If you show her you can do it, she'll have no reason to doubt you.
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    Are you on the pill ? I guess your mother is worried you'll get pregnant and all your plans will go astray. She's probably worried you're putting all your hopes on this one guy at such a young age and fears you'll be disappointed when he finds someone else at Uni. ( Many do.)

    In short she has a lot more life experience than you and can see lots of possible problems which she wants to protect you against. Was ever thus with mothers.
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    (Original post by Mvine001)
    If you show her you can do it, she'll have no reason to doubt you.
    I guess you're right. Thank you for your input.
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    (Original post by pickup)
    Are you on the pill ? I guess your mother is worried you'll get pregnant and all your plans will go astray. She's probably worried you're putting all your hopes on this one guy at such a young age and fears you'll be disappointed when he finds someone else at Uni. ( Many do.)

    In short she has a lot more life experience than you and can see lots of possible problems which she wants to protect you against. Was ever thus with mothers.
    I'm not no. But my boyfriend and I haven't gotten that far yet, we've had conversations about to stay safe for when the time comes, so we'll be okay with that. Personally I'm not ready to take that step right now, and he knows this and is really understanding and doesn't want me to feel rushed into anything.

    I think you're right that's what she's worried about, but I've told her the exact same thing. I'm not ready to take that step yet, but she just stopped the conversation.
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    (Original post by ellavanderbilt)
    I'm not no. But my boyfriend and I haven't gotten that far yet, we've had conversations about to stay safe for when the time comes, so we'll be okay with that. Personally I'm not ready to take that step right now, and he knows this and is really understanding and doesn't want me to feel rushed into anything.

    I think you're right that's what she's worried about, but I've told her the exact same thing. I'm not ready to take that step yet, but she just stopped the conversation.
    OK so now is the time to think hard.

    Most unwanted pregnancies happen ( by definition) when neither of you is planning to have sex. Think. It is most likely to happen when you meet up after a separation, the hormones are flowing, you are both delighted to see each other.

    The grown up thing is to avoid this possibility by taking preventative action. Are you serious about this chap? Because one of the best ways of ruining a relationship is to throw a spanner in the works by becoming pregnant. It will force decisions on you both that neither of you is ready to take. Will you get married - is he / are you too young? Will you have to bring up the baby on your own - too young, too poor? Will he have to leave Uni without any qualifications? Will your plans for Uni have to be postponed? - and it may damage the relationship with your parents who thought they had done with that sort of responsibility years ago. Will you have an abortion? Will you resent him for the rest of your life? Will he resent you for the rest of his life? ( but be tied together by a child for ever. )

    Perhaps a quick visit to your GP, a family planning clinic etc. is a better option than any of these ? In relationships as much as in anything else the motto is - fail to plan, plan to fail.
 
 
 
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