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Managing money in long term relationship Watch

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    Hi,

    Basically I have been in my relationship for 6 years. We recently moved abroad for his career. This is great for him, putting him on the equivalent of £40k a year while it leaves me with no skills to get a job as I don't speak the language. I chose to move with him and I've managed to find a little work but it's really not much... I'll probably be making £600 a month. I'm obviously looking for any way possible to increase that but right now I'm close to deciding to give up and move back to the UK.

    I tried to talk about money today as we've come to the end of various deposits/overpayment returns etc that we were using the pay the initial start up costs. I tried to say that I am earning the sort of amount which allows me to pay my half of the bills and buy basic food and then leaves me with nothing at all so perhaps it makes sense for now for him to start paying at least more of the rent so I have a tiny bit of disposable income e.g. for buying anything I need and saving for christmas presents/flight home at christmas or a bad month at work (0 hours contract).

    My suggestion was that he pay that for now and if my situation improves or I start to have a significant amount saved then we reevaluate and perhaps I pay him some back. He countered saying he's happy to pay the rent if I can't afford to one month but I should pay half until there's literally nothing in my bank account to pay the rent with. To me that's really not feasible, a livable wage isn't one that leaves you with 0 disposable income, expenses do come up and I feel like I shouldn't have to justify buying something if I can't pay my share of the rent. It will inevitably lead to an argument and it will leave me constantly feeling vulnerable and unable to make any choices myself.

    However I tried to say that to him and he just thinks I'm being paranoid and not trusting him that he will make sure we're both okay financially. I'm about ready to just give up on the relationship and move back home as I honestly feel like it would be less of a strain than the financial relationship he's proposing...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    Basically I have been in my relationship for 6 years. We recently moved abroad for his career. This is great for him, putting him on the equivalent of £40k a year while it leaves me with no skills to get a job as I don't speak the language. I chose to move with him and I've managed to find a little work but it's really not much... I'll probably be making £600 a month. I'm obviously looking for any way possible to increase that but right now I'm close to deciding to give up and move back to the UK.

    I tried to talk about money today as we've come to the end of various deposits/overpayment returns etc that we were using the pay the initial start up costs. I tried to say that I am earning the sort of amount which allows me to pay my half of the bills and buy basic food and then leaves me with nothing at all so perhaps it makes sense for now for him to start paying at least more of the rent so I have a tiny bit of disposable income e.g. for buying anything I need and saving for christmas presents/flight home at christmas or a bad month at work (0 hours contract).

    My suggestion was that he pay that for now and if my situation improves or I start to have a significant amount saved then we reevaluate and perhaps I pay him some back. He countered saying he's happy to pay the rent if I can't afford to one month but I should pay half until there's literally nothing in my bank account to pay the rent with. To me that's really not feasible, a livable wage isn't one that leaves you with 0 disposable income, expenses do come up and I feel like I shouldn't have to justify buying something if I can't pay my share of the rent. It will inevitably lead to an argument and it will leave me constantly feeling vulnerable and unable to make any choices myself.

    However I tried to say that to him and he just thinks I'm being paranoid and not trusting him that he will make sure we're both okay financially. I'm about ready to just give up on the relationship and move back home as I honestly feel like it would be less of a strain than the financial relationship he's proposing...
    He's an *******. I'd dump him if I were you.
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    Sounds like a **** situation. I wouldn't moved with him tbh. I would have tried a long distance for a while and then consider moving over if I could find a job opportunity out there.

    I say go back home and have a break from each other. If you're meant to be, you'll end up back together later on.

    Its a really selfless thing you've done to drop everything and move for him, and the fact he's not getting that sucks. Its not like you're nt trying. And you've been together 6 years! Why cant he just support you for a while, until you get on your feet.
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    Why did this not get brought up before you moved?

    I think hes being a prat.

    Youve moved country to be with him and you are struggling to find work and social inclusion. This is where you two should be closest and most in tune.

    Personally i think hes being very unreasonable - hes earning, you are not earnin any way near as much he could easily be supporting you. Youre in a long term relationship not a fling
    • #1
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    He's an *******. I'd dump him if I were you.
    Aside from this he is incredibly supportive and a fantastic partner, I think he's just never been in this position before and can't get past the idea that he's 'giving me' money

    (Original post by DoodleDee)
    Sounds like a **** situation. I wouldn't moved with him tbh. I would have tried a long distance for a while and then consider moving over if I could find a job opportunity out there.

    I say go back home and have a break from each other. If you're meant to be, you'll end up back together later on.

    Its a really selfless thing you've done to drop everything and move for him, and the fact he's not getting that sucks. Its not like you're nt trying. And you've been together 6 years! Why cant he just support you for a while, until you get on your feet.
    yeah I tried to look for jobs and couldn't get anywhere without being on location... I don't have a business background so can't get a job based on my degree here...

    I obviously want to work up to being able to pay my way and I think at some point that will be the case if I stick around but it's likely to take several months before I'm earning enough to comfortably pay my share

    (Original post by silverbolt)
    Why did this not get brought up before you moved?

    I think hes being a prat.

    Youve moved country to be with him and you are struggling to find work and social inclusion. This is where you two should be closest and most in tune.

    Personally i think hes being very unreasonable - hes earning, you are not earnin any way near as much he could easily be supporting you. Youre in a long term relationship not a fling
    We did discuss it, he said we needed to aim for me paying half (which I agree with, I'd much rather be self sufficient even if he's still earning more and saving a lot) but that he could help out if need be and if he had to pay more rent for a while that was fine

    obviously where it's gone wrong is that I think he should pay extra rent before I get into financial difficulty and he wants to help me out retrospectively... he doesn't quite get that for me constantly dipping into the red and having to be bailed out is going to be horrendously stressful... yeah our rent + all bills totals around 550 a month so it wouldn't make much difference to him to pay the lot but the extra few hundred would make a massive difference to me
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Aside from this he is incredibly supportive and a fantastic partner, I think he's just never been in this position before and can't get past the idea that he's 'giving me' money
    It's a really stupid attitude though. Like, what's wrong with supporting your partner if you can afford it? Is it hurting his pride or what? Idk I fully depend on my partner financially, so maybe that's why I don't get it but I just hate Scrooge-like people.
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    me and my wife have had very different shares of our combined resources since we have been together..*

    At university when we met she had loads of money as an international student sent to england with a decent wad of cash in the bank.. and I was a poor english student, living on 20 pounds a week.

    After graduation, she couldnt work (student visa), but I could.. so I had 100% of our income and money

    When we moved abroad, we started a business together, and now each earn effectivly 50% of our combined income.

    -- So we have pretty much done all 3 scenarios of financial dependence.

    Honestly, for me financial indipendance is incompatible with a commited relationship. Most couples I know who have kept fully inipendant finances, have failed badly after a while.

    There are only two scenarios that I personally view as healthy:

    Completly joint finance - whats mine is yours etc. Its traditional, and works if you love and trust each other completly. This is what me and my wife have always done, and as long as you allow others freedom with your pot - so that you two are not always looking over your shoulder for the others judgement each time you buy something, its the easiest and best way.

    Semi-indipendant finance - Seems to be the most popular these days. Joint account with the majority of your combined money, but personal private accounts for self-indulgent purchases + surprises etc.*

    --

    The second seems to be what you guys need, but for me it only works as a percentage of your joint pot. Say you earn 10k, and he earns 40k. Your joint income is 50k. So you keep 30k inside the joint account, and 10k goes to each of your private ballances.. (stupid numbers, just to illustrate the point).

    Honestly, if you say that to someone and they think 'But I earn more!! I should get to keep more!', or 'I dont want to give X all my money!'. Then they are not ready for that type of relationship, or/and have not met the right person or/and are not at the required stage of commitment. Either way you have a problem.

    It sounds to me like you guys have made a huge commitment to each other - moving to a new country and living together - but your relationship is not mature/ready to handle that commitment. Me and my wife managed moving to another country and being dependant on each other at different times, because that is the nature of a married relationship. you agree to always be there for each other, to always support, help, and to act as one - after all, your family now. Now this does not have to come from marriage, and certainyl boyfriend/girlfriend can have this same commitmet, but it does not sound like you guys do yet.*

    It seems like you are trying to do something that requires a joint mindset, but your boyfriend is still treating you guys like a newly-dating couple.. far to much distance in between. *
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    #1

    (Original post by Ciel.)
    It's a really stupid attitude though. Like, what's wrong with supporting your partner if you can afford it? Is it hurting his pride or what? Idk I fully depend on my partner financially, so maybe that's why I don't get it but I just hate Scrooge-like people.
    I honestly don't know. I think a little bit is a 'I've earned this' attitude, that he's worked hard for this job so he deserves all the rewards... but tbh I've sacrificed a lot so that he can have the job AND me. A little bit is that he feels like it's going to encourage me not to bother - both to manage my own money and to get more work when tbh I have never been very frivolous with money, I'll debate for weeks whether I need to buy something for £20 and I hate doing and earning so little at the moment, I'm doing everything I can to get more money. I think the other part is that he's still stuck in a low income mindset... effectively we've gone from earning 25k between us and paying 1k a month in rent/bills to earning 55k a year and paying 600 a month in rent and bills and tbh even with his indulgent lifestyle I think it would take a lot of lifestyle change for him to manage to spend all the money he now earns. But he's still thinking that chipping £300 in for rent is a lot when it would make little difference to him for a few months.

    (Original post by fallen_acorns)
    me and my wife have had very different shares of our combined resources since we have been together..*

    At university when we met she had loads of money as an international student sent to england with a decent wad of cash in the bank.. and I was a poor english student, living on 20 pounds a week.

    After graduation, she couldnt work (student visa), but I could.. so I had 100% of our income and money

    When we moved abroad, we started a business together, and now each earn effectivly 50% of our combined income.

    -- So we have pretty much done all 3 scenarios of financial dependence.

    Honestly, for me financial indipendance is incompatible with a commited relationship. Most couples I know who have kept fully inipendant finances, have failed badly after a while.

    There are only two scenarios that I personally view as healthy:

    Completly joint finance - whats mine is yours etc. Its traditional, and works if you love and trust each other completly. This is what me and my wife have always done, and as long as you allow others freedom with your pot - so that you two are not always looking over your shoulder for the others judgement each time you buy something, its the easiest and best way.

    Semi-indipendant finance - Seems to be the most popular these days. Joint account with the majority of your combined money, but personal private accounts for self-indulgent purchases + surprises etc.*

    --

    The second seems to be what you guys need, but for me it only works as a percentage of your joint pot. Say you earn 10k, and he earns 40k. Your joint income is 50k. So you keep 30k inside the joint account, and 10k goes to each of your private ballances.. (stupid numbers, just to illustrate the point).

    Honestly, if you say that to someone and they think 'But I earn more!! I should get to keep more!', or 'I dont want to give X all my money!'. Then they are not ready for that type of relationship, or/and have not met the right person or/and are not at the required stage of commitment. Either way you have a problem.

    It sounds to me like you guys have made a huge commitment to each other - moving to a new country and living together - but your relationship is not mature/ready to handle that commitment. Me and my wife managed moving to another country and being dependant on each other at different times, because that is the nature of a married relationship. you agree to always be there for each other, to always support, help, and to act as one - after all, your family now. Now this does not have to come from marriage, and certainyl boyfriend/girlfriend can have this same commitmet, but it does not sound like you guys do yet.*

    It seems like you are trying to do something that requires a joint mindset, but your boyfriend is still treating you guys like a newly-dating couple.. far to much distance in between. *
    Yeah I guess it's easier if it's going to be 'paid back' so to speak but the likelihood is he's always going to outearn me, especially now he's getting a massive headstart career wise (given I've essentially given up my career for now to be here)

    I agree I would ideally like a shared account that we both pay a certain amount into... for bills, rent, shared activities, food, holidays etc - that we pay different amounts into. My problem is how to persuade him to agree to it!

    I'm getting to the point where I feel like I want to say that I'm not willing to stay here under these conditions but I feel like that's basically blackmail and I don't want him to resent whatever decision we make.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I honestly don't know. I think a little bit is a 'I've earned this' attitude, that he's worked hard for this job so he deserves all the rewards... but tbh I've sacrificed a lot so that he can have the job AND me. A little bit is that he feels like it's going to encourage me not to bother - both to manage my own money and to get more work when tbh I have never been very frivolous with money, I'll debate for weeks whether I need to buy something for £20 and I hate doing and earning so little at the moment, I'm doing everything I can to get more money. I think the other part is that he's still stuck in a low income mindset... effectively we've gone from earning 25k between us and paying 1k a month in rent/bills to earning 55k a year and paying 600 a month in rent and bills and tbh even with his indulgent lifestyle I think it would take a lot of lifestyle change for him to manage to spend all the money he now earns. But he's still thinking that chipping £300 in for rent is a lot when it would make little difference to him for a few months.



    Yeah I guess it's easier if it's going to be 'paid back' so to speak but the likelihood is he's always going to outearn me, especially now he's getting a massive headstart career wise (given I've essentially given up my career for now to be here)

    I agree I would ideally like a shared account that we both pay a certain amount into... for bills, rent, shared activities, food, holidays etc - that we pay different amounts into. My problem is how to persuade him to agree to it!

    I'm getting to the point where I feel like I want to say that I'm not willing to stay here under these conditions but I feel like that's basically blackmail and I don't want him to resent whatever decision we make.
    Do you really wanna stay with someone like him for the rest of your life? He sounds like the type who would dump you in the cheapest care home just to save money.
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    Can't say I'm in agreement with most people here. Financial independence has always been a goal of mine, I'm all for keeping finances separate (as opposed to joint accounts etc that have been suggested). The fact you're already thinking of dropping out of the relationship, to me, already rings alarm bells though I can totally understand where you are coming from.

    That said, of course there needs to be a degree of trust in a relationship and also an understanding that both of you need to support each-other, financially if need be. I think you need to discuss this with him some more and ensure you are very open and honest, especially with how you feel overall. Basically, tell him what you told us here. I know it'll be a stressful time, but I'm sure there's some arrangement that can be made with a bit of discussion and mutual understanding. It seems as if you want to be working together on this, so with a bit of a push I'm sure you'll both come out just fine.

    Word to the wise, but perhaps come to a concrete solution in future prior to making a life changing decision. I know you spoke about it, but it appears things were still up in the air.
 
 
 
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