So I have just started my first year at uni and I have had a blast so far. One of the main things I have in my mind is the fact that I've never really had a real relationship. That's not down to fear either. Until I was around late 13 my Dad was an aggressive drunk, he'd get pissed up and smash stuff in the house, hurt himself and it happened lots and lots of times. At least twice a week I'd say from memory.
Since all that, it has really, really put me off the idea of relationships for a long time. Until I moved to uni I lived at home with my mum who does part time work but for a while, she seemed mentally unstable and I had nobody to talk to about "man things" like how most of you have or have had a father to speak to I've had nobody. Only myself to think and no answers to be returned and it really did knock my confidence.
I wouldn't say "I'm stunning, popular or a genius." I'm not bad looking, and I've had various opportunities in the past to go out with some quite attractive girls but the thoughts of the past lingering in my head. The anxiety of my family scaring them away and other things made me shy away from these things. The though of my dad smashing his head against our kitchen worktop after a litre of vodka because my mother wouldn't answer her phone. The thought of my dad kicking and punching my door down while I sit in there with my mum as a kid, crying. There was a time a few months back where my best friend's girlfriend had a mate who said she fancied me. I was over the moon because to be honest I've always wanted to know what it feels to be loved. I've been told what it feels like, but that's someone's experience of it and not my own. It turned out after months of me being around her finger I eventually realised she was playing me and no longer wanted me, she even lied to my face about it. It was so hurtful. Now, I'm at Uni and I feel like if I don't have it soon, I will never try and I want to.
Should I still go?