Girlfriend of five years broke up with me, she's at uni I'm not

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    So this past week my girlfriend of five years broke up with me.

    I suffer from quite crippling anxiety which forces me to at times, feel as though I can't leave the house and in turn, cancel plans. Unfortunately this happened to me on my 21st birthday; my Mum had booked us a night away and due to various stresses throughout the day I felt as though I just wanted to collapse and be alone. Now this has happened a couple of times before and this time it was too much for her, meaning she broke up with me. Now I completely understand this because she shouldn't have to wait around all day to be let down at the last minute, even if I can't control it.

    My confusion however is that she has pretty much written off any possibility of giving it another shot, even after I have been to get help for my anxiety and found my way of managing it. Only a couple of weeks earlier we were at V-Festival and we had what we both agreed as, the best day of the year. It was amazing. Also, for my birthday, she made me a booklet with all the things she loves about me. Some of the things she said in there are incredible, and it's clear how she feels about me. So I'm so confused as to why she no longer wants to be with me? When I've questioned this, she's said things like 'this is how it's supposed to be for me' but never really gave me a clear reason. She's so upset and along with the things explained above, I just don't understand why she's doing this? She's doing everything she can since the break up to distract herself from, avoiding conversation etc. Can you really stop loving someone, just like that? She's already been at uni for a year, but I'm starting to think maybe she just doesn't want a boyfriend for the rest of it? Maybe someone has said something to influence her? Maybe she's met someone?

    My head is a mess.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So this past week my girlfriend of five years broke up with me.

    I suffer from quite crippling anxiety which forces me to at times, feel as though I can't leave the house and in turn, cancel plans. Unfortunately this happened to me on my 21st birthday; my Mum had booked us a night away and due to various stresses throughout the day I felt as though I just wanted to collapse and be alone. Now this has happened a couple of times before and this time it was too much for her, meaning she broke up with me. Now I completely understand this because she shouldn't have to wait around all day to be let down at the last minute, even if I can't control it.

    My confusion however is that she has pretty much written off any possibility of giving it another shot, even after I have been to get help for my anxiety and found my way of managing it. Only a couple of weeks earlier we were at V-Festival and we had what we both agreed as, the best day of the year. It was amazing. Also, for my birthday, she made me a booklet with all the things she loves about me. Some of the things she said in there are incredible, and it's clear how she feels about me. So I'm so confused as to why she no longer wants to be with me? When I've questioned this, she's said things like 'this is how it's supposed to be for me' but never really gave me a clear reason. She's so upset and along with the things explained above, I just don't understand why she's doing this? She's doing everything she can since the break up to distract herself from, avoiding conversation etc. Can you really stop loving someone, just like that? She's already been at uni for a year, but I'm starting to think maybe she just doesn't want a boyfriend for the rest of it? Maybe someone has said something to influence her? Maybe she's met someone?

    My head is a mess.
    Sorry to hear about that. I would guess its not your anxiety or cancelling plans that was the reason for her breaking up. She is just using that as an excuse

    It sounds like she has just grown apart from you, whether she has met someone or not it doesn't really matter
    #2

    I don't believe she has met someone else, in their early twenties many people have a sense that life is changing rapidly, and seek to bring things under control by making interesting life decisions.
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    She's probably had enough of the problems that have been going on between you two.
    And you won't be at University with her, so she probably wants to move on and see other guys.
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    Thinking about all the possibilities of why she ended the relationship won't help you. Instead aim to show yourself, and everyone else, that you can overcome the anxiety by going out and doing things you want to do.
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    If she's stuck with you so far through your mental health issues and they haven't greatly affected her mental health, I doubt it's that.

    University changes people. All but one of the 'solid' couples I knew broke up before or during university.

    It's not you. It's just her life has changed and she probably wants all the freedom she can have at this stage in her life. Relationships are hard and sometimes there's only so much work you can do on them before you call it quits.

    Just remember, it's not your fault.

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    Sometimes people break up just because they "go off" a person and there can be no particularly clear reason for it. If it's not something you've directly done and should work on to improve your future self then don't stress too much. Breakups are hard enough anyway and you don't need more reasons to put yourself down.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So this past week my girlfriend of five years broke up with me.

    I suffer from quite crippling anxiety which forces me to at times, feel as though I can't leave the house and in turn, cancel plans. Unfortunately this happened to me on my 21st birthday; my Mum had booked us a night away and due to various stresses throughout the day I felt as though I just wanted to collapse and be alone. Now this has happened a couple of times before and this time it was too much for her, meaning she broke up with me. Now I completely understand this because she shouldn't have to wait around all day to be let down at the last minute, even if I can't control it.

    My confusion however is that she has pretty much written off any possibility of giving it another shot, even after I have been to get help for my anxiety and found my way of managing it. Only a couple of weeks earlier we were at V-Festival and we had what we both agreed as, the best day of the year. It was amazing. Also, for my birthday, she made me a booklet with all the things she loves about me. Some of the things she said in there are incredible, and it's clear how she feels about me. So I'm so confused as to why she no longer wants to be with me? When I've questioned this, she's said things like 'this is how it's supposed to be for me' but never really gave me a clear reason. She's so upset and along with the things explained above, I just don't understand why she's doing this? She's doing everything she can since the break up to distract herself from, avoiding conversation etc. Can you really stop loving someone, just like that? She's already been at uni for a year, but I'm starting to think maybe she just doesn't want a boyfriend for the rest of it? Maybe someone has said something to influence her? Maybe she's met someone?

    My head is a mess.
    She probably dosent feel the same way about you like she did before. I mean you both were 16 when you met things probably have gone stale.
    She's at uni lots of men there if I was her I would want some fun instead of being limited in a relationship which is why she broke up with you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So this past week my girlfriend of five years broke up with me.......
    ........My head is a mess.
    I'm sorry for the anguish and hurt you must surely be feeling.

    People do change and none more so than when adolescence gives way to adulthood. For many people that change continues into their thirties and beyond.

    In my experience, teenage relationships rarely survive beyond five years. Both parties change enormously in both aspiration, ambition and attraction.

    It does not sound at all as if your girlfriend has found someone new, but has definitely found the strain of disappointment, broken promises and a life of shackle to your anxiety simply too much to cope with.

    She has weighed up the things she likes about you and you give her against the effort she has to put in together with a potential life without constraint.

    It may be harsh to say this but dealing with a partner with chronic anxiety must be like dealing with a controlling and manipulative parent. The reasons are different but the outcome is the same.

    The relationships of teenagers and very young adults survive on emotion alone, without the maturity of experience to make a balanced decision about their own future lives. i.e. there is no other reference than the person they are with.

    This can then lead to feelings of guilt, claustrophobia and finally resentment if their own dreams and wishes are unfulfilled.

    If you do love her, you have to let her go. She will not have made this decision lightly and it will have taken her a long time before summoning the courage to do this.

    Trying to cling on to her will only reinforce the reasons why she broke up with you in the first place.

    Let her go and deal with your own problems. You cannot ask her to be your crutch.

    You have to face reality. It's best for you and it's best for her.
 
 
 
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