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My Grandpa died...

My Grandpa died a few months ago, but because of a load of other stuff that was happeining at the time, and then having exams, I feel like I haven't morned his death.
I was close to him when I was little, but he had a form of Dementia (sp) which means alot of my memories are of him in a nursing home, gradually getting worse and worse. At his funeral my (older) sister spoke about some of her memories of him, and I was sitting there thinking how I really couldn't remember that much. I know I loved him, but I can't remember that much.
I guess now I just feel like he's gone and I can't remember the real him, and because he was in a nursing home I didn't get to say goodbye properly. My parents are scatering his ashes whilst they're on holiday, and I can't stop thinking about how I've missed the oppertunity to say goodbye.
Now I'm really missing him, and the fact that I can't remember him that well. It doesn't help that I'm home alone at the moment, so I haven't got the normal distractions.
This is all a bit ramballing, and I don't know if anyone can help, but I just feel very alone with all this. I can't talk to my friends or family about it all.
:frown:

Reply 1

CheesyBeans

1

My grandad died last year after suffering from Alzhiemers for quite a while. I know how you feel when you say that most of your memories seem to be of your grandpa in nursing homes but I find talking with other family members helps you to remember the better times too.

I too never got to say goodbye to my grandad. He was in a nursing home and was quite ill but I never visited because I was scared and now I feel really guilty about it. I don't know how my parents, nan, aunties and uncles managed to cope around him and having to deal with the fact he didn't even know who they were. I hate to admit that I didn't want to have to deal with that myself.

I think you will start to feel better eventually. How about asking your parents about when you were little? Did you visit him much back then? We are always telling each other little stories. When I look back the memory that sticks out for me is watching Countdown at my grandparents house and my grandad wafting my tea with the radio times because it was too hot to eat.

Reply 2

randomgirl

14

Why can't you speak to your family? Surely they are the best people to speak to as they share the sadness and grievances (sp) that you are experiencing?

You have reacted perfectly normally to this situation. Try to remember you grandpa as he was before he became ill. Speaking to your sister and parents etc, can help you learn more about him etc, as you said you don't remember very much. Don't be afraid to bring him up and talk about him.

And lastly, *hugs*

Reply 3

DiscoPirate

10

First of all i'm really sorry about your loss.

My Grandma died from Alzheimers (sp) her illness put a lot of strain on the family plus for months before she died she was no longer my grandma in the sense that she had no recolection of any memories or family connections she was basiacally just a stranger.

Anyway what i'm getting at is that you could try to focus on the fact that your grandpa had a mental illness which put a strain on both your parents and you and stopped him from emotionally being your Grandpa. Think of his death as a release for him and a relief (I don't mean that in an uncaring way) for the people that cared for him.

Good Luck.
Love DP. x

Reply 4

CheesyBeans

1

DiscoPirate

. Think of his death as a release for him and a relief (I don't mean that in an uncaring way) for the people that cared for him.

It might be harsh but that was what I thought when my grandad died. My nan was making herself ill when she was caring for him and then making herself ill even more because she worried that he wasn't getting the care he needed in the nursing home.

Reply 5

thesard

Hey Dark Flower: you certainly don't have to feel any guilt or confusion over thet fact that you can't remember the 'real' him. No matter how much you know someone, memories fade. That's just inevitable. My mom died three years ago and all I have left (in terms of memories) is a two-second flashback of her walking towards me and another one in which she was banging pots around the kitchen in some vain attempt to get me to do the washing up (it didn't even work!).

Anyway, could you talk to your family about him; perhaps your older sister? It may do you some good to share fond memories so that your lasting perception of him isn't that he was an ill man.

I've found that meditating can resurface some faint memories of my mom. I don't wallow in the misery of her death, but rather lie in bed and just think about how amazing she was. Sometimes, a great memory pops into my head and then a part of her is mine to covet again. Maybe that's a weird suggestion; I've found it to be helpful.

But anyway, feel free to PM me if you need to talk :smile:

Reply 6

Rennie

1

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandpa. I know dealing with someone with dementia is very tough for anyone.

I had a similar situation in a way. My nan and I never really got on. When I was younger we'd have fun but as I got older we parted. She always prefered my brother and I found her rather... difficult. My mum told me later that she thinks my nan suffered from depression amongst other mental illnesses perhaps and she would make things up. As a young child I would often not believe her about things whereas my brother would. This meant that she found preference over him and just thought me as being difficult.

Anyway... she got ill when I was 9 and was rushed into hospital. It turns out she'd been suffering with heart attacks for a day or so but her husband had not believed her.
I went to go and visit her but they wouldn't let me in to see her as I was too young. They told me I could go and wave goodbye before we left. My cousins, then 2 and 4 I believe, waved goodbye to her but I didn't. I still don't know why.

A few days later I was at school and it suddenly hit me than my nan was ill. I started crying. At the end of school I was fine and I my mum and I were having a laugh until my aunt called to say my nan had died (oddly around the time I'd cried). I can still remember my mum's scream. I had no idea what to do. I just stared, watching the Disney Channel wondering how they could all be smiling.

Anyway, I'm sure you're thinking this has nothing to do with how you're feeling... but, in a way it does. I cried at the hospital when we drove up to it. My mum went in and said goodbye to her and my dad went with her. My brother and I stayed in the relative's room. I cried then, but only a little. At her funeral I didn't cry at all. My mum and brother did but I didn't.

After that it kind of all just faded away and I was fine for about 2 years. Then all of a sudden it hit me that I could never remember saying I'd loved her. And I felt so bad that I couldn't remember a single good time we'd spent together. It absolutely tore me apart and I found myself suddenly mourning her- a lot. It was really tough. There was a lot of other stuff going on in my life then and I think that's what pushed me over the edge.

However, I thought about how she wouldn't want to see me upset. My mum was a bit of a help too. After a few months of feeling this way I spoke to her about it and she assured me that my nan did love me and knew that I loved her too. I also found some photographs of when I was really little of me in her arms and it reminded me that we were at least happy once.

I don't know if it can be any help to you but I did get over it. Sure, I'm sad that I didn't say goodbye that day (though I had no idea it would be forever) and I wish I could remember the good times but I'm happy in myself.

And the way that I look at it was that my nan was not a happy person at all. She'd moved away from us and she was extremely lonely which could not have helped her depression. I at least know that she's no longer suffering from that and I think the same goes for your grandpa.

If you can't talk to your family then I understand that. It can be hard to find the words but it's been so recent for you. I think it would be best to get it off your chest. You may even want to talk to your friends. Most people have lost someone and can relate to how you're feeling.

I found it hardest because I left it so long and people thought I didn't care- that made it harder to show that I did. So, just don't make that mistake. Try and think of good times if there were any. Even though he may have spent a lot of the time in a nursing home. It may take a while but some day you might think of a good memory and that's what you want to hold on to. Really.

Sorry for rambling about my own experience. It's probably not what you need but it's the only thing I can think to say.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Reply 7

Dark Flower

OP

Thanks for the replys
He had been ill for ages, and had been in a home for about 5/6 years. I did visit him, my sister wouldn't and my brother stopped going. I guess they found it too upsetting. But the man I saw who couldn't talk, move or remember who I was, wasn't my Grandpa. In a way, I guess the real him died quite a few years ago.
I don't feel I can talk to my family, because we've all been though quite a lot of crap, and now I'm left feeling like I can't say anything in case someone gets upset. Which is silly I know, as it is upsetting, but I don't want to be the one to bring it all up again and cause people to cry. And this has all hit me quite recently, while all my family are away.
I just don't know how to tell everyone I'm not alright, because they all think I'm fine. I don't want to make my mum worry even more than she does.

Reply 8

Ang|ophi|e

12

My grandfather died in February. However since Christmas he was in the hospital. First it was because of diabetes. He lost circulation in the right leg and they had to either amputate it or do another risky surgery for his veins. They chose the 2nd one because he would still have his right leg. Even though the surgery was sucessful they had to do another one for another vein and slowly he feel into a sort of coma. He died when his heart gave out. It was really sad becuase the doctors messed up. They gave him too much medicine. At his funeral I was full of regret because I never really got to know him. Out of all his grandchildren I was probably the least closest to him.

So I can relate to you in some terms. It's always sad when someone dies but that is the cycle of life. Just remember your grandfather is in a better place now. :hugs:

Reply 9

Rennie

1

Dark Flower

I just don't know how to tell everyone I'm not alright, because they all think I'm fine. I don't want to make my mum worry even more than she does.

Don't I know that feeling? However, it's really not good to keep it bottled up. If they're upset too then you can talk about it together. It could be helpful- sort of like group councelling in a way.

Trust me, though, it will be better in the long run if people know how you are feeling. That way it can't really be made worse.

Reply 10

thesard

Dark Flower

Thanks for the replys
He had been ill for ages, and had been in a home for about 5/6 years. I did visit him, my sister wouldn't and my brother stopped going. I guess they found it too upsetting. But the man I saw who couldn't talk, move or remember who I was, wasn't my Grandpa. In a way, I guess the real him died quite a few years ago.
I don't feel I can talk to my family, because we've all been though quite a lot of crap, and now I'm left feeling like I can't say anything in case someone gets upset. Which is silly I know, as it is upsetting, but I don't want to be the one to bring it all up again and cause people to cry. And this has all hit me quite recently, while all my family are away.
I just don't know how to tell everyone I'm not alright, because they all think I'm fine. I don't want to make my mum worry even more than she does.

I think that your mom might be grateful that you are open with her. She might actually worry because her kids are keeping it all bottled up? Also, you might find that talking to your mom has some therapeutic effect for her too; right now, she is probably feeling like she has to keep it all together.

If you truly feel that your family wouldn't respond well, then you could always see a counsellor, or speak to a friend. Counsellors aren't for the weak, navel-gazing lunatics that some people assume they are; they're merely people who take the role of listener.

My Grandpa died...

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