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Don't know what to do... Is it abuse?
um don't know how to delete a thread... thanks for your help everyone
JamieBuckJack
Hiya honey,
I hope this message finds you well...
I have previously studied Psychology and having read your blog-entry I can provide the following.. I am assuming that Dad isn't around!
Given your age you are classified as an Adolescent - and during this period of your life you are considered highly likely to enter into conflict with care-givers (namely Mum). You are believed to think of yourself as, I aint what I am, I aint what I was and I aint what I ought to be or used to be!! This causes conflict! - you don't understand you, and Mum doesn't understand you! Confusing!!
In order to break away from this, you need to acheive a sense of identity - which can be defined as 'feeling at home in ones body' a sense of 'knowing where one is going' and an inner-assuredness of anticipated recognition from those who count (your Mum).
I hope this message finds you well...
I have previously studied Psychology and having read your blog-entry I can provide the following.. I am assuming that Dad isn't around!
Given your age you are classified as an Adolescent - and during this period of your life you are considered highly likely to enter into conflict with care-givers (namely Mum). You are believed to think of yourself as, I aint what I am, I aint what I was and I aint what I ought to be or used to be!! This causes conflict! - you don't understand you, and Mum doesn't understand you! Confusing!!
In order to break away from this, you need to acheive a sense of identity - which can be defined as 'feeling at home in ones body' a sense of 'knowing where one is going' and an inner-assuredness of anticipated recognition from those who count (your Mum).
I hate to break it to you, but you don't need to have studied psychology to work that one out.
JamieBuckJack
You need to sit and talk about your feelings with your Mum, or maybe another elder member of the family (Aunty/Granny) who can convey your feelings to Mum in such a way that won't provoke aggression.
She says she's already tried talking to her mum, but I agree that having another family member there as a sort of 'mediator' might help.
JamieBuckJack
If you really believe that Mum intends to kill you - then you should discuss your concerns with the ChildLine 0800 11 11 11, it's free and confidential. Moreover, you should call the police (999) this is also free, but not confidential.
Agree with this - though if it is just empty threats then this doesn't leave her with much of an option.
I don't really know what I can say about it apart from spend as much time away from your mum as possible (at friends' houses, other relatives' houses, at the library if you have studying to do) as she really sounds unpleasant to be with (though I would recommend trying to talk to her again, this time using another family member as a mediator).
Thanks everyone for your feedback, I don't think my mum really is going to kill me but it rattled me a bit . I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel and if I'm right in feeling how I feel. Please don't tell me how I feel as only I know if i truly want to die and I don't like being told I'm crying for help and I want attention when that is the last thing I want. My dad knows what my mother is like as she has been the same to my older sister, she is incredibly bitter about things and talking to her will not help because there has been a number of times when my sister,dad,step-mum,aunt etc have spoken to her about what she does and how it makes me feel but she doesn't care and is aware of it . I have called childline and they have been of no help and seen a counsellor which has also done nothing. My feelings are very real. It is not just a typical mother daughter clash, she hates me and makes me hate myself. I do not hate her because it's my fault for making her angry.
Thank you for your feedback ,anymore would be most apprieciated (sorry about the spelling).
Thank you for your feedback ,anymore would be most apprieciated (sorry about the spelling).
JamieBuckJack, you may have meant well but to me that post came across as extremely patronising!
To the original poster..
What you´ve described isn´t normal and you´ve every right to feel confused and upset and all the rest of it. Just because your a teenager doesn´t mean that your mother is always right and although your sister managed to cope with the behaviour of your mother, you are not her and you deal with things differently.
If she isn´t the sort of person who responds to you telling her how you feel, would it be worth writing it down and giving it to her to read? It is hard to know how to help you as you seem to have been sensible enough to seek out childline and counselling options.
Hopefully things will get better for you and if you do carry on feeling suicidal then please contact someone like your GP.
Good luck with wanting to be a doctor
To the original poster..
What you´ve described isn´t normal and you´ve every right to feel confused and upset and all the rest of it. Just because your a teenager doesn´t mean that your mother is always right and although your sister managed to cope with the behaviour of your mother, you are not her and you deal with things differently.
If she isn´t the sort of person who responds to you telling her how you feel, would it be worth writing it down and giving it to her to read? It is hard to know how to help you as you seem to have been sensible enough to seek out childline and counselling options.
Hopefully things will get better for you and if you do carry on feeling suicidal then please contact someone like your GP.
Good luck with wanting to be a doctor
Thanks very much^
I am the OP and I tried the letter option when I was about 9 and she just got angry and started screaming @ me and talking about me to her family on the phone. Yeah, I was kind of angry with JamieBuckJack for being so patronising but then I thought he meant well even though the bit about me crying for help and stuff annoyed me especially the 'confusing!' bit. But thank you for your help Sarky, and thanks for telling me things will get better, even though I'm not sure they will, but can you be a doctor with a history of mental health problems?
I am the OP and I tried the letter option when I was about 9 and she just got angry and started screaming @ me and talking about me to her family on the phone. Yeah, I was kind of angry with JamieBuckJack for being so patronising but then I thought he meant well even though the bit about me crying for help and stuff annoyed me especially the 'confusing!' bit. But thank you for your help Sarky, and thanks for telling me things will get better, even though I'm not sure they will, but can you be a doctor with a history of mental health problems?
is it possible for you to go and live with your dad for abit or your older sister? it seems ur mum is the one who needs help, maybe shes depressed or has some underlying problems which is why she's so bitter, have you told your dad about the threats shes made, try and get away for a few weeks and maybe she'll reaise what shes doing
xxxx
xxxx
It's called emotional abuse, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. However, as I cannot possibly put your mom's (horrendous) actions into context, I can't say for sure if she's 'just like that' or if she might actually just be stressed out.
Is there a school counsellor with whom you can discuss what's going on at home? He or she might be able to help you figure out what is going on at home.
Is there a school counsellor with whom you can discuss what's going on at home? He or she might be able to help you figure out what is going on at home.
Your mother needs serious help, is there anyone else you can live with?
God. I hate emotional abuse. I know exactly what it's like. I'm sorry for you. I hope things get better. It's just a shame you're still fifteen and aren't old enough to get yourself out of this situation - I fear things won't improve until you do.
What many people don't understand is that family is overrated. Many people have truly awful family situations, and the only thing that can help them is for them to remove themselves from their family and never see them again. I really hope this works out for you. Take comfort in you friends for now, and look forward to better days, eh.
What many people don't understand is that family is overrated. Many people have truly awful family situations, and the only thing that can help them is for them to remove themselves from their family and never see them again. I really hope this works out for you. Take comfort in you friends for now, and look forward to better days, eh.
Like others have said, this is emotional abuse. And an acute case of it by the sounds of it.
All I can say is keep making sure people are aware of your feelings - don't bottle them up. Talking to childline and seeing a councellor is a help - simply because you are letting out some of the stuff that's building up inside, which is NEVER a bad thing!
I would say contact social services - there is no circumstance in which you should be treated like this. However, I am not sure what they can do once you are 16.
Keep looking ahead - focus on what YOU want in the future. On your dreams. You deserve them!
Oh, and you are NOT ugly, NOT stupid or anything like that. I know it's almost impossible not to believe you are when someone close to you keeps saying it, but you are NOT.
Stay strong and don't give up!
*hugs*
P.S. Feel free to PM if you ever need anyone to talk to!
All I can say is keep making sure people are aware of your feelings - don't bottle them up. Talking to childline and seeing a councellor is a help - simply because you are letting out some of the stuff that's building up inside, which is NEVER a bad thing!
I would say contact social services - there is no circumstance in which you should be treated like this. However, I am not sure what they can do once you are 16.
Keep looking ahead - focus on what YOU want in the future. On your dreams. You deserve them!
Oh, and you are NOT ugly, NOT stupid or anything like that. I know it's almost impossible not to believe you are when someone close to you keeps saying it, but you are NOT.
Stay strong and don't give up!
*hugs*
P.S. Feel free to PM if you ever need anyone to talk to!
diamonddust
I've been feeling really depressed over the summer because of things at home.My mum's always belittling me in front of people and implying that everything she goes through is my fault and telling me that she doesn't want me around and if i wasn't around her life would be better and that the sight of me makes her sick and once she told me that she was going to kill me and then herself because she couldn't take having me around anymore.
I've been feeling really depressed over the summer because of things at home.My mum's always belittling me in front of people and implying that everything she goes through is my fault and telling me that she doesn't want me around and if i wasn't around her life would be better and that the sight of me makes her sick and once she told me that she was going to kill me and then herself because she couldn't take having me around anymore.Does your mum have any friends? Or is she stuck in the house lots?
Either way it doesn't excuse her talking to you like that and treating you that way. Sounds like she's trying to pass her insecurities onto you. It's definately not your fault. As for you being depressed, you need to do your best to be away from her, maybe focus on school work or go out with your friends lots.
diamonddust
So also said she was going to make my life a lifing hell so I'd go away.As a result I feel really suicidal and I don't know what to do. I have spoken to my older sister who is 10 years older than me ( I am 15) about it because my mum was like that to her too and she said to just try to carry on and things will get better but I don't think they will because they've been like this for so long.
So also said she was going to make my life a lifing hell so I'd go away.As a result I feel really suicidal and I don't know what to do. I have spoken to my older sister who is 10 years older than me ( I am 15) about it because my mum was like that to her too and she said to just try to carry on and things will get better but I don't think they will because they've been like this for so long.
The best thing you can do is try not to show her it bothers you. For example with the dietician thing, don't ask her what she'd do if you were fat. It's just another bit of ammo for her.
If your mum was like that to your sister too, you can assume it's not because of things you do, just your mum is a bad parent. So don't blame yourself
diamonddust
I don't know if this is abuse or if it's my fault for being me or something but I have a feeling that this might just be a cultural thing because my uncle's mum was the same to him but I don't think it's right. My mum's always going on about how in Africa her dad pulled out a knife on her and she's OK now when I try and tell her how I feel.
I don't know if this is abuse or if it's my fault for being me or something but I have a feeling that this might just be a cultural thing because my uncle's mum was the same to him but I don't think it's right. My mum's always going on about how in Africa her dad pulled out a knife on her and she's OK now when I try and tell her how I feel.
Furthermore, if she's making threats and you genuinely feel threatened, I'm pretty sure it is assault (somebody who does law can correct me on this if they wish), although very difficult to prove. Is there no chance you could move in with your sister?
Your mum thinks she's OK? Clearly she has a warped perception of whats OK.
The way her Father treated her most probably has had an effect on the way she treats you, however, this doesn't excuse her actions.
As for you wanting to be a Doctor. If your serious about that, then first of all you need to get the suicidal tendencies out of your head, definately not a good trait for a Doctor, or anyone for that matter.
However, lets end on a positive note.
It's great you have a goal, so focus on it. If you wanna be a Doctor you need to do well in school, so that should help you keep away from your mum a bit more.
Anyway, good luck and keep your chin up. Remember, if it gets too bad call childline
Take Care, Anth
diamonddust
can you be a doctor with a history of mental health problems?
It depends on the circumstances, but many medical students have a history of mental health problems and are able to do the course.
When i was your age getting into medical school was what got me out of bed in the morning, it still does but not in such an enthusiastic way!
It is good to have something to drive you, but remember to look after yourself. I worked myself into the ground trying to get my grades when i wasn´t well enough and i should have concentrated a bit more on me.
Good luck
First off all I'd like to say sorry - what you are going through is terrible and you must feel pretty isolated and alone. Having people around you (your dad, sister etc.) that can't do anything to help probably makes everything a whole lot worse.
What your mum is doing is wrong. She is being manipulative and abusive. Her behaviour is appalling. Sometimes, when people have big problems or feel bad about themselves, they take it out on the people they love/care about the most. I'm not condoning your mum's actions; I'm just trying to explain to you that she probably doesn't hate you at all - she just doesn't know who else to blame for the way she is feeling inside.
Is there any chance that you could stay with your Dad, sister, aunt or even a trustworthy friend for a while? I'd recommend talking to a friend's mum and perhaps when you get back to school you could consider talking to a teacher or a school nurse/counsellor? What ever you do, don't just tell TSR. Your mum said she wants you out of the way - if you leave home for a while she may realise just how much she has hurt your feelings and how wrong she was to treat you with such contempt. I'm NOT telling you to run away - just try to make some arrangements.
The fact that you're at home all summer will just exacerbate the tensions between you and your mum. Try and get out the house as much as possible. Set yourself some realistic goals and try to think positively about the future. DON'T take what you mum says literally - nothing that comes out of her mouth has any grounding in truth. She has a distorted mind and she enjoys winding you up and making you feel bad about yourself. It is no reflection of the way you really are. You're a beautiful, precious young girl who has a wonderful future ahead of her. You said you wanted to be a doctor? Look into it. Don't let that dream fizzle out because you can't see past your current situation. Don't dwell on the horrible things your mum has said to you - they're all lies.
I can totally understand why you're feeling so depressed, even suicidal… but PLEASE, please do NOT do anything stupid. Talk to someone about how you're feeling. I'm surprised that child line did nothing to help. I'd really recommend emailing the Samaritans. All of the information can be found on their site but I'll put it here anyway: [email protected] , 08457 90 90 90 (UK) or 1850 60 90 90 (ROI), you can even write: Chris, PO Box 90 90, Stirling, FK8 2SA. It is all completely confidential. If you feel comfortable with meeting someone, they can help you find a local branch near your area. You said so yourself that killing yourself would be pointless - it wont change your mum's behaviour, you wont fulfil your dream of becoming a doctor… the list goes on. You need to hang in there - first and foremost for yourself and secondly for your friends and family.
This is most definitely abuse. Your mum is abusing you emotionally, making physical threats and belittling you to make herself feel better. There is no excuse for her behaviour. You are NOT to blame. Although abusive relationships aren't a rare phenomenon these days, the way your mum is treating you is not normal - this is not a normal parent/child relationship. She should, particularly at this vulnerable age, be encouraging you and doing her utmost to make you feel good and happy about yourself and your own identify. However much she may have been hurt in the past, it does not condone this awful behaviour. You're not oversensitive or stupid. I'm surprised you've kept it together for so long. Thank you for sharing with us your terrible situation. I hope that at least some of the advice given to you on this thread will help you to find a way out of it.
You're a strong, independent person who, I believe, has a wonderful future ahead of her. Things wont be like this forever. Just because your sister managed to get through these awful years does not mean that you have to. Abusive relationships may seem impossible to escape but there are people out there that can and want to help you. Arguments are normal but this is not.
Let us know how you get on. If you ever want to talk to someone, feel free to send me a private message. We're all here for you.
Laus xxx
What your mum is doing is wrong. She is being manipulative and abusive. Her behaviour is appalling. Sometimes, when people have big problems or feel bad about themselves, they take it out on the people they love/care about the most. I'm not condoning your mum's actions; I'm just trying to explain to you that she probably doesn't hate you at all - she just doesn't know who else to blame for the way she is feeling inside.
Is there any chance that you could stay with your Dad, sister, aunt or even a trustworthy friend for a while? I'd recommend talking to a friend's mum and perhaps when you get back to school you could consider talking to a teacher or a school nurse/counsellor? What ever you do, don't just tell TSR. Your mum said she wants you out of the way - if you leave home for a while she may realise just how much she has hurt your feelings and how wrong she was to treat you with such contempt. I'm NOT telling you to run away - just try to make some arrangements.
The fact that you're at home all summer will just exacerbate the tensions between you and your mum. Try and get out the house as much as possible. Set yourself some realistic goals and try to think positively about the future. DON'T take what you mum says literally - nothing that comes out of her mouth has any grounding in truth. She has a distorted mind and she enjoys winding you up and making you feel bad about yourself. It is no reflection of the way you really are. You're a beautiful, precious young girl who has a wonderful future ahead of her. You said you wanted to be a doctor? Look into it. Don't let that dream fizzle out because you can't see past your current situation. Don't dwell on the horrible things your mum has said to you - they're all lies.
I can totally understand why you're feeling so depressed, even suicidal… but PLEASE, please do NOT do anything stupid. Talk to someone about how you're feeling. I'm surprised that child line did nothing to help. I'd really recommend emailing the Samaritans. All of the information can be found on their site but I'll put it here anyway: [email protected] , 08457 90 90 90 (UK) or 1850 60 90 90 (ROI), you can even write: Chris, PO Box 90 90, Stirling, FK8 2SA. It is all completely confidential. If you feel comfortable with meeting someone, they can help you find a local branch near your area. You said so yourself that killing yourself would be pointless - it wont change your mum's behaviour, you wont fulfil your dream of becoming a doctor… the list goes on. You need to hang in there - first and foremost for yourself and secondly for your friends and family.
This is most definitely abuse. Your mum is abusing you emotionally, making physical threats and belittling you to make herself feel better. There is no excuse for her behaviour. You are NOT to blame. Although abusive relationships aren't a rare phenomenon these days, the way your mum is treating you is not normal - this is not a normal parent/child relationship. She should, particularly at this vulnerable age, be encouraging you and doing her utmost to make you feel good and happy about yourself and your own identify. However much she may have been hurt in the past, it does not condone this awful behaviour. You're not oversensitive or stupid. I'm surprised you've kept it together for so long. Thank you for sharing with us your terrible situation. I hope that at least some of the advice given to you on this thread will help you to find a way out of it.
You're a strong, independent person who, I believe, has a wonderful future ahead of her. Things wont be like this forever. Just because your sister managed to get through these awful years does not mean that you have to. Abusive relationships may seem impossible to escape but there are people out there that can and want to help you. Arguments are normal but this is not.
Let us know how you get on. If you ever want to talk to someone, feel free to send me a private message. We're all here for you.
Laus xxx
you need to talk to someone right away, i would advise talking to a family member like your dad, because there is something seriously wrong with your mum, but right now its you that needs the help.
Thank u all so much, I feel a bit better now. It helps to know that other people have been through it too and come out the other end. As many people have asked I don't think it would be possible to live with my dad because he lives in Essex while my school is in North London and I can't leave my school now because of starting year 11 in September. My dad knows everything my mum has ever said to me but he says that's just the way she is and not to be affected by it which is really hard to do. I can't live with my sister either because she lives in Brixton 
2 of my close friends live on the same road as me and their parents say I can stay with then if I need to but I'm not sure how long they'll have me for. My mum isn't horrible all the time, she will ocasionally come home and start talking to me about work or something, it's just she's really uncommunicative and will ignore me if I ask her a question or twist it around like when I asked her if I could have a rabbit and I said they were really smart she said they could teach you a thing or two, she has to turn everything into something unpleasant. The one thing I hate is being dismissed which she constantly does , she'll ask me a question and then say what do you know, or say something like you're not a 'typical teenager' and she does things like that in front of people and then laugh about it with them like I'm not in the room. But I'll stop moaning now and just say thank you to all of you for your helpful comments.
2 of my close friends live on the same road as me and their parents say I can stay with then if I need to but I'm not sure how long they'll have me for. My mum isn't horrible all the time, she will ocasionally come home and start talking to me about work or something, it's just she's really uncommunicative and will ignore me if I ask her a question or twist it around like when I asked her if I could have a rabbit and I said they were really smart she said they could teach you a thing or two, she has to turn everything into something unpleasant. The one thing I hate is being dismissed which she constantly does , she'll ask me a question and then say what do you know, or say something like you're not a 'typical teenager' and she does things like that in front of people and then laugh about it with them like I'm not in the room. But I'll stop moaning now and just say thank you to all of you for your helpful comments.
You're not moaning. What you're going through isn't very nice at all. I'm sorry that you can't live with your dad or your sister. I'd recommend taking up the offer and staying with a friend. Even if it is short term it'll give your mum a chance to think about the way she has been treating you. Why don't you write her a letter or something? Or is that completely out of the question? I don't want her to react badly.
It's good that she occasionally talks to you on a normal level. It isn't right that she doesn't make more of an effort to be pleasant to you though. She is playing games with you; trying to get your hopes up for a minute and then rubbishing you to see how you might react. Perhaps she wants to provoke you? If you're quite a calm, non-responsive person it may frustrate her that you don't lose your temper or tell her what's for. What she does to you in front of her friends (who don't sound very friendly to me) is wrong. She has no right to put you down full stop, let alone in front of other people.
When someone constantly dismisses you, you can start to feel worthless and unimportant. Remember that your opinion matters and that you probably have more sense than your mum. Your mum sounds very controlling and needy. The only reason she dismisses what you have to say is because to her, only her opinion matters. She may ask what you think but she isn't about to take you (or anymore else for that matter) seriously. Just remind yourself that she is the one with the problem, not you.
There is no such thing as a 'typical teenager'. Everyone is different - we all have our quirks and weaknesses. She certainly is NOT a typical mother. Intentionally trying to embarrass and belittle your own daughter is not motherly behaviour, it's wrong. I'm sorry for the way she has been treating you.
Laus xxx
It's good that she occasionally talks to you on a normal level. It isn't right that she doesn't make more of an effort to be pleasant to you though. She is playing games with you; trying to get your hopes up for a minute and then rubbishing you to see how you might react. Perhaps she wants to provoke you? If you're quite a calm, non-responsive person it may frustrate her that you don't lose your temper or tell her what's for. What she does to you in front of her friends (who don't sound very friendly to me) is wrong. She has no right to put you down full stop, let alone in front of other people.
When someone constantly dismisses you, you can start to feel worthless and unimportant. Remember that your opinion matters and that you probably have more sense than your mum. Your mum sounds very controlling and needy. The only reason she dismisses what you have to say is because to her, only her opinion matters. She may ask what you think but she isn't about to take you (or anymore else for that matter) seriously. Just remind yourself that she is the one with the problem, not you.
There is no such thing as a 'typical teenager'. Everyone is different - we all have our quirks and weaknesses. She certainly is NOT a typical mother. Intentionally trying to embarrass and belittle your own daughter is not motherly behaviour, it's wrong. I'm sorry for the way she has been treating you.
Laus xxx
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