relationships at uni

What are people's views and experiences of being in a long distance relationship at university?

I'm going to uni in oct and would prefer to be single rather than totally attached because of the freedom and to allow myself to grow. My boyfriend (one year younger) of 10 months, on the other hand, refuses to accept that we are ever going to break up. Don't get me wrong, I really do love him, but I'm worried that if we stay together there might be problems.

I have discussed this with him, at one point the idea of an open relationship came up but he has gone off it.

Any thoughts will be really helpful as I'm very confused, my heart and my head are pulling me separate ways :s-smilie:

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Somebody

Obviously, it depends on the couple, and I've heard of several couples surviving with one being at uni and one not / being at a different uni. It can be done.

However, many people find that it is too much strain, and that there are people better suited for them at uni.

From what you've written, I think you won't get as much out of either your relationship or uni life with how you feel at the moment.

On the one hand, you'll be going through something that your boyfriend doesn't understand (the freedom and responsibilities at uni), and on the other, you won't be able to enjoy yourself, since you not only have a boyfriend, but he can't always be with you.

Also - as far as I understand - people mature a lot at uni, so you may find you outgrow your boyfriend while there.

Please don't take what I've written too seriously - I'm also heading off to uni in Sept, so am simply using what I've heard rather than experience I have!

Also, I know a couple where she went to uni and - because of a back problem - he didn't, though they saw each other almost every weekend during term-time and are now married! So it can work - but it is a lot of effort (and can be expensive, travel wise).

Reply 2

User69701

Just comlpeted my first year and can say that they rarely work. First year you will most likely change a lot. It's quite hard for some people who are not in a similar situation to empathise and understand. It's even hard to explain. For example today a friend of mine who didnt go to uni said the sentance "...it's *only* £250."

Thats not to say it can't work. But you should think carefully about whether you want to go to uni as a singleton.

Reply 3

loz_fairy

If you're saying now you want to go as a singleton then you probably should.
Long Distance Relationships take A LOT of work, and if you've constantly got the desire to be single in the back of your head it's not going to be any easier

Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound patronising, just trying to help :smile:

Reply 4

username47781

Me and my girlfriend survived university so it can be done with a lot of effort and trust.

In your case though if you say you want to be single when you go to Uni, I would break up like now with your boyfriend because he's not happy. Don't prolong it all, end it now.

Open relationships rarely work and someone always gets hurt, but don't expect him to come crawling back to you if you start missing him when you are having the single life.

Reply 5

History_is...

I said before I went that although I loved my boyfriend I didn't think id be able to keep the relationship going, and only a couple of weeks into first term I cracked and ended it. now he hates me. All I can say is be as honest as possible before you get there, to ease the blow so to speak if you do find you want out when you get there.

Reply 6

La Trampa

been at uni a year now and i see my bf every 2-3weeks and we're still going strong (3 years this xmas). if you put in the effort then it'll be fine,but if you don't then you'll break up.it seems to me however that you're quite intent on breaking up with him anyways.

Reply 7

louisedotcom

To be honest I think if you really loved him you wouldnt even be considering breaking up. You would atleast want to give it a go.

When my boyfriend went away to uni last year that was the last thing on our minds, the relationship meant far more to us than the distance (of 4 hours)
At the time we had been together for 3 years, and after completing his first year we are still together.

Its not the most ideal situation in the world, but if both people actually love eachother and want to be togther it will work, simple as.

Reply 8

kasias

I think I'm going to spilt up with my boyfriend before we both go to uni. But we're both mutal on liking each other a huge amount but we both want to be free at uni and we'll be 7 or 8hrs (by train) apart so it's really not possible to visit in a weekend. I don't want to and I really hope we remain friends becuase he's the only person I can open up to easily and I feel so right when I'm around him, but I just have to be free when I go to uni. I know it's our choice but I feel we don't have a choice.

Reply 9

forpolarbears

I'm avoiding the fact I appear to be dating my best friend and am reluctant to initiate actual dating because I'm leaving for university in exactly one week. I don't want to know what we could have because I don't want to try to maintain it, even if I know I'll see him at least once every couple months, which is sure more than we used to. But that's my personal narcissism of long distance relationships mixed with my romantic desire to have it work out in the long run.

edited for freudian slip of long term/long distance, lol

Reply 10

Dagowly

this is a difficult question to answer really. i broke the relationship up at the time when i was at uni as it would have meant going home every weekend to see her and i felt i was missing out on going out with my mates instead. Thing is, you see how bad some people are with it, when they spend most of the evenings on the phone talking rubbish to their other halves or going home first things after lectures on friday just to see them for 2 days. I couldn't do it myself so decided it was best to finish the relationship in order to actually socialise a hell of a lot more and didn't seem a loner.

some relationships work, but some don't. it can be hard on the other person remember, as they have to constantly think whats going on when you're there, who are you meeting? and where are you going? are you being hit on? its a mental roller coaster i really couldn't put anyone through again.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

January Victim

if you put in the effort then it'll be fine,but if you don't then you'll break up.it seems to me however that you're quite intent on breaking up with him anyways.

It's not that I want to break up but, I know how people change at uni and all that stuff; I wouldn't want him to be in a relationship which might potentially end within a few months of me going away.
We would be 3 hours apart during my first year but only 1 hour apart when he goes to uni, and he has offered (he earns a lot of money) to pop down on weekends.

Looking at all your advice I think the best thing to do would be to just wait and see what happens.
He is adamant that he will never love anyone else except me and that I am the most perfect person in the world (it's high up here on this pedestal!!). So I suppose that seeing me change at uni might change or strengthen his opinion.
Waiting and seeing what happens does seem the best thing to do

Thanks for the feedback :smile:

Reply 12

linkin1988

I met my girlfriend while i was at uni, she was taking at year out (same age) We were 2 hours apart, but that didnt stop her coming up every other week for a few days at a time.
Now shes going to a different uni than i am this september, but we've always had that long distance aspect in our relationship and its worked fine.

Fair enough im a little worried that her life will change a bit when she goes to uni, as i've already established my new life, but she re-asures me its going to be fine, and we know we can make it work, because we've been making it work great since i met her.
She'll continue to come up and see me, and i'll go down to see her, we suggested alternate weekends, and anytime we have free. But we already know we can go a few weeks without seeing each other. It almost makes us stonger, as we still speak to each other, and always have fun things todo when we get to meet up, and make an effort of doing new things.

If you want to break up for the freedom, and to let yourself change your life style, maybe suggest just saying you want to see how you life adapts when your at uni, because it will change. Your relationship will survive and you'll make it work if you want to. :smile:

Reply 13

Consie

lol, im glad i got all this out of the way in May.

Reply 14

Becca L

me and my boyfriend have lasted through the first year and also one of my friends relationship lasted but two of my friends didn't because they changed so much that they wanted to be single or someone they really wanted to be with in uni.

Reply 15

username85555

I would break up with him. it won't work for either of you. you need to experience fully the freedom that comes with uni, and begin a social life at uni, and you'll be hurting your boyfriend because he wont understand how you'll be changing.

Reply 16

Anonymous #2

Anon because my girlfriend visits here

I've got the same problem, me and my girlfriend are going to unis about 4 hours away from each other, but the problem is, the way our career paths will go (if we get to do what we want) means that we'll both stay in the cities that we go to uni, so I'm a bit worried about the fact that if we stay together It'll be a permanent long distance relationship, which I don't think will survive.
I honestly think you should consider finishing things, you don't seem happy in your relationship. But I can't really judge that, so do what you think is best.
Good luck

Reply 17

User129003

What is wrong with you people!!

-go to uni relationship free
-pound as many ppl as you can
-find suitable bf from those you have nailed
-happily ever after

Reply 18

linkin1988

lmaonade

What is wrong with you people!!

-go to uni relationship free
-pound as many ppl as you can
-find suitable bf from those you have nailed
-happily ever after

lol. I like your outlook on life... good luck with that... :mute:

People that give advice like above, shouldnt be listened to. Not all replys in this topic should be listened to....

Reply 19

Anonymous #3

Anonymous

It completely depends on your individual relationship. There is no catch-all statement or answer that can tell you what to do.

It is natural to have doubts when thinking about beginning a long distance relationship and what you have to is think about whether those are just general doubts about whether you will survive and how you will cope, or whether this move has actually made you realise that you want/need something different to this relationship. If it is the former then yes - there will be moments when you feel like you can't cope and there will be times when you resent the entire world for the status your relationship has been forced into. A long distance relationship isn't easy. But it sounds to me as if you are having doubts about the relationship itself - you say you would prefer to be single. And you have every right to make that choice. Your boyfriend's attitude of, 'we'll never ever break up' sounds sincere but immature.

But if you are both comitted not just to each other but to the strength of your relationship then it can be done. As I say, it all depends on your relationship. I went to university with a boyfriend I wasn't that serious about and didn't put the effort in. Naturally, it ended. Like you, I needed to allow myself to grow and a boyfriend from school in a relationship that didn't challenge me, didn't allow that. So when I met someone else, of course the first relationship was doomed. Karma, maybe, that this second relationship is now long distance. But this time I'm comitted, sincere and we phone, text, facebook and write letters. It's not the situation we would choose, not by a long shot, but we're putting up with it.

Can you put up with being at university and having a large part of your life in another place? If not, then ending it might be the kindest thing.