Mum isn't letting me move out for university and I really want to.

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    #1

    Right so I live with my mum, my younger brother, her boyfriend and his son and I'm applying to university in a few weeks time. Ever since I told her I wanted to move out for university, she's been putting constant pressure on me to stay at university in my home town. The uni in my hometown is a good university but I absolutely hate everything about it (the campus, the course syllabus) and I'm being pressured to go because I'm eligible for a lower offer and I can easily commute to uni. The reason as to why my mum wants me to stay at home for university is because I saw her do a certain thing when she was married to my dad (whom I haven't spoken to for years) and she's worried I'll find my dad and tell him, because what I know is enough to basically ruin her reputation with her family and friends. She's been trying every single trick in the book and because my relationship with her is a toxic one, I want to cut ties with her.

    My original plan was to apply for unis far away from my hometown but the other day she started saying how she had a right to know where I was applying to for university and that I should stay at home and obey her during uni and then go off for my Masters. I've become even more desperate to leave ever since but I'm fairly nervous on what she'll do if she finds out all of my uni options are well over 2 hours away from my hometown. She's said to me that if I move out, she's not going to help me financially and I'll have to rely on my student loans. She also mentioned (in a fairly happy way) that her salary was going to go up so my student loan wouldn't be that high. I'm planning to call up student finance on results day and tell them I'm going to be estranged but I'm also terrified she'll kick me out of the house, even when she knows I have no place to go.


    What should I do? I'm going to put down unis out of my hometown anyway but I'm nervous on what to do afterwards. I'm considering finding my biological dad and asking him for support.


    And by the way, I don't want lectures on how I must respect my mother and all that because she used to beat me up as a child and she emotionally abuses me on a regular basis. I need genuine advice on how to cut ties with her, what to do if she doesn't react well to me leaving home and being an estranged student.
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    Move out but make sure that the living fees in your university isn't too high. You should cut ties as soon as possible. If you stay you will regret your decision for the next 3 years
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by adil_)
    Move out but make sure that the living fees in your university isn't too high. You should cut ties as soon as possible. If you stay you will regret your decision for the next 3 years
    The university I want to go to is out of London (where I live) and the uni I want to go to is pretty cheap for a student city. I'm worried about where I'll go in the summer holidays and things like that. I don't want to have to constantly worry about money problems throughout university.
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    It's not your mother's choice. It's yours. If you're eighteen by the start of your course and you want to move out she cannot stop you. You need to make sure she realises here that she has no power over you. She can threaten to not help you financially, but doing the things you listed in your post (contact student finance and your dad) is definitely advisable over letting someone think they can control you.*
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    Call childline - 0800 1111
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by sinfonietta)
    It's not your mother's choice. It's yours. If you're eighteen by the start of your course and you want to move out she cannot stop you. You need to make sure she realises here that she has no power over you. She can threaten to not help you financially, but doing the things you listed in your post (contact student finance and your dad) is definitely advisable over letting someone think they can control you.*
    I'm already 18. I could move out but my dad lives in Canada (although he does have a house here) and I think he has a new wife who probably wouldn't like me that much.

    When I tell her she has no power over me, she keeps telling me she's my mother and so she does to an extent.
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    #1

    (Original post by AlexFam)
    Call childline - 0800 1111
    Do they give advice on things like that?
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    in regards to the holidays, some students do stay at uni during those so that option is open to you
    #2

    If you are eighteen, then you are an adult by law and should be free to make your own choices.
    Your mother is behaving in a very tyrannical, selfish way and has not got the right to know where you are applying to go to University.
    If you are still under eighteen, you are still a child though not for long, but regardless of how old you are, you need help in getting free of an abusive parent, help you should be able to get from the University itself, as many Universities offer counselling services - I used one such service myself and found a place to stay, for a while, before leaving the country. You should contact your Dad, plus 2 key University services (1 Counselling and 2, Finances) and explain your situation. Good luck!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Do they give advice on things like that?
    They give advice on anything troubling you. I would strongly advise either calling them or contacting them over the internet because your situation is only going to get worse without real help.
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    You don't really have to go the route of Childline, although it does have its uses - because you are an adult now so old enough to make your own choices in life, be they good or bad ones will largely depend on yourself, lovely.
    Your home environment is a toxic one and it's likely that won't change whether you move to a uni near your hometown or not, but moving further away will enable you to have more freedom, be independent, and your relationship with your mother, if you want one can be on your terms.
    If you give into her, your position at home will worsen, because she will have won, and your life will become even more unbearable.
    Unfortunately, there are times when cutting ties are all we are left with to keep sane. x
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Seamus123)
    You don't really have to go the route of Childline, although it does have its uses - because you are an adult now so old enough to make your own choices in life, be they good or bad ones will largely depend on yourself, lovely.
    Your home environment is a toxic one and it's likely that won't change whether you move to a uni near your hometown or not, but moving further away will enable you to have more freedom, be independent, and your relationship with your mother, if you want one can be on your terms.
    If you give into her, your position at home will worsen, because she will have won, and your life will become even more unbearable.
    Unfortunately, there are times when cutting ties are all we are left with to keep sane. x
    I don't really want to have a relationship with her. I know for a fact she'll get worse gradually so I don't want to stay.


    Do you mind if I PM you?

    (Original post by metalheadgooner)
    in regards to the holidays, some students do stay at uni during those so that option is open to you
    I know most unis allow students to stay at Christmas and Easter but not sure about the summer.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Right so I live with my mum, my younger brother, her boyfriend and his son and I'm applying to university in a few weeks time. Ever since I told her I wanted to move out for university, she's been putting constant pressure on me to stay at university in my home town. The uni in my hometown is a good university but I absolutely hate everything about it (the campus, the course syllabus) and I'm being pressured to go because I'm eligible for a lower offer and I can easily commute to uni. The reason as to why my mum wants me to stay at home for university is because I saw her do a certain thing when she was married to my dad (whom I haven't spoken to for years) and she's worried I'll find my dad and tell him, because what I know is enough to basically ruin her reputation with her family and friends. She's been trying every single trick in the book and because my relationship with her is a toxic one, I want to cut ties with her.

    My original plan was to apply for unis far away from my hometown but the other day she started saying how she had a right to know where I was applying to for university and that I should stay at home and obey her during uni and then go off for my Masters. I've become even more desperate to leave ever since but I'm fairly nervous on what she'll do if she finds out all of my uni options are well over 2 hours away from my hometown. She's said to me that if I move out, she's not going to help me financially and I'll have to rely on my student loans. She also mentioned (in a fairly happy way) that her salary was going to go up so my student loan wouldn't be that high. I'm planning to call up student finance on results day and tell them I'm going to be estranged but I'm also terrified she'll kick me out of the house, even when she knows I have no place to go.


    What should I do? I'm going to put down unis out of my hometown anyway but I'm nervous on what to do afterwards. I'm considering finding my biological dad and asking him for support.


    And by the way, I don't want lectures on how I must respect my mother and all that because she used to beat me up as a child and she emotionally abuses me on a regular basis. I need genuine advice on how to cut ties with her, what to do if she doesn't react well to me leaving home and being an estranged student.


    So your 'dad' is not your biological father?

    She presumably had an affair and doesn't want the rest of her family to find out. Hardly a reason to ruin her own daughter's life smh. She sounds terrible ngl.

    I would use any helplines available to you. I think Student Finance will be able to help if you explain your situation.

    Not having a permanent home in the future could be tough. Do you have supportive friends or other family members you could ask for help?
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    You will make your own new friends at university - good friends you can talk to, and your university will help you. With your situation of being estranged as you are unlikely to be the only one.
    Parents are not perfect. There is no manual for parenting and some are crap at it. Sometimes you can recover from situations, sometimes not. It's not your fault. Move on, lovely.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't really want to have a relationship with her. I know for a fact she'll get worse gradually so I don't want to stay.


    Do you mind if I PM you?



    I know most unis allow students to stay at Christmas and Easter but not sure about the summer.
    Of course, PM me.
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    I think childline is for under 18's but they may not ask. They have changed the website recently and it looks rubbish plus hard to navigate.

    As for OP you have a difficult choice. For me I wouldnt accpet someone controlling me so I could only go to a uni I didnt wnat to and the fact she takes pleasure in exercising that control rather thna wnating whats in your best interest makes it toxic.

    If you put down unis that are further away then she is going to react and you will have to nedure at least a year of disruption as she takes it out on you. Are you prepared to move out to a hostel and break the ties with your mum? She has you by the financial short and curlies. Your dad doesnt seem to be an option either.

    That means I would decide not to apply to uni this year becayse that would mena giving in or warfare.
    I would work hard and get my A levels.

    Alternatively you can do as she wishes.

    I would then cancel UCAS when I had my results and not go local. I would then get a job and work for a year to save money and apply for UCAS the following year, at which time you could leave the faily hime and never return. You would have financial independence then plus go to the uni you intended and she could no longer control you.

    Maybe your dad could help you out.

    To get a better student grant you would need to prove you were estranged from your mum. Talk to SFE.
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    (Original post by sinfonietta)
    It's not your mother's choice. It's yours. If you're eighteen by the start of your course and you want to move out she cannot stop you. You need to make sure she realises here that she has no power over you. She can threaten to not help you financially, but doing the things you listed in your post (contact student finance and your dad) is definitely advisable over letting someone think they can control you.*
    Stupid advice. In this world, no one gives two shits about you other than your parents, and you are prepared to saw off this hand.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by AlexFam)
    They give advice on anything troubling you. I would strongly advice either calling them or contacting them over the internet because your situation is only going to get worse without real help.
    There's a charity which supports estranged students so I may use that instead. Thanks anyway.

    (Original post by stefano865)
    So your 'dad' is not your biological father?
    So she cheated on him and doesn't want the rest of her family to find out. Hardly a reason to ruin her own daughter's life. She sounds terrible ngl.

    I would use any helplines available to you. I think Student Finance will be able to help if you explain your situation.

    Not having a permanent home in the future could be tough. Do you have supportive friends or other family members you could ask for help.
    Nope he is my biological father. She wants to ruin my life because I saw it happen and I still remember it, even though I was a toddler at the time. And she knows if I cut ties I can always tell my grandparents who basically are under the impression she's some angel or something.

    I told her boyfriend what I saw as a toddler and it's got to the point where he wants to leave to but he's staying because he doesn't want me to go through it alone. He said to me if I need help I can come to him but he's fairly old and frail so I don't want to burden him too much My friend's offered to let me stay at hers in the summer but I think she may be on holiday or something :/
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by rambapa)
    Stupid advice. In this world, no one gives two shits about you other than your parents, and you are prepared to saw off this hand.
    Please get off this thread. She doesn't care for me and I want to cut ties. I suggest you cut the BS of ****ging off people who are actually giving decent advice for my situation.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please get off this thread. She doesn't care for me and I want to cut ties. I suggest you cut the BS of ****ging off people who are actually giving decent advice for my situation.
    Look, no one gives a flying fucc about you other than your parents. When you are in A&E at 3 am at night, they will be the only ones to come there.

    The world is not a simple place, neither is it a game, do you have the financial means to support yourself? Everything on this planet needs £££, get some £££ and then start playing boss, if you don't have any £££ right now, shut up and sort out your differences with your mum!

    Behave like an adult, not a child.
 
 
 
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