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Help! I'm Stuck. Final year and still no friends Watch

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    It has been this way since 1st year. I lived in halls but was too nervous to spend time with my house mates which I know hurt. I then tried to make friends with people on my course and joined church but I had no luck. I guess its because I am hard to get to know (I have been told in the past) and don’t have an outgoing personality at least straight away. I take a while to warm up to people. I guess i also pull back from people although i want to be friends with them, because i don’t want to get hurt or because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

    This social anxiety stems back to growing up. I moved out of London to Hertfordshire when I was ten and the new area was mainly white people. In secondary school I was singled out for being black.

    I lost my dad at the end of year 8. I moved to a school where I thought I would be happy as there would be more black people. I was so wrong. I was picked on for being ‘too quiet’. I personally felt that I wasn’t given a chance. The black students were the ones who hurt me the most. There is an expectation that even black people reinforce more than white people, that black people have to be overly loud all the time.

    The worse thing was that I didn’t recognise myself. In my previous school I would describe myself as loud then and as a child in primary school. I guess that I started to change after my dad’s death and started to view the world differently. Looking back now I think I was also scared to be loud and talkative for fear of being obnoxious or too much as I know some of my past friends did think that. I started to view loud people and extraverts in a negative way.

    I felt stuck in the label of ‘quiet’ and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I became awkward, distrustful and irritated by people always expecting to be entertained, expecting an instant bond. I am also ‘pretty’ so I am told so being quiet is seen as ‘stuck up’ or ‘she knows she's pretty’.

    This has since been the story of my life. I will admit that I am no angel, I sometimes said things that offended people out of passive aggression or mere lack of social etiquette.

    I know I need to widen my interests so that I can relate to people better but I feel so overwhelmed with the information available in this world.

    I have tried to join societies in uni, but I always end up leaving cause I don’t fit in. I want to join a society this year that hold various challenges like London to paris bike ride but I don’t want to be on my own.

    I am even distant from my family, I know they know I have no friends and I think they’re disappointed that I don’t have any fun uni stories to tell. I think the feel like they don’t really know me which is sad.

    My future worries me especially impressing employers and the social aspect of working.
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    What do you enjoy doing? Maybe don't look for societies just to relate to people better, find a society that you truly are interested in, then others can start to relate to you instead. Rather than the other way around.

    I see you mentioned about the society about various challenges, but scared to be alone. Everybody is alone in the beginning, and that is where everybody starts to talk to each other and find out more about each other. I say go for it. The things that make you a little intimidated or anxious can sometimes turn out to be very good.

    I was so shy and afraid to sing in front of people, to the point I wouldnt sing for anyone, not even my parents. Then I joined the acapella society, and it was great.
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    You should definitely try the challenge society. I'm sorry you've had trying experiences and I'm also glad that you recognize how you have to some degree contributed to being lonely. I am so sorry about the loss of your father and can it is understandable how that impacted your life. There is nothing wrong with being quiet and honestly I think the most educated people realize that being loud isn't necessarily a good thing. It sounds to me that you have full on social anxiety and I don't think this is something that will be easy for you to change and control on your own. I believe you would benefit from seeing a counselor if at all possible. He/she could give you helpful techniques for dealing with your anxiety and new social situations or job interview. You may have a biological component as well that could be potentially helped with medication. Please go talk to a professional and see if there is something that will be helpful for you dealing with your anxiety. You sound like a really intelligent woman who's got a bright future. Best of luck!
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    If this helps...*

    I have heard a lot about finding your long term friends in university. I have recently graduated from a 4 year course and yes I did have 'friends that I spoke to when I met them in lesson'. But I never made the effort to make friends-friends. After a while you realise that those things really don't matter and it really is just you in the world. On graduation, I spend my day with my parents and didn't have any friends/class mates to even take photos with - and that was okay with me, I like it that way!*
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    (Original post by Hbee800)

    I have tried to join societies in uni, but I always end up leaving cause I don’t fit in. I want to join a society this year that hold various challenges like London to paris bike ride but I don’t want to be on my own.

    I am even distant from my family, I know they know I have no friends and I think they’re disappointed that I don’t have any fun uni stories to tell. I think the feel like they don’t really know me which is sad.

    My future worries me especially impressing employers and the social aspect of working.
    1. By third year it's pretty much set imo as people are focused on their finals.
    2 You have responded well by joining scoieties, but I would urge you that you have to push yourself and stick with them if you wnat to make friends. The first 6-10 meetings cna be awkward, but as you start to recognise who is really going to stick then you do make friends. You needed to push through that period.
    3. You ahve to push yourself to talk to people they dont bute, becayse you realise yourself that you ahve a habit of hiding away. Other members are there to meet people who have the common interest.
    4. Do some voluntary work or carry on with some societies so you cna get used to being with and intereacting with people. That should remove some of the rough edges and stop it coming across in interview or assessment centres. Its just a bit of confidence you need and a realisation that the anxieties and fears you have are false and that a bit if pusbhing out of your comfort zone will increase confidence and make you appreciate the realiyu is not as scary as you thought.
 
 
 
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