Crisis 06 – Cabinet Capture

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    Crisis 06 – Cabinet Capture
    The following takes place between 10 AM and 11 AM.
    Events occur in real time.

    10 : 00 : 00
    The Prime Minister is addressing the Cabinet and delivering a speech on the value of Scotland’s salmon. The only Cabinet member absent from the meeting is the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport due to paternity leave. Just as the Prime Minister is about to produce a chart demonstrating the positive impact on Britain’s trade surplus that salmon has, the doors of the meeting room burst open and thirty armed men wearing masks and carrying guns run in. The Secretary of State for Health faints in shock.

    One of the men, who appears to be in charge, stands on the table and makes the following statement: “We are ‘The Gang’ and we mean business. We have killed all the policemen outside so there won’t be any help for a long time. We’ve also slaughtered Jeff the cameraman. Listen carefully to what I have to say and you might live.” There is the sound of a liquid hitting the floor. All eyes turn towards the corner where Mr. Whiskers is urinating. The closest man to the cat produces a knife and stabs Mr. Whiskers. The cat screeches and a tear rolls down the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions’ cheek. “Please don’t harm us. We’re the good guys here,” the Prime Minister proclaims adamantly. The lead man chuckles and replies, “I don’t care whether you’re a god. What I care about is making dosh and you lot will make my wish come true.” The Secretary of State for Justice shouts: “I forgot to get a parking ticket for my car.” The lead man responds with “I’ll smash up your car later” and he then continues with his address: “we are going to move you all somewhere different now. We all are armed with guns so if you try anything stupid, we’ll kill you. You will walk out of here, turn left and walk along Downing Street until you get to the end. On Richmond Terrace there are four white vans. You will need to get in one of them. If anyone asks who we are, say we are the military and you are coming along to watch a demonstration. Any questions?” “I’ve got a dentist appointment in two hours,” the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs whimpered, “I need to let them know I won’t turn up otherwise they’ll charge me.” The lead man nodded, understanding the situation and allowed the Secretary to call the dentist surgery. After the call, the Cabinet was escorted out of the building by ‘The Gang’.

    10 : 24 : 49
    The Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport is eating a bowl of tangy cheese Doritos when his emergency phone rings whilst watching TV. He mutes Antiques Roadshow and answers the phone. It is his PA Bertha: “Sir, reports are coming in that the entire Cabinet have been kidnapped. We know very few details at the moment but as you are the most senior member of Government who remains, you will need to stand in as Prime Minister.” The Secretary stops eating mid-Dorito and almost drops the phone. “Of course. Blimey. I’ll be at the Department right away.”

    10 : 41 : 01
    The Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport arrives at his department where all his staff are staring intently at the television. Footage of a masked man waving a gun is being played. “I address you, the politicians that remain. We have seized your entire Cabinet, including the Prime Minister. All are well and healthy but they won’t be if you don’t oblige. You may be asking what we want. The answer is very simple – money. You have until the end of the day to pay us £900 billion in cash or we will rupture the rectums of your beloved politicians so badly that they will not be able to serve again. I hope I make myself very clear.”

    The Secretary turns to his PA and asks “do you know who these people are?” Bertha shakes her head and replies: “we can only guess at the moment. MI5 have tried to track the location of the Cabinet but to no avail. At Downing Street, one of the Cabinet members was left and is in a critical condition.” “Thank goodness they spared someone.” “Or somecat as the case may be.” The Secretary sighed in frustration; he was not amused.

    10 : 47 : 14
    All of a sudden, a grenade is hurled into the room. Whilst his colleagues are staring and picking, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport hurls himself through the window just as the grenade detonates. Everyone in the building dies. The Secretary limps away from the smoking building and calls for a taxi.

    10 : 59 : 56
    The Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport decides to skip medical treatment and instead make an official statement. After the statement, he realises that in this extreme hostage situation, delaying a decision is simply not an option. On behalf of the Government, he decides that he will attempt to solve the crisis by…

    10 : 59 : 57
    10 : 59 : 58
    10 : 59 : 59
    11 : 00 : 00
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    tl;dr?
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    (Original post by Life_peer)
    tl;dr?
    Mr Whiskers is dead, Minister Prime. Arrange a funeral for him?
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    oh.

    my.

    god.

    :toofunny:
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    This reads like some really bad action movie.
    And who in the CC likes playing with The Prime Minister's rectum so much?!
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    *Foreign Secretary uses the crisis to launch a leadership bid claiming that it is evidence that we are not safe. He can be heard saying "We will make the UK safe again, we will make the UK great again!" (hears thunderous applause).
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    (Original post by Aph)
    This reads like some really bad action movie.
    And who in the CC likes playing with The Prime Minister's rectum so much?!
    That's because it's supposed to, it's intended to be like an episode of 24, it's also worth nothing that a certain Uzer wrote this, nobody even had anything positive to say, and then unilaterally asked for publication despite this Uzer being Unown to the chair of the Chair. The fact that this is basically the third effectively identical crisis in a row and it's hard to believe people still think that the CC should be a thing.
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    (Original post by Jammy Duel)
    That's because it's supposed to, it's intended to be like an episode of 24, it's also worth nothing that a certain Uzer wrote this, nobody even had anything positive to say, and then unilaterally asked for publication despite this Uzer being Unown to the chair of the Chair. The fact that this is basically the third effectively identical crisis in a row and it's hard to believe people still think that the CC should be a thing.
    With a crisis like this one, hopefully people might see the light and realising disbanding the CC makes sense.
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    (Original post by Jammy Duel)
    That's because it's supposed to, it's intended to be like an episode of 24, it's also worth nothing that a certain Uzer wrote this, nobody even had anything positive to say, and then unilaterally asked for publication despite this Uzer being Unown to the chair of the Chair. The fact that this is basically the third effectively identical crisis in a row and it's hard to believe people still think that the CC should be a thing.
    Even I don't think it should be a thing any more. It was a good idea but literally no one cares enough for it to be done well, and if it's not done well there's no point in it
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    I like it, can we ban the government from playing the "I'm not responding because it could never happen" card

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    (Original post by toronto353)
    With a crisis like this one, hopefully people might see the light and realising disbanding the CC makes sense.
    And the last one
    And the one before that
    And the second one
    And the first one

    In fact, only 1/6 has actually been sensible, and 3 have been basically the same, arguably even 4.

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    I would be fascinated to learn how this terrorist intends on rupturing the PMs rectum, I think I speak for everyone when I say we've been eager to hear the backstory

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    Secretary of State for Health is a wimp it seems.

    I'm saying this is a coup gone wrong by the Culture Secretary. The whole cabinet is kidnapped and he just happens to not be there? He organised this situation of course.
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    Um, ok.... :/
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    I'm genuinely not going to read another one of UU's wet dreams but is it really true that none of the other CC members agreed to submit this? Can he make up and submit a crisis alone, Saracen's Fez?
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    So does UU dream of doing LP up the rear?
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    (Original post by Airmed)
    Mr Whiskers is dead, Minister Prime. Arrange a funeral for him?
    It doesn't explicitly say he died.
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    (Original post by Aph)
    So does UU dream of doing LP up the rear?
    Quite ironic, given their anti-buggery law proposals.
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    (Original post by Quamquam123)
    It doesn't explicitly say he died.
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    This was written by Quamquam123, by the way.
 
 
 
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