Clingy, weird and lonely "friend" who I don't like either.

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Original post by GonvilleBromhead

And there goes any sympathy anyone might have had. Its exactly this attitude that has put you in this situation, all this 'oh aren't I such a nice person I talked to a kid who is clearly struggling to make friends' and probably feels like his life sucks because of it so is looking to you because you're the only person who isn't unkind to him - at least to his face - you let your friends bully him because you're too much of a damn coward to tell them to stop being such d!cks in case you aren't BFF's anymore or whatever stupid term people use these days.

He obviously has some sort of issue whether its obvious or not - that is not normal social behavior and you know it which is why this thread exists presumably, nobody who has full faculties concerning social interactions behaves like that and yeah those sorts of people are hard to deal with, i used to have a friend with severe ADHD and keeping him out of trouble felt like a full time career but I'd never dislike him because of his problems or try to shake him off because he's making my life awkward. This whole jumped up attitude 'oh let me rephrase' and all this 'should attempt to read next time' is your exact problem, you came on here for advice to get rid of a kid with social issues and dislike people taking a bad view of that. You're year ten so what fifteen? Something like that, you know absolutely nothing about anything. You actually know less than nothing because people your age are always so damn convinced they're right despite having no clue about the world in any way - you're the sort of age where people think they're Al Capone because they smoked a cigarette they stole from their dad behind the bike shed.

I'm not trying to be overly harsh but I mean seriously, how can you take this sort of attitude with people to whom you've turned for advice no less. You know this kid is bullied, he clearly isnt happy, you let your friends bully him and now you're trying to shake him off because he's inconveniencing you. The only response you've given a nice and reasonable reply to is one where you're called a 'lovely person' and that says everything doesn't it - you won't even consider the notion maybe you're being a bit nasty to the poor kid. As for 'I dont even let my friends touch me' so what? You have different relationships with different people, it sounds like he's trying as he stopped slouching on you or whatever it was. Its not all about you, this kind of attitude is the reason we have so many people with problems. Why not help him make some more friends? Show him how to do it, help him be socially competent? Tell him to go up to one of his old friends and join in with that group? It doesn't take a lot of effort. It isn't about you in this case, get your friends to help you - even if its just to shift him off at least you aren't leaving him with absolutely nobody. Granted its hard with the 'weirdos' and were I year 10 I'd have a hard time not just wanting rid but there is clearly some sort of problem with this kid and maybe you could try to make his life better rather than worse?

I'm quoting this because this guy is right.

I used to be socially awkward, but I grew out of it.

Reply 21

999tigger

Original post by MaSharKo

Hi everyone. I'm MaSharKo and this is my first time on here asking a question, so bear with me.

I have this "friend" at school; let's call him Thomas for example.

I have lots of friends who really care about me, we share lots of things in common and we have been friends since the middle of year 7, and now we are all in year 10. However, there is this guy called Thomas who is the typical guy who gets bullied at school. He plays with Pokemon cards, he is really spotty, not into sport and socially unaware of everything. Basically, those "nerd" characters in cartoons set in schools.

At lunchtimes and breaktimes, he used to hang out with a group of people inside the canteen who all played card games with each other. Stuff like Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon, so obviously from the very beginning he was an easy target for bullies. Not that I am saying that he is wrong for playing those games, I just think it's really childish. Anyway, his group of friends recently stopped playing that card games, and as a result they started hanging out with new people. This left Thomas, who could never really make friends.

Two weeks ago, I saw him stand outside at lunchtime, looking really lonely. I invited him to sit with my friends and I, which he gladly accepted. None of my friends like him, some even bully him, and frankly I blame some of Thomas's social problems on them. However... I am becoming like them too.

Ever since I invited him to sit with me, he won't leave me alone. He asks me really awkward questions, like "Are we friends?" all the time. One time, I avoided him throughout the day and at the end of lunchtime he found me, came up to me and said "Oh, I didn't see you all day - did you miss me?"

At that point, I knew I had a problem.

You see, out all of my friends, I'm the kindest. My friends laugh at Thomas, while I always tried to be nice to him, but now he acts like we are best friends. He tries to walk home with me, he follows me around school, he tries to start random conversations with me for no reason, and worst of all he doesn't understand personal space!

He has a really annoying habit of physically touching me on the arm and shoulder. Sometimes he will come up behind me and put his hand around my neck and slouch on me! I don't let my normal friends do that to me, never mind him! At first, I ignored this, and then brought up the problem with my friends. They say they are all noticing his habit and are making jokes about it, saying how he is a "loner" with no friends. But I am no better either, as I also make jokes about him now. I always try to treat others how I want to be treated, but Thomas is so unbelievable annoying and weird!

Anyone have any solutions on how to distance my self away from this person? He is really, really, really CLINGY! He asked one of my really close friends this:
"Do you think me and MaSharko(Well, not MaSharKo, but my real name) are best friends?"
He is so awkward, he has NO social skill and follows me around like a dog!

Tbf you dont come across much better than your friends. Hardly surpising considering your age though and its commendable you did an initail kind thing, but the rest is just weak by you.

Its probably best if you had a word with him and just pointed out the issues you have, what he can and cant do, how far behind you he has to walk, speak when not spoken to, that you have a right to make jokes behind his back etc

You should then get into less conflict. Poor kid I hope he finds some better friends who cna treat him with a bit of respect.

Reply 22

username1921011

Original post by MaSharKo

I didn't read the whole thing, so I'm sorry if I make a mistake or something, but I feel like you didn't read the whole of my story either.
I feel like utter crap whenever I think of that kid. My friends bully him, but not to his face. That doesn't make it any better though, in fact it might even make it worse, but Thomas is unaware of this. He just thinks that I am his best friend.

I tell them to stop being mean, but I don't try hard enough. I'm a d!ck and you are right. But I don't want to be. At least, not anymore. And when I go back to school after this weekend I'm going to give my friends a piece of my mind. I want Thomas to fit in at school.
And you are probably right about the age thing. I'm actually 14, and I agree that kids my age feel like they know everything. But I came here for some help. I asked my mum what I should do, and she said that I should continue being kind, as you I wouldn't like to be in his steps, even if I don't actually like him. I tried that, but that made him cling onto me even more, which I didn't want.

Thats much more reasonable, people normally do just phrase things badly it just annoys me because I've seen what bullying does to people, I got suspended twice for stopping it (go UK schooling system).

You don't want him holding on, thats entirely reasonable - though we are meant to help these sorts of people can be frustrating (not of their own fault but especially at your age thats not a consideration as much). My best advice is to try to encourage him to socialise with others, if you can teach him how to get in with other groups it'll take maybe a week? Get him to go talk to his old friends and to join in with them, be there for him but at a distance - you're his friend not his carer. Just tell your friends to knock it off whilst you try and help him, he does have an issue (a member of my family is a child psychologist and support worker so trust me) and it'd be better for all concerned if you give him a little boost. He drew a bad lot, at school being like that is terrible people like that get picked on all the time - just don't be one of the people making him feel worse.

14-18 everyone knows everything. Then they leave school and realise they know nothing XD. Your mum will probably get you your first part time job and you'll realise when you come home and ask her to sort them out when they are being unfair - like you did at school - that after they say 'we haven't employed you mind your own' that the world is nothing like academia. Always be mindful that there is a lot more to be learned, don't close up and ignore stuff because it doesn't fit what you think. I know I sound like a life coach but I feel i should make up for being a bit blunt with you - remember your mum is right to a degree, be nice, but try to get him to be independent. You can say 'hey' in the corridor but you don't want him around you the whole time which is entirely understandable. You meant well to start with - consider why you tried in the first place, you're lucky. You have friends, you're enjoying life for the most part. He goes home, no fb messages, no texts, nobody to talk to but his family, never goes out, thats got to suck. Give him the skills to make friends, they dont have to be best friends, just people he can talk to, you said you shouted at him for doing weird stuff before - why not explain why its wrong and what he could do instead? You see what i'm getting at?

Reply 23

Eternalflames

Original post by oShahpo

I used to be that kid for a while. Life turned out awesome for me though :biggrin:

To be honest, I would not have learned social appropriateness if it wasn't for my best friend who taught me stuff like "not to follow people around" and so on.
Be a nice person and talk to him about it, not us. Teach him that what he's doing is not socially appropriate and will only alienate him. Teach him how to be cool. I am sure coming out of it you will see that not only you've taught him something, but also your own personal skills will have improved by facing this situation and not running away from it. If you still can't face it, try speaking to a teacher who could possibly talk to him.

^^This!

OP you need to tell him when he's being weird, he doesn't realise it at all. If you don't tell him he'll never learn.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 24

user382

Be strong and don't just go with the herd.

You don't have to like him but try to be sympathetic and kind. He is probably autistic.

Reply 25

SpindlesTheBerry

When I was in year 7 I had a similar situation. A guy was in all my classes and was bullied a lot for being chubby and a little weird. He was really clingy to me at first, and my friends were dicks to him as well. But I stood up for him, stayed friends with him and it's been hugely rewarding for me. At first I came under fire along with him because of standing up for him, but now in year 11 we're good friends and he's learnt some better social skills and become a well respected person in my year.

Long story short:
-Be his friend
-Tell him when he's being weird
-Stand up for him
-It'll pay off in the end

Reply 26

jessyjellytot14

Invite him round for a sleepover and get to know him better.

Reply 27

fatiana

im not 100% sure about this but..
i think he's clingy because from what you're saying, he was alone for a very long time, and since you invited him, it's like he can't believe he finally has a friend to talk to, and all the time he spent wishing he had a friend to tell them about his and that, hes probably wanting to say them all now that he does have a friend
if i were you, i would try my best to be patient with him, and after a while, hint from time to time about the stuff you dont like
hint, not say, as this could hurt him alot
eg
the personal space thing, if he does put his arm around your neck or basically does anything you're uncomfortable with, just tell him that you dont like it because you feel strangled
say it in a way where you're sure he won't get offended
but overall, this Thomas guy may change after a little patience, less clingy and that stuff

Reply 28

Anonymous #1

something like this happened to me once lol but let me tell you what to do
basically i agree with all the other comments that this lad has socialising issues and this leads him to act differently in relationships, most likely because he's never been in this type of relationship before (friendship). He probably feels that if he doesn't display his appreciativeness day to day to you guys then he will probably lose you, which is obviously not what he wants as he strives for friendship of course, his life's experiences so far in school have lead him to this. therefore he is going to display his affection to you guys in the ways you described - touching you in weird ways such as stroking your shoulder and wrapping his arm round your neck to show you he likes you, laughing really loud at jokes with your friends to show them he is part of the group and understands you all, and also following you to show, again, his loyalty to you and the group.
what you need to do is make him feel he is part of the group and give him the understanding and mindset that he is part of you lot. as you said you want him to fit in. so you could do this by allowing him to have an opinion whilst having a conversation in the group about something. be like 'thomas what do you think' or 'what about you how was your weekend' subtle stuff like this. also tell your friends to go easy on him for a bit, maybe one to two weeks? if they stop laughing at him and actually treat him as he is part of them, maybe he will feel that he doesn't need to prove his friendship to you, which he converts through following you and stroking you etc. make sure its natural you know. it takes time don't be impatient, from the way you say things you seem really determined to help this guy out :smile:

don't give your friends 'a piece of your mind' either, they are used to making fun of him so may find it awkward when he tries to hang out with you lot.
and if it doesn't work out then find him new friends

Reply 29

Futurebright17

Original post by MaSharKo

It was really kind of you to take him under your wing I believe if he behaves inappropriately and lacks social skills it could be that his parents haven't helped him by introducing him to new experiences or even talking to him!
We are ally silly/wacky at times but not all the time.You know you have to be honest with him and tell him the things that he does that you don't like ( don't get out a bit list!)
we can't put our friends in cotton wool it just means they fail to correct the traits that isolate them. I feel sometimes as people we have to dial it down a notch without changing ourselves it's possible