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What's wrong with me?

    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hey, so I'm 18 yo male and just moved into uni about 2 weeks ago. I've never had a girlfriend, nor have I ever done anything with a girl - never kissed a girl etc. obviously never had sex.

    I went to sixth form at my secondary school, so I knew everyone there, but I was really looking forward to going to uni and meeting new people, where people don't know me so I don't feel I need to be/act in a certain way.

    Obviously freshers is meant to be prime time for "pulling", and I was hoping to experience this too. But as the week went on I just saw so many around me getting lucky, while I standby and watch.

    I don't understand how I've never even been close to being with a girl. I'm trying to figure out what the problem is - if it's my appearance or my personality. I'm not ugly, but also not the most attractive. I'm not very tall (5'10), skinny, and also look very young, which is something I hate and feel self-conscious about especially here at uni (people walking round with beards etc. feel like a little kid). I know people might say that I'm putting too much emphasis on looks, but honestly the longer I stay at uni the more I realise how much people care about physical appearance. So many conversations are based around how hot a guy or girl is - so I have to believe that my lack of success is at least partly due to the way I look.

    Personality wise I'm not particularly outgoing, but wouldn't consider myself socially awkward. I am quite reserved, don't like dancing etc so clubs aren't really my thing, but I know how to hold a conversation. I guess my sense of humour is kind of dry humour, but I occasionally I can make people laugh.

    I hear people around me talking about how they "pulled" last night, or talking about their girlfriends - these are people who I wouldn't really consider more attractive than me, so I'm always left thinking "why you and not me?".

    The fact I've never had a girlfriend/had sex hasn't really bothered me that much before, I understand it isn't everything, but as you can imagine I do want to experience these things. I'm starting to get a bit frustrated by it now, because I can't understand what it is about me that makes me so apparently undesirable. One thing is that I VERY much do not want to come off as creepy/desperate. Sometimes I think that I go so far the other way in trying to not show any interest - for fear of rejection/seen to be "trying to pull"- that I may be screwing myself. I just don't have it in me to seduce a girl or whatever - I'd much rather talk casually with them first and be friendly. Maybe this is part of the problem?

    My flatmates talk about their previous relationships/having sex and I can't relate in any way. I just nod and laugh along but have nothing to share.

    Sorry for the rant, I mainly just wanted to get this off my chest, and maybe someone can tell me what is or isn't wrong with me haha.

    P.S. This post sounds very negative, while I am a bit down about this, I'm not depressed or anything. I still go about my daily life happily enough, have hobbies etc. but occasionally this really gets to me.

    Thanks.
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    Hey, don't worry there is nothing wrong with you. I know a lot of people in their 20s that haven't lost their virginity, it's all cool. No one really cares. Maybe it's just a freshers thing and you're all trying to suss each other out, just remember that some of them might be exaggerating and not telling the truth. Don't worry about it at all, it will definitely happen when it happens. I had the same problem as you a couple of years ago. Best not to think about it so much, the cool stuff always happens when you least expect it.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by imherpacifier)
    Hey, don't worry there is nothing wrong with you. I know a lot of people in their 20s that haven't lost their virginity, it's all cool. No one really cares. Maybe it's just a freshers thing and you're all trying to suss each other out, just remember that some of them might be exaggerating and not telling the truth. Don't worry about it at all, it will definitely happen when it happens. I had the same problem as you a couple of years ago. Best not to think about it so much, the cool stuff always happens when you least expect it.
    Yeah I guess you're right.

    One of the problems is I'm really worried I'll have no idea what to do when it does happen
    #2

    Hey mate, first of all, again nothing wrong with being a virgin. It's not a big deal, and I also don't think that it influences the fact that you aren't getting lucky.

    I'm also sure it's not down to your looks if you say you aren't completely ugly haha. In fact, I've seen not-so-attractive guys score plenty, because it's more down to confidence and personality.

    As a side note, though, it may be the way you dress. Though this isn't necessarily the case (especially as I do not know how you dress), it could play a role as I'm fairly sure women pay attention to what you wear (at the very least to the extent that if you're dressed ridiculously it will be off putting. If you think this may be something to look into, get yourself some nice new clothes (nice button down shirts or plain tees, jeans/chinos etc, whatever you like). You may even find that updating your wardrobe and creating a new look for yourself will boost your confidence. If you're interested in that, try having a look at the Male Fashion Advice subreddit.

    Now aside from looks/clothing, the main thing is probably personality. It's great that you can hold a conversation - but make sure you use that. You're gonna have to be quite outgoing, not much room for being reserved because girls are unlikely to come to you and make the move (after all, you know how nerve wracking it is).

    So, make sure to approach women and start conversations (no cheesy pick up lines or insults or anything that internet 'pick up artists' might tell you to use) - just introduce yourself, ask questions, be engaging. Being witty/playful helps as it'll make people remember you as good fun.

    Even if you do this though, you'll probably just be able to make plenty of friends. There does need to be some romantic/sexual element to your interactions, otherwise you're just a new, platonic friend. By this I don't mean start grabbing girls and being a creep, keep it natural. As in, don't get bashful if sex comes up as a topic (whether as a dirty joke or as an actual conversation) - laugh along with it, or be open. It's okay to show a girl you find her physically attractive with a sincere compliment (again, not by walking up to her and grabbing her/saying she has a nice ass).

    Also (and more importantly I'd say) there needs to be some physical aspect. You can't just go directly from talking to sex (usually, anyway.) There would need to be a build up i.e. talking --> touching --> kissing --> sex. It's quite easy to be naturally physical without being pushy or creepy. Handshakes, hugs, arm on/around someone's shoulder, a light touch on arm during conversation, in club scenarios leaning in to talk. And finally, a lot of the guys you see getting lucky also made the plunge and went for the kiss when they felt the mood was right. If you don't do this at all (or maybe even if you just wait too long) the moment will pass.

    So, you just need to assess the situation to see if the atmosphere is right (usually you will have created the atmosphere through friendly/flirty and interesting conversation + light touching) and then just go for it. You will be rejected plenty probably, and that's fine, just honestly say you misread the signals and then respect that she's not interested.

    I hope that helps
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I guess you're right.

    One of the problems is I'm really worried I'll have no idea what to do when it does happen
    You will! It just happens and you will know what to do. If something silly or awkward happens you just laugh it off. You'll be fine.
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    I reckon you need to learn how to flirt with girls. If you google it there should be loads of advice like everywhere 😂😂
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    I can't really add anything substantial to this topic, as I'm pretty much in the same boat as you bar the fact I have had girlfriends before.

    Honestly, I'd take the opportunity at uni to enjoy life and improve upon yourself. Develop the skills/knowledge you will need later on in life. You do sound like a pretty cool guy, so I'm sure you will find opportunities eventually.
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    Lack of confidence I'd imagine. You shouldn't be making assumptions though, there's nothing wrong with you. Just forget about all that and enjoy your university experience
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    Scarcely had a girlfriend before my 20's, when I transformed into a bit of a ladykiller. Things take time, relish the journey
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Cheers all, appreciate the serious and useful replies. Feeling better about it now.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey mate, first of all, again nothing wrong with being a virgin. It's not a big deal, and I also don't think that it influences the fact that you aren't getting lucky.

    I'm also sure it's not down to your looks if you say you aren't completely ugly haha. In fact, I've seen not-so-attractive guys score plenty, because it's more down to confidence and personality.

    As a side note, though, it may be the way you dress. Though this isn't necessarily the case (especially as I do not know how you dress), it could play a role as I'm fairly sure women pay attention to what you wear (at the very least to the extent that if you're dressed ridiculously it will be off putting. If you think this may be something to look into, get yourself some nice new clothes (nice button down shirts or plain tees, jeans/chinos etc, whatever you like). You may even find that updating your wardrobe and creating a new look for yourself will boost your confidence. If you're interested in that, try having a look at the Male Fashion Advice subreddit.

    Now aside from looks/clothing, the main thing is probably personality. It's great that you can hold a conversation - but make sure you use that. You're gonna have to be quite outgoing, not much room for being reserved because girls are unlikely to come to you and make the move (after all, you know how nerve wracking it is).

    So, make sure to approach women and start conversations (no cheesy pick up lines or insults or anything that internet 'pick up artists' might tell you to use) - just introduce yourself, ask questions, be engaging. Being witty/playful helps as it'll make people remember you as good fun.

    Even if you do this though, you'll probably just be able to make plenty of friends. There does need to be some romantic/sexual element to your interactions, otherwise you're just a new, platonic friend. By this I don't mean start grabbing girls and being a creep, keep it natural. As in, don't get bashful if sex comes up as a topic (whether as a dirty joke or as an actual conversation) - laugh along with it, or be open. It's okay to show a girl you find her physically attractive with a sincere compliment (again, not by walking up to her and grabbing her/saying she has a nice ass).

    Also (and more importantly I'd say) there needs to be some physical aspect. You can't just go directly from talking to sex (usually, anyway.) There would need to be a build up i.e. talking --> touching --> kissing --> sex. It's quite easy to be naturally physical without being pushy or creepy. Handshakes, hugs, arm on/around someone's shoulder, a light touch on arm during conversation, in club scenarios leaning in to talk. And finally, a lot of the guys you see getting lucky also made the plunge and went for the kiss when they felt the mood was right. If you don't do this at all (or maybe even if you just wait too long) the moment will pass.

    So, you just need to assess the situation to see if the atmosphere is right (usually you will have created the atmosphere through friendly/flirty and interesting conversation + light touching) and then just go for it. You will be rejected plenty probably, and that's fine, just honestly say you misread the signals and then respect that she's not interested.

    I hope that helps
    Thanks mate. Clothing wise I bought a load of clothes before coming to uni. Looked at mfa briefly, but basically I dress very conservatively - never like wearing anything even slightly "out there". So basically jeans, a jumper or sweatshirt in a neutral colour and a pair of vans or converse. Not sure what else I can wear honestly lol. One thing I wish is that I could grow a beard, but can't change that.

    Yeah but basically if I see a girl I thinks attractive my hope is that she will somehow just end up talking to me. I never do anything to initiate, because as I said I find the idea people might think I'm trying to get with the girl embarrassing or I come off as creepy- stupid I know. I guess thinking about it that's obviously part of the problem haha.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey mate, first of all, again nothing wrong with being a virgin. It's not a big deal, and I also don't think that it influences the fact that you aren't getting lucky.

    I'm also sure it's not down to your looks if you say you aren't completely ugly haha. In fact, I've seen not-so-attractive guys score plenty, because it's more down to confidence and personality.

    As a side note, though, it may be the way you dress. Though this isn't necessarily the case (especially as I do not know how you dress), it could play a role as I'm fairly sure women pay attention to what you wear (at the very least to the extent that if you're dressed ridiculously it will be off putting. If you think this may be something to look into, get yourself some nice new clothes (nice button down shirts or plain tees, jeans/chinos etc, whatever you like). You may even find that updating your wardrobe and creating a new look for yourself will boost your confidence. If you're interested in that, try having a look at the Male Fashion Advice subreddit.

    Now aside from looks/clothing, the main thing is probably personality. It's great that you can hold a conversation - but make sure you use that. You're gonna have to be quite outgoing, not much room for being reserved because girls are unlikely to come to you and make the move (after all, you know how nerve wracking it is).

    So, make sure to approach women and start conversations (no cheesy pick up lines or insults or anything that internet 'pick up artists' might tell you to use) - just introduce yourself, ask questions, be engaging. Being witty/playful helps as it'll make people remember you as good fun.

    Even if you do this though, you'll probably just be able to make plenty of friends. There does need to be some romantic/sexual element to your interactions, otherwise you're just a new, platonic friend. By this I don't mean start grabbing girls and being a creep, keep it natural. As in, don't get bashful if sex comes up as a topic (whether as a dirty joke or as an actual conversation) - laugh along with it, or be open. It's okay to show a girl you find her physically attractive with a sincere compliment (again, not by walking up to her and grabbing her/saying she has a nice ass).

    Also (and more importantly I'd say) there needs to be some physical aspect. You can't just go directly from talking to sex (usually, anyway.) There would need to be a build up i.e. talking --> touching --> kissing --> sex. It's quite easy to be naturally physical without being pushy or creepy. Handshakes, hugs, arm on/around someone's shoulder, a light touch on arm during conversation, in club scenarios leaning in to talk. And finally, a lot of the guys you see getting lucky also made the plunge and went for the kiss when they felt the mood was right. If you don't do this at all (or maybe even if you just wait too long) the moment will pass.

    So, you just need to assess the situation to see if the atmosphere is right (usually you will have created the atmosphere through friendly/flirty and interesting conversation + light touching) and then just go for it. You will be rejected plenty probably, and that's fine, just honestly say you misread the signals and then respect that she's not interested.

    I hope that helps
    Thanks mate. Clothing wise I bought a load of clothes before coming to uni. Looked at mfa briefly, but basically I dress very conservatively - never like wearing anything even slightly "out there". So basically jeans, a jumper or sweatshirt in a neutral colour and a pair of vans or converse. Not sure what else I can wear honestly lol. One thing I wish is that I could grow a beard, but can't change that.

    Yeah but basically if I see a girl I thinks attractive my hope is that she will somehow just end up talking to me. I never do anything to initiate, because as I said I find the idea people might think I'm trying to get with the girl embarrassing or I come off as creepy- stupid I know. I guess thinking about it that's obviously part of the problem haha.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    No idea why that posted twice
 
 
 
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