well my grandad is soon to die and naturally my whole family is devastated. hes my dad's dad and my dad is very down at the moment hes trying to be strong but for me im crying all the time and im finding it difficult to keep the tears in. my mum said that when my grandad goes my grandma will be next cos shell be devastated losing her loved one. but Ive never experienced anyone dieing before and i dont know how to cope. i feel empty inside and i cant stop crying. any advice
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- Thread Starter
- 12-08-2007 23:30
- 12-08-2007 23:36
Do you think your grandad wants his last memories to be ones of you in tears?
Put on a brave face and mourn after he's gone. It's not a great experience, but it's perfectly bearable with the right frame of mind. Remember the good memories of him and be happy for the life he's lead. If you're religious, perhaps you might find solace there. Else, take comfort that you will always have your memories of him.
- 13-08-2007 01:08
Both of my granddad's died before I was even born, but both my nan and grandma are still alive and it's been around 18/19 years. She'll be devestated yes but that doesnt necessarily mean she'll be next.
My uncle died 2 years ago, and we all knew it was going to happen (he was an alcoholic, only 50). I'd only known him really for 18 months, as we didn't really keep in touch before he was first admitted to hospital (and that was only because he told the nurses he wanted my mum (his sister)there). Every chance I had I would go and see him in hospital, one reason because no-one else seemed to visit him and two because I hardly knew him and wanted to get to know him before he did die. The thing I'm trying to get at here is that even though you're bound to be upset, you gotta put on a brave face and treasure the time he has got left. As Nix! said, mourn after he's gone. You know about it, so you can use the time left to spend time with him and so have memories of happy times. If it was unexpected, it would be worse because you wouldnt have the time to spend time with him.
I know it's hard, but you've gotta try and make the best of a bad situation. There's no written way of how to cope, people cope in different ways. It sounds like you're a very close knit family, and so you'll be able to help each other, you'll be able to talk about all the good times you each had with him. With me, the rest of the family (my mums/uncles brothers and sisters), we're not that close at all, hardly see them, never ever see or speak to my grandma, and so didn't have that support.
Not sure if that'll help, but I'm around if you want to talk or anything.
- 13-08-2007 01:27
I went through a similar thing recently, my grandad died last week having been very ill, we all really saw it coming. All you can do is what other people have said and try and be strong for your parents, they're obviously going through a rough time as well and you should make the most of the time you have left with him; I hadn't seen my grandad a year before he died, he lives really far away and when we tried to visit, he said he didn't want us to see him in the state he was in - so whilst I was upset I hadn't seen him for ages before, I was happy that it was what he wanted I suppose. Remember the good times with him, and if it helps talk to a friend or other relative about it, they will know best how you will be able to deal with the situation and hopefully be able to provide you with comfort.
I'm usually rubbish at this kind of thing, I hope it vaguely helps
- 13-08-2007 14:08
The idea that your grandma will soon follow your grandad is understandable but not necessarily true - and there is little good in thinking like that, sweetie.
My grandma died a couple of years ago, unexpectedly, and she'd been married to grandad for over 60 years - she always looked after him, did all the paperwork, cooked every meal...had done for all those decades. I was worried about how he'd cope. As it is, he's a new man - does *everything* himself, is fiercely independent, cooks for everyone all the time, has made new friends and sees them regularly, does loads of exercise, goes on holiday (they never really used to) - this man is 90 and amazing! Don't wish them away.
A good way to cope might be to chat to them. There will be loads about your grandparents that you don't know - ask them questions, find stuff out, ask them to tell you their stories. They will like sharing, and it'll connect you to them. Don't let grief separate you from them while they're alive - make the most of them.
Lots of hugs & best wishes.
- 13-08-2007 14:38
I went through this recently with an uncle and I know exactly how you feel. The best thing you can try and do is to stay strong for him and your gran, this will help you too. I know this will seem difficult but it's suprising how strong people can be when they need to be. However, you have to think about yourself to and you really need to find a friend that you can just cry and let yourself go, eat chocolate and talk about your grandad with. They really can become a tower of strength.. Try and control your emotion for your family but 'look after' yourself with a friend. This is what I did and it seemed to help me... although it's completly natural to be in awful pain, and all you can do is ease it and remember he's going to be out of any pain/fear he is experiencing. I hope you're ok hun.
- 13-08-2007 17:21
My boyfriend died of cancer last year and so although thats not quite the same as a grandparent I think I can sympathise.
On the whole I agree with what people have said but I think one thing is wrong and that is people saying you have to be strong until your grandad's gone. It is well known that when we know someone is going to die people suffer anticipatory grief. When my boyfriend was ill I often felt annoyed at feeling upset and spent the whole time putting on this front and trying to be strong.
There is nothing wrong with not being strong the whole time and occasionally breaking down.
Make sure you get to spend the quality time you want with your grandad and don't avoid opportunities of seeing him just cos you're worried about being upset. But at the same time when you're home don't be afraid to be upset. It's natural and whilst it feels really horrid at the time it does get easier.
If it's hard talking to your family because they're also upset, try approaching friends who should be there for you. I hope it gets easier and if it helps post here as much as you need. Louise x