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You're through to 999

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    Hello and welcome to the UKs national emergency helpline. Due to government cuts, changes are being made to the way the emergency services are run. From now on the 999 service will mostly be automated. We are also typically very busy at any given time so to help us get to you as soon as possible, please listen to all of the following options carefully before choosing:

    Press 1 if your about to be, or are currently being murdered
    Press 2 if your being mugged or robbed at gun point
    Press 3 if your house or shed is being burgled
    Press 4 if your having a stroke or heart attack
    Press 5 if your drowning
    Press 6 if you believe you have been bitten by something venemous
    Press 7 if you have been bitten by a shark
    Press 8 if you have been involved in a mountain biking or climbing accident
    Press 9 if you have found a terrorist
    Press 10 if your currently unconscious

    For all other emergencies, or to speak to a trained operator scream HELP after you here the tone.
    *Please note; lines are open Monday to Thursday between 06:00-17:00 and Friday between 07:00 -12:30.
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    For the love of god...

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    All of 'em. Shame it's a Saturday. Oh, btw, shall I do it? Yh, probably best... "HELP!"
 
 
 
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