The Student Room Group

Confused about how i feel and what i should do...

ok, this is quite a long story to get all the details in correct.

so anyway, i've been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years and we are really close and tell each other everything and my we lost our virginity to each other and stuff so he's pretty special to me. I've just come back from the world scout jamboree thing and my boyfriend (Liam) is in Ibiza for like another week with his family.

anyway, i met another guy at the jamboree (Dan) who is really nice and fun and stuff (i never cheated on Liam, me and Dan just cuddled and stuff) and Dan has also gone on holiday now but i'm texting him and we wanna meet up when he gets home.

Yesterday, i was mega bored and i was chatting to 1 of my boyfriends mates on MSN and we arranged to go to see a film on Tuesday, then a few hours later another one of Liam's friends and another guy from my previous school decide they wanna come aswell. So me being all cheerful and happy that my holiday wasn't going to be so boring, texted my boyfriend what was happening. He went mad! He started swearing at me and threatening to dump me if i saw them, saying he would do something really nasty, and after about 4 hours of this texting argument, he had forbidden me to see any boy while he was away and i had cancelled my plans for tuesday. I don't get on that well with girls cause most of the time they bitch and i can't be bothered with it, so i only have 2 girlfriends both of which on holiday, so now i'm gonna be sitting here another week bored out of my skull as i am "banned" to see anyone else (My boyfriend sometimes has a go at me like this, but never this bad)

so anyway, dan was texting me and cheering me up after this row and i started to wonder whether i deserve better.all i do is be a good girlfriend to him and i get this. I want to see Dan when he gets back but my boyfriend will wanna know who i'm with and then he will go crazy again. I feel like i've been put in a cage, i'm so upset and angry! but i'm still in love with Liam and when he is with me he's really nice. i don't know whether to go tomorrow and ignore Liam or just not go this time and put my foot down next time. The thing is i don't wanna lose him, but i wanna have a social life aswell and it seems with him that i can only have one or the other. surely that's not right. i sometimes do flirt with other guys, not alot, but it's just me and the way i am, it doesn't mean anything.

I'm really angry because he's off in Ibiza having fun and out with his new friends (i haven't even asked what sex they are) and he's practically banned me from going out anywhere and it feels like my world has to stop just because he's in Ibiza because he says "you can't even wait a week for me to come home, am i worth that little to you? it's nice to know that if i was in hospital, you'd be off galavanting with some boys!" and i'm thinkin wtf has that gotta do with it! he played every guilt trip card in the book last night and he made me really upset.

another thing is that Liam doesn't really show me much love anymore. i cuddle him and i kiss him and i tell him i love him but it's rare i get anything back. The only thing i don't have to pester for is sexual things which he is always up for. he won't show any affection in public, im lucky if he holds my hand, actually this is getting worse by the month, i don't feel as loved as i want to feel, and he's also said that texting is getting to be a chore (we used to text quite regularly but now it's about 3 or 4 a day :frown: )i make him sound so bad when he is a really good boyfriend just his posessiveness and romance sides of him are really lacking and it's horrid.

so i'm really not sure what is going through his head and he's starting to mess me about. i'm so confused and i have no idea what i'm feeling or how to sort this out! i'm really quite upset so any help would be most appreciated, thanks xxx (as you can see, everything is typed just randomly, as my head is so messed up)
Your boyfriend cannot tell you what you can and cannot do. That said, if I knew my girlfriend was meeting up with a guy she fancied and cuddled with I would be a little upset.

Just tell him where to shove it, if he doesnt like it, then its pretty simple what your next option should be.
Reply 2
Ignore him - you should be able to hang out with your friends - male or female - without need for his permission. Go out and enjoy yourself. Talk to your boyfriend about your need for his attention and his over-possessiveness and if he doesn't listen and doesn't change, it might be good to consider dumping this guy, and questioning if he really loves you. He sounds too jealous and too controlling.

I mean, if he minded it that much, he should've just said calmly about how he felt.

Go out and enjoy yourself. It's a fact that you have guy friends and it's perfectly normal to hang out with them.
Reply 3
i will talk to him when he comes home. by the way my boyfriend knows nothing about this other guy, the other guy just makes me feel loved and appreciated which i don't feel off my boyfriend at the moment
Reply 4
I'm not going to comment much purely because this sounds like a completely biased post. I'd like to hear his side of things.

So errm, you cuddled and showed some sort of affection toward another guy whilst going out with someone else? First off, he has a right to be 'concerned' right now, if you are starting to develop feelings for someone else. It is baffling me that your a psychology student as well, what are they teaching people these days?

His reacting may have been OTT but he has a genuine right to be concerned - it is not as if he is totally wrong for being suspicious.

Without his side of things i cant offer any good advice, not to say that you are wrong in your post, but to say that you are not strictly in the right yourself.


In that regards, voice these concerns to your bf, he is the one with the concerns, he is the one you have to either convince that you are commited to relationship or not.

But one thing he is wrong to do is tell you that you cant see your friends, but hopefully (because of the Dan thing) you can see where he is coming from there. Compromise and talk to him! Hopefully by communicating you can find some middle ground to work from!
I'd say that you cuddling other guys is pretty in appropriate, as well as "stuff" but i dont know what that is so i cant comment. However, it sounds like this cuddling and stuff didnt mean too much to you and that you love your bf a lot. I would say that it gives your bf a lot to worry about though. If my gf was cuddling another guy i'd feel pretty annoyed.

Him telling you what you can and cant do is totally unfair on you and he shouldn't be telling you that at all. I might understand if it was one guy (would seem a lot like a date to him probs) but even then i'd say it would be unfair for him to tell you you can't go. But since it was a group of people you were going out with i'd say its totally insane that he told you you can't go.

As for the not showing you much love anymore, i'd say that something is wrong. I think if two people really love each other, then when one person says something like "I really love you", then its only fair that the other person say it back, even more so they should take pleasure out of saying it.

In all honesty he doesnt sound like a very nice guy but i dont know him really so i cant say for sure. What i'd suggest is that you wait for him to get home and talk to him about his jealousy(which im guessing it is) and lack of intimacy he is showing you. If things dont get better after this i'd suggest that you move on, possibly on to Dan if you think things could work out there.

As stated above this could be a biased post so im only going on what i've read.
Excuse me he forbid you from meeting up with any blokes? That's a load of crap and he's completely out of line trying to control you like that. You should tell him where to get off...you're your own person...how dare he presume to tell you what you can and can't do. As long as you're being being faithful to him and not cheating on him or anything i see no reason for him to act like that.

As for the relationship as a whole...you may love him...but if things are getting progressively worse something needs to be done about it. If I were you i'd talk to him about him...tell him you're unhappy with the way he's treating you and ignoring etc. He may be doing it innocently and ignorantly...in which case he may be only too willing to change the way he's been and treat you better and the way you deserve to be treated. If, on the other hand, he doesn't change, then you're better off without him. You may not want to lose him, but if he's not going to treat you right and love you the way you love him, then he doesn't deserve to have you as a girlfriend.

Hope this helps
He sounds massively insecure honestly. I don't mind if my other half cuddles a bloke, it's hardly a gang bang is it :p:

Likewise, she's really laid back about my relationships with women. I don't feel threatened by her being paid attention to, because I know she loves me, and she's the same.

A holiday in Ibiza is hardly 100% guilt free from his side, I really can't see how he thinks he has a right to dictate what you do.

I would talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. If he doesn't care about how you feel, then I think that says all you need to know.
Agree with most parts of what the other people said and erm one thing, don't start giving in to his whims now.. cause soon enough he will ask you for more and more things about you to change <.< it's sort of a relationship no-no to cuddle with other people by the way!! Don't know about the flirting because that's where you two decide what is appropriate, but umm do talk to him about these things that bother you... if you're as honest to eachother as you say you are, then it's not a big problem right? Just seriously, get things clear from the start that he's your bf but not your master. People get spoiled after special treatment, it's sort of imminent i guess xD and i bet you've gotten spoiled with stuff too, so both of your expectations grew while maybe neither of you actually gave back as much as you demanded in return. Does this make sense? xD Well anyways, yeah do talk things over and good luck :biggrin:
Reply 9
this sounds very similar to me and my x. If that was my girlfriend I would go mad, want to kick his head in and would go mad at you so I completely understand liams situation. He should trust you and you have rocked the trust. My x loved me loads but I have never been emotional I always made th effort and wanted sex a lot but didn't want to be loved up infront of people its something we shared in private. So either you love liam and he is the one or end the relationship, but your the one who has rocked the trust thing. I don't trust my x but yet want to get back with her so I think what you have done is really bad.
He's in Ibiza lol,your the one that should be worrying about what he's getting up to...
He has no right to forbid you from hanging out with other guys, especially when he is off with friends in Ibiza but at the same time, you really shouldn't have even cuddled with this other guy, do you not feel bad about that when you have a boyfriend?!

But sounds like he isn't really treating you with any respect, I think you need to talk to him! Really doesn't sound like you're happy with your relationship and the way it is, you seem to want something else. So maybe when he gets back from holiday, sit down and make him listen to how you feel.
That's outrageous, he doesn't want you hanging out with any male friends yet he's in Ibizia probably chatting to females out there. Sorry but he cannot tell you not to do something while he is enjoying himself. I would have a serious talk with him, he don't sound so lovely afterall.
Reply 13
wow thankyou people :smile: i think the only reason why i was cuddling with the other lad is becasue i'm not getting enough cuddles off Liam. I haven't rocked the trust, Liam doesn't know about Dan, he's just always on my case about me with other boys for some reason. to be honest if he's not showing me enough love then it's obvious i'm gonna try and find it somewhere else. i've texted him and said that when he gets home we need a chat because i'm not happy, and he seems quite worried so i hope i can sort things out. Thankyou guys for all the advice so far, has made me realise a few things xxx