No friends at University

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    #1

    i still haven't settled in don't say it's only been a short amount of time because everybody else has made friends just fine and appear to be enjoying themselves.. me, on the other hand..
    sure i might engage in casual i-just-met-you conversations with people on my course (it's v big) but it's nothing meaningful (by that, i mean someone who i can form a long lasting friendship with) and it gets super lonely walking around campus by myself. i could join societies i guess but i'm thinking of dropping out altogether (struggling to settle in summed with the intensity of the course - i'm lazy, too) so don't want to pay just yet . i know i'm being a giver upper but i'm not happy; i already struggle with SA & depression - realistically, will things get better? all i want is one friend. sorry for the length of the post, didn't know where else to go
    #2

    I've always found it difficult to make friends and was bullied throughout pretty much all of my school years. When I got to university I told myself that things would change and I'd be happy. Needless to say, things didn't change, I didn't make a single friend in 3 years. I wandered campus by myself and drank myself silly every night in my room. I tried societies/sitting next to people/etc but never got anywhere. I was so lonely and considered suicide many times (I did actually try once). Don't end up like me. I would really advise the societies even if you plan on dropping out, you might click with someone. However, and this is what I kept telling myself, you're there for a degree, you might be able to get a 1st if you put the work in (I got a 2:2 but there we go): making friends is secondary. Don't let a lack of friends force you to drop out. I feel really bad for you, mate, I know how lonely you feel but keep trying. Are you living in halls? Are you getting any help for the SA and depression? Have you thought of visiting the university counselling service?
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    I'm gonna watch this thread because this is going to be me next year.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i still haven't settled in don't say it's only been a short amount of time because everybody else has made friends just fine and appear to be enjoying themselves.. me, on the other hand..
    sure i might engage in casual i-just-met-you conversations with people on my course (it's v big) but it's nothing meaningful (by that, i mean someone who i can form a long lasting friendship with) and it gets super lonely walking around campus by myself. i could join societies i guess but i'm thinking of dropping out altogether (struggling to settle in summed with the intensity of the course - i'm lazy, too) so don't want to pay just yet . i know i'm being a giver upper but i'm not happy; i already struggle with SA & depression - realistically, will things get better? all i want is one friend. sorry for the length of the post, didn't know where else to go
    Bro I still walk around campus alone and I've spoken to a ton of people, exchanged numbers, joined societies etc
    You should try putting yourself out there more however, ask a random question to someone, speak to other people who haven't made friends yet, get drunk,
    I haven't made any super close friends but I don't really care I speak to someone new everyday and im fine being by myself too
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    It's still early weeks, and it's likely many of your class mates feel the same way.

    I would advise trying societies before dropping out. They're a great way to meet people with similar interests.*
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i still haven't settled in don't say it's only been a short amount of time because everybody else has made friends just fine and appear to be enjoying themselves.. me, on the other hand..
    sure i might engage in casual i-just-met-you conversations with people on my course (it's v big) but it's nothing meaningful (by that, i mean someone who i can form a long lasting friendship with) and it gets super lonely walking around campus by myself. i could join societies i guess but i'm thinking of dropping out altogether (struggling to settle in summed with the intensity of the course - i'm lazy, too) so don't want to pay just yet . i know i'm being a giver upper but i'm not happy; i already struggle with SA & depression - realistically, will things get better? all i want is one friend. sorry for the length of the post, didn't know where else to go
    First, talk to student supprt and a doctor or therapist about the mh issues. They can help you lesen some of the pressure there.

    As far as making friends goes, try to talk with your flatmates if you are in halls and maybe eat dinner with them or something. Sit next to somebody who looks kina alone in lectures and talk to them. Chances are they will be glad of the company too. Find a pretty easy going sounding society to join- my uni had a movie watching society. It will take a little while to get a good friend, but it will at least give you some social experience and be a step in the right direction.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i still haven't settled in don't say it's only been a short amount of time because everybody else has made friends just fine and appear to be enjoying themselves.. me, on the other hand..
    sure i might engage in casual i-just-met-you conversations with people on my course (it's v big) but it's nothing meaningful (by that, i mean someone who i can form a long lasting friendship with) and it gets super lonely walking around campus by myself. i could join societies i guess but i'm thinking of dropping out altogether (struggling to settle in summed with the intensity of the course - i'm lazy, too) so don't want to pay just yet . i know i'm being a giver upper but i'm not happy; i already struggle with SA & depression - realistically, will things get better? all i want is one friend. sorry for the length of the post, didn't know where else to go
    Maybe its for the best. With me, I was so happy, I had a big group of friends and we were always going out for meals, shopping, laughing, sitting in the back of lectures enjoying ourselves. All my life I have been bullied and judged and stabbed in the back, and I was so happy it was like a permanent high... except not so permanent, and with every high, comes a whopping crash. My 'friends' became disinterested in me. Like you, SA made it harder and harder for me to find a common ground, and it made conversation increasingly difficult. They wouldn't invite me to their social events, and pretty much pushed me out of their group. I cried that day, because I was convinced for once my life had finally turned around, but it was just a taste of the good life, I was ripped from it.

    Sorry to be a downer. My point is, having no particular friendship group is lonely, but it's a lot better than thinking you finally have friends, that you fit in, only to discover you really don't. See, maybe if you joined in on freshers you'd have met some great people, but the reality is you and them pretty much forget eachother, and you'd have been more down thinking you'd made some friends and ending up being alone again. Keep doing what you're doing- speak to people on your course. The chances are the people who made friends straight away are either going to stay together, or break apart. Look out for those odd ones out who seem to drift around- like you, because that's how you make friends. I retook my second year of Uni because my anxiety got so bad I couldn't even go in anymore. But this year I am a lot like you- everybody in the class knows eachother, they are friends, and I only ever speak to them if I need to. BUT i prefer it that way. There are the odd people who I meet who are nice and sweet and drifters too. I KNOW you will find them, just open your mind and don't stay in the mindset that you will be alone forever, because that way you won't see the peopple that are right in front of you.

    Good luck, keep going, it took me a long time to find the friends I have now, but they're great. Don't give up hope, concentrate on your work, make people proud x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i still haven't settled in don't say it's only been a short amount of time because everybody else has made friends just fine and appear to be enjoying themselves.. me, on the other hand..
    sure i might engage in casual i-just-met-you conversations with people on my course (it's v big) but it's nothing meaningful (by that, i mean someone who i can form a long lasting friendship with) and it gets super lonely walking around campus by myself. i could join societies i guess but i'm thinking of dropping out altogether (struggling to settle in summed with the intensity of the course - i'm lazy, too) so don't want to pay just yet . i know i'm being a giver upper but i'm not happy; i already struggle with SA & depression - realistically, will things get better? all i want is one friend. sorry for the length of the post, didn't know where else to go
    You say you have social anxiety, but how far is that preventing you from making friends? You wont make any friends if you dont make an effort.
    What about flat mates, course mates etc? Do you ever really chat to them go for a drink, coffee, meal?

    Yes you could joing csocieties, but it seems you wont make the effort.

    Your top three areas to make friends are:

    1. your accommodation.
    2. Course.
    3. Societies.

    Add in general around campus socialising and networking from other friends.

    Thibgs get better if you push yourself a little bit. People are less likely to make friends if you dont make an effort to be sociable.

    You must have thought about this whilst you were waiting go to to uni? Have you seen a therapist or GP about depression and social anxiety? If you just take it one day at a time and oush yourself, dont be depressed, try and have a bit of confidence and engage with people then its much more likely to get a positive response. Join clubs and keep at them becayse they are people with a common interest who wnat to meet other people. You need to go at least 6 times though becayse its a bit awkward at first and then one week you realise you fit and know people.

    At least talk it through with people who know and trust you to make sure its the right choice and maybe work out what e you cna do.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've always found it difficult to make friends and was bullied throughout pretty much all of my school years. When I got to university I told myself that things would change and I'd be happy. Needless to say, things didn't change, I didn't make a single friend in 3 years. I wandered campus by myself and drank myself silly every night in my room. I tried societies/sitting next to people/etc but never got anywhere. I was so lonely and considered suicide many times (I did actually try once). Don't end up like me. I would really advise the societies even if you plan on dropping out, you might click with someone. However, and this is what I kept telling myself, you're there for a degree, you might be able to get a 1st if you put the work in (I got a 2:2 but there we go): making friends is secondary. Don't let a lack of friends force you to drop out. I feel really bad for you, mate, I know how lonely you feel but keep trying. Are you living in halls? Are you getting any help for the SA and depression? Have you thought of visiting the university counselling service?
    but are you okay now? i feel this is exactly how my life is going to pan out but if you're faring well then maybe things will turn out okay for me too?
    i know you're at university to educate the mind but being a small fish in a big pond is taking its toll
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Noodlzzz)
    It's still early weeks, and it's likely many of your class mates feel the same way.

    I would advise trying societies before dropping out. They're a great way to meet people with similar interests.*
    but i am shy/awkward, so joining societies might not help
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Kindred)
    First, talk to student supprt and a doctor or therapist about the mh issues. They can help you lesen some of the pressure there.

    As far as making friends goes, try to talk with your flatmates if you are in halls and maybe eat dinner with them or something. Sit next to somebody who looks kina alone in lectures and talk to them. Chances are they will be glad of the company too. Find a pretty easy going sounding society to join- my uni had a movie watching society. It will take a little while to get a good friend, but it will at least give you some social experience and be a step in the right direction.
    i know i should but i can't get help, not if they keep a record of it but thank u for your words, i guess i need to take baby steps but, more importantly, be content with myself/my own company
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mazzii342)
    Maybe its for the best. With me, I was so happy, I had a big group of friends and we were always going out for meals, shopping, laughing, sitting in the back of lectures enjoying ourselves. All my life I have been bullied and judged and stabbed in the back, and I was so happy it was like a permanent high... except not so permanent, and with every high, comes a whopping crash. My 'friends' became disinterested in me. Like you, SA made it harder and harder for me to find a common ground, and it made conversation increasingly difficult. They wouldn't invite me to their social events, and pretty much pushed me out of their group. I cried that day, because I was convinced for once my life had finally turned around, but it was just a taste of the good life, I was ripped from it.

    Sorry to be a downer. My point is, having no particular friendship group is lonely, but it's a lot better than thinking you finally have friends, that you fit in, only to discover you really don't. See, maybe if you joined in on freshers you'd have met some great people, but the reality is you and them pretty much forget eachother, and you'd have been more down thinking you'd made some friends and ending up being alone again. Keep doing what you're doing- speak to people on your course. The chances are the people who made friends straight away are either going to stay together, or break apart. Look out for those odd ones out who seem to drift around- like you, because that's how you make friends. I retook my second year of Uni because my anxiety got so bad I couldn't even go in anymore. But this year I am a lot like you- everybody in the class knows eachother, they are friends, and I only ever speak to them if I need to. BUT i prefer it that way. There are the odd people who I meet who are nice and sweet and drifters too. I KNOW you will find them, just open your mind and don't stay in the mindset that you will be alone forever, because that way you won't see the peopple that are right in front of you.

    Good luck, keep going, it took me a long time to find the friends I have now, but they're great. Don't give up hope, concentrate on your work, make people proud x
    this got to me

    i am so sorry but everything happens for a reason (at least that's what i keep telling myself) and if they are capable of shutting you out like that, you really don't need them! i know people are temporary but i, quite selfishly, want human company (i googled the scientific effect of not having any - it was bad) just to get me through the 3 years. i know my mum knows something's up even though i haven't told her but i don't want to disappoint her yet again.

    but the thing is most people on my course are genuinely friendly with lovely vibes; i'm the problem. i probably won't make any proper friends but, like you, i hope i'll be okay with that. some days i might be ok talking to new people but as soon as we start getting close my anxiety kicks in. i guess i'm also insecure/self loathing, so that doesn't help - today, for instance, is the first day i've not wore makeup and i cannot bring myself to leave my room.

    i hope things cheer up for the both of us x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i know i should but i can't get help, not if they keep a record of it but thank u for your words, i guess i need to take baby steps but, more importantly, be content with myself/my own company
    Your records will be kept confidential. Why would it be such an issue for you if your records are kept though? I can see why people would be worried about it, but your health matters more.
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    Hang around with the people you talk casually with, they'll introduce you to the people they've met and you'll build a network from there on
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    You say you have social anxiety, but how far is that preventing you from making friends? You wont make any friends if you dont make an effort.
    What about flat mates, course mates etc? Do you ever really chat to them go for a drink, coffee, meal?

    Yes you could joing csocieties, but it seems you wont make the effort.

    Your top three areas to make friends are:

    1. your accommodation.
    2. Course.
    3. Societies.

    Add in general around campus socialising and networking from other friends.

    Thibgs get better if you push yourself a little bit. People are less likely to make friends if you dont make an effort to be sociable.

    You must have thought about this whilst you were waiting go to to uni? Have you seen a therapist or GP about depression and social anxiety? If you just take it one day at a time and oush yourself, dont be depressed, try and have a bit of confidence and engage with people then its much more likely to get a positive response. Join clubs and keep at them becayse they are people with a common interest who wnat to meet other people. You need to go at least 6 times though becayse its a bit awkward at first and then one week you realise you fit and know people.

    At least talk it through with people who know and trust you to make sure its the right choice and maybe work out what e you cna do.

    i appreciate your reply but it's not just as simple and pragmatic as you make it out to be; SA is a thing - i used to think i was introverted but now i realise i would like company but am genuinely inhibited... it may or may not be in my head but it's very real with physical symptoms.
    i made an effort in freshers, even astonished myself! i spoke to so many people but never saw them again.
    i don't want to seek help in case it has consequences in the future. plus i don't know how successful treatment actually is - i don't see my problems going away anytime soon.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i appreciate your reply but it's not just as simple and pragmatic as you make it out to be; SA is a thing - i used to think i was introverted but now i realise i would like company but am genuinely inhibited... it may or may not be in my head but it's very real with physical symptoms.
    i made an effort in freshers, even astonished myself! i spoke to so many people but never saw them again.
    i don't want to seek help in case it has consequences in the future. plus i don't know how successful treatment actually is - i don't see my problems going away anytime soon.
    Whilst it may be difficult, yu are capable of making the conversation. For soem reeason your interactions arent producing the longer lasting results you want, maube its the way you are doing it, maybe its just the people you meet and you are unlucky or the fact you dont pursue it and expect it to happen? You may come across people who are more inclusive or recognise your nature as similar to their own. If you stop trying then you will never know, hence you have to push yourself .

    What sort of repurcussions do you think getting help will have? its obviously having an effect now making you unhappy and lonely. Anxiety and depression will be very common at university, it just seems if you arent dealing with it very well yourself then you need to consider if someone with expertise can help. It might make you feel less lonely, more informed and give you greater focus on what to do.

    If you feel inhibited talking to someone at Uni then talk to one of the anxiety charity helplines. they are anonymous and confidential. They have the expertise and understanding of your condition.

    http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anxiety.php
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    you could join some societies and get involved with more people through that
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Kindred)
    Your records will be kept confidential. Why would it be such an issue for you if your records are kept though? I can see why people would be worried about it, but your health matters more.
    could i potentially see someone under a false identity or would that have repercussions? even if they're confidential i'm still a little mistrusting (so many people claim it can affect your future, like job prospects - althou my SA will do that just fine) and i did go to my school welfare officer/told 1 friend, both of whom were not very helpful (no offence) mainly because, i think, they didn't fully understand my condition or the seriousness of it.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Whilst it may be difficult, yu are capable of making the conversation. For soem reeason your interactions arent producing the longer lasting results you want, maube its the way you are doing it, maybe its just the people you meet and you are unlucky or the fact you dont pursue it and expect it to happen? You may come across people who are more inclusive or recognise your nature as similar to their own. If you stop trying then you will never know, hence you have to push yourself .

    What sort of repurcussions do you think getting help will have? its obviously having an effect now making you unhappy and lonely. Anxiety and depression will be very common at university, it just seems if you arent dealing with it very well yourself then you need to consider if someone with expertise can help. It might make you feel less lonely, more informed and give you greater focus on what to do.

    If you feel inhibited talking to someone at Uni then talk to one of the anxiety charity helplines. they are anonymous and confidential. They have the expertise and understanding of your condition.

    http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anxiety.php
    i think the main thing i've learnt about university is that it's supposed to be challenging and a time of growth, so i will (try to) push myself, little by little.

    talking about it to someone is very different from finding a solution - past experience suggest it won't help me.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    edit: i don't mean to sound rude/ungrateful, honestly thank you a lot

    also, suggests*
 
 
 
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