I look at newspaper stories or online stories of people having passed and these are usually beautiful people all of them who had an accident or some other thing and I ask myself why? Why them?
I am a miserable *******, it's true I am a *******!
Everything sucks mostly and I don't usually enjoy life too much these days. So I ask myself why I am still here ? When I look at a newspaper story of a beautiful dead person I think to myself, I would swap myself with them to give them another chance.
This probably may sound selfish to some but that's how I feel and I am sorry if it sounds selfish and I am sorry to God if it sounds unappreciative but I am sure God knows what I am going through and why I feel as I do.
I went to Tesco earlier and walked passed the alcohol bottles and thought to myself maybe later I'll take a drink. Everything I enjoy doing at some point I may truly not enjoy doing at all and that will be a very tough day, everyday I feel this day draws nearer. I am somewhat lucky or maybe just happened to be happy enough to have enjoyed at least half of this year keeping busy with personal projects of mine but that doesn't change my problems. You can use a lot of plaster if you want on a wall but the wall still remains underneath you see.
I am not sure If I am depressed, or going through depression I think I am just sad. I don't personally think this thing called depression affects me because I am quite tough mentally, I think I am just tired of feeling like this and having feelings of worthlessness and humiliation. I am not sure why I am writing this, it's not a cry for help, I think I just enjoy writing sometimes and I haven't written on here in a while.
Should I still go?