Please dont un anon this. Basically me and my gf have been together for nearly 11 months at uni , neither of us have met each others parents personally I dont find this that wierd as its a uni relationship, but shes quite eager for me to meet her parents, whereas im not too fussed but want to put it off because I dont know its kinda embarassing . Anyhow, the real problem is im a bit apprehensive about meeting her parents she's indian and im mixed white/black. She says her parents dont mind and they do know about me but still im sure they would prefer her to be going out with a fellow Indian. To top this off she has some cousins an aunty and an uncle staying with her when ill go to meet them, and I just found the whole situation really daunting. Shes also said that her nan won't know im her boyfriend because she wouldnt want to hear about her grand daughter and a boyfriend but im sure its because she wouldnt approve (her nan is there that weekend aswell). She also told me that we'll be in the house as little as possible during the weekend, just because, and that when she told her mum I wanted to stay she asked why I wanted to stay like it was really strange. My girlfriend is the one pushing for all this and I really dont want to stay if it will make her mum, or anyone else for that matter uncomfortable.
I know if it were the other way round race wouldnt be that big a deal , I think my white grandparents would be a little taken aback, but would be perfectly accepting and nice, also the rest of my family, Mum etc, would be perfectly accepting and It would be no big deal. I know its not her fault and should respect her parents culture, but I just think its a little unfair she doesnt have to go through this. Also I just don't want to go somewhere and be judged on my race, I dont feel I should ever have to be put in that situation, it just feels so demeaning. Maybe im just being paranoid as she assures me everything is fine and I get the impression that her dad would be fine about everything, its just her nan and her mum im worried about.
Is it wierd im not fussed about meeting her parents, I think she sees it as a lack of comitment , but I just think we're not getting married, and we're the two in the relationship,I really couldn't be a more committed boyf. What should I do say ? I feel like im being pressured into something I and maybe er family arent comfortable with but at the same time dont want her to think that im refusing to show committment and am not bothered about her
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Reality, commitment and Meeting Girlfriends Parents. (Long Post) watch
- 14-08-2007 01:52
- 14-08-2007 02:04
Talk to her about it, and hope that she can see your side of things, which if it were me, I would be scared like hell...it sounds like a family reunion there lol.
I can imagine how hard it must be to get her parents to actually want to see you...if her parents were really really "traditional", so turning down the chance to meet her family is definitely going to hurt her a bit. Just reassure her that you are serious about the relationship, but meeting the whole family may just be too much.
I don't think it's weird that you don't want to meet her family. I personally wouldn't be bothered if my boyfriend met my parents or not...unless we were getting married...even then I'd still wouldn't mind that much.
Hope you get it sorted out!
- 14-08-2007 08:58
This is a sticky one!
I think that the whole meeting the parents thing feels like a king of steppign stone in a relationship, and it seems that your girlfriend would feel similarly. At the same time, I would assume youve told her before you feel uncomfortable with meeting her parents. If you told her this before she arranged for you to meet them, and she still went ahead, then I think she's acted unfairly. If you havent told her yet, you *need* to talk it out with her. Your relationship if two sided, and that means that your side matters. You need to talk with her and get your feelings, as strong as they are, known to her. She might be able to put you at ease, and simalarly she might understand your views. If not, and she still pressures you, then it might even be neccessary to consider if you want to be with someone who wont respect that you feel dreadfully uncomfortable.
- 14-08-2007 09:16
Suck it up man. You're in a committed relationship with this girl, and part of a serious relationship is meeting the parents. If you really feel you're not ready to meet the parents, then you have to say so upfront. if, on the other hand, you are prepared to make that committment, then don't let your race, the sleeping arrangements, or the family reunion daunt you. The thing is, it's their problem. Your responsibility is to be nice, interesting, take out the trash, be polite etc. Their responsibility is to make you feel like they won't come after you with a shotgun and rottweilers. Don't spend time worrying about their reaction to factors not under your control.
And hey, the daughter obviously loves you, so they have to be nice..
- 14-08-2007 11:29
Well, i dont think you HAVE to meet them. I hate all the formal stuff. When my bf met my parents they were literally crossing on the stairs lol. We never sat down to get to know each other over tea untill about a year later and by that point everyone was already really comfortable because of all the brief meetings they'd had.
I do agree with the poster above though, you shouldnt be scared to be judged, if you do go and you are judged thats a fault in their character not yours.
Are they a traditional family? If they arent then they probably arent that bothered about who their daughter is with, just aslong as he makes her happy and if you have been together nearly a year, then im guessing you make her happy.
Its crap that race is such a factor.
- 14-08-2007 11:48
hmmm, I know if it did happen it would be their problem, and im convinced her dad is okay with it, but at the same time its not a situation I feel I should ever have to put myself in, how dare anyone judge me on terms of race.
- 14-08-2007 12:02
Well they probably wont because they will know their daughter is serious about you, and even if they do, thats not your problem that they are so narrow minded.
Could you not ask to go at another time? When it will just be you her and her parents and not you her and all of her extended family?
- 14-08-2007 13:46
well i kind of have, but she says she wishes it could be just her immediate family , but its best just to get it out of the way now
- 15-08-2007 21:01
Hey Im in a similar situation to your girlfriend regarding her family.
Im chinese and my boyfriend is white. We've been together for 2 and a half years now and he's still not met my parents. Ive met his as I usually stay at his over the weekend and his family are fine with us being together.
However when I told my dad about my bf, he seemed a bit disapointed but accepted it. My mum on the otherhand was quite against it and confronted me about why I would pick a white guy over a chinese guy. As I was quite angry for her saying that I chose to ignore it and any other negative things she had to say at the time.
I kind of think that they are really traditional and strict but Ive since rebelled against them because Im an adult now. My parents have never really expressed any wishes to meet my bf and we never bring up the fact that im in a relationship with a non-chinese person (its kind of like a taboo subject).
My bf doesnt seem fussed about meeting my parents and he is aware of the situation but theres nothing we can do about it. I think when the time comes it will happen eventually because we've been together for so long now.
In relation to your situation, if you feel uncomfortable with meeting your gf's parents regarding the circumstances (ie her grandmother being there etc) I think you should talk it through with her. I also dont think that its a sign of non commitment if you dont want to meet with them just yet