Girlfriend has told me she likes someone else, please help!?

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    -Have been with a girl 3 years
    -has lost both her brother and mum most recent (june) within in these 3 years, so understandably has been grieving majority of relationship.
    -she's 23 and we have been living together for 2 years, im 28

    Over the past load of weeks I've noticed her becoming distant with me and the other night, a text came through from a guy shes friendly with at work and she hid it from me, saying she didn't know what he was going to say when i asked to see it. "Obviously hiding something but Last night i finally got it from her that she likes the guy she works with and he has told her the same. She has told me for months that they don't see each other in that way, they are just friends and they can talk about grief etc, as he lost his dad at a young age. She has spent time drinking at his flat without me being there, and around a month ago i told her to cut ties with this guy as it was making me feel uncomfortable being with him, but she had obviously still been speaking to him privately on social media. When she admitted her feelings last night she was crying saying she never wanted to hurt me and that she doesnt want to be with him she wants to be with me, but im not convinced. I rang him from her phone and he tells me nothin has happened between them and she tells me the same but i just don't believe it. I brought her to stay at her grannies last night as i couldn't stay in the same house as her..and need time to get my thoughts together.

    What do you guys think of this situation, and have you any advice on how i should move forward. I do love this girl, weve talked about getting married and having kids one day and have just moved into a new house together, ideally i do want to be with her, but i just dont know how im gona forget whats happened and get things back to normal again.


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    (Original post by stewbap87)
    -Have been with a girl 3 years
    -has lost both her brother and mum most recent (june) within in these 3 years, so understandably has been grieving majority of relationship.
    -she's 23 and we have been living together for 2 years, im 28

    Over the past load of weeks I've noticed her becoming distant with me and the other night, a text came through from a guy shes friendly with at work and she hid it from me, saying she didn't know what he was going to say when i asked to see it. "Obviously hiding something but Last night i finally got it from her that she likes the guy she works with and he has told her the same. She has told me for months that they don't see each other in that way, they are just friends and they can talk about grief etc, as he lost his dad at a young age. She has spent time drinking at his flat without me being there, and around a month ago i told her to cut ties with this guy as it was making me feel uncomfortable being with him, but she had obviously still been speaking to him privately on social media. When she admitted her feelings last night she was crying saying she never wanted to hurt me and that she doesnt want to be with him she wants to be with me, but im not convinced. I rang him from her phone and he tells me nothin has happened between them and she tells me the same but i just don't believe it. I brought her to stay at her grannies last night as i couldn't stay in the same house as her..and need time to get my thoughts together.

    What do you guys think of this situation, and have you any advice on how i should move forward. I do love this girl, weve talked about getting married and having kids one day and have just moved into a new house together, ideally i do want to be with her, but i just dont know how im gona forget whats happened and get things back to normal again.


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    I think you underestimate the enormity of losing a parent. Thats probably what the other guy has tapped into, even if his motives are honourable. He has that experience and you do not. She may find it easier to talk to him.

    You cant make something happen if its not ready to. Imo i'd just talk to her, maybe suggest giving each other some space and see what happens. No point if shes not interested or has doubts (btw is the house bought or rented?)

    You arent going to be able to settle unless you have confidence you are both ok with it and I think that has less chance if you are under the same roof or imposing conditions. People tend to react against them. If soemthing is happening then besides being upset, theres not a lot you can do.

    ps undecided whether driving her off to nans was a good idea if shes left with the impression you are angry, its going to be a turn off when underneath she wnats support and understanding.

    pps if she was close to her mum, then the bereavment could last years before she comes to to terms with it. No idea of the relationship she has with her mum, but a lot longer than two years.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I think you underestimate the enormity of losing a parent. Thats probably what the other guy has tapped into, even if his motives are honourable. He has that experience and you do not. She may find it easier to talk to him.

    You cant make something happen if its not ready to. Imo i'd just talk to her, maybe suggest giving each other some space and see what happens. No point if shes not interested or has doubts (btw is the house bought or rented?)

    You arent going to be able to settle unless you have confidence you are both ok with it and I think that has less chance if you are under the same roof or imposing conditions. People tend to react against them. If soemthing is happening then besides being upset, theres not a lot you can do.

    ps undecided whether driving her off to nans was a good idea if shes left with the impression you are angry, its going to be a turn off when underneath she wnats support and understanding.

    pps if she was close to her mum, then the bereavment could last years before she comes to to terms with it. No idea of the relationship she has with her mum, but a lot longer than two years.
    I wouldnt blame him for being angry. His partner who he has supported and been there for has been consistently lying to him for months on end.

    He asked her to cut ties and she carried on regardless - you can argue whether he has the right to do that or not. She may or may not have done anything with this guy but she has been having an emotional affair with him.

    Its amazing how upset these people get when confronted. To me they are more upset on being pulled on thier crap than the actual issue.

    OP she is grieving and i understand that but your wellbeing is important to and you have to decide how you want to proceed. Getting yourself a few days of breathing space isnt a bad idea. But dont be at all surprised that she could well be chatting to him as well.

    you also need to ask yourself if the trust has gone.
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    I completely understand that shes having a hard time with her grief, I've been nothin but supportive and she knows il always be there and try to do anything to help her through it, but because she's grieving does that warrant her developing feelings for someone else and questioning our relationship, like would this happen if she wasnt grieving?.. i cant just let these things happen and then when i find out she gets scared and says she doesnt want to leave me. Theres two people in this relationship regardless if shes grieving or not if she loves me like she says she does, i cant see how this could happen. I love her and i could never see myself even thinking about being with someone else


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    Have some self respect, bloody hell.

    your girlfriend is a slut, end it.
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    (Original post by silverbolt)
    I wouldnt blame him for being angry. His partner who he has supported and been there for has been consistently lying to him for months on end.

    He asked her to cut ties and she carried on regardless - you can argue whether he has the right to do that or not. She may or may not have done anything with this guy but she has been having an emotional affair with him.

    Its amazing how upset these people get when confronted. To me they are more upset on being pulled on thier crap than the actual issue.

    OP she is grieving and i understand that but your wellbeing is important to and you have to decide how you want to proceed. Getting yourself a few days of breathing space isnt a bad idea. But dont be at all surprised that she could well be chatting to him as well.

    you also need to ask yourself if the trust has gone.
    I dont think I did blame him. he is 28 and thus older, he is the one not suffering the bereavment, so heis in a more advantageous position to assess whats happening. If he wnats to get angry thats fine, but at the ned its not going to solve much.

    Emotional affair? I dont think you have enough information to assess what has been going on.

    I dont really see your point tbh, yes she may be chatting, its fine if they have a short break, but at some stage he will need to decide what he wnats and the best way to achieve it.


    Btw what did the highlighted bit mean? She isnt these people sh is his partner who has just lost her mum. I'd go for more understanding and listening than trying to pull them up and confronting. Not going to be the best straegy to win her over if thats what he wants.
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    (Original post by BabyLadDarren)
    Have some self respect, bloody hell.

    your girlfriend is a slut, end it.
    I dont reckon u understand the meaning of slut, but mature answers would be great, cheers 👍🏻


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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I dont think I did blame him. he is 28 and thus older, he is the one not suffering the bereavment, so heis in a more advantageous position to assess whats happening. If he wnats to get angry thats fine, but at the ned its not going to solve much.

    Emotional affair? I dont think you have enough information to assess what has been going on.

    I dont really see your point tbh, yes she may be chatting, its fine if they have a short break, but at some stage he will need to decide what he wnats and the best way to achieve it.


    Btw what did the highlighted bit mean? She isnt these people sh is his partner who has just lost her mum. I'd go for more understanding and listening than trying to pull them up and confronting. Not going to be the best straegy to win her over if thats what he wants.
    This is a message she sent me when she got to her grans late last night.

    "I know you don't wanna hear from me but I just want to tell you that I never ever wanted to hurt you and I'm so ****ing sorry it's come to this, things just spiralled and I ****ed up.. I know you can never forgive me and I understand that but I'll give you space or whatever you need. I'm sorry"

    Its hard for me to be understanding and empathetic when its all ive done the last 3 years, i feel im being mugged off and its now hard for me to trust her..i feel if im back being all nice and understanding for me its just showing im a pushover and therefore there'l be no boundaries set going forward.. its not all about her, im sorry



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    (Original post by stewbap87)
    This is a message she sent me when she got to her grans late last night.

    "I know you don't wanna hear from me but I just want to tell you that I never ever wanted to hurt you and I'm so ****ing sorry it's come to this, things just spiralled and I ****ed up.. I know you can never forgive me and I understand that but I'll give you space or whatever you need. I'm sorry"

    Its hard for me to be understanding and empathetic when its all ive done the last 3 years, i feel im being mugged off and its now hard for me to trust her..i feel if im back being all nice and understanding for me its just showing im a pushover and therefore there'l be no boundaries set going forward.. its not all about her, im sorry



    Posted from TSR Mobile
    The break is probably a good idea then. You both have things to think about and what you both want. Maybe you need to split and take a long time out, till the dust settles?
    #1

    (Original post by stewbap87)
    -Have been with a girl 3 years
    -has lost both her brother and mum most recent (june) within in these 3 years, so understandably has been grieving majority of relationship.
    -she's 23 and we have been living together for 2 years, im 28

    Over the past load of weeks I've noticed her becoming distant with me and the other night, a text came through from a guy shes friendly with at work and she hid it from me, saying she didn't know what he was going to say when i asked to see it. "Obviously hiding something but Last night i finally got it from her that she likes the guy she works with and he has told her the same. She has told me for months that they don't see each other in that way, they are just friends and they can talk about grief etc, as he lost his dad at a young age. She has spent time drinking at his flat without me being there, and around a month ago i told her to cut ties with this guy as it was making me feel uncomfortable being with him, but she had obviously still been speaking to him privately on social media. When she admitted her feelings last night she was crying saying she never wanted to hurt me and that she doesnt want to be with him she wants to be with me, but im not convinced. I rang him from her phone and he tells me nothin has happened between them and she tells me the same but i just don't believe it. I brought her to stay at her grannies last night as i couldn't stay in the same house as her..and need time to get my thoughts together.

    What do you guys think of this situation, and have you any advice on how i should move forward. I do love this girl, weve talked about getting married and having kids one day and have just moved into a new house together, ideally i do want to be with her, but i just dont know how im gona forget whats happened and get things back to normal again.


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    Honestly I know my situation is not the same to yours, however i think it is similar, i am currently dating someone for the last year, and we have become really close and he is really supportive of my school work and family problems which are going on, however i have started having thoughts about other guys, and even though me and my boyfriend havent gotten sexual it doesnt seem right- it feels like i am cheating on him.
    Your girlfriend is probably spending most days with this other guy and he may have been flirting- maybe she got lead on or confused by the sudden attention from another man.
    I think that distancing yourselves is a good idea, if you do both miss eachother and not think about anyone else i think it is good to get back together, however if she does end up in confiding in this new guy and meeting him against your wishes (out of work hours) i think that you are meant to be friends as you have been through alot together and obviously both care for one another. However i do not think that you should tell her to cut ties with him as they do work together, however they should keep to only seeing eachother at work and communicating rarely out of work hours.
    #2

    I'm impressed at some of the mature replies on here. Was expecting awful ones!

    I also think taking a break is a good idea. It'll give you both time to think about everything and how you want to move forward.

    I was in a similar situation. Relationship of 3 years. Got feelings for someone else. Bf found out and we broke up for 2 months. Now we're back together and stronger than ever. I do still have feelings for the other guy, but I know my feelings for my bf are much much stronger. Before we broke up I was becoming overwhelmed with all the emotion and was unsure how to deal with it. I got feelings for this guy because he is a lot more like me, we connect on a friendship level - which I never had with my bf, we pretty much started dating straight away. It is a horrible situation for both of you, I totally understand that. I also understand you being angry, however, don't make decisions through anger - wait until you have calmed down. I'm sure she hasn't meant to hurt you. I know when it was me - before anyone knew, I cried myself to sleep every night feeling like I was betraying my boyfriend.

    Good luck with it all. I hope you manage to resolve it.
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    (Original post by stewbap87)
    This is a message she sent me when she got to her grans late last night.

    "I know you don't wanna hear from me but I just want to tell you that I never ever wanted to hurt you and I'm so ****ing sorry it's come to this, things just spiralled and I ****ed up.. I know you can never forgive me and I understand that but I'll give you space or whatever you need. I'm sorry"

    Its hard for me to be understanding and empathetic when its all ive done the last 3 years, i feel im being mugged off and its now hard for me to trust her..i feel if im back being all nice and understanding for me its just showing im a pushover and therefore there'l be no boundaries set going forward.. its not all about her, im sorry

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    For me it's simple.

    If your girlfriend has cheated then she should be dumped. If she has not cheated then you need to find out whether she still wants marriage and babies with you. If so then issue an ultimatum and tell her that she cuts ties completely.

    She's had the evening away which was good (find out if she stayed in or ran straight to him) but don't ever do one of those break things that people suggest on here, they are nothing but an excuse for women to sleep around.

    You need to dump or forgive her.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I dont think I did blame him. he is 28 and thus older, he is the one not suffering the bereavment, so heis in a more advantageous position to assess whats happening. If he wnats to get angry thats fine, but at the ned its not going to solve much.

    Emotional affair? I dont think you have enough information to assess what has been going on.

    I dont really see your point tbh, yes she may be chatting, its fine if they have a short break, but at some stage he will need to decide what he wnats and the best way to achieve it.


    Btw what did the highlighted bit mean? She isnt these people sh is his partner who has just lost her mum. I'd go for more understanding and listening than trying to pull them up and confronting. Not going to be the best straegy to win her over if thats what he wants.
    I wasnt saying you did blame him. Solve anything? No, but its completely understandable.

    She;s been talking to another man, hiding it from her partner, going behind his back around him, ignored her partners feelings in regards to it and admitted she liked him. what part of that is not an emotional affair based on the context of what we've been told? Ever heard the adage "if youre afraid to tell your partner you shouldn't be doing it"

    Shes not just chatting though. She fancies/likes/wants to make the beast with two backs/swallow his load/do the hunka chunka with him. Thats going beyond chatting and into the realms of cheating.
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    (Original post by stewbap87)
    I dont reckon u understand the meaning of slut, but mature answers would be great, cheers 👍🏻


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    That attitude confirms my initial thoughts. You are a monumental beta.

    There is no way you can salvage this situation.

    Stop being selfish and find someone else. Allow the girl to be with the other guy who is her rock, her alpha. She desires that.

    She deserves that.
 
 
 
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