At the end of my rope

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I wrote here a year ago about my issues of being alone/isolated/depressed starting uni. There has been good news in that I became good friends with my coursemates and hung out a lot with them which is certainly much better than the alternative of just being a complete loner and I'm definitely grateful for that and aware I'm lucky.
    However, I still don't feel like I improved as a person. I'm still as shy as ever and it's still as difficult to make new friends and have conversations with strangers as it ever was. This especially applies to the opposite sex as I was hoping to have a girlfriend by now, but it still seems utterly impossible...
    I hate being lonely but I've also never been very sociable. Over the course of last year I fought against my unsociable nature by going to a ton of uni social gatherings/pubs/clubs/flat parties and I never said no when my more sociable friends wanted to go out, even if I really didn't want to friggin go. If you've seen the movie Yes Man it was pretty much like that. I did this in the hopes that over time I would become more socially adept and friendly and start actually enjoying socialising with strangers and grow out of my loner shell.
    This hasn't happened and I'm still very awkward and insecure and my self confidence is extremely low...
    As I said I'm happy to have made friends with my coursemates and that was enough for a while but I had bigger goals than a handful of friends over lifetime (and zero girlfriends).
    I just wanted to put this out there, share your thoughts if you like.
    All the best
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wrote here a year ago about my issues of being alone/isolated/depressed starting uni. There has been good news in that I became good friends with my coursemates and hung out a lot with them which is certainly much better than the alternative of just being a complete loner and I'm definitely grateful for that and aware I'm lucky.
    However, I still don't feel like I improved as a person. I'm still as shy as ever and it's still as difficult to make new friends and have conversations with strangers as it ever was. This especially applies to the opposite sex as I was hoping to have a girlfriend by now, but it still seems utterly impossible...
    I hate being lonely but I've also never been very sociable. Over the course of last year I fought against my unsociable nature by going to a ton of uni social gatherings/pubs/clubs/flat parties and I never said no when my more sociable friends wanted to go out, even if I really didn't want to friggin go. If you've seen the movie Yes Man it was pretty much like that. I did this in the hopes that over time I would become more socially adept and friendly and start actually enjoying socialising with strangers and grow out of my loner shell.
    This hasn't happened and I'm still very awkward and insecure and my self confidence is extremely low...
    As I said I'm happy to have made friends with my coursemates and that was enough for a while but I had bigger goals than a handful of friends over lifetime (and zero girlfriends).
    I just wanted to put this out there, share your thoughts if you like.
    All the best
    Sorry for the late reply, really glad things have improved for you over the year though! I'm sure you've probably heard this before, but have you thought about joining any societies or anything like that? These can be really good for meeting people with similar interests, but what might help you more is having an activity to do while you're there. I'm in a band for an example, which I've met some amazing people through but there's no way I would have done it if it weren't for being able to sit there in rehearsals etc. I still struggle with the more social parts and it took months for me to speak to anyone in the breaks in between but I got there. Even if you don't meet people directly through this, for increasing confidence etc it can help a lot- as can helping people on TSR and online stuff in an odd sort of way.

    The other thing you've probably also heard but if you haven't seen your GP and uni support services then they can make a huge difference. It sounds like something like CBT could potentially really help you and they should be able to offer this or counselling/other therapy as well as potentially medication and more study/exam-specific help respectively. It does vary a lot uni to uni but worth looking into at least even if you don't end up using the support they offer for whatever reason.

    Hope that helps a bit, really well done for how far you've come already! It's a huge achievement from where it sounds like you were a year ago
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Missed your reply somehow and only saw it just now. Thanks for taking the time to respond
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wrote here a year ago about my issues of being alone/isolated/depressed starting uni. There has been good news in that I became good friends with my coursemates and hung out a lot with them which is certainly much better than the alternative of just being a complete loner and I'm definitely grateful for that and aware I'm lucky.
    However, I still don't feel like I improved as a person. I'm still as shy as ever and it's still as difficult to make new friends and have conversations with strangers as it ever was. This especially applies to the opposite sex as I was hoping to have a girlfriend by now, but it still seems utterly impossible...
    I hate being lonely but I've also never been very sociable. Over the course of last year I fought against my unsociable nature by going to a ton of uni social gatherings/pubs/clubs/flat parties and I never said no when my more sociable friends wanted to go out, even if I really didn't want to friggin go. If you've seen the movie Yes Man it was pretty much like that. I did this in the hopes that over time I would become more socially adept and friendly and start actually enjoying socialising with strangers and grow out of my loner shell.
    This hasn't happened and I'm still very awkward and insecure and my self confidence is extremely low...
    As I said I'm happy to have made friends with my coursemates and that was enough for a while but I had bigger goals than a handful of friends over lifetime (and zero girlfriends).
    I just wanted to put this out there, share your thoughts if you like.
    All the best
    This is my take. You're forcing yourself too much and trying too hard.If you're naturally shy that's who you are. You can make compromises, but don't force yourself to change completely and go when you really don't want to. You can invite 12 people over to a pizza party it doesn't have to be 30. Do what makes you feel comfortable first.

    I would recommend three books: How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie and Psychocybernetics by Dr Maxwell Maltz. I had very bad social anxiety just after I left secondary school- I used to find talking to strangers by phone hard too. The first taught me how to actually talk to people. But you still have to start off small.You can't go from zero to 100. If you're at Tesco smile at the cashier, ask them how they are. You'll get better with practice. You need to do things that push you out of your comfort zone, and slowly you will grow.

    I read somewhere that said our lives are a reflection of our self esteem and the way we see ourselves. Love yourself like your life depends on it by Kamal ravikant. That's te place to start.

    The sad thing is that we are alone to a certain extent. I used to like having people around because they were mainly a distraction for me. Weekends were a struggle whenever my old flatmate used to leave, but I was told to focus on being able to do things that I actually liked about being alone and it became more bearable.

    Are you getting help for your depression?
 
 
 
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Updated: November 22, 2016
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