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Advice and help on family issue please... Watch

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    #1

    Hello
    I dont know why i am doing this thread i guess i just want to vent and get things of my chest and see if any one could offer any advice or help to me.

    Well i never had it easy but then again who has, by the time i was 6 and over, my mother illnesses continued to get worse and at this time we only knew her physical illnesses and a few of her mental health diagnoses she had, due to the doctors at time couldnt see all of her illnesses.

    So from the age of 6 i was my mother's 24/7 carer, i would help her dress when her hands didnt work well and sort her hair and make up for her and was like a second mum to my brother. I would cook, clean the house, washing, sorting the money in my mums bank account out, shopping, and even making sure me mum had a medcation on time etc. My brother was too young to help me and i let him have his social life and a normal as can be life.

    I remember how it all started with me doing everything, my brother was asleep under the table and i was in my room, and i remember my mother calling me from her room and i went to her and sat next to her and she told me "i know your only 6 but we need food for tonight and other important things and i physical cant go" and so off i went with money and a shopping list. When i was 8, me and my brother walked into the kitchen on day and saw my mother over the sink and her arm wrapped in a towel and blood everywhere and thats how we found out she self harmed. That moment still scars me today.

    I gave up my social live to be there at home to take care of things. I admit life was tough, we barely had money and what little money we had, had to spent wisely in order to last. We never had money for treat or even gas/electric. My mother had days where she would go to bed for the day or days or even as long as a week and leave me in charge of everything. But there were happy memories as well, on my mum's good days.

    I use to lie and keep it a secret how bad things were getting at home just because of how scared i was to talk to someone about this. Me and my brother were left home alone many times due to my mother's support worker took mum every time she had to get taken to hospital or the doctor for check ups or infections in her cuts etc. One time when i was 12 she got really bad infections so the social worker stayed with me and my brother during the evening and he was just amazed by just how much of a adult i was in a situation like this.

    But in 2012 i refused to go to school from October on wards, due to i feared so badly that when i get home my mum is going to unconscious or dead and then when i was 13 on the 31st January 2013, me and my brother got taken from our mother, and placed into foster care for 6 months, it was tough to adjust to the having rules and not having to do everything and i was homesick tbh.

    During these 6 months, we for the first 2 weeks could only call our mum for 10 minutes each every day and then for the rest of the time it was all supervised contact. Then my grandparents (who i barely know and kinda of resented due to they know the situation with my mum when i lived with her and yet they did nothing) took my mum to court and legally took my mother's parental responsibility over her kids of her and they got legal guardianship over us. And so we got moved on to grandparents place, where also my uncle, aunt (as well as june 2016 my aunts bf) live.

    It was hard to adjust because they kept saying i can talk to family (but how can i when i had bottled up me emotions/feelings for so long). But when i moved to theirs i got to see my mum after a while unsupervised which was great and we started to rebuild our bond. But i was diagnoses as mute. My mother also got moved to supportive living.

    But in the build up to March 2015 i had a mental break down and went of the rails, due to i couldnt cope anymore. And this led to my grandparents ban contact with my mum and taking all my tech off me, but i got my tech back on the promise i give them to them before i go bed. My grandparents made life difficult for me due to they have a extreme dislike to my mother and they keep on at me saying "she will only want you for your money", "she a devious manipulative person we need to avoid" etc. All my family including my brother are against my mum.

    I fought for over a year to see my mum. Around my 16th birthday i was allowed to write to her. But in late September with the help of the school nurse i got my mums number and was (i thought) allowed to text her and call her, so i did. But when my grandparents saw this they flipped called me and my mother horrible names, i cant repeat and now read all my messages to my mum. :/ Then on my 17th birthday i was allowed to see her for a 1 hour but under the supervision of the school nurse, uncle, and aunt which made it very uncomfortable though.

    And every Tuesday during school time i have a phone call with my mum and my grandparents dont know this though, and i dont feel i am able to because im scared of the verbal abuse i will get back from them. They have been known many times to think im a devious manipulative and uncaring person.

    You know i dont think my family i live with understand how important a mother daughter bond is, like i feel my nan and aunt take their mother and daughter bond for granted and have never experience separation. And i will look at their close bond and other mothers and their kids and see the bonds they have and i just feel numb because all i want is a strong bond with my mother and see her.

    Why cant they see the progress my mother is making like she has moved out of supportive living and has her own flat, she has part time and full time jobs, she is a support worker at a place called insight. As well as she is getting her life back and coping better. But fail to see that.
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    You're probably the most caring person I've read about so far...
    Let me give you some advice, stop caring about your mum so much. I know that sounds horrible, but it's probably the best thing you can do. All you've done throughout life is worry and care for your mum, and you need a break. Even now, when you're nowhere near her, you're worrying. It's bad for your health. I understand what it's like to feel like the adult of the adult. It's scary, depressing and wrong. I know from experience. So, please take my advise and give yourself a few weeks, maybe a month without contacting her if it gets too much. Focus on yourself. Buy yourself a few nice things, clothes, sportswear, whatever. Maybe go to the gym a few times a week.
    Don't spend your life obsessing over someone else.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by sj.ssx)
    You're probably the most caring person I've read about so far...
    Let me give you some advice, stop caring about your mum so much. I know that sounds horrible, but it's probably the best thing you can do. All you've done throughout life is worry and care for your mum, and you need a break. Even now, when you're nowhere near her, you're worrying. It's bad for your health. I understand what it's like to feel like the adult of the adult. It's scary, depressing and wrong. I know from experience. So, please take my advise and give yourself a few weeks, maybe a month without contacting her if it gets too much. Focus on yourself. Buy yourself a few nice things, clothes, sportswear, whatever. Maybe go to the gym a few times a week.
    Don't spend your life obsessing over someone else.
    Thank you for the advice. But may i ask wont it make me feel worse if i dont contact me mum???
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for the advice. But may i ask wont it make me feel worse if i dont contact me mum???
    Well, when I stopped contacting my relative that was causing me stress similar to yours, forgetting about them was actually really helpful. You might feel bad, and make them feel bad, and as self-centred as this sounds, it's kind of like payback, and it feels good in a way.
    But everyone's different, and not might not be the same for you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by sj.ssx)
    Well, when I stopped contacting my relative that was causing me stress similar to yours, forgetting about them was actually really helpful. You might feel bad, and make them feel bad, and as self-centred as this sounds, it's kind of like payback, and it feels good in a way.
    But everyone's different, and not might not be the same for you.
    My mum believe or not is the only person who wants me and loves me out of all my family, so i dont think that would help but thank you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello
    I dont know why i am doing this thread i guess i just want to vent and get things of my chest and see if any one could offer any advice or help to me.

    Well i never had it easy but then again who has, by the time i was 6 and over, my mother illnesses continued to get worse and at this time we only knew her physical illnesses and a few of her mental health diagnoses she had, due to the doctors at time couldnt see all of her illnesses.

    So from the age of 6 i was my mother's 24/7 carer, i would help her dress when her hands didnt work well and sort her hair and make up for her and was like a second mum to my brother. I would cook, clean the house, washing, sorting the money in my mums bank account out, shopping, and even making sure me mum had a medcation on time etc. My brother was too young to help me and i let him have his social life and a normal as can be life.

    I remember how it all started with me doing everything, my brother was asleep under the table and i was in my room, and i remember my mother calling me from her room and i went to her and sat next to her and she told me "i know your only 6 but we need food for tonight and other important things and i physical cant go" and so off i went with money and a shopping list. When i was 8, me and my brother walked into the kitchen on day and saw my mother over the sink and her arm wrapped in a towel and blood everywhere and thats how we found out she self harmed. That moment still scars me today.

    I gave up my social live to be there at home to take care of things. I admit life was tough, we barely had money and what little money we had, had to spent wisely in order to last. We never had money for treat or even gas/electric. My mother had days where she would go to bed for the day or days or even as long as a week and leave me in charge of everything. But there were happy memories as well, on my mum's good days.

    I use to lie and keep it a secret how bad things were getting at home just because of how scared i was to talk to someone about this. Me and my brother were left home alone many times due to my mother's support worker took mum every time she had to get taken to hospital or the doctor for check ups or infections in her cuts etc. One time when i was 12 she got really bad infections so the social worker stayed with me and my brother during the evening and he was just amazed by just how much of a adult i was in a situation like this.

    But in 2012 i refused to go to school from October on wards, due to i feared so badly that when i get home my mum is going to unconscious or dead and then when i was 13 on the 31st January 2013, me and my brother got taken from our mother, and placed into foster care for 6 months, it was tough to adjust to the having rules and not having to do everything and i was homesick tbh.

    During these 6 months, we for the first 2 weeks could only call our mum for 10 minutes each every day and then for the rest of the time it was all supervised contact. Then my grandparents (who i barely know and kinda of resented due to they know the situation with my mum when i lived with her and yet they did nothing) took my mum to court and legally took my mother's parental responsibility over her kids of her and they got legal guardianship over us. And so we got moved on to grandparents place, where also my uncle, aunt (as well as june 2016 my aunts bf) live.

    It was hard to adjust because they kept saying i can talk to family (but how can i when i had bottled up me emotions/feelings for so long). But when i moved to theirs i got to see my mum after a while unsupervised which was great and we started to rebuild our bond. But i was diagnoses as mute. My mother also got moved to supportive living.

    But in the build up to March 2015 i had a mental break down and went of the rails, due to i couldnt cope anymore. And this led to my grandparents ban contact with my mum and taking all my tech off me, but i got my tech back on the promise i give them to them before i go bed. My grandparents made life difficult for me due to they have a extreme dislike to my mother and they keep on at me saying "she will only want you for your money", "she a devious manipulative person we need to avoid" etc. All my family including my brother are against my mum.

    I fought for over a year to see my mum. Around my 16th birthday i was allowed to write to her. But in late September with the help of the school nurse i got my mums number and was (i thought) allowed to text her and call her, so i did. But when my grandparents saw this they flipped called me and my mother horrible names, i cant repeat and now read all my messages to my mum. :/ Then on my 17th birthday i was allowed to see her for a 1 hour but under the supervision of the school nurse, uncle, and aunt which made it very uncomfortable though.

    And every Tuesday during school time i have a phone call with my mum and my grandparents dont know this though, and i dont feel i am able to because im scared of the verbal abuse i will get back from them. They have been known many times to think im a devious manipulative and uncaring person.

    You know i dont think my family i live with understand how important a mother daughter bond is, like i feel my nan and aunt take their mother and daughter bond for granted and have never experience separation. And i will look at their close bond and other mothers and their kids and see the bonds they have and i just feel numb because all i want is a strong bond with my mother and see her.

    Why cant they see the progress my mother is making like she has moved out of supportive living and has her own flat, she has part time and full time jobs, she is a support worker at a place called insight. As well as she is getting her life back and coping better. But fail to see that.
    A bit i forgot to include:

    I fear i suffer depression and so frighten of the fact i may too have BDP (Borderline Personality Disorder). I admit i cut my self alot due to two main reasons
    one: the physical pain created is easier to deal with than the mental pain.
    two: i hate myself, i hate my very own soul.

    I also make myself sick and barely eat due to i fear im terribly overweight and am obese. I skip meals alot as well.
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    Do you have a counsellor? If not I suggest you get yourself down to your GP and request some therapy because it sounds like you really need some help coping.No one can tell you what to do with your mum. When you have a relative who has caused you a lot of pain it's a case of choosing the lesser of two evils... does the reminder of the bad times cause you more pain or would not seeing them at all cause you more pain. You have to make the choice that is right for you.You're getting close to being an adult now so if your grandparents don't approve it's not really their business anymore, you're old enough to make the decision yourself and have enough freedom now that you can keep it quiet if you need to.
 
 
 
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Updated: October 21, 2016
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