What if the guy who 'raped me' doesn't know that he raped me

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    Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
    I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
    I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??
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    Jesus Christ, you did not just cite caselaw to someone who thinks they might have been raped.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
    I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
    I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??
    Contact your nearest rape crisis centre and you can talk it through with them in confidence or you can just ring the helpline.
    http://rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
    0808 802 9999 between 12 noon – 2.30pm and 7 – 9.30pm any day of the year and also between 3 - 5.30pm on weekdays
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
    I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
    I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??

    You didn't 'lead him on' at all
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
    I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
    I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??
    What do you mean by 'lead him on' and how do you know he has no idea? If you were so drunk you couldn't do anything about it, how did he know you wanted sex?

    Personally, I would have wanted to tell him first. That may not be possible for all sorts of reasons. Not everyone takes well being told that they raped someone, for one thing...

    Having told other people, it may or may not get back to him. He may get in touch with you about it, or he may not.

    Ultimately, you've told your truth. How supportive have the friends been? Have you looked for other sources of support?

    (TSR is unlikely to count: the rape apologists are going to start blaming you before too long.)
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    (Original post by johnTroy1)
    And can I ask how you know she didn't lead him on? Since you were clearly there I guess you can testify this in court for her? Easy days now

    No-one 'leads' anyone on like that, even a 5 year old would understand that concept. No means no, and being drunk certainly doesn't mean 'try to have sex with me
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    (Original post by Unown Uzer)
    If you 'led him on', i.e. gave him reasonable belief to think that you were consenting, then a court may not necessarily find him guilty of rape. It depends on whether you remained capable of choosing whether to have intercourse.

    "In R v Bree [2007] EWCA 256, the Court of Appeal explored the issue of capacity and consent, stating that, if, through drink, or for any other reason, a complainant had temporarily lost her capacity to choose whether to have sexual intercourse, she was not consenting, and subject to the defendant's state of mind, if intercourse took place, that would be rape. However, where a complainant had voluntarily consumed substantial quantities of alcohol, but nevertheless remained capable of choosing whether to have intercourse, and agreed to do so, that would not be rape. Further, they identified that capacity to consent may evaporate well before a complainant becomes unconscious. Whether this is so or not, however, depends on the facts of the case."

    It's common for many rape victims to feel that they were at fault, and to blame. Many think erroneously that they are to blame because they led the person on. You have received no detailed information on what happened, but have taken it upon yourself to tell another that because she led him on (based on no details) the court may not think it rape. And you've used case law to back this up.


    You need to be a lot more wise with your posts in future. Because some people may take your advice seriously, and a rape victim already shrouded in self-blame, doubt and anxiety may use it to not come forward. And then if this was a case of rape, the perpetrator would repeat his actions because his past behaviour has led to no consequences.

    This is not the classroom, this involves real people, and a woman who in the title quite clearly believes she was raped. Think twice before flippantly informing a person whether they were raped or not, because that is essentially what you did.
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    You will find that this issue may provoke a lot of very strong opinions/reactions from other people. I don't have any specific advice, particularly as (as is often the case) only you and he know what happened, who said/did what, etc etc. I hope you are able to deal with this in whatever way you choose as there is no clear right or wrong way forward from this point.

    Edit: Having looked through some of the other replies, this is probably the wrong forum in which to seek advice as there are a lot of people around who think they understand the issues when they clearly do not. I suggest disregarding the advice of anyone who declares whether or not you were raped based on the skeleton details in your opening post.
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    (Original post by johnTroy1)
    I don't think for a minute she was fully consensual. But in his defence, it had happened before and from what I've read, it sounds like the flirting was a two way thing which would have lead him to believe it was okay. For the avoidance of doubt, I understand her argument and am not sticking up for the male 'just because'.
    Flirting doesn't make it okay. But, yeah something is seriously wrong with him.
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    Were you both drunk? I'm not sure whether this is rape, unless you tried to stop him and he continued to do so. Did you kiss him back etc?
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    (Original post by StfuPls)
    This is the problem. OP regrets it.

    By even daring to confess that you 'lead him on' means you gave all the signals to have sex. You have not even hinted at the fact that you said no. You were most likely both drunk, had a ons and now you regret it because you feel like a slut - not saying you are one. You are not.
    But that is the way you're forcing yourself to feel.

    Therefore, at this current climate it is easy to say rape. The severity of rape is being significantly diminished as a result.

    You were not raped. You had sex which you in hindsight, regret.
    I agree, I don't think it was rape either.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
    I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
    I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??
    Leave it - this happened ages ago. I am sorry but you were drunk and you have to take some responsibility for your actions.

    I know the feminazis will have a field day with me saying this. *Men will have sex if it is offered to them.

    Just take a lesson from this.*
    #2

    (Original post by Nirvana1989-1994)
    No-one 'leads' anyone on like that, even a 5 year old would understand that concept. No means no, and being drunk certainly doesn't mean 'try and f*** me'
    She never stated anywhere in her first post that she said 'no' though. I don't know whether she did or didn't get raped, I wasn't there but from the (very minimal) details in the first post it sounds like both parties drank too much and now OP regrets what happened
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    She never stated anywhere in her first post that she said 'no' though. I don't know whether she did or didn't get raped, I wasn't there but from the (very minimal) details in the first post it sounds like both parties drank too much and now OP regrets what happened
    Lol, you quickly just posting again on anon.

    And, I meant 'no' in general.
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    If you lead him on and didn't say no then how is it rape?
    #2

    (Original post by Nirvana1989-1994)
    Lol, you quickly just posting again on anon.

    And, I meant 'no' in general.
    Ha yeah because I'm in enough debates at the moment Wanted the option not to come back and post if I got a load of abuse.

    I'm not saying she wasn't raped, and as I said unless you were there none of us can say. My point was, she never explains in her first post how it was rape. If she didn't say no or act in a way that suggested no, how was the male meant to know she didn't want sex? He's not a mind reader - if in her head she didn't sex but her body is giving a different story you can't blame him. Particularly if they've had sex in the past.
    I understand being drunk makes it more confusing but he was drunk as well, so does that mean she took advantage of him? It's a very blurry area when drinking.because If he genuinely did rape her that's disgusting and I hope she gets the help she needs/he gets brought to justice. But the OP has given very few details so we will never know. Regretting having sex with someone after, and suggesting you were taken advntage of because you'd been drinking (when you know its not the case) isn't the same as rape though.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ha yeah because I'm in enough debates at the moment Wanted the option not to come back and post if I got a load of abuse.

    I'm not saying she wasn't raped, and as I said unless you were there none of us can say. My point was, she never explains in her first post how it was rape. If she didn't say no or act in a way that suggested no, how was the male meant to know she didn't want sex? He's not a mind reader - if in her head she didn't sex but her body is giving a different story you can't blame him. Particularly if they've had sex in the past.
    I understand being drunk makes it more confusing but he was drunk as well, so does that mean she took advantage of him? It's a very blurry area when drinking.because If he genuinely did rape her that's disgusting and I hope she gets the help she needs/he gets brought to justice. But the OP has given very few details so we will never know. Regretting having sex with someone after, and suggesting you were taken advntage of because you'd been drinking (when you know its not the case) isn't the same as rape though.
    I'm not going to abuse you, brah.

    I was on about saying 'no' I'm general, which can be applied to loads of situations.

    Also, as I said to someone else, her flirting with him doesn't make what he did okay, if that is what he did. I'm also sick of this 'leading them on' crap that seems to be prevalent in a lot of rape cases. But, OP should give us more details lol.
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    Drop it. This is not rape.
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    (Original post by StfuPls)
    This is the problem. OP regrets it.

    By even daring to confess that you 'lead him on' means you gave all the signals to have sex. You have not even hinted at the fact that you said no. You were most likely both drunk, had a ons and now you regret it because you feel like a slut - not saying you are one. You are not.
    But that is the way you're forcing yourself to feel.

    Therefore, at this current climate it is easy to say rape. The severity of rape is being significantly diminished as a result.

    You were not raped. You had sex which you in hindsight, regret.
    (Original post by Ishax)
    I agree, I don't think it was rape either.
    (Original post by Lemon Haze)
    Drop it. This is not rape.
    (Original post by Inzamam99)
    If you lead him on and didn't say no then how is it rape?
    The only details we have people, is the OP saying she "led him on".
    Do you not understand how ambiguous that is? What one individual defines as "leading another on" can be completely different to anothers.

    She may simply think she led him on because she kissed him first, or it may be because she allowed him to touch her a certain way, that she feels she led him on.

    Allowing someone to kiss you or touch you does not in anyway imply consent, it does not diminish a claim of non-consensual sex because it is classed as "leading the person on".

    It might be that she led him on in a different way, making him truly believe she was consenting, but until or if, she provides us with more details we CANNOT SAY. You as mere lay people, have absolutely no right, no place, to tell a woman whether her belief that she was raped, is valid or not.


    If you are not mature enough to provide advice to a real individual regarding her belief that she was raped, read the thread by all means, but do not tell her that she is wrong in thinking she was raped.
    For all you know she could well have been raped, and your flippant remarks might have discouraged her from coming forward.

    This isn't just the internet, it's not a pathetic online debate where you can throw around the word "feminazi". This is a real life individual, who believes she was raped. The sheer audacity. I'm not saying it's rape or it isn't, we simply cannot know with the lack of details provided. And neither should you.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    The only details we have people, is the OP saying she "led him on".
    Do you not understand how ambiguous that is? What one individual defines as "leading another on" can be completely different to anothers.

    She may simply think she led him on because she kissed him first, or it may be because she allowed him to touch her a certain way, that she feels she led him on.

    Allowing someone to kiss you or touch you does not in anyway imply consent, it does diminish a claim of non-consensual sex because it is classed as "leading the person on".

    It might be that she led him on in a different way, making him truly believe she was consenting, but until or if, she provides us with more details we CANNOT SAY. You as mere lay people, have absolutely no right, no place, to tell a woman whether her belief that she was raped, is valid or not.


    If you are not mature enough to provide advice to a real individual regarding her belief that she was raped, read the thread by all means, but do not tell her that she is wrong in thinking she was raped.
    For all you know she could well have been raped, and your flippant remarks might have discouraged her from coming forward.

    This isn't just the internet, it's not a pathetic online debate where you can throw around the word "feminazi". This is a real life individual, who believes she was raped. The sheer audacity. I'm not saying it's rape or it isn't, we simply cannot know with the lack of details provided. And neither should you.
    But if she did kiss him then she should have stopped him and said no? Kissing someone does give a hint that you're interested in them in a intimate way. She hasn't mentioned she tried to stop him etc? If she didn't did fair enough rape its rape. As she told him to stop but he continued to do so. In my opinion, kissing does majority of the time start of to doing other sexual things together.
 
 
 
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