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Im lonely
About 3 years ago I started talking to a girl who I had met on an internet forum, we had plenty in common. Naturally we shared phone numbers and we started talking for hours on the phone to each other. Strange as it sounds I fell in love with her (badly) and I started to care for her, those feelings were intensified when we met. Unfortunately despite sharing several kisses, she did not feel the same about me as I did about her and she did not want a relationship and was reluctant to see me again. I was so mortified by this that I did try to kill my self, unfortunately I failed. Several months went by then I was arrested for a trivial crime (by that I mean I did not harm/hurt/deprive anyone but myself) and when the day came for me to be sentenced, I got a short(ish) prison sentence. Due to the slow turning cogs of the UK 'justice' system, it took the case at least 18 months to come to court, by which my life was on hold for that that amount of time and I did not do anything productive but simply hold down some trivial jobs.
I have now been discharged and have came out of the whole thing relatively unscathed physically, but mentally I am screwed up. I feel morbidly lonely, I have diagnosed myself with manic depression, paranoia and thus (possibly) schizophrenia. Since I was released I have become a recluse and don't go out until I really have to, I have lost all my friends and the only things I get pleasure from in life are playing my guitar (classical acoustic) and drawing/painting. I have gone down hill from there, there are days when I feel like killing myself and days when I feel really up-beat and quite positive. I have started stealing codeine phosphate tablets and taking large quantities to experience the narcotic effects, which I enjoy, which makes me feel like buying and smoking heroin to feel a proper opiate kick. However, yesterday I went to the shops, bought a bottle of wine, a bottle absinthe (vincent van gogh the greatest, my fav. artist - he used to like a few dabs of absinthe!) and some lager and drank. After I had drank the wine, I started thinking of the girl who I met years ago and started crying, it really hurt. I thought about her (won't go into details), how she could have changed my miserable life, and how much I still love her. The alcohol just intensified the memories I have of her, how she broke my ****ing heart, and how I can't get over her.
Mainly I just can't see a future for myself, I have even accepted that when I have painted and drew enough pictures that if my life does not change, I will kill myself (like the great vincent), I have accepted it and it makes me feel contempt. I know that I just really need a girlfriend because I have never had a proper relationship (I also know that I won't meet anyone being on my own all day, but getting out of this rut is difficult) and thus somebody to talk to, I feel so damn lonely, no one even knows I exist anymore, I just wanted to tell somebody. I don’t know where to go or what to do, I'm helpless, maybe another persons point of view can help.
Thanks for listening.
I have now been discharged and have came out of the whole thing relatively unscathed physically, but mentally I am screwed up. I feel morbidly lonely, I have diagnosed myself with manic depression, paranoia and thus (possibly) schizophrenia. Since I was released I have become a recluse and don't go out until I really have to, I have lost all my friends and the only things I get pleasure from in life are playing my guitar (classical acoustic) and drawing/painting. I have gone down hill from there, there are days when I feel like killing myself and days when I feel really up-beat and quite positive. I have started stealing codeine phosphate tablets and taking large quantities to experience the narcotic effects, which I enjoy, which makes me feel like buying and smoking heroin to feel a proper opiate kick. However, yesterday I went to the shops, bought a bottle of wine, a bottle absinthe (vincent van gogh the greatest, my fav. artist - he used to like a few dabs of absinthe!) and some lager and drank. After I had drank the wine, I started thinking of the girl who I met years ago and started crying, it really hurt. I thought about her (won't go into details), how she could have changed my miserable life, and how much I still love her. The alcohol just intensified the memories I have of her, how she broke my ****ing heart, and how I can't get over her.
Mainly I just can't see a future for myself, I have even accepted that when I have painted and drew enough pictures that if my life does not change, I will kill myself (like the great vincent), I have accepted it and it makes me feel contempt. I know that I just really need a girlfriend because I have never had a proper relationship (I also know that I won't meet anyone being on my own all day, but getting out of this rut is difficult) and thus somebody to talk to, I feel so damn lonely, no one even knows I exist anymore, I just wanted to tell somebody. I don’t know where to go or what to do, I'm helpless, maybe another persons point of view can help.
Thanks for listening.
Reply 1
Get yourself to a doctor. Explain it all.
I knew I was depressed or at least something was 'wrong' for about 2 years before I went to a doctor, and the only reason I did so was because my insomnia caused from the depression became so bad that I desperately needed something to help me sleep. He started asking me questions and diagnosed me with depression.
You will get the help you need. Doctors take mental health far more seriously than society as a whole does, the biggest thing I was afraid of was that he'd just laugh me out for being a moody teenager, which is absurd but it's how I felt.
Some hints for you though:
Don't walk in saying you have x y z problems. Explain how you feel and see what he says. If you think he/she is missing the point then arrange another appointment and say you've done some research in the time between.
Don't mention your substance abuse problems unless you really have to. Some doctors are heavily stigmatized against it and will withhold medication from you that you would otherwise get.
Codeine is available over the counter in pharmacies. Small family run pharmacies should have bottles of cough syrup containing it which they can sell you if they want, which is probably better than stealing it.
I knew I was depressed or at least something was 'wrong' for about 2 years before I went to a doctor, and the only reason I did so was because my insomnia caused from the depression became so bad that I desperately needed something to help me sleep. He started asking me questions and diagnosed me with depression.
You will get the help you need. Doctors take mental health far more seriously than society as a whole does, the biggest thing I was afraid of was that he'd just laugh me out for being a moody teenager, which is absurd but it's how I felt.
Some hints for you though:
Don't walk in saying you have x y z problems. Explain how you feel and see what he says. If you think he/she is missing the point then arrange another appointment and say you've done some research in the time between.
Don't mention your substance abuse problems unless you really have to. Some doctors are heavily stigmatized against it and will withhold medication from you that you would otherwise get.
Codeine is available over the counter in pharmacies. Small family run pharmacies should have bottles of cough syrup containing it which they can sell you if they want, which is probably better than stealing it.
Reply 2
Mmmmmkay.
Firstly I'd like to say that I do not believe that just because this one relationship with the girl you met off the net stuffed up caused you all this grief.
Ask yourself some questions...what was your childhood like, relationships with parents and other friends, have you ever been abused, tough childhood, broken family? Any of that?
Because I some how think being 'rejected' by this girl goes a whole lot further. I know what it's like to have 'feelings' for someone over the net, but people in real life are usually different. And it's obvious you both weren't in love, so that's a plus side, just one sided aye? I don't think this lasted long between y'all anyway. Maybe she was your first, I don't know. But it was ONE girl, she probably didnt really **** you over, you ****ed yourself over by getting way too emotionally involved too fast. Seriously you need to get over her, move on, as hard as it may be. Talk to a pro if you must!
And to this I just wanna say, don't think that your life will miraculously turn around if you had a partner...it's not true.
Firstly I'd like to say that I do not believe that just because this one relationship with the girl you met off the net stuffed up caused you all this grief.
Ask yourself some questions...what was your childhood like, relationships with parents and other friends, have you ever been abused, tough childhood, broken family? Any of that?
Because I some how think being 'rejected' by this girl goes a whole lot further. I know what it's like to have 'feelings' for someone over the net, but people in real life are usually different. And it's obvious you both weren't in love, so that's a plus side, just one sided aye? I don't think this lasted long between y'all anyway. Maybe she was your first, I don't know. But it was ONE girl, she probably didnt really **** you over, you ****ed yourself over by getting way too emotionally involved too fast. Seriously you need to get over her, move on, as hard as it may be. Talk to a pro if you must!
I know that I just really need a girlfriend because I have never had a proper relationship
And to this I just wanna say, don't think that your life will miraculously turn around if you had a partner...it's not true.
Reply 3
You need to learn to love yourself, before anyone can love you back. Learn to love yourself, it may take years but one day the right someone will come along. Don't go looking for them, let the come to you. Don't worry about it for now, just learn to just be with yourself for now. Time will heal things for you.
I hope this helps.
I hope this helps.
Reply 4
sweetface.
You need to learn to love yourself, before anyone can love you back. Learn to love yourself, it may take years but one day the right someone will come along. Don't go looking for them, let the come to you. Don't worry about it for now, just learn to just be with yourself for now. Time will heal things for you.
I hope this helps.
I hope this helps.
And the multiple cliche award goes to...
Sorry, I know you were trying to help.
OP: you sound hideously messed up. Nobody on here can really help you, you have to get yourself to the docs quicksmart. I agree with Blackswan: there must be more to it than this girl?
Reply 5
Please get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible.
Reply 6
Laces
And the multiple cliche award goes to...
Sorry, I know you were trying to help.
Sorry, I know you were trying to help.
Lol, I know. Sorry about all those cliche things, but it's true.
Op needs to learn to love themselves before anyone can love you back.
Reply 7
Wow sounds like you've got some real problems. Killing yourself over a girl you met on the internet. What can I say? Good luck with life lol
Reply 8
why some topics are locked espicialy those about Islam
you sound like a very talented and inteligent guy, dont let it go to waste! im sure youll get yourself through it. btw i used to suffer from depression until i discovered exercise (especially weights), when your lying on the floor absolutly drained of energy it gives you a very strong natural high. i garuntee once youve experienced that you will look for it again!
good luck mate
good luck mate
Reply 10
i won't offer advice cos you don't need advice.
you are quite aware of your situation and can when looking back gather an understanding of what may have led to you being in this dark dark place.
i think being lonely isn't to do with people being in your company is it?
its more to do with having a connection with people, them feeling the same way as you and being accepted and to certain extents understood.
being in such a horrible place(mentally), socializing can be difficult and unrewarding, a frustrating expirience at times.
you use the word trivial alot and it is a word that comes up in my vocabulary all too often and on that point the tiniest things can mean alot(like gestures, tone of voice, the right words at the right time), and the things that are concieved as being important in other peoples lives are simply trivial. as morrisey said "this says nothing to me about my life" and people around you do seem to be living in this alternative reality that you/i/us don't exist in.
all i will add is don't look to the past and don't look to the future because one is filled with regret, bitterness and an empty feeling and the other one big ****ing mystery.
just live in the present when you can i find it so much easier to cope with things that way.
have you been doc's?, i found the meds work better than booze.
you can pretty much demand to be put on them and they have helped me to well shut my emotions down abit.
drinking is just a bad idea in my own expirience i just ended up cutting myself or go lookiing for a fight and at some point probly cry like a baby.
i have no friends , my past seems a farse and i feel completely alone but hey things can only get better.
having a low responsibity job helps me, you don't care for the peope around you and you only tell them what you want about yourself (and yiu get paid), its almost escapism.
all the best dude.
ps. i've heard valium is very strong and good for shutting down, surely better than smack.
you are quite aware of your situation and can when looking back gather an understanding of what may have led to you being in this dark dark place.
i think being lonely isn't to do with people being in your company is it?
its more to do with having a connection with people, them feeling the same way as you and being accepted and to certain extents understood.
being in such a horrible place(mentally), socializing can be difficult and unrewarding, a frustrating expirience at times.
you use the word trivial alot and it is a word that comes up in my vocabulary all too often and on that point the tiniest things can mean alot(like gestures, tone of voice, the right words at the right time), and the things that are concieved as being important in other peoples lives are simply trivial. as morrisey said "this says nothing to me about my life" and people around you do seem to be living in this alternative reality that you/i/us don't exist in.
all i will add is don't look to the past and don't look to the future because one is filled with regret, bitterness and an empty feeling and the other one big ****ing mystery.
just live in the present when you can i find it so much easier to cope with things that way.
have you been doc's?, i found the meds work better than booze.
you can pretty much demand to be put on them and they have helped me to well shut my emotions down abit.
drinking is just a bad idea in my own expirience i just ended up cutting myself or go lookiing for a fight and at some point probly cry like a baby.
i have no friends , my past seems a farse and i feel completely alone but hey things can only get better.
having a low responsibity job helps me, you don't care for the peope around you and you only tell them what you want about yourself (and yiu get paid), its almost escapism.
all the best dude.
ps. i've heard valium is very strong and good for shutting down, surely better than smack.
Reply 11
A whaaa?
I'm confused, you're going to bag yourself a girlfriend then kill yourself in the style of vincent van gough (when your art is finished). Have you ever wondered where all this has come from? What it is exactly that makes you feel like there is no hope. I understand that depression is an illness and a difficut one to get over but revelling in morbidity is about all you seem to be doing.
Sort yourself out mate, you'd not be tragic you'd be a statistic. You need to get your life on track before you consider a relationship as you'd only cling to them for emotional support and it would become unhealthy and unfair to the girl.
See a doctor, suggest psychological treatment.
I'm confused, you're going to bag yourself a girlfriend then kill yourself in the style of vincent van gough (when your art is finished). Have you ever wondered where all this has come from? What it is exactly that makes you feel like there is no hope. I understand that depression is an illness and a difficut one to get over but revelling in morbidity is about all you seem to be doing.
Sort yourself out mate, you'd not be tragic you'd be a statistic. You need to get your life on track before you consider a relationship as you'd only cling to them for emotional support and it would become unhealthy and unfair to the girl.
See a doctor, suggest psychological treatment.
Reply 12
Thanks for the input, however, posting my problems on a public forum was a silly idea. Could a mod please delete this asap.
Reply 13
Anonymous
Thanks for the input, however, posting my problems on a public forum was a silly idea. Could a mod please delete this asap.
Despite you being anonymous? :/
Reply 14
I think you're trying to make yourself into a tragic, love-riddled poet/artist. That's a bit weird, and the internet girl obsession's not right. I wonder if this may have been made up. Maybe not, just an inkling...
blackswan
And to this I just wanna say, don't think that your life will miraculously turn around if you had a partner...it's not true.
Unfortunately, I've suffered that very same cognitive dissonance myself; re-iterate the maxim all you like, but rest assured that his mind is highly unlikely to permit him to concur until its truth becomes self-evident.
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