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I'm so depressed it's becoming unbearable. watch

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Recently I lost what I can describe as the only stroke of good luck in my life. I've grown up in a family with mental health issues with two parents who despise eachother but don't divorce for financial reasons, we have very limited money. There's are many arguments snd it's very painful. The situation has tied knots in my head and I've run away from home many times ( including my 16th birthday) but have always been found in 12 hours. I guess my family loves me. I've had issues with bullying when my closest friends began to bully me in attempt to socially climb. I was terrified to go to school. They used to laugh at what I said, and the nervous stutter after it. I became a clown and I despised myself. Once, I did a bad thing where ones phone was left open on a recent conversation she'd had. And it was with my other friends, and the whole conversation was just making fun of me. My voice, my race, my nose, my eyes, eye brows, lips, odour, size, family. I went home and self harmed for the first time and it became an addiction. I was so embarrassed of how I looked. . I illogically googled reincarnation fantasising I could kill myself and be born in a less despicable form. The saddest part is that the conversation on their phone was immediately after I'd hinted to one, one who I thought was nicer and would still speak to me, what I'd be getting them for Christmas. Though some members of my school were supportive, others made it much, much worse. For me, getting good grades was a saviour. It would protect and save me and meant my future was different. I could mask my horrendous physical form. I was in middle and bottom set, and I loathed many of my teachers. Especially the incompetent ones. The ones who say to the most hard working students ' you don't have it in you to get an A'. They watch you with one eye half open and believe they have godly foresight and prophetic powers. More than lift you they limit you, and cage you into their judgement and predictions. They used to ring up home every time I missed a lesson ' he will not get his target grades of Bs if he doesn't come to school'. I averaged 2 grades above that. Then came the next wave, physical sickness. I was terrified, this is the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I had surgeries, very major ones which I'm still healing from . The first stroke of light in my life was an escape from all this, one which came as a result of my hard work and education. I got good a levels and found an escape in university, one of the best, something which has been my light and something I've hoped for through all this. Unfortunately, after unexpectedly bad A Level results I lost it. And now I feel like everything which I've fought against means nothing at all. i know I can still go to university but I feel like I didn't need to loose this as well. I've worked really hard for it. Now I'm resitting but I've ever been more depressed. Not about missing my uni, but about everything else. It meant nothing. I'm definitely over reacting. But my one coping mechanism has gone. There's no karma or anything, it's just randomn good and bad luck. I'm hoping I get a stroke of good luck one day which lasts. I've been fighting off suicidal thoughts and plans with my therapists, but I'm getting tired. How do I convince myself that life isn't meaningless, and that dreams are pointless ? I've always been ambitious but right now I think I should just accept my life will be awful. Sorry if I sound dramatic but I've never felt this bad in my life. Looking back at everything makes me scared to look ahead.
    • #2
    #2

    Hey, I'm going to try my best to not sound clichéd because I know how frustrating that is. However, please try and listen even the tiniest bit to what I am going to say. The things that you have been through sound awful and for somebody to bully you after knowing your past is simply scum. I finished my A-Levels last year and after stressing out beyond imagination but ending up getting pretty decent GCSEs, I thought A-Levels would be the same. Boy was I wrong. Within the first two weeks my parents were in school seeing my teachers about me "overdoing it" which was very unusual considering the last time my parents had to come into school apart from an open day was when I was like 7 about something completely unrelated, so I realised I must've been overworking myself as I hadn't even realised at the time that it wasn't normal to be constantly down and stressed and doing homework until the early hours of the morning every day. Anyway, cut to last year and both years in a row, I didn't have above a C in any exam or piece of coursework, which I appreciate more in hindsight but at the time was a big blow considering I was hoping to do medicine at uni and on results day, I went home and felt my lowest for hours and stayed in my room, unable to cry due to being filled with pure numbness, until I fell asleep. I'd started taking antidepressants and seeing a counsellor (at school of my own accord). These things helped a bit and talking about my problems to someone outside of my immediate bubble of family and friends was a big relief at some points. However, I slowly realised that during this time I wasn't getting better, I was just "coping", and badly, at that. There were some times when I would just cry and cry for no reason and then I'd feel guilty when I told someone about it because I told myself I was just doing it for attention, but this was NOT the case as this is just something that people who have never experienced mental health issues make you think. The reason I'm telling you all this crap is because despite feeling like **** for a very long time and feeling like a failure at school, having two siblings who are great at sport and who have the "looks" and thinking that school was MY thing only to have flopped at it so badly, I am still here. Even after telling myself that if I didn't get into uni I might actually kill myself and then not actually getting in to uni, I am still here. I thought, for a while, that this was because I was a coward and maybe I was actually lying to myself and "feeling down" for attention but after this last year which I took as a gap year to work and travel, I've learned that not living was the worst possible thing I could have chosen to do. What I realised is that I wasn't done with living, I was actually done with NOT living, because at school that was exactly what I was doing. I hated every minute of my a-levels and no matter what people say about "oh but it was a fun time" then that just makes me glad that they didn't experience it like I did, because it definitely was not fun. So fast forward to now, I've been on a trip with Camp America and found some great friends who I would not have met at uni, from the US and from the UK. And going on this trip knowing nobody, despite being very hard at first, actually enabled me to get to know myself a lot more, which has made me slightly more confident in myself and slightly more motivated to get what I want. I'm not going to say I am miraculously cured because I am not, I still have my downs and spend some days in bed, but I feel like I have learnt a lot this past year and I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. I applied again. And again. And again to uni through extra first, and when that failed, through clearing to the point where I was on a coach in America, speaking to admissions tutors until I finally got an interview. If it wasn't for this interview, I was strongly considering extending my visa and studying out there with the help of people I'd met, as I didn't think anywhere would take me in the UK, but it just turned out that all I needed in this instance was a bit of persistence and hope. So, a few things I'd like to say to you to finish up. First, you may feel like because you got bad grades and it being your only "lucky stroke" that the world is over, but please listen to me when I say it's not. I personally believe that everything happens for a reason, and even if you do not think like this, try and look at this type of thing with the "as one door closes, another one opens" attitude, because it is true if you look hard enough for your "door". Second, about grades again, you may or may not be like me, but I found that once I stopped comparing myself to others, my "failures" didn't feel as bad as they had done before as I could start focusing on myself and improving myself more, rather than what others were doing or achieving. Another thing is that what you have been through in terms of bullies is awful, but when you leave school, all these people who were once "important" are actually really not and they will one day experience problems of their own. The plus side here is that you are going through this "existential crisis" a lot earlier in life than they are partially thanks to them, so you are getting it out of the way and will come out of it a much stronger person but they will go through this later in life when they're stuck in their sad little lives that revolve around putting others down, and this will drive people away from them. Another thing is that no matter what happens this year, whether you're not happy with your grades again or pass your exams with flying colours, there are SO many options for you, and even then there are so many paths that lead to one thing. So, try to remember that if things don't go to plan, it isn't the end of your goals, and you just have to find another way of achieving your goal, and in other cases you need to recognise when it's time to find a new goal, or adjust an old one, because not knowing what's going to happen next in life can be very exciting if you think about it. Finally, and this point is something I want to stress the most, please speak to someone. It can be anyone. It is so difficult to first talk about it because you don't know how the person will react and also because speaking about it makes it seem "real", but the truth is the problem is already very real for you, so it IS "real". This is where I'm going to say something extremely (hypocritically) clichéd, but it is true that a problem shared is a problem halved as I know that when you share something that you've been keeping secret for a while, it feels like a literal weight has been lifted from your shoulders and your chest feels a lot less tight. If you can't find anyone like this, a school counsellor can be very helpful, I still meet up with mine occasionally even though I've left school, just to catch up. Your GP can also be very helpful in telling you what your next steps could be and the best part is that because you're over 16, your parents don't even have to know if you don't want them to, but if you tell them how you truly feel, I'm sure they'd want to help you anyway. You have started on the path to recovery by simply posting here, so hang in there bud. You are by no means alone in this. Please post back on this thread if you need anything or if you just want to talk
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Recently I lost what I can describe as the only stroke of good luck in my life. I've grown up in a family with mental health issues with two parents who despise eachother but don't divorce for financial reasons, we have very limited money. There's are many arguments snd it's very painful. The situation has tied knots in my head and I've run away from home many times ( including my 16th birthday) but have always been found in 12 hours. I guess my family loves me. I've had issues with bullying when my closest friends began to bully me in attempt to socially climb. I was terrified to go to school. They used to laugh at what I said, and the nervous stutter after it. I became a clown and I despised myself. Once, I did a bad thing where ones phone was left open on a recent conversation she'd had. And it was with my other friends, and the whole conversation was just making fun of me. My voice, my race, my nose, my eyes, eye brows, lips, odour, size, family. I went home and self harmed for the first time and it became an addiction. I was so embarrassed of how I looked. . I illogically googled reincarnation fantasising I could kill myself and be born in a less despicable form. The saddest part is that the conversation on their phone was immediately after I'd hinted to one, one who I thought was nicer and would still speak to me, what I'd be getting them for Christmas. Though some members of my school were supportive, others made it much, much worse. For me, getting good grades was a saviour. It would protect and save me and meant my future was different. I could mask my horrendous physical form. I was in middle and bottom set, and I loathed many of my teachers. Especially the incompetent ones. The ones who say to the most hard working students ' you don't have it in you to get an A'. They watch you with one eye half open and believe they have godly foresight and prophetic powers. More than lift you they limit you, and cage you into their judgement and predictions. They used to ring up home every time I missed a lesson ' he will not get his target grades of Bs if he doesn't come to school'. I averaged 2 grades above that. Then came the next wave, physical sickness. I was terrified, this is the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I had surgeries, very major ones which I'm still healing from . The first stroke of light in my life was an escape from all this, one which came as a result of my hard work and education. I got good a levels and found an escape in university, one of the best, something which has been my light and something I've hoped for through all this. Unfortunately, after unexpectedly bad A Level results I lost it. And now I feel like everything which I've fought against means nothing at all. i know I can still go to university but I feel like I didn't need to loose this as well. I've worked really hard for it. Now I'm resitting but I've ever been more depressed. Not about missing my uni, but about everything else. It meant nothing. I'm definitely over reacting. But my one coping mechanism has gone. There's no karma or anything, it's just randomn good and bad luck. I'm hoping I get a stroke of good luck one day which lasts. I've been fighting off suicidal thoughts and plans with my therapists, but I'm getting tired. How do I convince myself that life isn't meaningless, and that dreams are pointless ? I've always been ambitious but right now I think I should just accept my life will be awful. Sorry if I sound dramatic but I've never felt this bad in my life. Looking back at everything makes me scared to look ahead.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey, I'm going to try my best to not sound clichéd because I know how frustrating that is. However, please try and listen even the tiniest bit to what I am going to say. The things that you have been through sound awful and for somebody to bully you after knowing your past is simply scum. I finished my A-Levels last year and after stressing out beyond imagination but ending up getting pretty decent GCSEs, I thought A-Levels would be the same. Boy was I wrong. Within the first two weeks my parents were in school seeing my teachers about me "overdoing it" which was very unusual considering the last time my parents had to come into school apart from an open day was when I was like 7 about something completely unrelated, so I realised I must've been overworking myself as I hadn't even realised at the time that it wasn't normal to be constantly down and stressed and doing homework until the early hours of the morning every day. Anyway, cut to last year and both years in a row, I didn't have above a C in any exam or piece of coursework, which I appreciate more in hindsight but at the time was a big blow considering I was hoping to do medicine at uni and on results day, I went home and felt my lowest for hours and stayed in my room, unable to cry due to being filled with pure numbness, until I fell asleep. I'd started taking antidepressants and seeing a counsellor (at school of my own accord). These things helped a bit and talking about my problems to someone outside of my immediate bubble of family and friends was a big relief at some points. However, I slowly realised that during this time I wasn't getting better, I was just "coping", and badly, at that. There were some times when I would just cry and cry for no reason and then I'd feel guilty when I told someone about it because I told myself I was just doing it for attention, but this was NOT the case as this is just something that people who have never experienced mental health issues make you think. The reason I'm telling you all this crap is because despite feeling like **** for a very long time and feeling like a failure at school, having two siblings who are great at sport and who have the "looks" and thinking that school was MY thing only to have flopped at it so badly, I am still here. Even after telling myself that if I didn't get into uni I might actually kill myself and then not actually getting in to uni, I am still here. I thought, for a while, that this was because I was a coward and maybe I was actually lying to myself and "feeling down" for attention but after this last year which I took as a gap year to work and travel, I've learned that not living was the worst possible thing I could have chosen to do. What I realised is that I wasn't done with living, I was actually done with NOT living, because at school that was exactly what I was doing. I hated every minute of my a-levels and no matter what people say about "oh but it was a fun time" then that just makes me glad that they didn't experience it like I did, because it definitely was not fun. So fast forward to now, I've been on a trip with Camp America and found some great friends who I would not have met at uni, from the US and from the UK. And going on this trip knowing nobody, despite being very hard at first, actually enabled me to get to know myself a lot more, which has made me slightly more confident in myself and slightly more motivated to get what I want. I'm not going to say I am miraculously cured because I am not, I still have my downs and spend some days in bed, but I feel like I have learnt a lot this past year and I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. I applied again. And again. And again to uni through extra first, and when that failed, through clearing to the point where I was on a coach in America, speaking to admissions tutors until I finally got an interview. If it wasn't for this interview, I was strongly considering extending my visa and studying out there with the help of people I'd met, as I didn't think anywhere would take me in the UK, but it just turned out that all I needed in this instance was a bit of persistence and hope. So, a few things I'd like to say to you to finish up. First, you may feel like because you got bad grades and it being your only "lucky stroke" that the world is over, but please listen to me when I say it's not. I personally believe that everything happens for a reason, and even if you do not think like this, try and look at this type of thing with the "as one door closes, another one opens" attitude, because it is true if you look hard enough for your "door". Second, about grades again, you may or may not be like me, but I found that once I stopped comparing myself to others, my "failures" didn't feel as bad as they had done before as I could start focusing on myself and improving myself more, rather than what others were doing or achieving. Another thing is that what you have been through in terms of bullies is awful, but when you leave school, all these people who were once "important" are actually really not and they will one day experience problems of their own. The plus side here is that you are going through this "existential crisis" a lot earlier in life than they are partially thanks to them, so you are getting it out of the way and will come out of it a much stronger person but they will go through this later in life when they're stuck in their sad little lives that revolve around putting others down, and this will drive people away from them. Another thing is that no matter what happens this year, whether you're not happy with your grades again or pass your exams with flying colours, there are SO many options for you, and even then there are so many paths that lead to one thing. So, try to remember that if things don't go to plan, it isn't the end of your goals, and you just have to find another way of achieving your goal, and in other cases you need to recognise when it's time to find a new goal, or adjust an old one, because not knowing what's going to happen next in life can be very exciting if you think about it. Finally, and this point is something I want to stress the most, please speak to someone. It can be anyone. It is so difficult to first talk about it because you don't know how the person will react and also because speaking about it makes it seem "real", but the truth is the problem is already very real for you, so it IS "real". This is where I'm going to say something extremely (hypocritically) clichéd, but it is true that a problem shared is a problem halved as I know that when you share something that you've been keeping secret for a while, it feels like a literal weight has been lifted from your shoulders and your chest feels a lot less tight. If you can't find anyone like this, a school counsellor can be very helpful, I still meet up with mine occasionally even though I've left school, just to catch up. Your GP can also be very helpful in telling you what your next steps could be and the best part is that because you're over 16, your parents don't even have to know if you don't want them to, but if you tell them how you truly feel, I'm sure they'd want to help you anyway. You have started on the path to recovery by simply posting here, so hang in there bud. You are by no means alone in this. Please post back on this thread if you need anything or if you just want to talk

    Thanks so much for this response. I really appreciate the time you have put into it, and how you have shown me there are other things to live for and form an identity with. More than anything I wa upset because I began to believe for the first time that things happen randomly and not for a reason. I always used to say during the years with the bullies, or when I was at the hospital for another scan that it was leading somewhere better, and these challenges would make the thing I got in the end worth it. Then I got this offer from a uni I didn't even think I could apply to and which the smartest kids in my school who I would aspire to be like in the years earlier didn't get into, and it fit so well as my happy ending. Then some how after almost being told I'd definitely get the grades by my teacher and doing loads of work, I lost it. I'm saying my GP next Monday and I speak to my friends about it too, thankfully I have a lot of supportive people, like yourself, around me I agree about it feelinf real, when I told my family how I was having suicidal thoughts and researching it I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.
    • #2
    #2

    Its no problem, if there's one good thing that came from my experience it's that I can use it to help others going through similar things. I'm glad you've spoken about it to people, that is a big step in the right direction but please, believe me, you have nothing to be ashamed of. They reckon 1 in 4 people experience some form of mental health issues during their life so it should not have the stigma that it currrently does because quarter of the population suffer with it! And consider trying not to look at the next part of your life as a happy ending but instead more like a mysterious, exciting new chapter where you delve into the unknown and take each day as it comes rather than always looking at your life as one big thing that you're just doing for the sake of it. I was always worried about tomorrow, but once I started focusing on what I am doing today, things became that much more bearable and I'd try and break each task or goal down into smaller chunks to make things less daunting. I am making this sound simple, trust me it's not, but it is by no means impossible either and all you need is time and support. Make sure you take a break every now and then and take pride in every success, no matter how small. All the best, OP


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks so much for this response. I really appreciate the time you have put into it, and how you have shown me there are other things to live for and form an identity with. More than anything I wa upset because I began to believe for the first time that things happen randomly and not for a reason. I always used to say during the years with the bullies, or when I was at the hospital for another scan that it was leading somewhere better, and these challenges would make the thing I got in the end worth it. Then I got this offer from a uni I didn't even think I could apply to and which the smartest kids in my school who I would aspire to be like in the years earlier didn't get into, and it fit so well as my happy ending. Then some how after almost being told I'd definitely get the grades by my teacher and doing loads of work, I lost it. I'm saying my GP next Monday and I speak to my friends about it too, thankfully I have a lot of supportive people, like yourself, around me I agree about it feelinf real, when I told my family how I was having suicidal thoughts and researching it I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.
 
 
 
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