[Story] Need some feedback! Blog 2.0

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username1854431
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#1
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#1
List of very sexy people
(Original post by z33)
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(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
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(Original post by LeyK)
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*removed*
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TheOtherSide.
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#2
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#2
Axel Johann

You're alive! :eek3: And this extract looks even better than the one I read last time. :yep:

You've got to bear with me, though, because I can't remember all of that last draft I read.

Firstly, I think this one is much more articulate, and it definitely reads like an actual book and everything. You've got just the right balance between action and description, seeing as this is the first chapter, and more description might make more sense. If you do want to leave the readers in a bit more suspense, though, I'd suggest getting rid of some details of this war or another thing. Well, this is just my opinion, and others might think differently.

Secondly, from what bits of Axel's character are coming through, he does seem like a very resourceful guy. For your next chapters, I would focus on slowly developing his character a bit more, or maybe near the climax?

The only other bit of criticism I'd give is to check for comma splicing ("They had it all calculated down to the finest detail, they definitely knew where he was headed now.") and yes, I know that was only one instance, but yeah, basically double and triple check your grammar and syntax, unless you're planning to get an editor soon?

Overall, fantastic chapter, just as I expected, with plenty of drama and action for me to feel very curious about the next chapter, and a great writing style! With the perfect balance between speech, action and description (as required) in your other chapters, this should be a great read!

Hope this helped..
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fatima1998
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#3
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#3
Great to read :yy:
Keep it up
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LeyK
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#4
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#4
When ya boi come back from the dead
Image

I'll definitely read this.
Because the assassin is back :woo:
Just watch this space in the next 48 hours #EditInbound
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bulgylau
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#5
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#5
Gonna read it, I'll be back
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username1854431
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#6
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#6
(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
Axel Johann

You're alive! :eek3: And this extract looks even better than the one I read last time. :yep:

You've got to bear with me, though, because I can't remember all of that last draft I read.

Firstly, I think this one is much more articulate, and it definitely reads like an actual book and everything. You've got just the right balance between action and description, seeing as this is the first chapter, and more description might make more sense. If you do want to leave the readers in a bit more suspense, though, I'd suggest getting rid of some details of this war or another thing. Well, this is just my opinion, and others might think differently.

Secondly, from what bits of Axel's character are coming through, he does seem like a very resourceful guy. For your next chapters, I would focus on slowly developing his character a bit more, or maybe near the climax?

The only other bit of criticism I'd give is to check for comma splicing ("They had it all calculated down to the finest detail, they definitely knew where he was headed now." and yes, I know that was only one instance, but yeah, basically double and triple check your grammar and syntax, unless you're planning to get an editor soon?

Overall, fantastic chapter, just as I expected, with plenty of drama and action for me to feel very curious about the next chapter, and a great writing style! With the perfect balance between speech, action and description (as required) in your other chapters, this should be a great read!

Hope this helped..
TheOtherSide!!! :jumphug: How are you doing?!?!!

And yesss I am!! haha, thanks

It's all good, don't worry about it.

Thanks for all the analysis :hugs: <3, I'll get back to you on them around Wednesday afternoon/Thursday, cos I have an admissions test on Wednesday for uni haha. But I have read what you've said and I can't thank you enough. You're very helpful as always! ^__^
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username1854431
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#7
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#7
(Original post by fatima1998)
Great to read :yy:
Keep it up
Thank you

(Original post by LeyK)
When ya boi come back from the dead
Image

I'll definitely read this.
Because the assassin is back :woo:
Just watch this space in the next 48 hours #EditInbound
Eyyy it's BatLeyk xD How have you been man? Sorry for dissappearing

Thanks man and you can take your time to read it, I got an admissions test on Wednesday, so I won't be free until then.

(Original post by homeland.lsw)
Gonna read it, I'll be back
Alrighty sure, take your time, I'll be busy until Wednesday afternoon cos of an admissions test
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the bear
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#8
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#8
your hiatus... it's so huge :fan:
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dragonkeeper999
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#9
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#9
Sounds awesome! As others have said, a very exciting and action-packed intro with a good balance of action and description Love it!
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Namita Gurung
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#10
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#10
Ayyyyyy you're back! [s]banana2[/]

It sounds amazing so far. A promising start - can't wait to read more of this
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TheOtherSide.
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#11
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(Original post by Axel Johann)
TheOtherSide!!! How are you doing?!?!!

And yesss I am!! haha, thanks

It's all good, don't worry about it.

Thanks for all the analysis <3, I'll get back to you on them around Wednesday afternoon/Thursday, cos I have an admissions test on Wednesday for uni haha. But I have read what you've said and I can't thank you enough. You're very helpful as always! ^__^
I'm doing well, and you?

Yeah, that's alright. I know you'll ace that admissions test, but still, good luck on it!
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LeyK
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#12
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(Original post by Axel Johann)
Thank you


Eyyy it's BatLeyk xD How have you been man? Sorry for dissappearing

Thanks man and you can take your time to read it, I got an admissions test on Wednesday, so I won't be free until then.


Alrighty sure, take your time, I'll be busy until Wednesday afternoon cos of an admissions test
2.0 :adore:
Dood... basically things have being a drag :lazy: but still surviving
But I got some news to show ya soon so watch out for that :woo:

Well hope everything went smoothly today :five: #Believe

---------------------------

As for the story... Perfect story telling tbh... Like way too perfect. :beard:
But personal preference was the first one/s... Maybe because their cliff hangers were just at the right spot. :lol:
Otherwise... can't wait for the good parts :excited:
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username1854431
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#13
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#13
Okayyy Let's properly reply to this then! :woo:
(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
Firstly, I think this one is much more articulate, and it definitely reads like an actual book and everything. You've got just the right balance between action and description, seeing as this is the first chapter, and more description might make more sense. If you do want to leave the readers in a bit more suspense, though, I'd suggest getting rid of some details of this war or another thing. Well, this is just my opinion, and others might think differently.
Thanks for compliments haha, and yeah the previous version you read was the rough draft. Now it's the more sandpaper and polished version, though still not perfect. What I posted up there is only the first part of the the first chapter, sorry I didn't make that clear. The first chapter is pretty long.

The first chapter as a whole will be a flashback, think of it like in the Bond movies, where there's always a like intense action scene to draw the viewers in, then it settles down and continues like a normal film. So that's kind of what I'm aiming for here, a good balance between action and description, which I'm glad to read you do think I have

Though thanks for that bit about the suspense bit, I'll save that bit for when I write the more normal chapters of the book
(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
Secondly, from what bits of Axel's character are coming through, he does seem like a very resourceful guy. For your next chapters, I would focus on slowly developing his character a bit more, or maybe near the climax?
Yeah definitely near the climax of this chapter, I forgot as well which version I send you, but with the bit I'm gunna update today, it'll become very clear that Axel is going to have to face these 3 by himself.

(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
The only other bit of criticism I'd give is to check for comma splicing ("They had it all calculated down to the finest detail, they definitely knew where he was headed now." and yes, I know that was only one instance, but yeah, basically double and triple check your grammar and syntax, unless you're planning to get an editor soon?
OOh okay, yeah that's a fair point. They're my favourite punctuation mark :teehee: . I'm not planning to get an editor just yet no xD
Tbh looking at that bit, it seems a bit rushed IMO, I might rework that paragraph later on. I've now replaced that sentence with "Everything they did was calculated with such precision, one of them was probably looking at a map and outlining Axel's footsteps as he took them."

(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
Overall, fantastic chapter, just as I expected, with plenty of drama and action for me to feel very curious about the next chapter, and a great writing style! With the perfect balance between speech, action and description (as required) in your other chapters, this should be a great read!
Thank youuu! :woo:, yes the next part should be released soon Very motivating words :blush:

(Original post by TheOtherSide.)
Hope this helped..
It really did :jumphug: Thanks again!!!
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Milzime
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#14
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#14
YAY I'M A SEXY PERSON looks great from what I've read!!!!!! Hope you're doing good!
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