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Parents won't let me move out for uni watch

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    I am in my final year at high school and am applying to uni to do primary education. I want to move out for uni so that i won't be left out and with few friends (this happened to someone i know) but my parents won't allow it. I have to get into a uni close enough to be able to commute, and if i don't get in i'm not going to uni. I am more than happy to take out a student loan and go to a uni where everything is cheaper but i'm not allowed to go.

    My dad is a muslim and is trying to control me and restrict my life further, like he has done my entire high school life. I'm not allowed to go out with friends. I've never been allowed to get a job since it would mean i had a way to be independent from my parents. They don't pay for anything for me so any money i get for my birthday/christmas has to be saved to go towards education related costs, people's birthdays, bills ect.

    I have proved time and time again that i am more than capable of living on my own, but because i'm female in muslim culture this is not allowed.

    Concerns about my dad's overcontrolling nature were flagged up by a teacher last year but since it's a cultural issue and it's not threatening my life nothing was done about it since teachers can lose their jobs over this kind of thing.

    I'm mixed race - my mum is scottish and my dad is pakistani. I was brought up scottish until i got to high school when he tried to enforce that i am muslim, no objections. I have no religious beliefs whatsoever. Surely since I am part scottish I should get the choice?

    He's also trying his best to ruin my opportunity to get into uni in the first place, since he keeps saying i should apply for courses i would be rejected from outright because i haven't taken the right subjects.

    I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't ever listen. He just wants to be able to control everything about my life. I really need help, even one good piece of advice would be appreciated.
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    Try and get a teacher from your school to talk to him and try to make him understand what lies for your future, Also, ask him what he would do if he were in your place.
    I did this when I was talking to my mother as I am a practicing Muslim.
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    No offence but your dad sounds like a douche. Maybe apply to like 2 unis out of Scotland, firm a Scottish uni and on results day, ask them to reject you and put you in Clearing. You can pick whatever uni you want then. Also if you're already 18, could you not move out?
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    Guess what? You dad doesn't get a choice in the matter.

    Old enough to go to uni? Old enough to make your own choices.

    Get a f-ing back bone and tell him where to go.
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    (Original post by AccountingBabe)
    Guess what? You dad doesn't get a choice in the matter.

    Old enough to go to uni? Old enough to make your own choices.

    Get a f-ing back bone and tell him where to go.
    Are you white by any chance?
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    I really feel sorry for you, this is quite a sad situation.

    I think you should speak to your mum and truly express your concerns and ask her to speak to your dad in hopes that she will change his mind. If not you need to 'grow a pair' and idk like raise your voice when speaking to him about the decision, he might shout at you but you need to be heard and what he is doing to you is terrible. It's your life and you decide what you do. If you want to move out, move out. I understand of course your parent's opinions are important but what he is doing is completely ignorant of your feelings. Tell him seriously and properly show your emotions and also tell your mum and ask her to speak to your dad about it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am in my final year at high school and am applying to uni to do primary education. I want to move out for uni so that i won't be left out and with few friends (this happened to someone i know) but my parents won't allow it. I have to get into a uni close enough to be able to commute, and if i don't get in i'm not going to uni. I am more than happy to take out a student loan and go to a uni where everything is cheaper but i'm not allowed to go.

    My dad is a muslim and is trying to control me and restrict my life further, like he has done my entire high school life. I'm not allowed to go out with friends. I've never been allowed to get a job since it would mean i had a way to be independent from my parents. They don't pay for anything for me so any money i get for my birthday/christmas has to be saved to go towards education related costs, people's birthdays, bills ect.

    I have proved time and time again that i am more than capable of living on my own, but because i'm female in muslim culture this is not allowed.

    Concerns about my dad's overcontrolling nature were flagged up by a teacher last year but since it's a cultural issue and it's not threatening my life nothing was done about it since teachers can lose their jobs over this kind of thing.

    I'm mixed race - my mum is scottish and my dad is pakistani. I was brought up scottish until i got to high school when he tried to enforce that i am muslim, no objections. I have no religious beliefs whatsoever. Surely since I am part scottish I should get the choice?

    He's also trying his best to ruin my opportunity to get into uni in the first place, since he keeps saying i should apply for courses i would be rejected from outright because i haven't taken the right subjects.

    I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't ever listen. He just wants to be able to control everything about my life. I really need help, even one good piece of advice would be appreciated.
    You have to make a decision on whether you want to live within this muslim culture with all its restrictions and problems or live in a free British society where you can go and live, study and work at whatever you want to. I know which I'd choose. Any soft soaping about 'talking to your dad to try to persuade him' is meaningless - he's not going to change, is he? You have a chance to escape from it all - don't miss that opportunity.
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    You have to make a decision on whether you want to live within this muslim culture with all its restrictions and problems or live in a free British society where you can go and live, study and work at whatever you want to. I know which I'd choose.
    Honestly easier said than done. I can relate to OP on so many levels.
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    (Original post by MrsSheldonCooper)
    Honestly easier said than done. I can relate to OP on so many levels.
    I know I'm being simplistic. But in your opinion, surely doesn't it come down to this, in the end? What's your opinion on this - I'd be interested to know as your posts always seem reasonable.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am in my final year at high school and am applying to uni to do primary education. I want to move out for uni so that i won't be left out and with few friends (this happened to someone i know) but my parents won't allow it. I have to get into a uni close enough to be able to commute, and if i don't get in i'm not going to uni. I am more than happy to take out a student loan and go to a uni where everything is cheaper but i'm not allowed to go.

    My dad is a muslim and is trying to control me and restrict my life further, like he has done my entire high school life. I'm not allowed to go out with friends. I've never been allowed to get a job since it would mean i had a way to be independent from my parents. They don't pay for anything for me so any money i get for my birthday/christmas has to be saved to go towards education related costs, people's birthdays, bills ect.

    I have proved time and time again that i am more than capable of living on my own, but because i'm female in muslim culture this is not allowed.

    Concerns about my dad's overcontrolling nature were flagged up by a teacher last year but since it's a cultural issue and it's not threatening my life nothing was done about it since teachers can lose their jobs over this kind of thing.

    I'm mixed race - my mum is scottish and my dad is pakistani. I was brought up scottish until i got to high school when he tried to enforce that i am muslim, no objections. I have no religious beliefs whatsoever. Surely since I am part scottish I should get the choice?

    He's also trying his best to ruin my opportunity to get into uni in the first place, since he keeps saying i should apply for courses i would be rejected from outright because i haven't taken the right subjects.

    I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't ever listen. He just wants to be able to control everything about my life. I really need help, even one good piece of advice would be appreciated.

    i suggest talking to your dad and explain why you think you should move out. tell him this is for YOUR future not his. If he still isn't allowing you to go then talk to your mum so she can talk to your dad so hac can get into his sense. or any other relative or friend. Honestly, i find this quite strange as most parent would want thier kids to go uni( well my parents are more than happy). tell them how will you get a good job if you don't go to uni. and uni is the best opportunity to suceed in life.

    good luck
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    I know I'm being simplistic. But in your opinion, surely doesn't it come down to this, in the end? What's your opinion on this - I'd be interested to know as your posts always seem reasonable.
    Yeah I agree with you on that. But other factors need to be taken into account too. Not trying to generalise but I know some Pakistani communities kind of have a reputation for being super iffy about girls moving out for university. One of my friends was in the same position as OP and her parents got everyone (even the imam at one point) to guilt trip her into staying at home for university. Even when my friend ended up firming a uni 2 hours away from home, she was told constantly that she would lose her religious identity at uni and become too Westernised. I remember she complained to me about how when her brother ended up going to university in Scotland, they didn't really care and were pretty supportive over it.

    They try to break you down with pressure and guilt tripping. Obviously it depends on parental attitudes on moving out but OP's dad sounds like a guy who'd do something like what I mentioned above.



    I mentioned what OP could do above
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    #3

    You see this is what's wrong with religion
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You see this is what's wrong with religion
    It's culture and religion both.
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    (Original post by MrsSheldonCooper)
    Yeah I agree with you on that. But other factors need to be taken into account too. Not trying to generalise but I know some Pakistani communities kind of have a reputation for being super iffy about girls moving out for university. One of my friends was in the same position as OP and her parents got everyone (even the imam at one point) to guilt trip her into staying at home for university. Even when my friend ended up firming a uni 2 hours away from home, she was told constantly that she would lose her religious identity at uni and become too Westernised. I remember she complained to me about how when her brother ended up going to university in Scotland, they didn't really care and were pretty supportive over it.

    They try to break you down with pressure and guilt tripping. Obviously it depends on parental attitudes on moving out but OP's dad sounds like a guy who'd do something like what I mentioned above.



    I mentioned what OP could do above
    PRSOM
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    xxxx
    Hey OP.

    I can empathise with how you feel. My parents are muslim (I am atheist, but they don't know this), and they tried to control every aspect of my life growing up. I too wasn't allowed to visit friends, go out, have a job etc. The only difference is that they only let me study outside of my hometown on the condition that I study medicine (which I am). I had depression throughout college amongst other problems at home, missed a load of it and had to repeat my final year... That year was possibly the worst / most difficult year of my life, but I worked my ass off and got into medical school - that was my only ticket to freedom. Now I'm happier than ever, and can do what I want in my uni city, which I now consider to be home.

    My older sister was braver than I, and had a more similar experience to you in regards to uni- she was made to commute to a uni 1 hour away by train every day for her first degree, which was science related. She didn't even like science but my parents pressured her into it. When she graduated she got into a competitive journalism masters in London, and when she told my parents they screamed, stomped their feet, hit her, told her she is not allowed to live alone by any means - so she just packed her bags and left for London one morning. My mum didn't speak to her for 7 years, but now she has an extremely successful career, good salary, met her lifetime partner and is travelling all over doing all sorts of interesting things.

    What I'm saying is, only you know what's best for you - if you stay at home for uni I am sure you'll fall into even more difficult times in regards to your parents, going by mine and my sister's experiences.
    In terms of applying to uni - put down one which is close to home to make it seem to your parents that you plan to go there, but don't bother accepting the offer if you get in to a uni that you actually want... Tell your parents you have offers from better unis (although I doubt this will change their minds, if they're as stubborn as my parents). That way you will soften the blow when you actually pack your bags and leave.

    I know it's scary going against your parents wishes, especially when they've always been so controlling - but it needs to be done, or you'll never get to experience life the way you want to. If your dad truly loves you then he may forgive you eventually, but you need to prepare for the worst - if you decide to leave, don't disclose your new address to your parents, and prepare to be juggling a job (or two) with your studies at uni to help with your finances. Make sure you tell a close friend that you trust about what's going on, in case something bad happens.

    You say your mum is scottish - is she muslim too? Is she more lenient than your dad?
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    he thinks you're gonna have sex lol
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    PRSOM
    Thanks haha.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You see this is what's wrong with religion
    i don't think it is the religion that is at fault but people's backward mentality. i am pretty sure religion does not stop people from getting educated as there is a lot of religious people i know who have gone to uni and live on their own but unfortunately it is just the minority who think they know better and are superior, etc. it is stupid. i hope this person does get the chance to have uni experience
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by Angry Bird)
    he thinks you're gonna have sex lol
    Its funny cos its true. Muslims value women by the state of their hymen. My brother can go out at night, go on holiday with his friends, travel where he wants. When I tell my parents "if he can do it then why can't I", my mother replies with "it's different for a girl. A man cant get pregnant"
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey OP.

    I can empathise with how you feel. My parents are muslim (I am atheist, but they don't know this), and they tried to control every aspect of my life growing up. I too wasn't allowed to visit friends, go out, have a job etc. The only difference is that they only let me study outside of my hometown on the condition that I study medicine (which I am). I had depression throughout college amongst other problems at home, missed a load of it and had to repeat my final year... That year was possibly the worst / most difficult year of my life, but I worked my ass off and got into medical school - that was my only ticket to freedom. Now I'm happier than ever, and can do what I want in my uni city, which I now consider to be home.

    My older sister was braver than I, and had a more similar experience to you in regards to uni- she was made to commute to a uni 1 hour away by train every day for her first degree, which was science related. She didn't even like science but my parents pressured her into it. When she graduated she got into a competitive journalism masters in London, and when she told my parents they screamed, stomped their feet, hit her, told her she is not allowed to live alone by any means - so she just packed her bags and left for London one morning. My mum didn't speak to her for 7 years, but now she has an extremely successful career, good salary, met her lifetime partner and is travelling all over doing all sorts of interesting things.

    What I'm saying is, only you know what's best for you - if you stay at home for uni I am sure you'll fall into even more difficult times in regards to your parents, going by mine and my sister's experiences.
    In terms of applying to uni - put down one which is close to home to make it seem to your parents that you plan to go there, but don't bother accepting the offer if you get in to a uni that you actually want... Tell your parents you have offers from better unis (although I doubt this will change their minds, if they're as stubborn as my parents). That way you will soften the blow when you actually pack your bags and leave.

    I know it's scary going against your parents wishes, especially when they've always been so controlling - but it needs to be done, or you'll never get to experience life the way you want to. If your dad truly loves you then he may forgive you eventually, but you need to prepare for the worst - if you decide to leave, don't disclose your new address to your parents, and prepare to be juggling a job (or two) with your studies at uni to help with your finances. Make sure you tell a close friend that you trust about what's going on, in case something bad happens.

    You say your mum is scottish - is she muslim too? Is she more lenient than your dad?
    Ngl your sister sounds amazing.

    And well done for working so hard! :*
 
 
 
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