Turn on thread page Beta

My boyfriend wouldn't want to look after me? watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hello, just to add some background to this question, I have been in a relationship with a 26 year old man in a full time job for a year and a half exactly. We say I love you and are serious etc.

    I am in my third year at uni, so the time is coming when I need to decide what to do with my life. Unfortunately, I do not have going back to my parent's house as a fall-back option as they are extremely controlling, abusive, manipulative, etc. I've just been putting up with them over the holidays as I have nowhere else to go, but I feel like if I go back after finishing my degree I'll never escape the cycle of abuse. All my family are the same so staying with them after my degree until I get on my own two feet is also not an option. None of my close friends are in positions themselves to be able to put me up (we're 20).

    So recently I've been voicing my concerns to my boyfriend about how I don't really know what I'm going to do if I don't find employment right after my degree (which I can't really just expect will be the case, can I?), and, well, I thought he'd offer to put me up until I do? Like I said, he's 26, in full time employment, and we're serious and have been together long enough.

    Is it just me or is that not weird and kind of sh*tty? Like he just sort of responds like 'you could go on benefits...'. I know I'm not his responsibility, so maybe that's why he's responding to me like that. Is it fair of me to find that weird or am I just expecting too much?
    • #1
    #1

    its very sh*tty and says a lot about how little he seems to value you. a man who loves his woman should look after her, marriage or no marriage, and vice versa of course. i mean several girls would have (and have been known to) single-handedly support their boyfriends when times got hard yet he doesn't want to do the same for you? hes valuing money above you. get yourself another bloke, preferably a sugardaddy willing to pay for your lifestyle lol
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    its very sh*tty and says a lot about how little he seems to value you. a man who loves his woman should look after her, marriage or no marriage, and vice versa of course. i mean several girls would have (and have been known to) single-handedly support their boyfriends when times got hard yet he doesn't want to do the same for you? hes valuing money above you. get yourself another bloke, preferably a sugardaddy willing to pay for your lifestyle lol
    Here we go, TSR *******s again.

    The guy doesn't want to pay for you. I'm in uni right now, struggling like fk to pay my bills. I would NEVER expect to get a girlfriend now and in 2 years she's gonna be paying my rent while I'm unemployed.

    This is the "equality" talk. If it was my bird, and I proper cared about her and could afford it Aye, I might well offer. But if I for a second saw her on the internet saying "Isn't it **** how he doesn't offer me this stuff" she'd be seeing the door tbh.

    Let's simplify it; what's worse:-

    Not letting your girlfriend move in with you.

    Saying your boyfriend should let you live with them on the internet to strangers,
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by chilliflakes)
    Hello, just to add some background to this question, I have been in a relationship with a 26 year old man in a full time job for a year and a half exactly. We say I love you and are serious etc.

    I am in my third year at uni, so the time is coming when I need to decide what to do with my life. Unfortunately, I do not have going back to my parent's house as a fall-back option as they are extremely controlling, abusive, manipulative, etc. I've just been putting up with them over the holidays as I have nowhere else to go, but I feel like if I go back after finishing my degree I'll never escape the cycle of abuse. All my family are the same so staying with them after my degree until I get on my own two feet is also not an option. None of my close friends are in positions themselves to be able to put me up (we're 20).

    So recently I've been voicing my concerns to my boyfriend about how I don't really know what I'm going to do if I don't find employment right after my degree (which I can't really just expect will be the case, can I?), and, well, I thought he'd offer to put me up until I do? Like I said, he's 26, in full time employment, and we're serious and have been together long enough.

    Is it just me or is that not weird and kind of sh*tty? Like he just sort of responds like 'you could go on benefits...'. I know I'm not his responsibility, so maybe that's why he's responding to me like that. Is it fair of me to find that weird or am I just expecting too much?
    Okay it sucks that your boyfriend isn't sounding so keen on moving you in, but why are you chancing your "escape" from your horrible family on someone else?

    Start searching for a job, any job NOW.

    Start sorting living arrangements if you haven't got anything sorted for beyond uni NOW.

    Students lately seem to have it in their mind they are just students until graduation, but no, it's entirely reasonable to be working during your studies, and to be sorting out your adult independent life while you're in uni.
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    so what you're saying is that you want your boyfriend to take you in because he is in full time employment and you have no money?
    • Section Leader
    • Very Important Poster
    • Peer Support Volunteers
    • Clearing and Applications Advisor
    Online

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    Very Important Poster
    Peer Support Volunteers
    Clearing and Applications Advisor
    Expecting your boyfriend to support you completely is a big ask, but if you were to go on benefits and he still didnt want to live with you then thats a very big alarm bell. I supported my fiance a little financially after he left his university course but on the assumption he'd pay it back at some point which he is now he's working full time, at that point we'd been living together nearly 2 years and i was happy to help until he got into work, after all if we're going to have a family in future we'd be sharing almost all of our income then at that point.

    I think you need to start looking for employment as soon as possible and be up front with your boyfriend and directly ask if you had an income/ were on benefits would he be happy with you moving in together, if the answers no then i think you should reevaluate how serious your relationship is and if you want to stay in it.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    as it occurred to you that he might not have thought thats what you were hinting at? Getting you to move in with him? Blokes can be remarkably dense?

    Is he able to have you move in with him? What are his living arrangements? Can he have his partner move into his place?

    Instead of dropping hints, have an actual conversation about it. Not a "if you love me" talk but a pragmatic "how can we make this work?"
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Wait, did you even ask him if you could stay with him for a while after uni if you don't find a place immediately, or are you dropping hints and waiting for him to offer?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I think you should, first of all, to talk to your boyfriend, to figure everything out. Find out his intentions, if he is not sure for you to move in for now,
    (Original post by Studentus-anonymous)
    Start searching for a job, any job NOW.
    It is not necessary to come back to your family, there are thousands of possibilities to find a job, and to rent accommodation.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by cbblitz)
    Here we go, TSR *******s again.

    The guy doesn't want to pay for you. I'm in uni right now, struggling like fk to pay my bills. I would NEVER expect to get a girlfriend now and in 2 years she's gonna be paying my rent while I'm unemployed.

    This is the "equality" talk. If it was my bird, and I proper cared about her and could afford it Aye, I might well offer. But if I for a second saw her on the internet saying "Isn't it **** how he doesn't offer me this stuff" she'd be seeing the door tbh.

    Let's simplify it; what's worse:-

    Not letting your girlfriend move in with you.

    Saying your boyfriend should let you live with them on the internet to strangers,
    not letting your girlfriend move in with you. was that even a real question?
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by chilliflakes)
    not letting your girlfriend move in with you. was that even a real question?
    "I thought he'd offer to put me up until I do?"


    I don't know, you're the one who asked the question first apparently.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Have you spent any time living together yet? Does he rent his own place?

    To me it seems very strange that he wouldn't want you to move in with him/to support you while you're jobless. Then again every person is different. I value my partner and being able to be with them much muuuch more than money, as long as we can still survive together. You can't expect someone to support you completely forever (although some people would especially if the person is disabled)... But I feel surely it's always worth it when it's temporary and you're serious? You're a team, a partnership, you help each other in any and every way you can. Other people feel they work hard for the things and money they have, so they shouldn't be expected or asked to support any other capable adult. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a person like that (and they probably wouldn't want to be with me).

    I supported my fiance for a long time while he was unemployed or between jobs. I still support him financially because he doesn't earn as much/work as many hours so it's not enough to live in London and pay half of rent, food etc. I consider it worth it and am fabulously happy. Life with him is great, what I gain is worth so much more to me than the extra money it costs. I could make him work more hours for it to be more equal, but he has other things better for his well being to do with his time and he supports me so much emotionally I consider that almost a job (I'm mentally ill). He's no waster, we'll build a perfectly fine life together based around the things we both care most about and working together. We just might not be rich, which is why I say not everyone is the same - some people suit someone more financially driven and independent and that's fine.

    You just have to have a serious discussion about your world views and life, how you want to work and live it. Find out how compatible you are, how much compromise you're willing to make or not, what your values are. What you both honestly want, in short.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    As everyone has said I think you need to speak directly to your boyfriend about yours/his concerns and ask him if you can move in with him. I have nothing else to say about that subject.

    However, regarding what you said at first about not knowing what to do once you finish if you can't find immediate employment, have you looked at the possibility of finding accommodation through a Youth Project? A family member of mine is nearly 23, working just a normal minimum wage retail job but can still support herself independently as she's in accommodation provided by her local Youth Project, until she can get a better job and move into a proper place. I think the rent is just £50 a week or something. I would look into that and if there is one in your area, apply for anything at all, anything will be enough to get into somewhere like that.

    Good luck!
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    A relationship is about supporting each other. I help my boyfriend when he needs it and he helps me. So yes, in some elements it's surprising that if you're as committed as you believe you are he wouldn't want you to move in with you and to support you in the short term.

    But how much are you actually actively doing to support yourself? As others have said are you looking for jobs etc? Don't leave it until you graduate start planning now. When i graduated i joined an agency (Brook Street) who got me a temp job in a Civil Service department. It wasn't great money but it was enough to pay for a flat and for me to not be overly skint. I ended up securing a permanent job there but, even if its not the job you want, it provides experience and money until you do find that dream job.

    He's your boyfriend not your dad- it's not his responsibility to provide for you. This is the 21st century and women have fought hard for equality, unfortunately that means accepting that it's our responsibility as adult women to provide for ourselves.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Do you just want validation that your boyfriend is an ass?

    We don't know anything. Go speak to him about it, properly.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 4, 2016
The home of Results and Clearing

1,638

people online now

1,567,000

students helped last year
Poll
A-level students - how do you feel about your results?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.