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Boyfriend really close to his girl mate watch

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    My boyfriend has a female for a best friend and I am really struggling to accept it. They have been friends for quite a few years and even been housemates at one point.

    He reassures me that I am the only one he wants to be with and he isnt attracted to her in the slightest and they see eachother like brother and sister. I do trust him but there are certain things i really don't like. Eg. She lives really close by and he sometimes sees her more than I see him and they meet up alone. Also he admitted when he got into a relationship with me he was concerned for her as she was so reliant on him for everything and she became lazy. it was a shock for her as she didnt think he was looking for a girlfriend. She has only joined dating sites herself since he got together with me. It rings alarm bells in my head because I dont think its normal to think this way about just a friendship. But at the same time it seems that she is just a needy person and i know she has some mental health issues. I have met her once and she made effort to be nice and she says herself she seems him like a brother and they have always been there for eachother. He doesnt really understand why i am so concerned about their friendship and doesnt think there is anything for me to worry about.

    In my last 2 relationships my exs have betrayed me with their girl mates so i find coping with this really difficult, especially as they talk and see other other so often. To be honest I just dont know anymore whether I am just being over jealous to be so bothered about this or whether other people would accept this. I just dont want to be stupid like in my last relationships.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend has a female for a best friend and I am really struggling to accept it. They have been friends for quite a few years and even been housemates at one point.

    He reassures me that I am the only one he wants to be with and he isnt attracted to her in the slightest and they see eachother like brother and sister. I do trust him but there are certain things i really don't like. Eg. She lives really close by and he sometimes sees her more than I see him and they meet up alone. Also he admitted when he got into a relationship with me he was concerned for her as she was so reliant on him for everything and she became lazy. it was a shock for her as she didnt think he was looking for a girlfriend. She has only joined dating sites herself since he got together with me. It rings alarm bells in my head because I dont think its normal to think this way about just a friendship. But at the same time it seems that she is just a needy person and i know she has some mental health issues. I have met her once and she made effort to be nice and she says herself she seems him like a brother and they have always been there for eachother. He doesnt really understand why i am so concerned about their friendship and doesnt think there is anything for me to worry about.

    In my last 2 relationships my exs have betrayed me with their girl mates so i find coping with this really difficult, especially as they talk and see other other so often. To be honest I just dont know anymore whether I am just being over jealous to be so bothered about this or whether other people would accept this. I just dont want to be stupid like in my last relationships.
    The best thing you can do is be honest with your boyfriend and tell him about these worries. I don't know what he'll say or do but it isn't good to feel this kind of worry in a relationship and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel it! communication is the most important thing so please let him know it's really bothering you x
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    (Original post by charlie_rhia_x)
    The best thing you can do is be honest with your boyfriend and tell him about these worries. I don't know what he'll say or do but it isn't good to feel this kind of worry in a relationship and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel it! communication is the most important thing so please let him know it's really bothering you x
    I have been honest with him. He just says there is nothing to worry about and for me to relax as they are just friends. :-/ I am just not sure I am alright with such a close friendship not sure whether I am being over dramatic or whether other people would also hate it and be concerned.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend has a female for a best friend and I am really struggling to accept it. They have been friends for quite a few years and even been housemates at one point.

    He reassures me that I am the only one he wants to be with and he isnt attracted to her in the slightest and they see eachother like brother and sister. I do trust him but there are certain things i really don't like. Eg. She lives really close by and he sometimes sees her more than I see him and they meet up alone. Also he admitted when he got into a relationship with me he was concerned for her as she was so reliant on him for everything and she became lazy. it was a shock for her as she didnt think he was looking for a girlfriend. She has only joined dating sites herself since he got together with me. It rings alarm bells in my head because I dont think its normal to think this way about just a friendship. But at the same time it seems that she is just a needy person and i know she has some mental health issues. I have met her once and she made effort to be nice and she says herself she seems him like a brother and they have always been there for eachother. He doesnt really understand why i am so concerned about their friendship and doesnt think there is anything for me to worry about.

    In my last 2 relationships my exs have betrayed me with their girl mates so i find coping with this really difficult, especially as they talk and see other other so often. To be honest I just dont know anymore whether I am just being over jealous to be so bothered about this or whether other people would accept this. I just dont want to be stupid like in my last relationships.
    It comes across as though the issues are more yours than his or theirs.

    You say you trust him, so you are going to have to show that.
    It comes across that you have a lot of insecurities due to your past, but theres a danger of getting paranoid. It also sounds like a bit of jealousy.

    Sit down and talk to him. I think it would be unreasonable to expect him to cut this person out, but you might explain to him why you are insecure and you would prefer that he spend more time with you than her. Just lay down some accpetable limits and point out to him thats what having a gf means. That is because you are his gf and she is not. It's a long standing friendhsip , so if hed wanted to cheat there was no reason to date you at all. Beyond that let him get on with it until he gives you real cause to mistrust him.
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    It's unreasonable to expect your boyfriend not to have a close female friend. Half the people on Earth are female.

    I recommend you get to know her better - if you get to the point where you can trust both of them, that will probably help assuage your worries. Don't look at her with the preconceived notion that she is some kind of competitor. She is the friend of a friend.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have been honest with him. He just says there is nothing to worry about and for me to relax as they are just friends. :-/ I am just not sure I am alright with such a close friendship not sure whether I am being over dramatic or whether other people would also hate it and be concerned.
    One of my best friends is a guy and my lock screen is even us together, but my boyfriend has never been bothered. I can understand where your worry comes from, but trust is the most important thing in a relationship and if he does cheat on you, then you deserve far better, but if he doesn't then you have to accept that he'll always be around other women but he doesn't want them because he has you x
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    (Original post by Orbital Rising)
    This is why we shouldn't let Indians use the internet.
    It's a bot, that's extremely racist and unnecessary
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    (Original post by charlie_rhia_x)
    It's a bot, that's extremely racist and unnecessary
    I's okay I have many Indian friends. I have yuge success with Indians.
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    (Original post by Orbital Rising)
    I's okay I have many Indian friends. I have yuge success with Indians.
    I know you're joking but that's still not funny
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    It comes across as though the issues are more yours than his or theirs.

    You say you trust him, so you are going to have to show that.
    It comes across that you have a lot of insecurities due to your past, but theres a danger of getting paranoid. It also sounds like a bit of jealousy.

    Sit down and talk to him. I think it would be unreasonable to expect him to cut this person out, but you might explain to him why you are insecure and you would prefer that he spend more time with you than her. Just lay down some accpetable limits and point out to him thats what having a gf means. That is because you are his gf and she is not. It's a long standing friendhsip , so if hed wanted to cheat there was no reason to date you at all. Beyond that let him get on with it until he gives you real cause to mistrust him.
    Thank for your response. Its interesting as i really thought people would be agreeing as aspects of their friendship I didnt think anyone else would be okay with..

    I dont think he would cheat with her.. more I think just jealous of how close they are as the only person i want to see several times a week is him and it makes me uncomfortable how reliant on him she is.

    I have told him it bothers me he sees her more sometimes and he explains it is just routine to pop in and see her as she lives really close to him and its convenient, plus he lives alone and gets bored. Maybe as the relationship develops I will feel differently..

    Im just not sure how I am going to stop being bothered by it
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    I don't think girls and boys being friends really works. I don't have any female friends and don't want any. I wouldn't find it appropriate for my GF to be hanging out with a lad 1 on 1.

    However, whether their relationship is appropriate or not, you kind of signed up to it if they have been this way for years. Your options are either put up with it or try to get him to distance himself from her. The second option could well end up with him choosing her over you.
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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    I don't think girls and boys being friends really works. I don't have any female friends and don't want any. I wouldn't find it appropriate for my GF to be hanging out with a lad 1 on 1.

    However, whether their relationship is appropriate or not, you kind of signed up to it if they have been this way for years. Your options are either put up with it or try to get him to distance himself from her. The second option could well end up with him choosing her over you.
    How on earth is it not appropriate? If my boyfriend told me I couldn't hang out with my male friends alone we would have serious issue. I would expect him to trust me
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    (Original post by charlie_rhia_x)
    How on earth is it not appropriate? If my boyfriend told me I couldn't hang out with my male friends alone we would have serious issue. I would expect him to trust me
    Even if you trust them not to get physical, men and women are attracted to each other. If you are spending intimate time with people of the opposite sex, you are risking feelings growing.

    I just don't see what the upside is. There are plenty of girls to be friends with so I would wonder what my GF is trying to get out of hanging out with lads. I wouldn't want to hang out with girls.
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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    Even if you trust them not to get physical, men and women are attracted to each other. If you are spending intimate time with people of the opposite sex, you are risking feelings growing.

    I just don't see what the upside is. There are plenty of girls to be friends with so I would wonder what my GF is trying to get out of hanging out with lads. I wouldn't want to hang out with girls.
    Since I'm bisexual, by your logic i can't be friends with guys or girls? Somehow I can have female best friends who I'm not attracted to, the same way i have male friends who i'm not attracted to
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    (Original post by charlie_rhia_x)
    Since I'm bisexual, by your logic i can't be friends with guys or girls? Somehow I can have female best friends who I'm not attracted to, the same way i have male friends who i'm not attracted to
    Yeah that would be my logic. I'm not saying their is anything objectively wrong with you been friends with who you want and your BF accepting that. I'm just saying that I would personally find that arrangement unacceptable for my relationship. Obviously you and I would be incompatible but that doesn't mean either of us are right or wrong.

    What the OP is feeling is a perfectly normal attitude to relationships despite what others have suggested, she is not being an insecure or jealous. OP just needs to decide whether she is willing to accept it or not.
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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    Yeah that would be my logic. I'm not saying their is anything objectively wrong with you been friends with who you want and your BF accepting that. I'm just saying that I would personally find that arrangement unacceptable for my relationship. Obviously you and I would be incompatible but that doesn't mean either of us are right or wrong.

    What the OP is feeling is a perfectly normal attitude to relationships despite what others have suggested, she is not being an insecure or jealous. OP just needs to decide whether she is willing to accept it or not.
    I feel sorry for anyone you date if you think it's your place to decide who they're friends with. Yes i think jealousy is normal but it's also usually irrational, it's not healthy to be in a relationship where you're so worried about the other person not being faithful (i've been there)
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    (Original post by charlie_rhia_x)
    I feel sorry for anyone you date if you think it's your place to decide who they're friends with. Yes i think jealousy is normal but it's also usually irrational, it's not healthy to be in a relationship where you're so worried about the other person not being faithful (i've been there)
    Thanks for the replies. Im curious to know why you were so worried about previous partners being unfaithful and how you overcame it?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the replies. Im curious to know why you were so worried about previous partners being unfaithful and how you overcame it?
    For me it was because the relationship was long distance and therefore I never really knew who they were with or what they were doing. I also suffered from quite bad anxiety at the time, which meant I constantly doubted whether they actually liked me. Since being in relationships with people who I can actually see regularly, I've lost almost all that fear, but it's also likely because my anxiety is far less now. I'm sorry that that's not very helpful but have you considered that it may be an anxiety issue?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank for your response. Its interesting as i really thought people would be agreeing as aspects of their friendship I didnt think anyone else would be okay with..

    I dont think he would cheat with her.. more I think just jealous of how close they are as the only person i want to see several times a week is him and it makes me uncomfortable how reliant on him she is.

    I have told him it bothers me he sees her more sometimes and he explains it is just routine to pop in and see her as she lives really close to him and its convenient, plus he lives alone and gets bored. Maybe as the relationship develops I will feel differently..

    Im just not sure how I am going to stop being bothered by it
    Its fair to discuss the balance of time that you as his gf get. You cna point out that its not unreasonable for you to want some commitment to show he takes being a bf seriously.

    If you develop then you will also increase your level of trust and feel comfier with him. You have to be careful not to do the jealous or needy bit too much or he will have two of the same. You are more likely to win gim over if you are confident and can deal with the situation as long as he sticks to the agreed guidelines.

    More trust over time and you are likely to feel he wouldnt be who he is without this person. Just go with the flow for now and try to worry a little less. Review it in 4-6 months time.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Its fair to discuss the balance of time that you as his gf get. You cna point out that its not unreasonable for you to want some commitment to show he takes being a bf seriously.

    If you develop then you will also increase your level of trust and feel comfier with him. You have to be careful not to do the jealous or needy bit too much or he will have two of the same. You are more likely to win gim over if you are confident and can deal with the situation as long as he sticks to the agreed guidelines.

    More trust over time and you are likely to feel he wouldnt be who he is without this person. Just go with the flow for now and try to worry a little less. Review it in 4-6 months time.
    I have pointed out that i am unhappy he sometimes sees her more often than me and usually it is about the same. He just tells me it is convenient and habit and he would see his other friends this amount too if they were available and lived so close by. It grates on me a bit that he just always defends himself rather than makes changes.

    I really want to be okay with it. Would you not hate it if you were in my position? Although she has said he is like a brother to her she admitted she wouldnt be with a guy that had a close girl mate as she isnt laid back enough for it. Thw fact he seemed concerned for her as she is so reliant on him worries me. Am i just being overly jealous? To me alarm bells ring.
 
 
 
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