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    Hi everyone

    I'm very new to this, but I would really appreciate some feedback, from both guys and girls if possible.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We are both each other's first serious relationship and only sexual partners. In many ways the relationship is great, mutually supportive, affectionate - we are best friends and, because I had a rough childhood, he is the only family I have. We have a mortgage and a life together - seems great.

    Except.

    We are definitely mismatched in terms of our sex drives. At the start of the relationship, we had sex maybe once or twice a week, and it was ok. However, as time has gone on this has diminished into almost nothing. He never initiates, and when I try to I'm pushed away or told 'is that all you think about?'. I tried to be understanding and asked to talk about why, if I could do anything to make it more enjoyable for him, but he just said he is always tired and 'it isn't worth putting in the effort'. This isn't about positions or anything because many times I would do all the work, or just give him a ** I feel guilty because I'm finding myself less and less attracted to him. I tell myself that its superficial, and to concentrate on the important things rather than physical, but I can't help feeling like I want some passion (and some muscles).

    I asked if he would go to couples counselling as it was an issue that was really affecting us, as I have the need to be intimate and close to my partner. He refused and said he'd rather break up than face something that embarrassing. My self-esteem has got increasingly lower, and I feel like I'm constantly trying to fix things.

    There are other problems as well, we don't share many similar interests, and he told me recently that he only ever did the things I like (like hill walking, being outside,) at the start of our relationship to keep me happy and he actually hates them. He just wants to spend his spare time inside playing video games to relax.I have always been the one that makes all the plans for dates, holidays etc. and when I do, most of the time he doesn't want to go.

    I got really upset recently because he forgot completely that it was our anniversary (10th) and had booked to go off on a lads weekend. I didn't remind him until the day before, and then he did cancel the weekend.

    Basically, I'm wondering if I should continue in the relationship due to the emotional and financial ties that I have with this person, or risk losing everything I have in the pursuit of someone better matched that might not exist?

    Thanks for your input - so confused Bebe x
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    It sounds like you've done enough to try and revive the passion in your relationship. The fact he completely disregards the idea of going to couples counselling just speaks volumes of how much he actually cares for you and the life you've built together; it sounds as if he's lost interest in the relationship and is unwilling to put any effort in. I know how that feels like, so I'm sorry you're going through this.

    If it makes you unhappy, then by all means leave the relationship. I know there are things to consider, but ultimately this is your life and I have no doubt you'd rather spend it with someone who loves you and would do anything to see you happy.

    It's a hard situation, and we'll be here to support you through it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for your reply!

    I forgot to add a couple of things:
    - I hinted for the first 4/5 years that I wanted to get married. He kept stalling, saying maybe in the future, so I asked if we could get commitment rings. He agreed at first and then backed out after I got mine, saying he wouldn't wear one because it 'looked too much like a wedding ring'. Then last year, I gave up waiting and asked if he ever wanted to get married. He said no. He couldn't give me a reason either, saying something vague about not wanting the attention on him on the day. I asked if he believed in marriage and he said yes.

    I'm confused because he has shown every sign of wanting to be committed to me - he wanted to start a family even. He says he loves me constantly and when we nearly broke up earlier in the year he said he'd never find anyone else and can't live without me. But still won't change.
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    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your reply!

    I forgot to add a couple of things:
    - I hinted for the first 4/5 years that I wanted to get married. He kept stalling, saying maybe in the future, so I asked if we could get commitment rings. He agreed at first and then backed out after I got mine, saying he wouldn't wear one because it 'looked too much like a wedding ring'. Then last year, I gave up waiting and asked if he ever wanted to get married. He said no. He couldn't give me a reason either, saying something vague about not wanting the attention on him on the day. I asked if he believed in marriage and he said yes.

    I'm confused because he has shown every sign of wanting to be committed to me - he wanted to start a family even. He says he loves me constantly and when we nearly broke up earlier in the year he said he'd never find anyone else and can't live without me. But still won't change.
    Sounds like he has given up on the relationship and everything you've both built - more so with the way he'd refused counselling. I'm afraid it is time you let go.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    Thanks for your input - so confused Bebe x
    Don't end it yet it's just he's become complacent (it's normal). Here are things you could try to spice things up and make it more fun:

    1) Start going to the gym together! Get him into working out so he gains a bit of muscle like you desire (and also its good for you to get in shape). That will increase his testosterone levels naturally and no doubt he will be initiating soon.

    2) Tease him....wear sexy outfits when you want it. Play games together and tease him a lot.


    3) It doesn't matter if you don't share interests (this is common) that's fine what matters is that there is a passion in both of you about something. Do spontaneous things together go travelling somewhere totally random and exotic or something. Play video games with him too show interest in what he likes.

    4) Let him work for it show him a bit less affection but only after you've done parts 1 & 2. The problem is after being together for a long time he's become complacent and doesn't put effort anymore you've got to let him know that he still has to put in some work to keep you happy as you're doing like wise.


    If he doesn't improve after all this then leave his ass. That non appreciative motha ****a.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi everyone

    I'm very new to this, but I would really appreciate some feedback, from both guys and girls if possible.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We are both each other's first serious relationship and only sexual partners. In many ways the relationship is great, mutually supportive, affectionate - we are best friends and, because I had a rough childhood, he is the only family I have. We have a mortgage and a life together - seems great.

    Except.

    We are definitely mismatched in terms of our sex drives. At the start of the relationship, we had sex maybe once or twice a week, and it was ok. However, as time has gone on this has diminished into almost nothing. He never initiates, and when I try to I'm pushed away or told 'is that all you think about?'. I tried to be understanding and asked to talk about why, if I could do anything to make it more enjoyable for him, but he just said he is always tired and 'it isn't worth putting in the effort'. This isn't about positions or anything because many times I would do all the work, or just give him a ** I feel guilty because I'm finding myself less and less attracted to him. I tell myself that its superficial, and to concentrate on the important things rather than physical, but I can't help feeling like I want some passion (and some muscles).

    I asked if he would go to couples counselling as it was an issue that was really affecting us, as I have the need to be intimate and close to my partner. He refused and said he'd rather break up than face something that embarrassing. My self-esteem has got increasingly lower, and I feel like I'm constantly trying to fix things.

    There are other problems as well, we don't share many similar interests, and he told me recently that he only ever did the things I like (like hill walking, being outside,) at the start of our relationship to keep me happy and he actually hates them. He just wants to spend his spare time inside playing video games to relax.I have always been the one that makes all the plans for dates, holidays etc. and when I do, most of the time he doesn't want to go.

    I got really upset recently because he forgot completely that it was our anniversary (10th) and had booked to go off on a lads weekend. I didn't remind him until the day before, and then he did cancel the weekend.

    Basically, I'm wondering if I should continue in the relationship due to the emotional and financial ties that I have with this person, or risk losing everything I have in the pursuit of someone better matched that might not exist?

    Thanks for your input - so confused Bebe x

    1 to 2 times a week at the start of a relationship is alarm bell ringing in itself (not bad, just at least one of you has a low sex drive if this was the case).

    If he pushes you away though and says thats all you want constantly without making any effort to comfort you in other ways (such as taking you out for a meal, cuddling up on sofa etc etc), then he's just being disrespectful without any consideration for your feelings, get rid imo.

    I was stuck in a 6 year relationship, last few years we thought about splitting up and stuff, we had been together that long that the feeling of 'going solo' felt alien, but once you split up its honestly the best feeling you can have.

    Finishing a long term relationship feels VERY different from a short term one as you've both usually adjusted to the fact that it isn't going to last over the last few years, I've broken up with someone I cared about after a year long relationship and its taken over 6 months to stop missing them, I've also broken up with someone that I was with for over 6 years and literally a week later didn't miss them one bit!!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your reply!

    I forgot to add a couple of things:
    - I hinted for the first 4/5 years that I wanted to get married. He kept stalling, saying maybe in the future, so I asked if we could get commitment rings. He agreed at first and then backed out after I got mine, saying he wouldn't wear one because it 'looked too much like a wedding ring'. Then last year, I gave up waiting and asked if he ever wanted to get married. He said no. He couldn't give me a reason either, saying something vague about not wanting the attention on him on the day. I asked if he believed in marriage and he said yes.

    I'm confused because he has shown every sign of wanting to be committed to me - he wanted to start a family even. He says he loves me constantly and when we nearly broke up earlier in the year he said he'd never find anyone else and can't live without me. But still won't change.
    Appears as if he wants to leave you with the kids and run and start a new life :/
    As good as it seems this is probably not the person for you.
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    You need to sit down and ask each other what you want. Your relationship may have been beautiful until now, but sometimes things aren't meant to last. Although it sounds like he isn't trying, it also sounds like you're growing apart and this may just be your relationship running its course.

    This is going to end in one of three ways:
    - You'll tay together and be miserable and one of you (or both) will probably cheat. Then it'll end horribly.
    - You'll talk and find a way to fix your relationship and stay together.
    - You'll talk and reach the conclusion its over but it'll be a bittersweet and civil breakup.

    Please talk.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
 
 
 
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