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Am I just being stupid? watch

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    I'm not really sure where to begin... but i'm a 18 year old male who just has almost given up and just wanting to rant it all out. I guess there's always a story, let me tell you mine.

    It all began when during the summer of '09 before I began year 7. I wasn't good at making friends and still not, I had one friend, he was my best friend. I invited him to come out and play in the skatepark which both of our parents warned us not to go to, but to play in the park right next to our houses. He was reluctant on going but he came after my persuasion, he was hit by a bus on the way back and he died and it was my fault and I can never forgive myself, to this day I wish it was me who was hit rather than him, he was smart and he had a bright future. I lost my only friend, and I started secondary school without him, since we was going to the same one.

    Since I wasn't good at making friends, I tried to make a friend, but that person turned out to be a bully, and i immediately regretted it, and so I become his constant target, nearly everyday I was bullied, both verbally and physically. I spent all the lessons alone, no one wanted to sit next to me, i spent lunches by myself, no social events etc... being bullied everyday, mainly due to my appearance of being very overweight at the time, since food was the only thing that I guess made me happy. I was too scared to tell anyone, my parents and teachers never knew, there was nothing I could do.

    This went on from year 7 - 11, I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 15 in year 11, my parents still didn't know. It affected my learning, I had given up, I had no motivation to do anything, and my parents weren't supporting me, even if they didn't know, they should still support their child, but yeah I felt really neglected growing up as if I didn't matter. I never got treated to anything, I've never celebrated my birthday or any festive holidays at all, my parents are very controlling when it does come down to anything.

    I ended up getting 2Bs and 9Cs in my GCSEs, was told I was a disappointment and compared to cousins who got As, and I was forced to carry on, so I moved to another sixth form, so I did. I started off with 4 A levels, soon realising I couldn't handle it with all the stress making everything worse, so i dropped one. I then went through another year of ****, not being able to concentrate, not being able to sleep and eat, by this time I lost a lot of weight and become 'average'. I could barely sleep, get about 3-5 hours a night and the only way Id fall asleep is crying myself to sleep, my parents still don't know about it.

    I finished the year with BDU in my subjects which basically meant I failed, and was told i'm a disappointment again and i've always been a failure etc... I guess it got too much and I took an overdose, I can't really remember much, just flashing lights and oxygen masks, but yeah I survived. My parents pretended they cared once I was released for about 2 weeks and I had a therapist for a few weeks, my parents were unable to give me a lift most of the time, so I had to take public transport/walk about an 1 hour journey and when I did get a lift it was just getting told off about how i'm wasting petrol.

    We then moved homes from London to Birmingham so my therapy stopped and I started at a new sixth form re sitting year 12, I was really hoping to improve my social life at least, since I don't have much control at home. I tried to fit in but it just wasn't working again, and i knew it was gonna be another 2 years of ****, I was always tired, couldn't sleep, crying myself to sleep. I decided I was actually going to commit suicide with a more effective method, and had it all planned out.

    It was getting close to exam season, and I decided to join Tinder and about a week in I met this girl and I guess I found someone to talk to and we both got attached very quickly and eventually opened up after a few weeks of talking, I met her in person, this is a long distance relationship and it's over 50 miles distance between us. I completed my exams and I got ACD which still wasn't good enough, and yeah the same thing happened which i'm just used too by now. My relationship got stronger and stronger, and I was feeling a bit happier because I had someone who cared about me, so I decided not to end my life because it felt worth living for her, because she's been though something similar. My parents still don't really have any idea about my depression or my girlfriend, best keep it that way.

    This academic year has started and even though she makes me happy I rarely see her so it's very hard, but i always tell myself shes worth it, and she is but she's not there majority of the time and i'm not there majority of the time, but we love each other so much to just break up. I'm just starting to feel hopeless and just not sure if I can last another year of being at home around my parents, if you haven't noticed aren't very nice people. I just basically can't deal with anything anymore, and i'm not sure what to do?

    Probably going to get no views but yeah I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest.
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    First things first, the environment in which you currently reside in is in no way helping you, trust me when I say you need to get out of your toxic environment because if you're parents are truly the way you've described them, then you need to get out and rent an apartment or crash with your girlfriend. You can rent houses or an apartment at 16 with a guarantor (someone who will pay the rent if you can't) or if your 18, without one. If you get out of your toxic environment then you can breath and start getting your **** - excuse me - together. Secondly, GO BACK TO THERAPY, therapy can be such a helpful and beneficial experience for you and you shouldn't stop it till YOU feel like you TRULY don't need it anymore. Thirdly, work on your self-esteem, getting out of your toxic environment an going to therapy will definitely help with this, but you sound like a lovely person that deserves happiness, so smile. Lastly, forgive yourself, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Get that in your head and live the life your best friend will want you to live, because if he truly was your best friend, he would want you to be happy and remember him and all the lovely - and not terrible - times you had.
    • #2
    #2

    Hello. Similar-ish story; I've been suffering with depression since I was 8 due to bullying, and had a pretty rough family life too (emotional abuse/neglect).

    Best thing I did was to leave school at 16 and start working and I thoroughly recommend this to other people in similar situations.

    Took a long time to get my sh** together but I did heal. Worked a job I loved but that paid badly in theatre at first, then started working as a junior accountant when I was 20. Now, in my mid 20s, I'm gearing up to go back into education as my head is sorted enough to deal with that level of focus.

    Keep going, you'll get stronger and things always get better <3
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    Sorry OP for breaking your thread so spectacularly! Think it's okay now, and moved it to mental health so hopefully you'll get some better replies here

    Also agree that your GP would be your best bet, sorry you've been through so much. They can do a lot to help, including referring you to a counsellor/therapist/somewhere else or maybe prescribing medication if they think it would help and you want to try.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not really sure where to begin... but i'm a 18 year old male who just has almost given up and just wanting to rant it all out. I guess there's always a story, let me tell you mine.

    It all began when during the summer of '09 before I began year 7. I wasn't good at making friends and still not, I had one friend, he was my best friend. I invited him to come out and play in the skatepark which both of our parents warned us not to go to, but to play in the park right next to our houses. He was reluctant on going but he came after my persuasion, he was hit by a bus on the way back and he died and it was my fault and I can never forgive myself, to this day I wish it was me who was hit rather than him, he was smart and he had a bright future. I lost my only friend, and I started secondary school without him, since we was going to the same one.

    Since I wasn't good at making friends, I tried to make a friend, but that person turned out to be a bully, and i immediately regretted it, and so I become his constant target, nearly everyday I was bullied, both verbally and physically. I spent all the lessons alone, no one wanted to sit next to me, i spent lunches by myself, no social events etc... being bullied everyday, mainly due to my appearance of being very overweight at the time, since food was the only thing that I guess made me happy. I was too scared to tell anyone, my parents and teachers never knew, there was nothing I could do.

    This went on from year 7 - 11, I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 15 in year 11, my parents still didn't know. It affected my learning, I had given up, I had no motivation to do anything, and my parents weren't supporting me, even if they didn't know, they should still support their child, but yeah I felt really neglected growing up as if I didn't matter. I never got treated to anything, I've never celebrated my birthday or any festive holidays at all, my parents are very controlling when it does come down to anything.

    I ended up getting 2Bs and 9Cs in my GCSEs, was told I was a disappointment and compared to cousins who got As, and I was forced to carry on, so I moved to another sixth form, so I did. I started off with 4 A levels, soon realising I couldn't handle it with all the stress making everything worse, so i dropped one. I then went through another year of ****, not being able to concentrate, not being able to sleep and eat, by this time I lost a lot of weight and become 'average'. I could barely sleep, get about 3-5 hours a night and the only way Id fall asleep is crying myself to sleep, my parents still don't know about it.

    I finished the year with BDU in my subjects which basically meant I failed, and was told i'm a disappointment again and i've always been a failure etc... I guess it got too much and I took an overdose, I can't really remember much, just flashing lights and oxygen masks, but yeah I survived. My parents pretended they cared once I was released for about 2 weeks and I had a therapist for a few weeks, my parents were unable to give me a lift most of the time, so I had to take public transport/walk about an 1 hour journey and when I did get a lift it was just getting told off about how i'm wasting petrol.

    We then moved homes from London to Birmingham so my therapy stopped and I started at a new sixth form re sitting year 12, I was really hoping to improve my social life at least, since I don't have much control at home. I tried to fit in but it just wasn't working again, and i knew it was gonna be another 2 years of ****, I was always tired, couldn't sleep, crying myself to sleep. I decided I was actually going to commit suicide with a more effective method, and had it all planned out.

    It was getting close to exam season, and I decided to join Tinder and about a week in I met this girl and I guess I found someone to talk to and we both got attached very quickly and eventually opened up after a few weeks of talking, I met her in person, this is a long distance relationship and it's over 50 miles distance between us. I completed my exams and I got ACD which still wasn't good enough, and yeah the same thing happened which i'm just used too by now. My relationship got stronger and stronger, and I was feeling a bit happier because I had someone who cared about me, so I decided not to end my life because it felt worth living for her, because she's been though something similar. My parents still don't really have any idea about my depression or my girlfriend, best keep it that way.

    This academic year has started and even though she makes me happy I rarely see her so it's very hard, but i always tell myself shes worth it, and she is but she's not there majority of the time and i'm not there majority of the time, but we love each other so much to just break up. I'm just starting to feel hopeless and just not sure if I can last another year of being at home around my parents, if you haven't noticed aren't very nice people. I just basically can't deal with anything anymore, and i'm not sure what to do?

    Probably going to get no views but yeah I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest.
    Any comfort you need, I'm here for you! :console: :hugs:
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