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    I started studying mathematics at the university this September and I'm HATING it. I was going through the motions of getting the maths, further maths and chemistry a levels without realising that I used to LOVE writing essays in English and found written exams fun!

    I also suffered through a lot of trauma at home and mental illness has marred my studies throughout my life and this is definitely affecting me hugely at uni. Getting my a levels was like fighting a war; at the time I was moved into supported living with abusive staff and then put in a psych ward. I worked SO hard just to get out of that situation, but it was miserable and now I realise I have little passion for maths.

    I have probably attended fewer than half my lectures and sometimes struggled to just get up and function because of my severe depression/anxiety. I'm also totally at a loss with organising my work and everything is a mess. I can understand most of the material, but even then I'm just thinking 'who cares?' and I feel completely outpaced by my peers who seem to grasp everything intuitively. ESPECIALLY my programming module. I have no ****ing clue what is going on.

    There are no places in any of the courses I want to do and I honestly feel like if I don't defer and try to power through I still won't pass because I'm in such a bad place mentally. I've overdosed 8 times in the past year and struggle with drug dependence (things like valium just to black out all the horrible **** in my life, and uppers to get my motivation up from zero). But if I did defer, I would DEFINITELY not want to go home. I wouldn't even be allowed to my actual home, only a supported living unit.

    I really would rather be doing PPE, psychology or neuroscience because they all represent my interests better. Ironically, I lean towards humanities subjects but I'm doing maths.

    Any advice on what I should do? Anyone else been through similar experiences?
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    Have you talked to your personal tutor?
 
 
 
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