Am I holding him back?

Recently, me and my boyfriend had a chat about uni and stuff. We've been together for 3 years, so we're pretty serious. He wants to go to university, but I don't. Up until recently, he had been saying he wanted to go to uni far away, but after our talk he said he wants to go to uni near us, so he doesn't have to move away from me. I'm obviously happy with this, but I'm scared I'm holding him back and he'l regret this. He has always wanted to go somewhere completely different for the experience, but since we had to be apart for a couple of months a while ago, we know we couldn't hack a long distance relationship. Which is why he has decided to go to uni near, so we don't have to be apart for long. What do you guys think? Do you think I'm holding him back?

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Reply 1

dh00001

at the end of the day its up to him. tell him you want him to do what he wants to do. let him know it is entirly down to him. make it clear that he can do what he wants and then he cant hold grudges

Reply 2

Yellowmarshmellow

If he has decided that he wants to go to a uni nearby then it's his decision and as long as you support him whatever he wants to do then you're not holding him back at all :smile:

Reply 3

Hannah_2804

As you say you are quite serious, is there any chance of your boyfriend going to a university far away, and you moving there with him? I understand that this may be hard with regards to finding somewhere to live, and then paying for it. But then you could share the whole experience together, and your boyfriend would get to go to somewhere far away as he initially wanted, and there would be no distance between you.
Apologies if this isn't really any help what so ever!

But as other people have said, if he has made this decision to stay near you, I wouldn't say you were holding him back :smile:

Just make sure you talk it through thoroughly and all that.

Good luck xx

Reply 4

9mm

Join Date: Jan 1970

0.o

sorry for this useless post, but...0.o

Reply 5

aristademis

It depends. If he really wants to have a uni experience far from home, and you nagged him until he stayed, then yes.

Reply 6

I_am_the_mob

Also it depends on the uni, if the uni he could go to far away is better suited for him academicaly etc then you should let him go
As long as he's happier to stay with you then let him

Reply 7

envious

I guess it is his decision and he has chosen to stay close to you, so no, you aren't holding him back when simply considering this fact.

I can't help but feel a little disturbed about this situation however, as you mention in your post that moving away has been a long term ambition of your boyfriend that has only changed since you realised as a couple that you were not suited to a long distance relationship. Thus the decision to stay local seems to have been based upon you and his desire to remain with you.

I do not mean to belittle your relationship in any way, as you mention that you have been together for three years which obviously implies that you are serious, but you do have to consider the fact that not many couples remain together forever when they have met so young and that there is a chance that you will not be life partners. Do you feel that he would resent giving up the opportunity to move far away and live his dream if you did eventually split up? Even if you remain together perhaps as his friends move to the places he wants to go and have the experiences he wants to have there is a chance that either he will become jealous of them and blame you or that you will always have that nagging doubt in the back of your own mind that you did indeed "hold him back".

All I am saying is that whilst it is sometimes easier to accept someone's decision merely on face value as it suits ourselves, sometimes digging a little deeper and questioning the rationale behind these choices can save a lot of heartache in the future and can ensure that at least all possible eventualities are considered. By the way, I'm sorry if this comes across as patronising, I just couldn't think of a better way of wording it :redface:

Good luck in whatever you and your boyfriend choose to do :biggrin:

Reply 8

FyreFight

Well, you obviously are holding him back, as he's making compromises on your behalf. It's really just a question of whether your relationship is worth being held back for.

Reply 9

Dittoo

Isnt it a bit late for all the uni stuff now?

Reply 10

dan

Dittoo

Isnt it a bit late for all the uni stuff now?

I assume he's at the age where he'll be selecting university choices next year.

Personally, I'd follow dh's advice. You need to make it clear to him of how you feel about the matter. If you don't want to hold him back then tell him that you can work around the distance and sort out some form of compromise (there's a few successful long-ish distance couples on here for instance! - texts, phone-calls, meeting up on certain days, spending the holidays together etc. are just some examples of how you can stay in touch). If he really is dead-set on staying close to you then you've done all you can and he has obviously made up his mind.

Reply 11

Bread and Circlejerks

Aristoteles

Join Date: Jan 1970

0.o

sorry for this useless post, but...0.o

'Anonymous', you silly sod.

Reply 12

mbscot

yes if you are meant to be together you will, don't make him study near you nor he will end up resenting you

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Thanks for all the replies.
Hannah - we have discussed that yes, but since he is still unsure of where he wants to study, we haven't managed to look into that yet. It would be a good idea to do that, so he wouldn't have to compromise for me, but it's just the money issue.
And yes, it's uni next year, not this year!
I haven't nagged him or anything, we were just simply talking about what we want to do and he just said he doesn't want to leave me, so he'll study near.
envious - that's what I'm worried about, that if we split up then I will have made him go to a uni and done things in life which he didn't want to! And I don't want that.

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

You arent holding him back. If hes unsure bout what he wants to study or where but hes sure bout you it makes sense to stay near you. I would say let him make up his own mind. And if ihes decision is he wants to be near you then just enjoy what you have and let him stay close.

Reply 15

prettygreeneyes99

Nah, its not as dramatic as he's decided not to go to uni at all... end of the day I think it doesnt matter which uni you go to as long as you have a good experience! I wouldnt worry about it personally, just take it as a compliment that your relationship is that important to him!

Reply 16

Schajin

I am in a similar situation, but on the other side of it.
We're already in a long distance relationship, but my gf doesn't want to go on like this anymore.
She doesn't want to go to University, but I do. And yes I do feel held back sometimes. It's like I have a plan for my life, and she doesn't. Therefore I would hope, she moves with me...but than I feel selfish...
The way I see it, your bf has had this plan for a long time and is willing to give it up. So he is making the decision to choose you over Uni.
Just make sure its worth it for him. The danger is, that he might be looking back some time in the future and regret it. That way it could potentially stand between you in some unspoken of way
As long as he is just giving up "the experience" and not some major academical advantage it shouldn't be a problem though...

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Thanks again for all the advice. I'm scared that he'll make his sacrifice and then regret it, either because he doesn't want to be with me anymore, or be annoyed at the fact he hasn't moved away. Although, he does reassure me that he loves me, and wants to stay together etc, so I know I'm being silly, but it just seems such a big thing to do.
The way I see it, taking all your advice into account, is that the best thing to do is to go wherever he decides he wants to go to uni. I suppose it would only be 3 or 4 years, and that way I could get a job and support him while he is studying. Do others think this is the best?

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

No, we haven't had any fights. It's just been more getting upset at the prospect of breaking up! I think you're right, that talking about stuff like this has made things more real - and highlighted the fact that we could break up.

Reply 19

prettygreeneyes99

junglemonkey

It probably didn't click with him that he would lose you until you spoke. My boyfriend wanted to study in Canada and I don't think he realised if he did that he would lose me.

At the end of the day, relationships ARE important, I don't get why people don't seem to think that. I don't get why a relationship of three years should be thrown away like that? I think it's important that you don't play against each other with this, you need to have a partnership and decide together what is the best option. You could move with him!

If you've been having fights and stuff about it and he's really passionate about it, then you should let him do it. Just work out a compromise such as moving together if you don't want an LDR. If he's just like "oh it's something I might like to do but I'm not sure", it's a no brainer!

I love how the guys assume you nagged him lol. Some guys do have dedication to their partners you know!

I totally agree with you, I dont know why people seem to dismiss relationships when taking into account where they are going to uni etc... I know that when my boyfriend finishes uni next year and Ive still got 2 years left that Ive got a decision to make as to whether I just want to see him every weekend or live at home and commute to uni!