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Is it selfish not wanting kids?

If a woman and man are in their 30's and settle down and he wants kids but she doesn't is she being selfish for refusing to have them?

Reply 1

......?

Well, they're both being selfish, for wanting what they want.

Reply 2

yellow96

15

No, but it'd probaby have been best to have told him before they settled down.

Reply 3

loz_fairy

8

Of course not!
If she doesn't want them the she is perfectly within her reasons not to.
She would of course be selfish to expect him to stay with her after this disagreement.

Reply 4

goodLife

OP

Thelfo

No, but it'd probaby have been best to have told him before they settled down.

Thats what I thought but what if she was undecided

Reply 5

goodLife

OP

loz_fairy

She would of course be selfish to expect him to stay with her after this disagreement.

Surely he can't love her much then if he divirced her because of this. He must love kids more than her..in a way

Reply 6

Amlea

1

A woman has to be positive its what she wants.Its her body. But at the same time peoples preferences change and she might change her mind. She must be aware that she might be too late in the end. Like all things in life its a risk.

Reply 7

yellow96

15

goodLife

Thats what I thought but what if she was undecided

She should have mentioned that she was undecided. I don't think it's selfish in any respect, but it can hardly make for a good relationship.

Reply 8

loz_fairy

8

goodLife

Surely he can't love her much then if he divirced her because of this. He must love kids more than her..in a way

Well yes, but if he could never be happy without children then perhaps that would be the only option as opposed to a wedge being driven between them....

If the man I was with wanted children, then I would feel he resented me for not having them, but maybe thats just how I see it

Reply 9

la fille danse

17

Erm, only if you think women only exist to make babies.

Reply 10

Tut.exe

14

more adventurous

Erm, only if you think women only exist to make babies.

Actually the 'women' in your sentence can be 'marriage' or 'relationship' or 'egg cells' :smile:

Reply 11

Sarky

18

It is worse to have kids when you know deep down you don´t really want them.

If you don´t want children and are in a long term relationship you should be honest about that once you are clear where the relationship is going. Actually you should be honest about things like that even if you want kids.

Reply 12

loz_fairy

8

It's something that should have come up I'd imagine. My ex knew I never wanted children even though it wasn't something that was every on our horizons.

I'm now really curious as to the specific situation of this question!

Reply 13

Jelkin

17

Yeah, it's something you need to discuss before you get really serious with someone. I have already talked about it with my boyfriend; I've told him that I don't want kids but may (one day) change my mind.

Some people feel an overwhelming desire to have children, so I don't think it would mean that he didn't love her to divorce her over it. I imagine it would be a painful decision to make. If he didn't divorce her, it would probably destroy the marriage anyway because of his resentment at not having kids. It's not any more selfish to not want kids than it is to want kids, but it's something that should definitely be talked about before people get married!

Reply 14

coldplasma

16

This is a very simple situation. If you never want kids ever, and you want to be in a long term relationship with a guy who does want kids, by expecting him to simply put up with your want, you are depriving him of the family that he has probably always wanted, and in turn being selfish. You cannot reasonably expect a family-type guy to stay with you if you do not want to start a family with him. He might love you, but he will never be truly happy without that family which he has always planned on setting up one day.

Reply 15

Innuendo_anonymous

No, she isn't being selfish at all. It would just have been better to discuss the subject of children before settling down.

Reply 16

BlackpoolCraig

11

There is no obligation to have children. If you don't want kids, then don't have kids.

However, this sort of thing is something that needs to be talked about earlier on in the relationship.

Reply 17

Leigh

15

As has been said, it's not selfish but it is still a serious issue that could make or break the relationship.

Reply 18

la fille danse

17

What would be selfish is expecting someone who doesn't want children to bear children just because you want them.

Reply 19

Zoecb

11

I think it was stupid of them to get that far without discussing it previously. If I was in a relationship with someone who absolutely did not want children I would not let it get long-term in any way. If I was in a long-term realtionship with someone who wanted children at first then decided they did not, I would leave them. End of story. It's a childless life OR me, can't have both.

Is it selfish not wanting kids?

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