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Only have eyes for my ex watch

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    My ex (last serious long-ish relationship) and I were together for a relatively brief spell but it was the my first true relationship and incredibly intense. Discussions of future, children etc were common and I feel that I was in love with her.

    Whilst I recognised the bad aspects of her person, I adored the way she made me feel about myself. As an individual with serious self-esteem issues, and long-term depression, having a partner who constantly praised me in the strongest terms was incredible. I loved her alternativeway of life, and aspirations (so different to mine). My family is deeply dysfunctional, so we would spend most of our time at her place. This became like a second home, her family preferable to mine in many ways, and they would often talk of me in terms of being a second son to them (asking me to look after the house whilst they were away, giving me a key etc.). In times of family crisis, I would stay at my gf's place, and it became like a retreat, so happy and idyllic by comparison with my own.

    Well, after going off to uni, my gf cheated on me, and treated me in a manner completely contrary to the way she had seemingly regarded me only weeks before. Obviously, I was distraught, my self-esteem plummetted, and my depression came back in a major way, culminating in a suicide attempt and a stay on a pyshiatric ward.

    Since then, I have tried to live a somewhat normal life, to get back to myself as I was before we met, or the confidence I felt during. I simply cannot seem to extricate myself from her though. I have dated other people, yet she still remains on my mind in a major way. This is not helped by the fact that she still contacts me on ocassion and the fact that we have slept together a few times since.

    I try to take an interest in other women, but I simply cannot muster attraction for them - I can appreciate a person, for their personality, attributes, appearance etc. but feel no desire for them. Is this odd? Have others felt like this post-breakup (albeit perhaps for a shorter period)?
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    no offense but tl; dr because you're gonna have to move on mate
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My ex (last serious long-ish relationship) and I were together for a relatively brief spell but it was the my first true relationship and incredibly intense. Discussions of future, children etc were common and I feel that I was in love with her.

    Whilst I recognised the bad aspects of her person, I adored the way she made me feel about myself. As an individual with serious self-esteem issues, and long-term depression, having a partner who constantly praised me in the strongest terms was incredible. I loved her alternativeway of life, and aspirations (so different to mine). My family is deeply dysfunctional, so we would spend most of our time at her place. This became like a second home, her family preferable to mine in many ways, and they would often talk of me in terms of being a second son to them (asking me to look after the house whilst they were away, giving me a key etc.). In times of family crisis, I would stay at my gf's place, and it became like a retreat, so happy and idyllic by comparison with my own.

    Well, after going off to uni, my gf cheated on me, and treated me in a manner completely contrary to the way she had seemingly regarded me only weeks before. Obviously, I was distraught, my self-esteem plummetted, and my depression came back in a major way, culminating in a suicide attempt and a stay on a pyshiatric ward.

    Since then, I have tried to live a somewhat normal life, to get back to myself as I was before we met, or the confidence I felt during. I simply cannot seem to extricate myself from her though. I have dated other people, yet she still remains on my mind in a major way. This is not helped by the fact that she still contacts me on ocassion and the fact that we have slept together a few times since.

    I try to take an interest in other women, but I simply cannot muster attraction for them - I can appreciate a person, for their personality, attributes, appearance etc. but feel no desire for them. Is this odd? Have others felt like this post-breakup (albeit perhaps for a shorter period)?
    Confront her talk about the good times, the aspirations you both had and mention whether she still see's a future in the relationship, if she wants to play around with you and not commit then there you have it, closure. If she wants to commit great but you have to set a few ground rules like no sleeping around with others or flirting or whatever and if she cheats again get rid of her and don't contact her at all and there you have closure.
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    You considered suicide because your girlfriend broke up with you?

    I wish my life was as comfortable as yours.
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    I don't think we get over things but through them.

    It's like scar tissue, you heal but it's not the same. You need time but your first priority should be you. How are you doing emotionally? Have you started medication? I have struggled with depression and low self esteem so i can understand how you liked the way she made you feel better about yourself.

    Ask her directly if you still want a relationship with her, but the thing I see right now is that you won't be able to move on if you still have contact with her. You need to cut her out directly- this would mean no phone calls or meeting up. The no contact rule just gives you space to sort out your head. The first few days are the roughest but 5 days turn into 14. 14 into a month and so on.

    Write her a goodbye letter but don't send it. Get out any unsaid feelings. Journal cry. You'll get through this.But you need to start loving yourself first. This is so much harder than it sounds. You are special you will find love again. I finished the book Love yourself like your life depends on it by Kamal Ravikant just today and it's well written and just to the point.

    Here if you want to talk more. Hope you feel better soon.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My ex (last serious long-ish relationship) and I were together for a relatively brief spell but it was the my first true relationship and incredibly intense. Discussions of future, children etc were common and I feel that I was in love with her.

    Whilst I recognised the bad aspects of her person, I adored the way she made me feel about myself. As an individual with serious self-esteem issues, and long-term depression, having a partner who constantly praised me in the strongest terms was incredible. I loved her alternativeway of life, and aspirations (so different to mine). My family is deeply dysfunctional, so we would spend most of our time at her place. This became like a second home, her family preferable to mine in many ways, and they would often talk of me in terms of being a second son to them (asking me to look after the house whilst they were away, giving me a key etc.). In times of family crisis, I would stay at my gf's place, and it became like a retreat, so happy and idyllic by comparison with my own.

    Well, after going off to uni, my gf cheated on me, and treated me in a manner completely contrary to the way she had seemingly regarded me only weeks before. Obviously, I was distraught, my self-esteem plummetted, and my depression came back in a major way, culminating in a suicide attempt and a stay on a pyshiatric ward.

    Since then, I have tried to live a somewhat normal life, to get back to myself as I was before we met, or the confidence I felt during. I simply cannot seem to extricate myself from her though. I have dated other people, yet she still remains on my mind in a major way. This is not helped by the fact that she still contacts me on ocassion and the fact that we have slept together a few times since.

    I try to take an interest in other women, but I simply cannot muster attraction for them - I can appreciate a person, for their personality, attributes, appearance etc. but feel no desire for them. Is this odd? Have others felt like this post-breakup (albeit perhaps for a shorter period)?
    I understand some of what you feel. Depression, intensity, dysfunctional family, second family, suicide.

    All I can really say is that it takes time, and a whole lot of self-love. Focusing on what makes you happy and trying to fill your life to the brim with achievement, goals, success etc is only part of the healing process. Time is ultimately what does it for a lot of people, and often it takes a lot of it. It's best not to force yourself into dating when you're not feeling it, as you'll only end up hurting yourself/others.

    Be kind to yourself, trust that things will get better, and move on with your life.

    All the best.
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    Time will heal. You have to cut contact completely. You can do it- be strong and focus on yourself. If you do this, you will become a better person, and you will build confidence in yourself.
 
 
 
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