I'm a very patient and understanding person but I'm utterly fed up here.
He's 33 and hasn't worked in three years! When people have anxiety attacks or depression I completely understand taking some time off work, a few months if need be. But he's taken a few years now. I've helped him make a new CV, spoken about what he's good at/trained in and how easily he could get a job in that department, or just an easy part time shop job, or even just volunteering so he's not sat in his bedroom 24/7! He's been on medication and had help for years, but as soon as he leaves the therapy he's back to ignoring everything they just told him. He gets benefit money and for a while I thought he was saving up for living with me/even an engagement ring or something.. but nope he went and spent it all on a new expensive computer. I was so angry about that since he said he wanted to move in with me when he has enough money for splitting the bills, I wasn't even gonna ask him for rent!
I've told him I want a partner, and I'm not going to 'mom' him. He needs to step up and be my partner, not grumble down the phone at me if I ask how job-hunting is going cause he's not doing it at all, he's not trying, he doesn't care about stepping up and being my partner or doing anything with his life at all. He hasn't suffered any trauma and he's not mourning or anything, I don't understand why he's chosen to cut himself off from reality for years. I'm at my last straw, don't want to leave him but I want someone who can work hard and have a life with me. By the way with his mental health, he's fine to go on days and nights out. Just when I ask him about earning money he's suddenly not feeling ok. It's ******** now.
Turn on thread page Beta
Adult boyfriend needs to grow up and work! watch
- Thread Starter
- 10-11-2016 14:55
- 11-11-2016 09:56
OK well you don't seem to understand how mental health works. You don't need to undergo some trauma or bereavement to experience depression and it's quite common that people who are depressed/anxious can manage to do one off nice things because they have a much bigger motivator, less to go wrong and it's a smaller commitment. Actually working is much harder as you have to commit long term, it's probably not going to be enjoyable so if you already get enough money to live on you have no real motivator, and you will have a lot of pressure and will really fail if you get fired. The whole process of even getting a job (1. searching the internet to find the right thing, nothing is good enough, 2. spending hours writing a good enough application, selling yourself when you hate yourself, 3. going to interviews, getting rejected, etc is much harder than the 1. get dressed, 2. go to a nightclub, 3. drink) is difficult and overwhelming.
That said, I completely see how you feel. You're looking at living together and wanting to be an adult and your partner is stuck and seemingly won't attempt to move forwards. I would feel exactly the same. You are not obligated to put up with this just because your partner has a mental illness. I think you do need to ask yourself seriously what you can and can't put up with long term and then talk to him, be completely honest that you need X, Y and Z from him in these time frames or you can't stay in the relationship.
It may even be that losing you would give him the push to actually do something.