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    I've seen posts like this before but thought i'd make my own.
    I intend to study law, and have applied to Cardiff, Birmingham, kings, SOAS and Bristol. Since year 12 I have been constantly reminded that I cannot move out of Cardiff, because of safety, finance, 'maturity' and CULTURE (females should not leave the home until married apparently) I've always had my heart set on London but after a lot of heated arguments I've decided to let that go.

    This October I sent off my ucas and my first offer was from Cardiff, AAB. This week, I received an unconditional from Birmingham and I was over the moon because I was so keen on going there. However, my mum straight up said no I can't move out and began ignoring me and repeatedly made condescending remarks throughout the evening. My dad is more open minded than my mum having been brought up here and said he would consider letting me go. A day later he did his own research etc and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't firm Birmingham bc of my 'lack of maturity' (???) and how if i stayed at home i would have a secure home, food etc + he would 'buy me a new car with accommodation money if i stayed in Cardiff.' He did mention he was proud and that he does support the fact that taking up the unconditional would relieve me of so much stress.

    Honestly speaking, I don't get along with my mum because of a number of reasons, one of them being name calling, guilt tripping and favouring my younger brother with EVERYTHING. Along with other pro's linked to moving out, it would also help out my SANITY and happiness, and I have mentioned this to her; this only intensified everything and the situation didn't improve.

    My dilemma is that i want to firm Birmingham, i have used the whole birmingham is higher than Cardiff on the league tables, better job opportunity, argument already. I'm really worried about the consequences of firming bham without telling them, especially considering the fact that my mum once said that she would 'marry me off' instead of me moving out of town, if I didn't get into Cardiff.

    + this isn't as easy as leaving everything or raising my voice.

    I've had advice from my friends who all said that I should firm and not tell my parents until results day, and to go and seek advice from the career advisor at my school.

    I was just in need of different solutions as my worries are mainly how they will react, finance without support (possibly?) and maybe getting them to come around (my dad is coming with me to the applicant visit day to look at the uni.)

    for context, i am a British-Pakistani female. I would really appreciate any help because I've been stressed out for the past few months, and am very unhappy with the current situation.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've seen posts like this before but thought i'd make my own.
    I intend to study law, and have applied to Cardiff, Birmingham, kings, SOAS and Bristol. Since year 12 I have been constantly reminded that I cannot move out of Cardiff, because of safety, finance, 'maturity' and CULTURE (females should not leave the home until married apparently) I've always had my heart set on London but after a lot of heated arguments I've decided to let that go.

    This October I sent off my ucas and my first offer was from Cardiff, AAB. This week, I received an unconditional from Birmingham and I was over the moon because I was so keen on going there. However, my mum straight up said no I can't move out and began ignoring me and repeatedly made condescending remarks throughout the evening. My dad is more open minded than my mum having been brought up here and said he would consider letting me go. A day later he did his own research etc and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't firm Birmingham bc of my 'lack of maturity' (???) and how if i stayed at home i would have a secure home, food etc + he would 'buy me a new car with accommodation money if i stayed in Cardiff.' He did mention he was proud and that he does support the fact that taking up the unconditional would relieve me of so much stress.

    Honestly speaking, I don't get along with my mum because of a number of reasons, one of them being name calling, guilt tripping and favouring my younger brother with EVERYTHING. Along with other pro's linked to moving out, it would also help out my SANITY and happiness, and I have mentioned this to her; this only intensified everything and the situation didn't improve.

    My dilemma is that i want to firm Birmingham, i have used the whole birmingham is higher than Cardiff on the league tables, better job opportunity, argument already. I'm really worried about the consequences of firming bham without telling them, especially considering the fact that my mum once said that she would 'marry me off' instead of me moving out of town, if I didn't get into Cardiff.

    + this isn't as easy as leaving everything or raising my voice.

    I've had advice from my friends who all said that I should firm and not tell my parents until results day, and to go and seek advice from the career advisor at my school.

    I was just in need of different solutions as my worries are mainly how they will react, finance without support (possibly?) and maybe getting them to come around (my dad is coming with me to the applicant visit day to look at the uni.)

    for context, i am a British-Pakistani female. I would really appreciate any help because I've been stressed out for the past few months, and am very unhappy with the current situation.
    I haven't read everything but I know my elder sister wasn't allowed to move out but it was a degree in healthcare so it didn't make a difference but a degree in law/business/finance/engineering it really matters where you graduate and if Birmingham is the best law school on the uni's you've applied give your parents that perspective that oh Birmingham is the best for my education it will help when I need to get a job and if I go to [insert uni's you don't want to go to] then I will be in major debt not in the job I studied for, debt and job talk will usually get your parents around. For perspective im from a similar background me and my sister are of similar age and I've moved away from home for uni I'm a guy so slightly different rules for guys sadly, but my parents are seeing why uni away from home sometimes can be good, i'm self sufficient I can cook, clean all of that and I'm doing well at uni, thankfully my two younger brothers are significantly younger than me so hopefully they're not tied down to a certain area, but with Asian parents usually education being better, debt and job talk will get them around and tbh I am bit of rebel by Asian standards, I'm going to do postgrad study my dads cool with it my mums from back home but I told them both point blank I make my own decisions in life nothing you can say will convince me otherwise Ps they where trying to talk me out of postgrad study because of marriage at age of 24 but I couldnt give a **** really and to not piss them of completely I just give them examples of guys I know in medical school who are married.


    EDIT: Just read everything want to mention that my parents don't give me **** about postgrad study at all just the usual beta you've got to get married palaver but usually a cheeky one liner like I'll arrange it myself followed by a wink solves it. The postgrad study will allow me to earn into six figures and my dad's like go for it kid, my mum just wants me to settle down and be satisfied with just being able to pay the bills but I explained to her that Dad works hard, puts food on the table wasn't given the chance to study so me, the next generation has to take opportunities like education and make lots of money, have a successful business, a portfolio of property so my kids can have private education for example and give them the things I wasn't given and with this they can take all my assets and business up a level and we build an empire make a family business this obviously isn't universal advice but you've really got to strike at your parents heart make them feel better about themselves if your parents never went to uni mention oh your hardworking and its because of you I do so well at school so please don't limit my opportunites

    I know alot of pakistani girls who have moved out of home even to different countries but your parents seem very old school so are mine to a degree but nothing like yours
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've seen posts like this before but thought i'd make my own.
    I intend to study law, and have applied to Cardiff, Birmingham, kings, SOAS and Bristol. Since year 12 I have been constantly reminded that I cannot move out of Cardiff, because of safety, finance, 'maturity' and CULTURE (females should not leave the home until married apparently) I've always had my heart set on London but after a lot of heated arguments I've decided to let that go.

    This October I sent off my ucas and my first offer was from Cardiff, AAB. This week, I received an unconditional from Birmingham and I was over the moon because I was so keen on going there. However, my mum straight up said no I can't move out and began ignoring me and repeatedly made condescending remarks throughout the evening. My dad is more open minded than my mum having been brought up here and said he would consider letting me go. A day later he did his own research etc and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't firm Birmingham bc of my 'lack of maturity' (???) and how if i stayed at home i would have a secure home, food etc + he would 'buy me a new car with accommodation money if i stayed in Cardiff.' He did mention he was proud and that he does support the fact that taking up the unconditional would relieve me of so much stress.

    Honestly speaking, I don't get along with my mum because of a number of reasons, one of them being name calling, guilt tripping and favouring my younger brother with EVERYTHING. Along with other pro's linked to moving out, it would also help out my SANITY and happiness, and I have mentioned this to her; this only intensified everything and the situation didn't improve.

    My dilemma is that i want to firm Birmingham, i have used the whole birmingham is higher than Cardiff on the league tables, better job opportunity, argument already. I'm really worried about the consequences of firming bham without telling them, especially considering the fact that my mum once said that she would 'marry me off' instead of me moving out of town, if I didn't get into Cardiff.

    + this isn't as easy as leaving everything or raising my voice.

    I've had advice from my friends who all said that I should firm and not tell my parents until results day, and to go and seek advice from the career advisor at my school.

    I was just in need of different solutions as my worries are mainly how they will react, finance without support (possibly?) and maybe getting them to come around (my dad is coming with me to the applicant visit day to look at the uni.)

    for context, i am a British-Pakistani female. I would really appreciate any help because I've been stressed out for the past few months, and am very unhappy with the current situation.
    If your mum is wholly serious then I think you need to try and speak to your dad and tell him that you don't want to be married or forced to go to university at home as he seems more reasonable. If he doesn't react well to that then you need to start getting prepared to moving out. I know you say it's not as easy as leaving everything but if your family want to force you to do something against your will then that isn't love or respect and it's not good for your mental health, you should get to live your life and if you don't leave now then when would the opportunity pop up again.
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    Are your parents going to be supporting you in any way? If so, you might have to listen to them a bit or try harder. If you're gonna be self funded through SFE though, what they think literally does not matter. Yes it's nice to get a car and what not, but uni is 50/50 between lectures and a social life, so depending on your personality type the lack of one can make the whole thing a messy failure.

    They have to understand that you aren't going to uni for them, but for you to have the best possible life after finishing school. If Brum gives you that, then guilt trip them and tell them that they simply don't love you or have your best interests at heart if they won't let you go (and I wouldn't even consider that a lie tbh) You're the one who has to live out your 20s/30s/the rest of it, and you should be able to give yourself the best foundation to do so possible. I'd defo talk to your career advisor at school and perhaps have them schedule a group meeting between the four of you so your parents can hear it from someone that's not directly involved. If your parents still don't budge, just apply for SFE and firm Brum, they'll give you hell for a few months but they'll be forced to accept it eventually.
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    I really dislike threads like this. When will parents understand that they don't own their children? Children are on loan, for want of a better word - to give the best of themselves to their children so that they grow into well-rounded, independent individuals. Subjecting offspring to a regime of outdated cultural rules just to satisfy their own notions of what they want their children to be only alienates them more. With my 7, I didn't always like their life choices, but I let them find their own way. This way, they always come home.
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    Awwwh until I read the British-Pakistani bit I couldn't understand the problem.
    Sit mother down and explain to her in a calm and collected manner. If this is not possible then explain to your father. I believe you can talk your father round, and his offering the car ect to you was just his way of trying to keep you and your mother happy...he was trying to find some middle ground.
    Show you are mature and responsible at home, e.g. take a prime role in the housework and cooking etc (try to win your mother over)
    Limit socialising for a while to show that tou are mature etc.
    Make promises such as will call everyday (i know people who actually did that) and it worked.
    It is possible that your mother is just worried and unabke to show it- which is why she may be being so stubborn. Sometimes it is hard for parents to let go but you are an adult now and at some point won't be with them.

    Marry you off- can she really do this without your consent though? It seems like an empty threat unless this has actually happened in your family, then err with caution.

    I feel as though your mother does not fully understand uni life. So be gentle when you explain it. Give examples of people like you who have managed well. Besides, Birmingham does have a Pakistani area...maybe know people there or try to get to know people there who your parents will be comfortable with?

    I find that in these sort of circumstances parents always come round for fear of the stigma of abandoning their daughter. Lucky for you your father seems more reasonable. Imagine if both had the old traditional views. Now that would be too tough and hard to deal with.

    I hope all goes well. Maybe give an update some time?

    Best of luck. X
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    Rather than lying or doing anything too underhanded I think you need to try opening up a dialogue with them with some new arguments.
    Get prepared, do some research and present them with the facts. Changing their views, whilst ideal in many people's eyes, isn't going to happen. Work with them instead.
    Research accommodation. There will be single add accommodation in Birmingham so you can assuage their fears about that.
    With regard to money, there are alternatives to student loans that suit Muslim students so the additional costs of moving away could be covered.
    Point out that in order to pursue a career in law you may have to move away from home eventually for a training contract or a pupillage. They can't keep you at home forever. Moving away from home will also give you opportunities to learn independent living skills that you can't really learn living at home.
    Point out that you don't appreciate being bribed with a car and that that's your father's choice, not yours. And if he wants you to have independence of driving then why doesn't he want you to have independence of living? Challenge their arguments. Because they're winning at the moment because all you're doing is saying "you favour my brother" "if you loved me you wouldn't do this and you would let me do what I want" and "it isn't fair". True though they all may be, they're not adult arguments. They're children's arguments.
    You want to be a lawyer? The best strategy is to undo the other side's argument, dismantle it, leave them without a case or a defence.
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    *single sex, not single add!
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    Well it sounds like your dad is the one to focus on here. If he's been more open then ask him if he would just come to the open day and talk to some professors, see the city etc as this may put his mind at rest a little. In the meantime try and demonstrate your maturity, make sure you can cook, clean, manage your own money, don't whine or pick arguments are anything childish. Ask at Birmingham to see if there is anything that might convince them, e.g. single sex halls.

    As a worst case scenario you also need to think about what you will do if you can't bring your dad round. Do you want to risk alienating yourself from your family and losing their financial support? It would be a good idea to find out what you would receive from student finance if that is the case.
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    I think you're demonising your mum a bit and instead of being so angry towards her maybe you should have a calm conversation with her about why this is a good choice for you and assure her that you know what you'll do about food and budgeting etc and you should also make it clear to both parents that you won't be depending on them financially. Your dad seems to be luring you back in with a bribe which shows he thinks that you're irresponsible with money, so you need to tell him that you're not going to be asking him for money and that you will cope on your student loan.
    And when you do move out, do these things and prove it to them. Don't go running back to them for money and let them pay for books and leisure items. Moving out means you're choosing to be financially independent too. It doesn't mean you're just moving out to get your own place and have your own rules but then running back to them every time you need money or someone to wash your clothes or pay for your car.
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    (Original post by Miser101)
    I haven't read everything but I know my elder sister wasn't allowed to move out but it was a degree in healthcare so it didn't make a difference but a degree in law/business/finance/engineering it really matters where you graduate and if Birmingham is the best law school on the uni's you've applied give your parents that perspective that oh Birmingham is the best for my education it will help when I need to get a job and if I go to [insert uni's you don't want to go to] then I will be in major debt not in the job I studied for, debt and job talk will usually get your parents around. For perspective im from a similar background me and my sister are of similar age and I've moved away from home for uni I'm a guy so slightly different rules for guys sadly, but my parents are seeing why uni away from home sometimes can be good, i'm self sufficient I can cook, clean all of that and I'm doing well at uni, thankfully my two younger brothers are significantly younger than me so hopefully they're not tied down to a certain area, but with Asian parents usually education being better, debt and job talk will get them around and tbh I am bit of rebel by Asian standards, I'm going to do postgrad study my dads cool with it my mums from back home but I told them both point blank I make my own decisions in life nothing you can say will convince me otherwise Ps they where trying to talk me out of postgrad study because of marriage at age of 24 but I couldnt give a **** really and to not piss them of completely I just give them examples of guys I know in medical school who are married.


    EDIT: Just read everything want to mention that my parents don't give me **** about postgrad study at all just the usual beta you've got to get married palaver but usually a cheeky one liner like I'll arrange it myself followed by a wink solves it. The postgrad study will allow me to earn into six figures and my dad's like go for it kid, my mum just wants me to settle down and be satisfied with just being able to pay the bills but I explained to her that Dad works hard, puts food on the table wasn't given the chance to study so me, the next generation has to take opportunities like education and make lots of money, have a successful business, a portfolio of property so my kids can have private education for example and give them the things I wasn't given and with this they can take all my assets and business up a level and we build an empire make a family business this obviously isn't universal advice but you've really got to strike at your parents heart make them feel better about themselves if your parents never went to uni mention oh your hardworking and its because of you I do so well at school so please don't limit my opportunites

    I know alot of pakistani girls who have moved out of home even to different countries but your parents seem very old school so are mine to a degree but nothing like yours
    Thank you for your advice, I spoke to my dad again today and mentioned law in Birmingham would increase my career prospects, and smh asian parents eh? hahaha, it's great you're doing well
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    If your mum is wholly serious then I think you need to try and speak to your dad and tell him that you don't want to be married or forced to go to university at home as he seems more reasonable. If he doesn't react well to that then you need to start getting prepared to moving out. I know you say it's not as easy as leaving everything but if your family want to force you to do something against your will then that isn't love or respect and it's not good for your mental health, you should get to live your life and if you don't leave now then when would the opportunity pop up again.
    I've spoken to him today and he's agreed to let me go as long as I get to convince my mum, fingers crossed it shouldn't be too hard, thank you for your advice xx
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    (Original post by starfab)
    Awwwh until I read the British-Pakistani bit I couldn't understand the problem.
    Sit mother down and explain to her in a calm and collected manner. If this is not possible then explain to your father. I believe you can talk your father round, and his offering the car ect to you was just his way of trying to keep you and your mother happy...he was trying to find some middle ground.
    Show you are mature and responsible at home, e.g. take a prime role in the housework and cooking etc (try to win your mother over)
    Limit socialising for a while to show that tou are mature etc.
    Make promises such as will call everyday (i know people who actually did that) and it worked.
    It is possible that your mother is just worried and unabke to show it- which is why she may be being so stubborn. Sometimes it is hard for parents to let go but you are an adult now and at some point won't be with them.

    Marry you off- can she really do this without your consent though? It seems like an empty threat unless this has actually happened in your family, then err with caution.

    I feel as though your mother does not fully understand uni life. So be gentle when you explain it. Give examples of people like you who have managed well. Besides, Birmingham does have a Pakistani area...maybe know people there or try to get to know people there who your parents will be comfortable with?

    I find that in these sort of circumstances parents always come round for fear of the stigma of abandoning their daughter. Lucky for you your father seems more reasonable. Imagine if both had the old traditional views. Now that would be too tough and hard to deal with.

    I hope all goes well. Maybe give an update some time?

    Best of luck. X
    thank you so much i will definitely try to talk to her sometime soon, and of course, i'll let you know how it goes xx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thank you so much i will definitely try to talk to her sometime soon, and of course, i'll let you know how it goes xx
    Cool. Wishing you all the best and praying for you
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for your advice, I spoke to my dad again today and mentioned law in Birmingham would increase my career prospects, and smh asian parents eh? hahaha, it's great you're doing well
    Thank you Asian parents yeah, If I was faced with the same predicament I personally wouldn't talk to someone outside of the family because we personally deal with issues as a family we don't wash our dirty laundry in public so to speak

    If your dad calls the shots in the family like mine then I would advice you take a day out to Birmingham on a open day you talk to the lecturers and ask them provocative questions such as What are my career prospects with studying at Birm law school and how does this course rank with other uni's in the uk, this will plant the seed in your dads mind and then on the way home mention again how good everything is for you at Birmingham. I wouldn't just firm birm law school because its very important to have your families backing but if you've firmed it then no issue try convincing your parents hopefully they'll come around by results day if they still haven't come around then you can always slip in a white lie mentioning how you never got into Cardiff and you got into Birmingham, this would be the easier option especially considering you have a unconditional offer (well done girl ) but this would be a last resort for me personally the last thing you need is negative vibes while your at uni and especially from family it can be heart numbing
 
 
 
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