Im going down a slippery slope Watch
But here are the specific details:
Unsuccessful Graduate job hunting: I've been looking for work since graduation the summer of last year (2015). I studied a design related subject, have been putting together a portfolio, had a handful of interviews in which I just end up getting far far too nervous and it prevents me from really getting my personality across. Other times I feel I don't answer questions correctly. I'm constantly banging my head against the wall, sending CV after CV, Portfolio after portfolio and cover letter.
I get as far as interview and flop. I ask for feedback and generally tell me I don't have enough experience, or they felt other candidates had the right level of skill for the role. I've had consultations with my universities careers service, but they are generally unhelpful and have limited advice. I've volunteered and even tried to get an internship under my belt, but getting rejections for those too. I'm doing all I can.
Lots of stress factors in the short term: I moved home 6 months ago, across the country to be with my partner. Geographically and culturally different. I got a new job which I hate and it wares me out and I get stressed and depressed (see below).
New job contributing to stress and depression: Because I wanted to move to be closer to my partner I took first job i could get. After months of applying for grad work unsuccessfully, I went to apply for anything (again very limited opportunity). Unfortunately, that meant going into fast food! Nightmare!! Cliquey management and colleagues. Slanderous and bullying. I've been subjected to people talking about me while I'm round the corner. I've had my hours cut simply to save their labour, I've had then double cross me and screw me over. They've been very nasty with me about my sickness time off, and intrusive and nasty about other colleagues been off due to depression- ****ging off in a discriminatory way.
Isolated traumatic public incidents: We basically live in an absolute dive, and its a horrible part of the country. Had I know it was this bad, I'd have stayed in my parents home. Its just deprived and I've had been subjected to bricks been thrown at a moving bus, which nearly went through the window and hit me in the head. I've been victim to an aggressive racist attack.
Counsellor cancels every other appt: My counsellor seems to cancel our appointments. This was after her reshuffling our appointments to fortnightly. I've only attended about 3 sessions. I'm in need of more regular sessions especially now I'm more ill.
Workplace stress/emotional baggage: My boss is a bully, and unfortunately in my job before my boss was an absolute ****. She was controlling and nasty. Had someone put in above my mother to manipulate her (my family worked and lived there as residents), threatened to put up our rent, over worked us, and refused to pay a relative a higher wage despite his responsibilities increasing. She didnt play fair, but was the first to complain when we didn't.
I'm still carrying that over with me in my current job emotionally, because I can see alot of my old boss in my current and its toxic.
Always skint: I never have any money, and to top it off, my partner is now unemployed as her boss was a **** and decided to lay her off without notice. I blame all this agency work, and zeros hours contracts. Employers have all the rights now!!!!
Violent thoughts of harming/vengeance: As a result of all the stress I'm under, I just get very angry deep down and I want to harm those that have caused my life hell. I'm so sick of all this stress. Nothing good has happened this year- I'm not hoping for a better next year
Ongoing mental health issues: Suffered low self esteem and confidence, depression anxiety for a long time. Had a massive down period in 2011 when I dropped out of uni the first time. Couldn't cope. My ongoing negative thinking and low self esteem doesn't help and the fact I'm very erratic in public. I'm on meds and having therapy but only works so much.
Stress over a police investigation: I was witness to a serious crime ten years ago that is an ongoing investigation and its causing stress.
Bottled up emotions/Alcoholism and anger: As a result of above im very angry and feel out of control. I drink to excess when I can afford to buy alcohol I'll drink a lot in one sitting to numb things.
Sorry for long post. What gives?
1) Go and see your GP and let them know about all your concerns. You could even show them this post if you like. When I went to see my GP to tell her how I was feeling she agreed we see eachother every month just for more support. You should also tell them the struggles you're having with your counsellor, or even bring it up with your counsellor and let them know that you want more contact hours. I feel she isn't able to give you this it may well be worth asking your GP for other available therapy, that couldn't come through the NHS. I'm sure there will be a way they can help you with your general mental health, whether that's feelings of anger which cause you distress, depression, anxiety.
Another resource out there is Samaritans, and I think from my experience speaking to them helps. It might not change the problem so you're facing but it will help you feel better if there's a particular day you're stressed, or any time you want to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry you're not enjoying work so much, hopefully all the time you're investing in CVs / interviews will pay off so you can st least find a job you're happy at, and then one which you enjoy and feel like you're progressing. Instead of fast food maybe look into working with kids, arts and craft shops, furniture? ( I don't know much about the design industry but it's probably closer to the kind of thing you enjoy).
I wish you the best of luck, and want to let you know as long as you keep moving forward the storm will pass.